Is my son being bullied?

Chandia - posted on 05/24/2010

i totally understand what you are going though my 11 year old is really quite and has been new to school -he tells me no one likes him cause he is differnt and is into differnt things teachers tell me and have put on his report card that he is too quite and needs to open up but he tends to take after me -i feel scared sometimes that he will have the same bad experence that i had in school -i try to incourge him to be himself and make friends and that no one opion mattters but his and he should like himself even if others don't

Anne Marie - posted on 05/23/2010

My son had severe bully issues. I have reported the school to Child and Family servces and gone to my MLA (member of legistature assembly) In Canada. I would take him to the counsellor but I wouldn't trust the school. I have found what they can cover up they will. My son was bullied for years, the bullies eventually ganged up on him and 8 kids beat him up at a schoo camp. Some suggested to me that "I go to the school and watch what happens on the play ground for myself but schools often won't let you do that, how do they know you are not a child predator after all or something ridiculous as that,(I think it is to help cover up). I have no trust in the school system and would not let them assess my son's situation. They are not the ones dealing with him at hom and when he can't get to sleep because he is too upset. Make the schoo responsible tell other parents, you'd be amazed how much support you can get from them. Let the school know if they don't get a handle on this you will let everyone know what kind of school this is.

Claudia - posted on 05/23/2010

Some children can be really mean, a lot of kids are facing these probelms. But most schools have those NO BULLIES program, or some sort of protection against bullies program. Especially to prevent major incidents such as injuries or even suicide. It is important that this issue is address because is affecting your son and will continue to until is not address. The school MUST and is their RESPONSIBILITY to address it. They are responsible for our children when our children are there to learn. Contact the school counselor, and go to the principal if noone else listens. I suggest taking your child to counseling. It will be of great help. Sometimes they do talk to other adults, don't feel bad about that. But it may help to get profesional help, but also as a support and guidance for you. Good Luck!

Dawn - posted on 05/21/2010

Hi Ros:
One suggestion I can offer up is to document everything. Write letters directly to the school about every incident, let them know that while a student is in school, the school is legally responsible for their welfare, inclusive of ANY type of bullying..physical, verbal, or emotional. Be firm about it. Let them know that future incidents are going to be documented via letter to them, and if there isn't improvement, the next step will be sending a letter to the Superintendent. After that, it will be the school board, and involvement of law authorities. You can file suit against the school, get with your local newspaper, get hold of your PTA Council..suggest having authorities go to school and do a program on bullying. Address the lack of serious consequences for bulling episodes..there needs to be something in place to make the bullies cease the behavior..1st offense write up - detention..2nd writeup suspension..3rd time expulsion. Parents have to take back the control on some of the issues...the schools aren't going to be responsible. It's a shame that the world has come to this - where we have to worry about protecting our children from children. Names are just words...encourage your son to realize that he more than any name, and he can also request to be moved away from those that are bothering him in his learning environment. There is nothing wrong with a student taking control of his education, and also let him know that by reporting the incidents, it's not being a cry baby or tattle tale or any other derogatory name...it's making people aware of behavior from other students that is probably being done to others beside himself..so technically, he's an advocate within the issue trying to make the school a better place to be. In my eyes, that makes him a HERO, because even bullies know that at some point, they will lose control. That is what bullies survive on..fear and controlling others. Your son is far more powerful than he is giving himself credit for. Please make sure he knows this...show him the best way to deal with meanies is to take his sail out of their wind :o) I wish you much luck and peace. Robert - those that call names and pick on others are just jealous that they are not able to be like the person that they are picking on...bullies are empty inside and use meanness to fill the void. My mom always said a quick reply to a name calling was " Why thank you! Coming from you, that is a compliment!" and smile and walk away. When bullies realize they can no longer affeect you...they are defeated. Good luck young man... :o)

Ros - posted on 04/16/2010

I am working through this issue with my non-ADHD son. Here in New Zealand there is a very strong non-bullying message coming from all the schools but it doesn't seem to stop children using verbal bullying and getting away with it. My son tends to be a bit sensitive so has got the nickname "crybaby" which gets whispered in his ear when he is working in class. Unfortunately because he has been complaining about bullying for a few years now the teachers tend to ignore him. I don't know what I can do to help more than what I am doing which is making sure the teachers know about it so they can look out for it. Also I am trying to help Robert work out ways to deal with the taunting and take the power back into his own hands, and keep on building up his self-esteem. Good luck with your situation and hope things improve soon.

Katrina - posted on 04/16/2010

the funny thing in our school district is that a police officer is posted at every school..(which that is a very sad thing)....the day my son got bullied by the same kids that followed him from elementary school doing the same thing....the police officer wrote up both the bully for numerous things and the wrote my son up for disorderly conduct for pushing the bully away from him since the teacher that was standing there was going to do anything...her it does not matter if you are the victim or not you have to take your child to court and let the judge and city attorney make the judgement....my son now has 6 month probation and 8 hours of community service to do at the police station (which is sort of funny since my 5 uncles, one which is the chief of police works there, so lets see what kind of community service my child is going to have to do)
the police chief thought that what happened to my child was not right since he was the victim but has figured out that the victims are having to do the same things that the offender has to so he is going to change things up....in our meeting this morning it was decided that when the group for the day goes out to pick up trash along the road, the victims will be standing with the quota clip board and beside the police officers that are going to be there to supervise and have the victims make off how much work the offenders have done until the victims community service is finished.

Dawn - posted on 04/16/2010

This is a message for everyone on here that is dealing with bully issues within their school:

DON'T rely on the principals, teachers or even the superintendent to "fix" things..they won't. The most they do is offer up small options to pacify you as a parent, or promises that things will be dealt with.

I live in PA, and my children have had to attend the Pequea Valley School District. The problems for them started as early as elementary...how ridiculous is that? I am a mother that stresses and makes it understood to my children that one doesn't invade another person's personal space. When hands are kept to self, nobody can be hurt. Yet, it is really amazing just how many other parents in the area are not as diligent in their teachings about harassment, cruelty and violence and making their children understand all the wrong that goes with them. My oldest son Brandon was always small as a youngster, as I knew he would be - genetically, he didn't stand a chance - I am small in frame, and his biological father was not much taller than me. I tried to reassure Brandon that he would at some point, just grow several inches and not realize it. (which I might add, happened over the past several months!). He's dealt with the bullying more than he should have had to. Recently - last month - another 8th grader came up behind him, stabbed him with a pencil, then raked it across his back. Brandon didn't tell anyone at school. He told me, and I asked him to let me see it. There was a puncture area near his spine, and then the drag mark for another 2 inches. Now, was it life threatening? No. I checked for lead, and luckily there was none. I did however decide to take a stand and make an effort to make some impact with my son being accosted on school grounds. I took photos of his back for evidence. I contacted the school Principal the next morning..but he was over at the other office. I left a message for him to call me back, along with a little detail about how my son had been attacked the day before, and that I expected to hear from someone very soon. I called back at about lunch time. Spoke with the same secretary. She advised me he was there, however he had a "long line of students outside his office". I got a tad upset at that, and told her that while I understood my child was not the only student, he was injured by another student, and that I expected to have something done about it. She repeated herself, to which I inquired, "Would I be able to speak with him any quicker if I went ahead nd brought the police with me, because I can do that without a problem"..she said that she would get my message to him right away. I told her that if I didn't get a response very soon, I would be contacting the police. I waited for 45 minutes for a phone call - nothing. So, I called my State Trooper barracks, and requested to file a complaint. I also sent an email to the assistant principal advising him of such, as well as details. A trooper was coming to the house that night to speak with Brandon. He spoke with Brandon, asked him for the details of how it all happened, I provided him a printed photograph of the injury, and the trooper advised that it would have been good for Brandon to have reported it to the office at school, because they would have had to document it, contact me about it, and then the police would have been at the school on the day it happened as opposed to almost 2 days later on a Friday. It wasn't a problem or anything - just that nothing could be done until Monday as far as contacting his superior who worked hand in hand with a juvenile team. There's a program that was created for these situations since bullying has become a seemingly national past time for some kids. Back in the day, parents were held responsible for their under age of 18 child's actions. In a case like this, Mom and Dad would have had to cough up money for a fine, and the kid was done, lesson not learned. Now, for offenses such as this, it goes before a review board, to determine severity of the act, and then consequences are handed down to the child..not the parent. Things such as so many hours of community service, formal apology to the victim, if crime is committed again, it becomes a higher offense and much deeper consequences. Bullies are only bullies for as long as people empower them. This particular student met with the assistant principal and my son, and admitted he'd had anger issues relating to home life. (however this was NOT the first time he'd messed with Brandon - he had told Brandon previusly that he just wanted to punch Brandon in the face because he was so "sweet" looking, and had also called Brandon "gay"). The police went to the school the day after that, and spoke with the assistant principal, the student and the student's mother - who was teacher up at the high school. I've made it very clear to the school and the district that I am not going to be pacified by promises of handling or dealing with issues. Parents need to make the schools understand that the school is legally responsible for any student's welfare while under their care, and if it means calling in police, filing complaints, pressing charges, talking to local newspapers about incidents, then it's what we need to do. Our children go to school to get an education, not to be harassed, made fun of, critcized, bullied or mentally or emotionally tortured on a daily basis. If the bullies don't want to follow the rules, then expel them. Period. Stop with the 15 different chances or levels of offense before a serious action is taken. If we can send our children to school, and they are mindful of how we as moralistic parents have raised them to be, why should we as parents, or or children for that matter, expect any less of the other students in the environment? I can tell you that the child that accosted my son will not make the same choice again after having had to meet with police, give an apology to Brandon, suffer consequence through the school directive, and then face his mom who works for the district. If it takes making an example out of one to save many, I'll do it, and I have no regrets. I just wanted all moms out there to know you have more power in these situations than you might think, and you never want to take the chance of "what if"..."what if that pencil point had been just one more centimeter over and gone another 1/2 cm in to Brandon's spine...WHAT IF Brandon had turned around at the last moment at the wrong angle and gotten the pencil stabbed in his face...or near his heart..." I did all that in one evening..it is no place for a mom or dad to be....I hope what I have posted gives you strength enough to pursue an issue that may still be ongoing for you, peace to know that your decisions should not be weighted by circumstances in the bully's life because it then becomes an excuse or a reason to "overlook"..., faith in yourselves as loving, protective parents that are more than within their realm of rights to expect an end to violence against your child. Our children have to believe and know that there are many in the world that will still stand up for what is right...and even more so when it involves a treasured gift from God. :o)

Katrina - posted on 04/15/2010

go to the superintendent and the school board if the principle is blow it off

Katrina - posted on 04/15/2010

ok...bullying is a touchy subject in my house since my oldest was bullied in elementary school and at his last school for being in special ed. and being so short and tiny.......the schools did nothing about it even when in 6th grade my son got his tooth knocked out. then in Dec. 09 my son was being bullied and hit and there was a teacher that was watching it happen....now my special needs child has had to goto court, do community service and pay court costs and fines for being a victim...the schools principle told me that if my son would not have pushed the other kid away from him then there would not have been any action towards my son.....when I confronted the principle about the bully she informed me that schools don't have bully problems its just kids being kids.

