Is it advisable for me to bath my 10 year old son?

Adefemi - posted on 06/26/2012 ( 130 moms have responded )

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Is a good thing for me to bath my 10 year old son?

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Sara - posted on 01/05/2013

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My son could not care less about me seeing him naked, he wouldn't care if I did bathe him, I don't simply because he does need to do it himself (and really, I have enough to do, why add more when it isn't necessary). In fact, last summer we had an incident where he sat on (I am assuming he sat on them) a nest of seed ticks, if you don't know what that is, it is a tick the size of a pinhead, tiny! A nest is hundreds, if not thousands of them. Had this child been afraid of me seeing him naked he would probably have waited much longer than he did (a day or two) to ask me to look at his scrotum and tell him what was wrong with it. COVERED in ticks. That poor boy! But you know what, I was proud of him. He had a problem, he came to me and addressed it straight forwardly. He made me promise not to tell my boyfriend because he was very embarrassed and didn't want another man to know he had "things on his balls" proving to me there is a little man in him after all. He tends to be the most sensitive of my kids and not very masculine! I try to encourage his strengths and help him come to his own conclusions about his weaknesses. After all, since when does a ten year old really listen to his mother. Seriously, there will come a day when it bothers him, I hope that day comes soon, cuz like I've said, I got better things to do. When that day comes, he'll let me know. I know he can do it, he does do it and he does a good job of it, once he is reminded... what he doesn't do is REMEMBER to do it on his own. People, this should not be an issue for any of you. Grow up and find a real cause to get worked up about. There are real monsters all around us, quite trying to make me fit into that mold when I clearly don't.

Cecilia - posted on 01/05/2013

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I think if your son has been asked if he minds, and he says no... You're fine. I think your case is no different than me knocking on the door while my kids are in the bathroom and yelling in "don't forget your hair." I do feel that strait up bathing your child who can reach around and do it if you let them- is a little different.

As far as who reported it, the school.. He went to school and told his teacher what I had "done to him." She called on me. It was seen as mental abuse. So yep, if i beat him they can't touch me. Oh how silly this world is.

Sara - posted on 01/05/2013

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You are correct, and frankly I am shocked at some of the ridiculous things parents are forced to defend in an attempt to parent their children. Unfortunately it is people like Darrell that make it necessary. That being said, I did ask my son (because honestly it had never occurred to me he might be bothered by it because he has never given me any indication it does) so I asked him if it bothered him and his response (this poor abused child, let me tell you) was "No Mom, if you don't ask me I forget a lot." There are no delusions in our home as to what kind of children are here. Noah is a brilliant child, but very much an airhead. Like I have said before, someday he will begin to remember, in the meantime I will continue to remind him. And for the record, I would not have thought to write "liar" on my child's forehead but I think it is a brilliant idea! We have a minimum of one if not two generations of young people that have no concept of what accountability, respect, appreciation, work ethic, or pride in a job well done is (to name just a few things) they feel like the fact that they are breathing means the world owes them something. THEY NEED TO LEARN HUMILITY, it is a good lesson to have!!! Who in their right mind would report that as child abuse?

Cecilia - posted on 01/05/2013

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Sara, you might be surprised at what is seen as child abuse. My son lied to me, no joke, 12 times in one day. He was 12 years old. I didn't know what else to do. the lying had been going on for at least a year. I took a washable marker and wrote liar on his head. I stood him in the mirror and told him this is what i see right now. I told him to get in the shower and head to bed. Mind you his lies did drastically slow down after that.

I'm not saying what i did was perfect..by no means. I still to this day do not see it as child abuse. Guess what, i was charged and convicted of that exact thing. I did not lose my kids but i did spend 6 months of community service for this act. If i would have beat him with my hand, they would allow that....

I'm just saying that maybe in your mind you don't see it as child abuse/neglect, does not mean the courts would agree.

Sara - posted on 01/05/2013

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And Barbara,

Darrell's issue is he's a bully and I am not cowering to him so he is becoming more and more aggressive and trying to scare me with threats of reporting me for something that is not a legitimate concern. My guess is he's got some pretty serious issues he's trying not to deal with and attacking me has become a form of distraction for him ;-) Don't worry Darrell, I won't take it personally, go ahead and be the ass you feel you need to be. I'll still be here when it's all said and done, after all, they don't lock up moms who make sure their sons butts are clean.

Sara - posted on 01/05/2013

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Darrell, Why don't you be a gem and give me the contact info for who you reported me to so I can give them a call and invite them over to my home so they can talk to my son. I have nothing to hide! My son is a very well adjusted child and is in absolutely no way, shape, or form abused. In fact the only issue we have in our house that is actually of concern to me is that my oldest child is still struggling with the fact that her dad and I divorced. In fact, if her dad had the ability to HE would also tell you our son indeed needs some reminding when it comes to bathing. He would also tell you I am a good mother and that you are being an ass. I'm guessing there are a lot of people out there reading these posts who agree just as strongly with me but for whatever reason chose not to stand up for this woman or me once you turned your hatred to me. So bring it on, walking into the bathroom, sitting down on the toilet and asking my son if he has washed his bottom yet is NOT child abuse. And absolutely no one in their right mind would think it is. It is simply a mom making sure her son has done what he should do in the shower before he gets out. The person who is a sicko is you, for trying to turn an innocent shower into some sort of kiddie porn episode.

