my 10 year old "step" son

Susan - posted on 01/02/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

48

3

3

I am living with my boyfriend and his two kids (son - 10 and girl - 13) that are there full time. They see their mom periodically, but not regularly (supposedly she and my boyfriend have joint custody), and although their Dad and I have been together almost 4 years, I just moved in with them about one year ago. (with their permission of course) I think they are having adjustment issues, especially the son, who periodically acts out. Sometimes he even resorts to talking like a baby. (which drives me insane) There have been other issues, but too many to list, and yes, I have tried for professional help. His father refuses to get help for either child, and says that if they don't talk to him, why would they talk to a stranger? I am a child of divorce, so I do understand the acting out and such. (he is 10, so if it weren't for the divorce, I am quite sure there would be other problems) I just want to help his transition to accepting his parents being apart, and me being in the picture. Does anyone have any advice?

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

6 Comments

View replies by

Susan - posted on 01/06/2010

48

3

3

Thanks to all for your help! I love the contract idea, and did talk to them somewhat about that, but never really made out a contract. I DID set up a "chore" board for each of us and on top of putting their chores for the day, we will say something like "be silly for one hour" or "don't forget to make your sister/brother laugh once" kinds of things - mostly so that they are encouraged to write on mine and their father's "chore board" on stuff they want us to do... We have adopted "family night" and it's touch and go (the kids don't always want to do what others have chosen) so it's still an adjustment. They are always welcome, and encouraged even, to talk about their Mom. They do that a lot and I think they feel pretty comfortable talking about her. (having been a kid of divorced parents, I learned a LOT) I just never thought it would be this hard. I was a WHIZ at being a teacher in a pre-school/after school program. sheesh.

Irene - posted on 01/06/2010

43

23

3

its important to remember ALL kids will push the boundries

you need to let them know you love them and your not going anywhere, some of this may be caused by their fear of having people leave them. you should make sure they can talk to their mum as much as they like and not shut them down if they talk about her. sometimes kids feel like accepting annother person in their lives is being disloyal the the parent that isnt around.

hopefully your boyfriend will change his mind about the councelor prahaps you could remind him it is often easier to talk to someone you dont know, they may not want to hurt him with some of the things they need to talk about and so dont talk to him.

children dont have alot of control of their lives so knowing they do something that gets a reaction out of you gives them power lol so they keep doing it.

you shoudl expect a certain amount of respect, my advice would be to tell him genmtly but firmly that you wont talk to him while he is talking like a baby and then just ignore it if he wants your atention he will change his behaviour

the parent.kid contract is a really good idea, make sure you really listen and repeat what they are saying in your own words and get them to do the same, often what we say and what others hear are not the same thing.

always treat them with respect and in time they will do the same.

Tanya - posted on 01/05/2010

12

7

7

My kids are in 4-H too. Great program!! His dad may feel that getting help from a counselor (or other type of professional) is a reflection upon his parenting...which it is not. Good parents need help too. You can also try a Parent/Kid contract. Sit down and hash out the rules and expectations you each have of each other. Let the kids really voice their needs and wants....you will be amazed! At the end of the discussion, write out a contract to be signed by all parties. Best of luck to you!

Susan - posted on 01/04/2010

48

3

3

I have never heard of AWANAs... I will surely look it up. He is involved with Football at the end of the summer/beginning of fall, but doesn't have anything else the rest of the year. In school, he is part of 4H and a program just for "fun" kids the school set up for kids with good grades. They meet twice a month. That's it...

Tanya - posted on 01/04/2010

12

7

7

is he part of any youth activities?? Maybe he would talk with a coach or youth group leader better than his "parents" right now. My kids are in AWANAs and love the people that lead it. Check into groups around your area.



Let him know that you are there to talk with anytime and love him BUT you are give him boundaries (kids need them).

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms