Is anyone with children ages say 9 through 12 experiencing major back talking? If so what can I do ?

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Dana - posted on 05/03/2009

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I have 5 between ages 15 and 9 and I have found that remaining calm helps a lot. I say "Excuse me. You are being disrespectful when you talk to me that way and it's inappropriate. I respect you and you need to do the same. When you can talk to me in a nice way I will be happy to discuss it and you owe me an apology.". They hate the word inappropriate but it works for my kids. They know they have crossed the line when it comes up. Then I just don't talk to them regarding anything until they apologize. I treat them with civility and manners but no special "mom love". My kids hate being shut out of "mom love". I am sure to shower my other children with it during this cooling off period, usually in front of the offender so they know what they are missing. Eventually they figure out what they are missing and how to talk appropriately to have their views heard but in a nice way. Of course it is important to reiterate that you are the mom and although they don't agree, that's tough. Above all else this is not a democracy, it's a family and you are in charge. They don't like but they get it. Hope this helps - it's what I came up with when my 14 year old had a mouth on her and taking things away just wasn't cutting it. Good Luck!

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Margie - posted on 05/18/2009

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my 11 year old and she going through a bab talking back stage I 'v now get the thestage where i just send her to her room and tell her I will not listen to what she has to say untill she speak normally it's not doing that badly but there can not be nothing like TV or radios in the bedroom .



Last week I took back something I had just bought for her it worked at the time but no lasting effects.

Joanna - posted on 05/15/2009

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phew i am so glad it's not just me, my ten yr old son has me in tears sometimes bcos i dont know what to do, he has a brother 5 and a sister who is nearly 4 and they wind each other up, my son can be so loving so helpful and kind, but when he is not getting his own way , he is a nightmare, he bullies his brother, gives me dirty filthy looks, slams doors etc . sometimes i want to kill him( not literally ....but in my head) other times he is so sweet , usually when the other 2 are not around !! HELP

Michelle - posted on 05/14/2009

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OMG, do I ever have backtalking in my house. My older girls are 11 & 12 and I have been going through this for a few years now. I also have a 3 year daughter that the older girls forget she is 3 when they get angry. My husband has a much longer fuse than me and they have used it up with him plenty of times. My oldest one is getting a little better and I think it is because of the hormones. I've been experiencing real conversations with her again lately. My 11 year old can get atrocious. She tends to shut herself down when she gets mad at us and just sits there. But she is quick to say, "I don't care" and "whatever". We been having an issue with her homework not being done or she takes the whole afternoon and evening up to bed time to do it. We have had many fights in which she is quick to talk back to both of us. Sometimes, one of us have to run to the store before dinner and she is always the first to want to go with us. Our response is "Is your homework done?" Of course she says no and we proceed to tell her she cannot go. She gets mad and screams at us. But we stick to our guns. This week she has had her homework done before dinner. Without arguement too.

Plus they got a new trampoline and they have both already experienced grounding from that for a day. I have taken ipods, cellphones, tv, and phone calls from friends away as well. My oldest had her cellphone taken away and her friend kept texting her. I actually texted back that she was grounded and will get back to her when she can. They don't like that. They were also amazed that I knew how to text. LOL. I find following through with your threats helps. I used to be all talk and no action. My husband is still that way till I nudge him in the right direction. I too have told them repeatly that they don't want me to talk to them that way and I sure do not want to be talked to that way. I have even turned the tables around and started saying the same things they say to me right back. Using the same tone they use, does shock them a bit. I have also asked if they talk to their friends or teachers that way. I even said if I talk that way to a friend at work I could be fired right on the spot. I have heard a lot of moms with kids within the same age say that they do grow out of it after high school. Till then, I plan on stocking up on hair color to cover the gray and white hair that seems to be appearing faster and faster each day.

Lisa - posted on 05/14/2009

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i thought it was just my kids who backchated and argued. i have two sons one is comin up to 13 the other one 12 and i have a daughter who has just turned 10 (goin on 15)!
my 13yr old likes to help out sortin the other two out but actually makes things worse he bosses them around and they dont like it, he doesnt really backchat. but the other two my god no respect sometimes especially the 12yr old, shouts at me and talks to me and his dad like dirt. ive sat them down and talked about the way they behave and spk to us which has helped a little. punishments inc loss of privilages xbox, comp, tv or pocket money or grounded to there bedroom. your not alone i no that now kids hey!