Barbara - posted on 01/05/2013

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Sara,
I agree with you that Darrell has been verbally abusive and excessively aggressive in his attacks on you and others on this thread. I'm mystified why any one would report a caring mom to the authorities for 'suspected child abuse' over something this mundane. Everyone has different standards and different take on an issue like this and, with the exception of child predators, no one is really right or wrong. I've gotten myself upset over some of the things that were posted here and then I realized that I can simply avoid this thread and move on to other threads that are more helpful to me and others. I've dumped one thread on teenage pot smoking for the very same reason, ridiculous and inaccurate posts that don't reflect the morays and values I want to raise my children to observe. If Darrell or anyone else wants to call me 'controlling' because of this - go ahead. I live by values I personally subscribe to, obey the law, go to church on Sunday's, treat others with the same level of respect that I want to be treated by, help those in need, be faithful to those whom I love, in our school and church communities and our larger community beyond those gates. I'd like to tell you to take what Darrell say's with a grain of salt and blow it off, he's not going to change his mind and clearly you are comfortable where you are with what you are doing and for that reason have no desire to change your mind. Fine. If Darrell wants to be one of those aggressive on-line bloggers, let him. He lived without my input before, and I without his - let him go and be well with yourself.

Sara - posted on 01/05/2013

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Darrell, why do you feel the need to label a child as having something "wrong" with him if he does not meet YOUR expectations? Perhaps my child is simply not a cookie cutter kid! Perhaps it does not mean ANYTHING other than as his mother I am doing my best to teach him and be patient as he learns! Yet you report me for sexual abuse, by the way, I guess whoever you reported me to didn't agree with you since they have not contacted me. I would also like to point out I used my real (full) name while you simply go by "Darrell" making it impossible to report YOU for any suspected abuse I would have to call you out on the fact that I still feel you are nothing more than a bully and a pot stirrer. I think you are enjoying being an ass, and make no mistake about it, that is exactly what you are. My son is EXTREMELY intelligent, by the age of four he was reading chapter books of a third grade level. Even more impressive is I was busy taking care of a home and raising three children and had not had much time to sit down and TEACH him... he learned the alphabet and taught himself to read! He is in fourth grade but he is working at a higher level than my 7th grader, his school has spoken with me about moving him up because he is so smart. Is it abuse that I said no? I know MY child. Socially he is not advanced enough for that kind of a move. Again, he is EXTREMELY intelligent. Perhaps you would have agreed with his 2nd grade teacher who told me he was not comprehending anything he reads ( he can quote you the exact text days later, yet somehow as his teacher she felt he wasn't "getting it") it took me several parent teacher conferences to get to the bottom of it... she was demanding that he stand up in front of class and tell them what he read, he is shy and was embarrassed at how much more advanced he was than his classmates so he would simply refuse to speak. She took this as not "getting it" and suggested he needed special reading classes to "catch up" to the rest of his class. My child does not have special needs, he is simply a 10 year old boy who becomes mesmerized by water! He will play in it, he will stare at it, he will literally stand outside of the water and watch it go down the drain of the tub and NEVER get wet. There is NOTHING wrong with my going into the bathroom and sitting down (I'm sorry, did you think my life was all bon bons and massages? I'm TIRED, I'm taking care of three children, my boyfriend, two dogs,one that is a 9 week old puppy, two cats, a home, a yard, an ex-husband who coddles our children and teaches them to disrespect my authority, and everything else in my life except ME, all the while working up to 36 hours at a time to support my family because I am a WOMAN!!! I came here to interact with WOMEN not assholes like you!!! Hence my criticism of you being on Circle of MOMS!!! YOU WILL NEVER BE A MOM!!! I want to interact with MOTHERS!!! not be judged by yet another man, that does not make me a man-hater, it makes me a woman who wants to interact with other women) so yes, I SIT DOWN... for about three minutes!!! I make sure the boy has washed his bottom, that doesn't mean I stick my nose up his ass, it doesn't mean I'm looking at his penis and fantasizing about him, it doesn't mean I ENJOY embarrassing him or I'm getting off on being in the room with a naked boy, it means, like I already said, I ask him if he has washed his bottom, while he is in the shower, behind the shower curtain, so I know his bottom is clean because he CAN do a good job, but he gets distracted and forgets!!! I ask him if he has washed his hair. If he has not I ask him if he needs help or if it is particularly dirty I just help him, because at THIS POINT he does not have the attention span to focus on his hair while the water is running! I am not concerned about whether he has "special needs" I have repeatedly pointed out HE SHOULD BE DOING IT ON HIS OWN!!! But he gets distracted (because he is a ten year old boy) Why is it those of you judging me feel I should be okay with just allowing my children to stay distracted? He doesn't hang up his back pack, should I just leave it on the middle of the walkway, no, I should remind him it needs to be done, same with his snack when he leaves his plate on the table and the jelly and peanut butter open in my kitchen, should I just leave it? Clean it up for him and say nothing? Not expect him to do anything for himself? Or should I guide him and teach him so that when he is an adult he is not completely helpless because I've done everything for him? I am not hovering, I am not coddling, I am not enabling, I am trying to keep him on track when it comes to his cleanliness. So call me a monster, call me a sicko (might I remind you it was YOU that found wrong in it, making me again wonder why your mind immediately jumps to perversion, but again, you are not being up front about who you are so we cannot report you!) report me for abuse, I know I am not hurting anyone. Your opinion means nothing to me as you can't even show yourself to be intelligent enough to make an argument without making ridiculous accusations and calling names, that's exactly what a person does when they have no valid point!!! Which, by the way, you have proven your point invalid by approving these actions for nudists and "people across the pond" and children with special needs. Each person is an individual, each person learns differently and at a different pace, my son is no exception! You and everyone else here judging, are being narrow minded. None of you are in our homes, none of you are raising our children, none of you are living our lives. I have to give all of YOU the benefit of doubt and assume you are doing your best to parent, how about giving the rest of us the same courtesy and not attacking a woman for asking a question!!!

