My 12 year old twin daughters want to have a boyfriend?

Candy - posted on 12/29/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My one daughter and I have not been getting along so well lately she is 12 and wants to be aloud to have a boyfriend and will argue constantly about it, she thinks its appropriate for her and this boy to go to a movie by themselves. The other twin talks to me about everything and is more understanding, she has told me about a boy she likes and he likes her ( she has butterflies in her stomach ) But now shes getting in a mood to go out with this boy. I really need help I cant handle this pre teen stage....they tell me that myself and their father wont let them grow up but I think their growing up way to fast...am I wronge for not letting them have a boyfriend

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Jane - posted on 02/04/2010

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I think that by allowing our childen to choose their own friends from a young age is actually a good thing. We often choose our friends based on the fact we share similar interests, values, etc. At 12, they don't want a relationship! Rather a friend who just happens to be the opposite sex. At 12, our kids still listen to us,so open communication is of utmost importance. At 12, allowing them to make friends of the opposite sex also takes the curiosity away. I was allowed to go out with boys when I was 12, but always in a group. You're right, Candy, they would be petrified of one on one and not know what to say. This way, they are getting experience with the opposite sex on a "friendship" basis and friendships break down if we discover things about our friends that we don't like. By 16, if we haven't had this experience, it makes us more vulnerable and could result in a devastated teen, because they've not had the chance to be choosy about their friendships with the opposite sex. A 16 year old is going to want a lot more than a 12 year old is! By the way, it's not always boys who have high expectations and raging hormones. I have a 12 year old boy, we discuss everything and I have allowed him to see girls (going to movies in a group, etc). He told me recently that he had "dumped" his girlfriend. When I asked why, he showed me a note she had given a friend to give him. This 12 year old girl said that she couldn't wait to get him alone to use the handcuffs she had bought. This scared the crap out of him and he ran the other way. This girl obviously doesn't come from a family who discusses their values and what is and isn't appropiate. So long as we talk to our kids and they keep talking back, there is no mystery or curiosity. Good luck and just know that there are actually some nice 12 year old boys out there who have similar issues, good values and know the meaning of the word respect!.

Michelle - posted on 12/29/2009

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I work with 10 to 12 year olds in my church (Tween Ministry) and the mom of a 12 year old. My first suggestion to you is "DON'T PANIC'. Lol. It's perfectly normal for her to like boys, and to want a boyfriend. If you make it a 'tug-of-war' topic, it will only get worse. Kids are maturing faster than we did, because they are exposed to a lot more. 12 is the new 16 OMG! I suggest you set time aside with your daughter and create a non threatening atmosphere. Ask you daughter a lot of questions, starting with 'why do you like this young man?' Listen to her answers very carefully. You may hear her talk about some voids this guy is filling. Also, don't back off of your values or standards. Give her an appropriate age that she can date and don't waiver from it. Girls today need moms, not friends. Lastly, tell dad to date his daughter. Girls at her age desire male attention. If they don't get it from dad, the next best thing is mr. cute guy--who is usually some harmone racing boy who is not thinking about 'love' the way your daughter may be.



I hope this helps. They are just ideas. You sound like you love her very much, so I know you will find something that works for your family. Good luck.

Elena - posted on 01/25/2010

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You are definitely not wrong for not allowing her to have a boyfriend. I think you should have a serious talk with her and explain that she is not old enough to even mention the word boyfriend, and that this kind of talk is only for 15 and above. My 7 yr old son wants to play his brothers rated T games on playstation, but I do not allow it. I tell him he is not old enough. I think a parent has to be a parent by being assertive and setting the rules instead of allowing their children to boss them around.

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Deanna - posted on 09/04/2011

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Yes snd no. Fobiddening it causes their minds to wonder. Why is this such a bad thing? I have triplets and two of them have so called boyfriends (they are 11) the other and I are sll in their business. I have an open line of communication with them and all their friends ,(boys and girls). I talk to them about everything from a~z. They start it I will finish it. If you don't want to hear it, then keep your mouth closed. I am up in all conversations be it in person, phone (talk/text), computer, whatever I am in it. Believe me. I would rather they hear it from me than some knucklehead on the street.

Kim - posted on 09/01/2011

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I had boyfriends from the age of 6...didn't mean we went on dates...the meeting at the movies started at age 8 but your just watching the movie then at 11 your holding hands and kissing. My daughter is now 25...I never had a problem with her drinking, doing drugs, smoking or getting pregnant...because I sat her down and talked to her one on one. If you close off communication and make it where she feels she can't confide in you, you will soon regret that action. They grow faster from this point on, it's never too late to share with them the consquenses of their potential actions. Show them what STD's are out there, what can happen if you get each one.... let her know she can have a boyfriend but you will be involved with their meetings outside of school. Talk openly so you don't end up on Maury show finding out who the babies daddy is! Let them know when they turn 16 then they can go on a date to the movies or races (whatever is sutible to you) without you being there holding her had but she will be monitored. Let her know about Date Rapes, let her see or educate her about girls being kidnapped, murdered, raped, sold etc..When she turns 17 close to 18 she will need to be ready to face the world on her own so, this is your time to get her ready for that! You can protect them but if you try to cage them you lose them!