Stacey - posted on 04/14/2010

I totally understand what you are going through right now. Sounds like we have very similar situations. I think we will change my sons school this year. Is that an option for you. My son does not have a social life either. I think that is typical with children with ADHD. I try to foster friendships for my son, but he has to be an active participant too. Does your son have siblings. Is your son depressed. Maybe he should get counselling. Keep in touch. Maybe we can help eachother or give support. Take care and good luck. Stacey

Stacey - posted on 04/14/2010

Hello. I can really understand the issues all of you have discussed here. My oldest child is almost 13 yrs, in grade 7. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and mild depression, and has been on meds for the ADHD for several months now. He has always had problems since early on, but we were able to cope. It has been since puberty set in that has been really challenging. His grades are better now, but his social life is pitiful. I think he gets bullied but he wont talk about it with us or his therapist. Yes, he goes to counselling almost every week now. He has severe mood swings and acts out at home and breaks things around the house and calls us all names. It is terrible. He is at his grandparents right now for a mental break. He refuses to take his meds sometimes. We are waiting for him to see a phyciatrist so that he can get on anti-depressant meds. If anyone has any advice or needs support, please respond. Thanks, Stacey

April - posted on 04/13/2010

My son is 11 and overweight. He had recently been called a fag Jew at school. Other names have been called over the last few months. There is one boy who seems to initiate a lot of it. The teachers talk to him but it does no good. My son has come home extremely upset and crying. I am about to go to the principal. I try to explain to my son that people can say what they want and it has no meaning unless you let it, but he's a bit too young to really get that. I am probably going to have both kids go to counseling soon as they both have issues with their Dad getting married soon and other things.

Kryss - posted on 04/13/2010

First would like to say...sorry your son is going through this and y heart goes out to you as a mom its hard. My son is 10 almost 11 ...and somedays he gets quiet more than usual...all i have done and can do is explain to my son to be sure to not let kids run over him or mistreat him and if they do to speak to the counselor at school abt that. He never meets a stranger but it seems its the girls who seem to be mean or rude but that doesnt seem to bother him...my sons grades were bad until we got his eyes tested and got him glasses, now he passes and is doing well. I think if you fear he isnt making friendships i would have him talk to a counselor...it may wrk .

Lori - posted on 04/13/2010

Sounds like your kiddo has a good head on his shoulder for starters. Stinks that kids are so cruel. To keep his confidence up I'd say something extracirricular that he can do after school to keep him involved, boost his self esteem and get him around a different group of kids his own age that's not affiliated directly with school. It works great for kids with ADHD. Even if he should bump into one of those boys from school may even give him common ground for the kids to start getting along. I wish you and your son the best. Good Luck.

Debbie - posted on 04/02/2010

Hi, my son is 12 and has ADHD, he is in yr 8 now, we've had lot's of trouble at school, primary and secondary, with teachers using him as a scapegoat and other kids bullying him. Now he has a group of really good friends and he puts an invisible shield up against the verbal abuse, and if anyone is physical he fights back. He seems happier at school now.

Tracy - posted on 04/01/2010

Has he met with the school counselor? Sometimes kids will tell what's really going on to another adult when they won't tell a parent. My boss' daughter, who is ten, was having real anger issues at home, and while some of it was an actual disorder (PTSD), my boss also found out by chance that her daughter was being bullied at school when another little girl finally told her about the bullies. It was a huge "ring" of bullies, and they had targeted my boss' daughter and only her. This seems to be the trend now, but of course there is a ring leader that starts everything. In this case, it all boiled down to the fact that the bully ring leader was jealous of my boss' daughter's basketball skills! The ring of girls would call her "a lesbian" for no reason -she's not a lesbian and doesn't even know what that means. I'd suggest digging a little deeper in your situation just to make sure there isn't something bigger going on. These bully girls I'm talking about were able to keep their behavior hidden from all the teachers and administrators because much of the teasing happened between classes or after school.

Nancy - posted on 03/28/2010

My daughter has all the same problems without having ADHD. Unfortunatly it seams the new Normal. mean kids in Middle school. I have no advise but be assured you are not alone.