Barbara - posted on 01/04/2013

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Darrell:
A helicopter mom is one who hovers for fear that her child will need something that he/she isn't capable of providing for him/her self even when they are quite capable. I didn't say is was ok to be a helicopter mom, just that some parents are, particularly some mothers. but fathers can fall into this spectrum as well. In fact, a helicopter parent teaches the child that s/he is incapable of doing for oneself and this attitude breeds insecurities in a child that may hamper them all of their life. It isn't the most positive way to parent, but I'm not here to judge other parents, just offer my take or my view on the problems that are presented here. When the debate becomes heated, no genuine interaction can take place and so it is time for me to gracefully (I hope) bow out and let others handle the discussion. This thread has become very heated with accusations and attacks all around and I don't feel that this is an appropriate way to engage with other parents questions, fears, concerns, or just 'wondering'. I'm far from perfect parent, I've made my own mistakes. as have many, but I'm trying to learn a better, healthier, more positive way to parent my teenage daughter everyday. Sometimes I blow it, other times I'm more successful. Life is a learning process, and NONE of us has ALL the answers, including me.

Chasmodai - posted on 01/04/2013

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Hi Barbara:

I think your contribution to the discussion is very helpful, especially since it is civil.

Because I have a child with special needs, I have been consulting child development specialists on a consistent basis for several years, and I have also been volunteering in special education classrooms for many years. I've also already raised one of my kids - he's 24 now. So maybe I have a different perspective. What I have seen is that each of my three sons have had different needs, different strengths, and have each developed at their own pace, despite two of them being what you would call "typical." There is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.

Even among kids with special needs, developmentally they are all over the map. Some are very high functioning and some are very low functioning, Each is affected by their condition differently. In the classroom where I volunteer, some of the kids are very independent, and some are still in diapers. So some might be bathing independently at a young age, and some not.

I know that the child development experts say that the developmental charts are merely a guideline. if a child is not developing within the guideline, it may be a good idea to check to make sure there aren't any underlying problems. If there aren't any, simply figure out what the child needs in terms of skill development, and work on that. It's pointless to have hard a fast rules like, "a child MUST be out of diapers by X years or MUST be self-bathing by X years." It's important to meet the child where he is. It's the pinnacle of respect to accept that your child is a unique individual.

For some families, it might also be cultural. I have noticed that families from different cultures handle child rearing differently and some are more involved with their children than others. I seem to recall reading somewhere that in Japan especially before World War II, in rural communities it was not uncommon for family members to bathe together. It was not sexual, it was practical. This is the closest thing I can find to a link about it: http://www.bookmice.net/darkchilde/japan...

Having said that, I am acquainted with families who allow their older children to be quite filthy. I believe that as a parent, it's my responsibility to not tolerate that. There are real consequences to poor hygiene. Whether it's laziness, disrespect, lack of knowledge, lack of ability, ignorance, or whatever the reason, it's my job to figure out what is causing the problem and address it. If I had a ten year old who was not keeping himself clean, and the problem was that he didn't seem to have a grasp on the procedures, I would teach him - and if I felt it was necessary I would give him a bath. However, if I felt there was a better way to do it, I would try that. Some kids just don't have the self awareness to realize that they stink! :)

My special needs child may not ever be able to bathe himself. It's too soon to know for sure. Kids with his condition can be affected to varying degrees and in many different ways, so there is no way to predict. I am acquainted with a woman who is a foster mother to two adults with Down's. One of them is 45 years of age and must be bathed daily. The other one is more independent.

Anyway, the OP may be a helicopter parent, or it may be that this is her first child and she just didn't realize that her son is too old and needs more privacy and independence, or she may have a typical child who is not as independent yet, or it may be cultural. Personally, I am glad that she cares enough about her son to give him a good bath, and cares enough to question whether she should start doing something else. What she is doing may be perfectly normal and appropriate in her child's individual circumstances. I am inclined to wonder at what age did she bathe herself independently? Sometimes we parent the way we were parented.

Barbara - posted on 01/04/2013

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I do think that Susan has a point. If this is a special needs case, or if the boy in question has an issue about hygiene, then maybe mom is just trying to be a good mom. If one or both of these issues isn't the problem, then I think we have a helicopter mom who hovers excessively to assuage her own issues. Either way, none of us really knows here and since concerns raised by others, both appropriately and inappropriately, seem to have ruffled feathers, I can't see where any additional comment from me will be helpful.

Chasmodai - posted on 01/04/2013

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I've read this thread and I think that bathing a a ten year old is not necessarily abuse. It might not be the best thing for the kid, or it might be necessary, but it depends on the kid.

One idea that works well is to make a hygiene chart. It can be laminated so that it won't be ruined if it gets splashed. Make a list of steps to follow, similarly to a chore chart. For younger kids, pictures can be used. The chart can be customized to the needs of the child.

Here are some: http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.c...
http://www.chorecharts.net/preview/Hygie...
http://www.mypersonalhygiene.com/persona...

The goal is for our children to grow up to be as independent as possible. We want them to become adults who know how to care for themselves properly. Have you ever met an adult with poor personal hygiene? Adults with poor personal hygiene can have all sorts of problems as a result. Obviously we can't bathe them until they are 30 so at some point they must learn how to do it for themselves.

We have a 14 year disabled son. We try very hard to do all we can to teach him to bathe himself independently. However, he has been known to flood the bathroom, sit in a tub full of ice cold water, and come out of the tub no cleaner than when he came in. He will use an entire bottle of soap in one bath, waste it down the drain and still not get clean. He has other hygiene problems, as well. The smell can become very offensive. From a health standpoint, it's necessary to supervise this closely. He also has a compromised immune system and his health can be in jeopardy if he is not kept clean. He cannot wash his own hair. If he tries, he only gets the top and sides, and never the back of his head. We have a handle on the situation. Eventually we may need to get an occupational therapist to work with him on his hygiene. My only point is that it depends on the kid.

We also have a 12 year old son who keeps himself pretty clean but still needs to be reminded. His independence has increased gradually. I guess we started to "back away from the bathtub" when he was about 6, but we still needed to supervise somewhat and gradually decreased the supervision over time.

Kids can get fungal infections and other problems if they are not clean. Recently I was standing in line behind a group of adolescent boys at the grocery store. I accidentally got a glimpse into one of the boy's ears. Ugh! My first thought was, "Where is that child's mother?"

We respect our children's privacy, but we have never treated them as if their bodies were "bad" or sexualized them in any way. They are not ashamed of their bodies, and they are not embarrassed if we happen to see them without their clothes. If we do happen to see them without their clothes, we do not react, or become offended. At the same time we teach respect for themselves and others.

We are not a nudist family, but I really think that we have far too many sexual hangups in the USA. Of course sexual exploitation of children is wrong. Exploitation of anyone is wrong. I think it's possible for a family to be open about nudity while protecting their children from sexual or any type of abuse, and still teach appropriate boundaries, and loving and affirming sexual ethics. It's also possible for a family to be extremely modest to the point of being uptight, everybody staying covered all the time- and sexual abuse can still be going on in that family. How long the parents help the child with bathing is not necessarily an indicator of sexual abuse.

Carmen - posted on 01/03/2013

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I think he's old enough to bathe himself. I have a two boys 12-6 I sometimes help my 6 year old but he is very capable of bathing himself. I stopped helping out my 12 year old at the age of 6 or 7 because I knew he needed to.learn how to shower alone. without moms help. good luck

Barbara - posted on 01/03/2013

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For a short period of time we had a family of two children and one mother living with us in our home as they had been evicted. The girl was my daughters age and in the same grade at her school. The young boy was about 9 or 10. Every evening after dinner, the mom would instruct the boy to go into the bathroom for his bath. About 10 minutes later, she would follow him into the bathroom and 'help him' take his bath. For the 15 or 20 minutes they were in there together, I was extremely uncomfortable. I was fine with the boy taking his bath alone, mom helping with the hair at the end of the bath, but for her to be in there that long - it felt unhealthy to me. I never reported this, we know the family, I know the boy and he seems well adjusted to outward appearances. A month or so later I had to ask her to find other housing as the home we had at the time was quite small and the mom wasn't really following my requests (take the cots out of the dining room in the morning and stow them in my daughters room til the girls go to bed) eating all of my food without any minor offer of contribution, 'borrowing' my daughers key with out asking my permission. I was very glad when they moved. Aside from all of the 'other stuff', the evening bath issue still bothered me a lot. Some signs of anxiety seemed apparent to me, he had, at age 8, chronic bowel syndrome - seemed awfully young. I won't tell Sara what to do, but I will say this did disturb me.

