My 11 year old daughter only wants to be friends with "Queen Bees" and "Mean Girls" - why?

Noel Tristan - posted on 11/15/2012

Well... I'm also 11 (im turning 11in 13 days) and I used to be just like her. In third grade I had friends who ended up hating me and slamming my head around the bathroom at school. I went to a new school and made friends who decided to use public humiliation to tell them they hate me.

I now go to a new school where in the first day I indices everyone, and didn't find any mean girls (my school has no tolerance policy). I still have some advice. Maybe you should tell her that being popular isn't about hanging with the "Queen Bee", but is truly about being sweet, and respectful, and nice to everybody (make sure to still keep your guard up). I did that and now I am 6th grade representative. I guess you could say I am queen bee but I never consider looking at myself like that. I consider my self as a normal student. Tell your daughter to try to stay away from drama queens, they just ruin your life. Tell her to find true friends and nice, real popularity.

Sophie - posted on 09/15/2012

Look I guess I'm the queen bee of my class I'm 11 and really cool ( and nice to everyone)

My advice is walk over confident ( cool girls love some o who is confident and stands strong says. Hi if the say something mean don't like go dob (straight away) say something back it makes u seem cooler then they will just like u for u hopefully if u can break that wall they will let u in

Shelly - posted on 09/20/2011

I know this is an old topic, but my daughter is going through the being the social outcast, but she still wants to be friends with the kids who have decided they don't want to be her friend. Even the parents of these kids are involved--one going so far as to write me a note about my daughter's behavior that she found unacceptable. I've been reading the books mentioned here, along with Queen Bees and Wanna Bees, as well as Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads. Guess it's comforting (in some small way) to find this is not as uncommon as it seems to be. Don't know whether to trust my child's teacher with my feelings, or if that will start the teachers looking at my daughter differently. My daughter's birthday party is coming up and the one or two girls she seems obsessed about coming are not coming. My daughter's devastated about it--don't know how to get her to enjoy the friends who are coming. She gets extremely angry at my when I broach this subject. I'm at a loss, and hope she will find true friends instead of the ones she thinks are her friends.

Clare - posted on 09/25/2010

I don't know why this seems to happen. I have been through some crap that my daughters "friends" treating her bady and it always seems to be that One girl in the group that everyone follows....she speaks and they all jump,when it is usually her they all dislike.. I have found that a bit of advice from me and alot of standing back does the trick my daughter (13) has now branched out into different social groups and seems to be friends with a wide variety of groups which i prefer, and she is alot happier. If you have installed good values and given sound advice there isn't alot more you can do. just be there for her when she needs you . Hope all works out :)

Julie - posted on 09/24/2010

MY daughter is totally socially unaware... she wore a wolf tail to school the other day...has no idea that her group of friends are not "popular" or that there is anything strange about them... sometimes I worry about her that she doesn't pay closer attention to things like who's is popular and things like that. The "in" girls are constantly trying to get her into her group...probably because she is pretty and seems to attract boys very easily... but sense they have no interest in writing computer code , fencing or Japanese she simply hangs out with her little group that is known as "the randomness kids" she is just happy being her..and I have to just realize I cant want her to be "popular" if she doesn't

Laura - posted on 09/24/2010

This is a common social problem, especially with girls. First, let me recommend a couple of books that might help give you insight into this behavior:
"Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons
"Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher, PhD
These books are good resources--I have read and used them myself. Not only do they give good advice, but they look at the behaviors involved in these types of social dynamics. It can be painful reading at times but the leasons and insight learned made it worthwhile for me.

While it's true that your daughter will have the opportunity to make new, nicer friends she will also have the opportunity to get involved in other school activities where she can meet new kids too. Encourage her to find something that SHE is interested in, not something that the "cool" kids are doing neccessarily. Also encourage her to get involved outside of school activities--YMCA classes, Little League softball, church youth group, Boys & Girls Club, etc. where she can meet kids that don't neccessarily go to her school.

Finally, share with her your thoughts on friendship and what it means to you. I've had this discussion with my daughter (who is now 12) when we experienced something similar a few years ago. I simply told my daughter that there are certain behaviors (bullying, disrespect, name-calling, etc) that I won't tolerate from people, adults or children, and that she shouldn't tolerate these behaviors either. I also made it clear that these behaviors wouldn't be tolerated from her. Your daughter is worthy of respect and dignity and should come to expect that from her peers. Anything less isn't acceptable and she should seek friendships elsewhere. This is easier said then done, but the end results will be a child with a much stronger sense of self esteem. Hope this helps and good luck!

Melissa - posted on 09/23/2010

i really have no advice on this but i just wanted to add that i can sympathize with you on this subject as i am going through exactly what you have described with my almost 11 yr old daughter as well, very frustrating, good luck!

Tracy - posted on 04/09/2010

Your daughter just wants to be popular like 99.9% of girls her age. She will take a certain amount of rejection to achieve this status because it's worth it to her if she can eventually get accepted by the group. Now that she's changing schools you have an excellent opportunity to start talking to her about LEADERSHIP. Instead of trying to follow certain kids in order to be accepted, she should consider trying to be a leader that other kids want to follow. If she makes good grades and is active in student government, after school clubs, church groups, and so on, chances are she will have the confidence to take on a leadership role. At her new school she needs to be very uninhibited and smile and introduce herself around. Make sure she looks nice and invites other girls over to your house soon so that they can get to know her and like her right off the bat. She may still not be in the most popular group, but she will find friends that are like her. At her new school the kids will not have already pre-judged her and she can re-create her image.

Jennifer - posted on 04/09/2010

I know boys are a little different than girls but some kids at this age are just MEAN. My 11 year old son was seeking the friendship of a child I do not really care for. The kid makes fun of him and calls him names. When I asked why he wanted to be friends with this little jerk my son told me it was because he thought if they were friends the kid would stop picking on him. I'm not saying this is why your daughter chooses to be friends with the "Mean Girls" but for my son he thought if he befriended the mean kids he would not be the object of their jokes. It might help if you could get her involved in activities outside of school that interest her before the next school year starts. Then she may find "nerdy" friends and make bonds before she has the influence of the "Mean Girl" crowd. Good Luck and stay supportive and listen to your daughter's needs! She will assist you in helping steer her in a positive direction!

Terri - posted on 04/09/2010

hi melinda my name is terri i know what you are going through .my daughter is 13 years old and she wants to be in the popular group but the girls are snobby and dont like my daughter.they told her she is not like they are.and i keep telling her to leave them girls alone.2 popular girls came to her birthday party just for the party i heard they dont like her. my daughter has adhd and she talks to them girls on the computer but she repeates herself a lot and bothers them alot i think thats why thet dont like her.and she keeps telling them that she wants to be in her popular group. but they keep telling her no.i really feel bad for my daughter i dont know what to do for her either.when i want to help her she gets upset easily. and then i get upset about the whole thing.i just tell my daughter to just leave the mean girls alone .the only thing is my daughter has no friends she hangs around 8 and 9 years old and she fights with them to