Robin - posted on 05/11/2009

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YUP! My 9 year old son seems to think he is the king of the house and has no chores to do and when i tell him to do them he stomps off, soo little by little i have removed things out of his room, the first to go was the wii (: and on a rainy day he wasn't so happy, however i decided to put him in tae kwon do and i have to say he has gotten much better

Tamela - posted on 05/11/2009

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Dana, I like your way of handling this. In my house, the word "inappropriate" is the key word too. In my house, my children are allowed to voice an opinion, and even question me, IF they do it in the right tone. If they get 'mouthy' or disrespectful, they are reminded that certain behavior is 'inappropriate' and when they show me the respect, I will return it. Until then, they are sent to their room, or some other room to CLEAN. In our home, they VOLUNTEER for extra chores when they get disrespectful or start talking out of turn. I am amazed at times how many times my 12, 10 and even 6 year old sons have to get extra chores before it sinks in, but at least my house gets cleaner in the process. Good luck.
Tamela - mom of 4 boys-12, 10, 6, 3

Ruth - posted on 05/08/2009

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Hi. I can recommend two books that could really help. It really helps to do some "homework" to adjust to these many changes our kids are going through. "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay is great. I also like "Active Parenting of Teens" by Michael Popkin.

Dr. Cline suggests some "pleasant" (seriously) ways to tell your child that you would not accept this type of behavior from a neighbor - so why should you accept it from your child. Here are links to two stories I wrote about him. You may be able to find the book at your library. Here are the links:

http://suchasmartmom.com/2009/04/13/want...

http://suchasmartmom.com/2009/02/25/heli...

Good luck. Ruth

Ann - posted on 05/05/2009

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Patience Patience and a lot more patience. I have a 15 yr old, 13 yr old and 9 yr old, all girls and my 15 yr old drives me insane sometimes. I am learning to 'chose my fights' because a lot of what parents and children argue about really is little and not important. Try and be the 'better person' and just tell him 'Not right now' and leave it at that... its hard sometimes but really helps you stay sane and in control...

Merissa - posted on 05/05/2009

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I also have an 11 and 9 yr old sons, we are going through the same thing the only thing I can say is be CONSISTANT in correcting the situation and I agree with the chores list both of my kids have them and when they need to do something and dont want to i ask if they would like to trade roles for the day. We have a saying here I am not your __________. and the boys will say maid..

Denise - posted on 05/05/2009

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I really liked what Dana posted and I am going to ive this advice a try...THANKS DANA !!!

Melanie - posted on 05/03/2009

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I have the same problem with my 10 year old who is going on 20!! He too has a list of chores that is to be completed daily along with his brothers. I have even made myself and hubby a chore list to prove that everyone must pitch in. Still my 10 year old seems to complain until he gets sent to his room or grounded then we are ok again for another week or so...unless I ask for something outside of the list!! He is a great child with a huge heart especially towards his 2 yr old sister........Him and I have just been butting heads lately and aside from sending to his room and taking things away, I really am not sure either of how to handle this!! OOOOO the joys of motherhood!!

Lindsay - posted on 05/02/2009

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i got the same problem with my 11 year old son its all to to with their body changes and hormones.im just talking to him rather than shouting and if he gets to out of hand he gets grounded and no watching telly,playing computers, and doing more work round the house it do work for a while then i just do the same again he hates it but he got to learn.

Jennifer - posted on 05/01/2009

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I am experiencing the same problem with my 10 year old daughter. Recently she has been givin a chore list to complete everyday, and for some reason she believes that I should be able to handle all of it on my own. She also talks back to just about everything I say to her. I have tried to take her priviliges away like her games, her comp time, and her allowance. It works until she gets them back but then it starts again. I'm not too sure what to do now but I hope things i have tried help you!

Jo - posted on 05/01/2009

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Hi I have an 11 year old son and we have been having this problem for the past few years! I usually say something like @loose the attitude or we cant talk, or when you have calmed down we can talk.He is going through the difficult stage of wanting to be grwon up but still likes being a little boy, dont know if girls are the same got that to look forward too!! hope that helps Jo

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