Brandi - posted on 01/03/2013

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Um no I'd say if your son is 10 it's time to let him grow up and bathe himself.

Lakota - posted on 12/31/2012

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Darrell, I have to agree with you. My youngest is 13 and is a boy. I will remind him or ask him if he washed his hair or brushed his teeth. But, when I first read that post, I almost spit out my coffee. It is disgusting and some of the posts on here are disgusting. Good job on the reporting.

Cory - posted on 12/31/2012

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Give him his privacy! I know it is super hard seeing them grow up! If he needs help with something, help him. You still need to obviously check in on him. He may even still need assistance with washing his hair. Good luck!

Cari - posted on 12/27/2012

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Well I bathe my son until 8.. silly but true. or 7.. .. no worries. but 10.. try to stop. ok.. He will do fine.... is that your only son. .. Are you married or single? ... let me know.... because I was single and put too much attention on him and babied him .. now 31 he is a great man..!!!!!! but at 10.. yes stop.. Good luck

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At 10 years old your son is old enough to bath himself. Let him have his privacy!! He will figure it out and then you will have the opposite problem my son takes more showers a day than I can count. Just hang in there, don't allow the trolls to upset you.

Cecilia - posted on 12/26/2012

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Also, them going to school smelling will not get you reported for neglect... even if it did get a report they would come to your house, see you have soap, running water, washcloths and towels., ask you why he smells... Your answer is he's a kid and i send him into the shower... what can i do? They go okay then bye... Simple as that.

on the other hand if they show up and ask why you're in the bathroom with a 10 year old naked child and your answer is because he's a dirty boy... well they might investigate for a little longer than a 5 minute visit.

Cecilia - posted on 12/26/2012

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Ok I havn't read all of this but I will have to say in General I agree with Darrell. Not his wording but his thoughts. I would think that some sort of damage is being done(if not yet then soon enough). I'm sure by now he knows this isn't "normal". I'm sure he knows his friends shower alone. If you don't stop at 10 then when do you stop? 12? 14? 16? 18? Sorry but a 16 yr old teen can be the smelliest people around...

Now i know that boys smell and they don't always get hints about it either. I have 2 teen boys. I havn't bathed them since they were about 5 ish. Sometimes they smell. I've learned to not be subtle about their smells. They have gym at school and come home smelly and i tell them to get a wash cloth and clean up and get more deodorant on. If it's that much of an issue let him shower when he comes out make him lift his arm and sniff if you need to. Still demeaning maybe but maybe make a deal of sorts. One week of him doing it right alone and you'll stop sniffing him.

On another note it isn't just boys, girls when they start their period don't always know how to clean up all the way either. I know I'm not taking my 13 yr old daughter into the shower and cleaning her up... Just saying..

As other's have said, let them deal with their peers saying something. Let him go to school smelling one day and his friends will let him know. If it continues he might be picked on a little (not saying the kids who do it are right) this is how society works. Believe me, let him get interested in a girl and he will leave the house smelling perfect every day.

Sara - posted on 12/26/2012

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In response to Barbara, THANK YOU! That is exactly my point! It is pretty easy to judge someone who's shoes you have not walked in, it does not mean you SHOULD! As for foster children, I would NEVER bathe a foster child that was my sons age, THAT would be very inappropriate. Foster children have their own unique set of hang-ups and forcing them to be bathed by anyone would be very demeaning. They are children who need to be built up and loved without being forced into a situation where they feel even more is being taken from them. They are already in a situation that is far beyond their control and have had their lives ripped away from them even if for the right reasons. In that situation, there is an entirely different set of boundaries.

Sara - posted on 12/26/2012

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I came to this site because I am having issues with my daughter. I'm not going to even bother going into it now, because instead of feeling supported as a mother who is trying to parent her children and bring them up in a manner that molds them to be respectful, caring, responsible young adults, I feel attacked for being a parent instead of a friend to my children. Here's a news flash for all of you who are so quick to judge, our job is to be their parent. I'm hard on my kids, yes, because the world is going to be hard on them! No boss will tolerate an employee that must be told to do their job repeatedly, that person will find themselves standing in line at the unemployment office. I don't want my children to live with me until they are in their 30's!!! I want them to go out into the world and contribute something positive to it. I want them to have work ethic and an appreciation for life and pride for the good job they are doing. I DO NOT want to teach them to take everything for granted! So yes, my motto will remain do it yourself or it will be done for you! For instance, and I'm sure, judging by the pattern I see here this will be considered abuse so again I say go ahead turn me in (by the way, I actually used my name unlike Darrell who is so quick to judge and "report" me for abuse, hmmmm. Makes me wonder) If I tell my child to clean his/her room and they don't... the following weekend they will come home to find their room clean! Because I will have done it, and the things that were scattered all over their floor will be gone! Because it is not my job to clean their room, it is theirs! And it doesn't take many times of their "stuff" disappearing for them to develop an appreciation for it and DO THEIR JOB when they are told to!!! My children are loved and they know it. But they are not coddled in my home. I find you people to be offensive, rude, narrow minded and unnecessarily judgmental! So what! When my son is taking a shower I ask him if he has done certain things, he is extremely absent minded! At some point, like I have already said, it will click! So far it hasn't, but eventually it will, until then my job is to GUIDE him, not overlook his behavior (NOT because I am a bad parent and NOT because he is a bad kid!!! HE IS A 10 YEAR OLD BOY, he can spend 30 minutes standing outside of the water watching it go down the drain and never have a drop touch him, what is the good in that?) I have a feeling if I went the other way and just let him do nothing I would be reported for child neglect. Looks to me like there is no way to win here. This has certainly proven not to be a forum for support from fellow parents. But I'll tell you what, if I ever feel the need to be attacked and judged for being a good parent, I'll know exactly where to come for it!

Maria - posted on 12/22/2012

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just because this is called "circle of moms", some kids don't have moms so why shouldn't fathers be allowed to comment. and I seriously hope I misunderstood Jennifer's post because I see big problems with "family showers between mother and son no matter what age" does that mean Jennifer, that you see no reason for a 35 year old mother to shower with her 15 year old son? because that's exactly what you implied and I personally find it appalling and disgusting and would be the first person to call the authorities if I knew someone was doing that. It is also abusive to the child, with the possibility of the parent being deemed a pedophile.

Maria - posted on 12/22/2012

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after reading these comments i came to this conclusion: Darrell.. I wouldn't exactly call it abuse, but it is rather strange and could be considered demeaning to the child, but after reading Sara's posts, I have to wonder why she feels the need to sit in the bathroom and give a play-by-play of what he should do and how to do it because realistically, a 10 year old is definitely old enough to bathe himself. If he really doesn't know how to do it properly, then get an anatomically correct doll and show him. There is no need to sit in the bathroom with him while he does this. He's 10, not 4 and if he just doesn't want to bother, then let him stink. Once the kids at school begin telling him he smells like a garbage dump, that just might motivate him to wash better. Ask yourself this question: would you think it alright if a dad was bathing his 10 year old daughter? sara, your "get it done or it will be done for you with unpleasant results" home motto has even me a little frightened and no, i don't have boys either but if i found out my husband was sitting guard on the toilet while the girls were in the shower, i'd probably have him committed. I nearly crucified him because he didn't knock on the bathroom door before going in when our then 11 year old daughter was taking a bath and the shower curtain was left open. And just for the record, having to remind your kids on a daily basis to put away their backpacks and pick up their socks is hardly comparable to bathing them when they are clearly old enough to do it themselves. my youngest is 18 and i still have to remind her to get her dirty clothes downstairs. Does that mean i'm going to inspect her when she gets out the shower..he** no.

Barbara - posted on 12/20/2012

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Sara, I'm sorry if you were offended by my post. We are moms here just trying to help other moms. I think Darrell's post is a 'little over the top' and clearly he identifies with some level of embarrassment he may be feeling here. If you don't believe that what you are doing is of any harm to your son, then, by all means go ahead, we don't really live in your house and know your boy or you, so we don't have a legitimate right to bellyache. We are just trying to provide whatever support we can to other moms who may have the same question. I will bow out of this thread for a while since it seems I can't provide any assistance here. And in answer to your question, no, I don't have a son. I did have a foster boy living with me for a little over a year, he was 8 and wanted to bathe alone. I made sure the water temperature wasn't too hot and that he had a bath rug and a towel and plenty of soap. He took it from there and came out in his jammys smelling fresh and clean.

Sara - posted on 12/19/2012

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Darrell, YOU ARE NOT AN ADVOCATE FOR KIDS!!! DO NOT fool yourself. You are a joke and a bully. I disagreed with you and you immediately began insulting me and accusing me of being abusive. Here's a news flash for you... I have MUCH better things I would rather be doing than sitting on the toilet reminding my very easily distracted son to wash his butt. I have 3 children and a home to take care of not to mention a full time job (guess what I do there, ha, jokes on you, I bathe people of ALL ages, and feed them, brush their hair, keep them company etc... you get the point, or maybe not, you don't seem to "get" much) I would rather be doing MANY things instead of supervising a shower, which by the way, you seemed to glaze over the part where I pointed out I DO NOT wash him, I sit in there supervising. In fact I don't ever actually see him naked (we have this thing called a shower curtain, GREAT invention) but then that wouldn't have fit your agenda of trying to make me look like a monster would it, so you skipped acknowledging it. I also pointed out numerous times that he IS NOT embarrassed, yet you say I "enjoy embarrassing him" I did not insinuate you were molested in a bathtub, I said if you had been I would understand why you have attacked me so harshly for doing absolutely nothing wrong. But, no, you just keep piling on the insults, wherefore you have proven, again and again, you are nothing less than an ASS. And since YOU suggested I am an sexual abuser it would be YOU attempting to deflect YOUR guilt. Now sir, shut the hell up and leave me alone. I look forward to the laughter that will ensue in the extremely unlikely event that any type of authority were to call me, which I highly doubt would happen since the only way they would consider contacting me would be if you forwarded my posts to them and after reading what I have said versus what you are suggesting I am they will see you for what you are... a troublemaker and an ass. GOODBYE!!!

Sara - posted on 12/19/2012

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What I know is you make a LOT of assumptions and for a man who said this

" I do agree however that it is uncomfortable having someone disagree with you, but calling them names is not a way to address someone else s opinion. "

You have called me plenty of names! Maybe this is your cover to make yourself feel better about what YOU are doing wrong. Perhaps that is why you seem so angry, afraid you're going to be found out? Sounds to me like you are projecting you sick, perverted fantasies on me to take the eyes off yourself! How do you like it? Like I said, go find someone else to pick on. But hey, thanks for at least having the decency to spell my name right that time ;-) much appreciated!

Sara - posted on 12/19/2012

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Darrell, You're an ASS!!! Report me to the authorities, see what comes of it. There are no laws against making sure your children are clean. It is a well know fact that girls and boys are different. You're only success here was to make yourself look like a raving lunatic. Congrats! You read so much into what I didn't say that you missed what I did say! Proving further to me you are not worth my time or energy, go find someone else to pick on!

Sara - posted on 12/19/2012

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Barbara, do you have a 10 year old boy? I have had to do nothing more than help my girls wash their hair since they were very little, at this point my 12 year old is fully capable of completely bathing herself and she does so with no prompting, my 7 year old has to be told to bathe usually and asks for help. Young girls in general are more conscientious when it comes to bathing. BOYS AND GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT. If my son was mortified by my sitting on the toilet reminding him what to wash I may see it differently but he has never said a word... aside from "Can you hand me a towel?" If there is no inappropriate touching, ogling, sexual arousal etc. what is wrong with making sure your child gets clean? And Darrell, if I felt you were even worth engaging, which I don't as you are clearly a very angry MAN (hmmmmmmm...Circle of MOMS?) I'm pretty sure I could compile a list of resources showing it is NOT detrimental. Studies and research go both ways. If you were molested in the bathtub, okay I get it now, if not, what the hell are you so uptight about?

Sara - posted on 12/19/2012

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So, since you couldn't even manage to spell my name correctly I'm left with no choice but to assume you did not actually read my post! First of all, my son seems un-phased by my being in the bathroom while he showers and like I said, if he finds it embarrassing, GOOD!!! He SHOULD be doing it on his own, but he doesn't. If he starts being embarrassing I have to assume he will come to the realization that if he PROVES he is capable of doing a good job I will trust him to do so. MAYBE the embarrassment will serve as a bit of motivation for him to FINALLY DO A GOOD JOB!!! Before you sling insults and tell a woman she's abusive or a mother from hell perhaps you should actually read what she has to say!!!

Barbara - posted on 12/18/2012

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Geez, he's a kid! My daughter is 15 and I still have to remind her to put her backpack away, feed the dog, pickup her socks, put her dishes in the sink and get her clothes in the hamper so I can do the laundry. I never have to remind her to take a shower/bath and ask her if she's cleaned her self thoroughly. I rarely have since she was 7 or 8 and and really -who cares?? If they are sitting in warm soapy water, and splashing having fun in the bathtub, they are fine. Check behind the ears and the collar line, but leave the poor kid alone when it comes to his bottom. Privacy starts about this age and he's probably mortified at this intrusion of his privacy. Give the kid a break, let him know you trust him enough to take care of his own personal hygiene and he will make you proud. Give him reason to question his self-worth and your trust in him and he will be disappointed in himself.

Sara - posted on 12/17/2012

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And for the record I wholeheartedly believe my son SHOULD be doing this himself, but on that subject he should also be putting his backpack away when he gets home, hanging up his coat and tucking away his shoes. He should be putting the dishes away and cleaning a litterbox and having a snack, cleaning up his mess from his snack, sitting down at the table to do his homework, putting his laundry away and ASKING before he turns the TV on... but guess what, he doesn't do any of those things without supervision either (except of course having a snack). Not because he's bad, but because he's a 10 year old boy. Someday (God I hope) it will click, until then... In my house you'll hear things like "Hang up your coat!", "Did you put your shoes away?", "Where did you leave your backpack?" and yes "Did you wash your bottom good enough?" and "Do you need help with your hair?". My kid is smart, I mean he's really SMART, scary, "How will I ever keep up with him?" smart, but when it comes to common sense, he's got nothing going for him. And it's the common sense that tells you to wash your bottom good not just sit in the tub and splash.

Sara - posted on 12/17/2012

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I'm guessing I'm going to get jumped on here, but seriously? Does anyone criticizing this woman HAVE a 10 year old son? I do, and let me tell you, if I didn't help him get clean, he would have fur (and I mean the icky, green, smelly sort) growing from places I won't mention cuz I'm pretty sure we all know the anatomy of a boy and can figure out where I'm talking about! Boys are space cadets (so are girls for that matter). Now I don't go so far as to jump in the tub with him and scrub his privates but my God, if I'm not in the bathroom guiding him through each step and assisting him to wash his hair it won't get done! If he finds this embarrassing GOOD!!! That's one helluva way for him to learn to grow up a little and take charge of his life (which trust me, my son NEEDS to do). Now if your kid is fighting you on this and doing a decent job of cleaning himself, it's time to back off and let him handle it himself. If not, I say supervise and assist. People need to stop being so uptight! Cleaning your child is not child abuse nor is it sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse!!! It's called cleanliness. The motto in my house is "Do it yourself, or it will be done for you (and you won't like the outcome)!"

Patricia - posted on 12/14/2012

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Not at 10 yrs old. He should be bathing himself unless there is a reason he can't physically bath himself. I was glad when my sons were old enough to get their own baths and showers.

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I agree with Darrell. Like he said, unless there is something wrong with the child, it's time to let go! You as a parent are suppose to be teaching your kids how to become adults. You can't wait until they are teens to do this. They need to know boundaries especially with private areas. It's one thing to grab an ear here and there but you have to teach them to do it themselves. There are enough kids becoming adults these days that have been babied to the point they expect someone to do everything for them. On other note, kids at 10 already are paying attention to anything of private nature. They should naturally be modest about showing their parts and teaching some modesty wouldn't hurt these days either. This is really common sense to me.

Lakota - posted on 12/04/2012

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No. Your son is old enough to do it himself - unless he is injured or too sick to do it.



Why is Darrell - a man - even commenting here?

Ariana - posted on 12/03/2012

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On the modesty issue I didn't have major problems being naked around my dad until I hit 11. Not that I was naked very much around him but talking about the 11 year old with the collarbone situation I know I got really sick (out both ends type sick) at age 10 and my dad helped me undress and get a shower going to clean me up and I didn't really think anything about it (that was probably the last year that would happen but still). So some kids don't have the same amount of modesty, or they might also feel more comfortable with their parents than with strangers. Also the fact that people say thing like 'what if the sexes were reversed' just seems... well sexist to men I guess.



My Dad raised 3 girls and a boy all by himself and he saw me naked plenty as a child and probably bathed me a million times up to a certain age. That being said I don't think a 10 year old needs to be bathed especially if he's uncomfortable; but I do agree that not all kids develop modesty until they're older. My friend used to walk from the shower to her room for clothes completely naked in front of me and her parents up until she was 10 and they'd TELL her to put some clothes on and she didn't care.



Anyway, if the kid doesn't like it don't force, that's just odd.

Barbara - posted on 12/01/2012

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The last time I helped my daughter with her nightly bath was when she was age 8, and then all I did was help shampoo her long hair and rinse the shampoo thoroughly. I think bathing a 10 year-old is taking things too far unless the child has serious special needs and requires monitoring for safety purposes. Let him splash, have some fun and then insist he cleans up whatever mess he made in the bathroom. We mom's sometimes have difficulties in letting go.

Sherri - posted on 11/26/2012

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Well if that works for your family Darrell great but this works for our family and everyone is normal, healthy and happy. It is simply what you are comfortable with and that is what is correct for each and everyones families.

Sherri - posted on 11/26/2012

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Although 10 imo may be too old to bath. I don't think that is too old for parents to see the naked or kids to see their parents nude. Gender is irrelevant.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/26/2012

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If it had been reversed and my husband had had to bathe our daughter, I would expect that she, like my son, would probably choose to be partly clothed. I think you have to have misunderstood what I was saying about privacy to react the way you have. I would only bathe a kid of that age if they were having a problem with it. And by the way, my son asked for the help, he could not reach everywhere and was starting to stink. A broken collarbone may not seem like a big deal to you but not being able to move your dominant arm/hand really reduces one's capacity.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/26/2012

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When you post simply to disagree with someone it does come off as troll-like. I am fine with disagreement. This is for parenting advice and even though my initial post was really innocuous (really, you disagree that a child with a broken collarbone should be helped with a bath at age 11? I don't think you read my initial post, because it said nothing that was in any way determinant about the subject of modesty.) Please make sense if you're going to criticize something I said. No offense taken here, but do understand that if all you do is make critical remarks about other people, they will think you are a troll.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/26/2012

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Wow. Some people do not read before replying. I said "some boys may not be that modest". What part of that is bothersome to you? It's a vague statement I made because I don't KNOW that everyone is modest, I am not a mindreader. "some" and "may" are terms that denote incomplete knowledge of a subject. Geez.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/26/2012

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You obviously misread my comment. I said "some" boys may not be that modest. I don't pretend to know what is in the head of every person, male or female, some people never really develop modesty about nudity. I can't imagine what else you think there could be to my story. I was simply sharing that I would only bathe either of my kids at that age if there were a reason that they could not do it themselves.

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