Make sure the tracking chip is activated on her cell phone..people don't forget the last few children that were on amber alerts were saved due to cell phones!

Monica - posted on 01/19/2010

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I THINK THEY ARE TOOOO YOUNG TO HAVE BOYFRIENDS!!!! THEY WILL BE MAD FOR AWHILE BUT EVENTUALLY THEY WILL GET OVER IT. TALK TALK TALK TO THEM....I HAVE 3 KIDS OF MY OWN AND I TELL THEM THAT IF THEY EVER WANT A GIRLFRIEND OR A BOYFRIEND THEN THEY NEED TO SHOW ME BY WASHIN THEIR CLOTHES & MAKIN THEIR OWN FOOD. THEY ARE LIKE WHY AND I TELL THEM THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES TO HAVE A HUBBY OR WIFE ARE YOU READY TO TAKE CARE OF SOMEONE ELSE. PLUS TEEN PREGNANCY IS SO HIGH AND YES I WAS A TEEN MOM BUT I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE TO GUIDE ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. SO BE THEIR GUIDE AND HELP THEM MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES.

Jesseca - posted on 01/17/2010

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My daughter has had lots of friends who are boys. I dont think I would let them go to the movies alone. I would say go out with them or have the boys mom take them out. My daughter has been out on a date already she is 12. Of course the boys mom took them out for dinner and a movie. Hope this helps

Ellen - posted on 01/15/2010

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12 is entirely too young to be dating or having boy friends. A group is better at that age and with at least one chaperone. No they don't like it, but hold your ground on this one. 16 is early enough.

Elena - posted on 01/15/2010

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I do not think 12 is the new 16 OMG, unless you do not know how to monitor your child's friends and internet access. 12 is supposed to be 12, which is an immature little girl who should not be allowed to have boyfriends. Asking your daughter alot of questions, like why do you like this young man is not a good idea because it makes the parent sound like a friend and on the same level as the child. A parent should be a parent not a friend and say that this kind of thing is not allowed or their will be consequences.

Elena - posted on 01/15/2010

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I think having a boyfriend at 11 is way too young. It can lead to trouble. A parent needs to be able to put her foot down and be assertive with her children and to explain that this kind of thing is inappropriate until the age of 14 or 15. I am shocked to hear that a girl at the age of 11 even knows what a boyfriend is? My 12 yr old son doesn't even dare to ask me such questions.

Kathy - posted on 01/15/2010

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I had a boyfriend at that age. We held hands at school, but never went on a date or kissed. My 12 yr old daughter's friends have boyfriends, but I don't think they go on "dates." Everyone goes to the movies as a group, and I haven't heard about anyone ditching the group or other unsavory activities.

Christine - posted on 01/15/2010

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I agree with all the posts. We must as moms stand firm, and protect them and stay their mom, not their friend with letting them date at this early age!! As a footnote here, i had a 17 year old, well grounded child who said to me that she had alot of friends and shes glad her mom stayed her mom. I have a daughter 13 and she has the understanding that when she turns 16 she might get to date, depending on her grades. She knows that right now her "job" is to keep her school work up. You know the old thing (being old fashioned here) if you cant keep your grades up you cant go outside or you cant watch your favorite TV show? Boy has that changed. I feel like if she cant keep her grades up, how can she hold down a relationship? We have had calm atmosphere time to talk about these things also. She also has somewhat of an understanding that to date means you are also looking to your future for a spouse, same as above. Great idea on the book. I may purchase that too. I also have a son who is 11 and he is a spit-fire with arguing, too, seems similar. I find myself arguing back with him, so i have to stop that!! I also agree with having her dad date her. Have him take her to the movies, individually. That is something my daughter loves to do with my husband, and they have a great relationship. I know that helps her confidence level!! Fyi, Focus on your child with Focus on the family has helped us through the years and also Family life today's Passport to Purity. Best wishes to you and yours!!
Praying for you and our daughters!!
Christine Brown

Tamara - posted on 01/14/2010

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No, your right. I have a son 28, daughters 22 and 10 yrs old. I was firm with no room for conversation for boys at that age. Told her them it was ridicules. When you open up the conversation on most things it should be open. But, on things I knew were boundries don't even go into the start of conversations. It opens the door for the next step the dating. I would shut them down drastic on that. I was fortunate that my 22 yr old was neveer boy crazy. I am now raising my 16 yr old niece who is boy crazy and it's a whole new world. I am trying to get her to back step. her life should not be all about boys but it is. School, working out, friends I mean everything is boy based. i think if my sister would of kept some things to a minuim her mind and trying to push me faster then i want to go would not have been so difficult. My daughter knew well that ain't flying yet. She would wait longer, then it was time and we broached the conversation. Good luck hope this helps.

Candy - posted on 01/06/2010

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Thanks for everyones input... Im tring to loosen up a little so things are getting better..I relize if I give them a little freedom ( not as much as they want LOL) they tend to listen and understand more..they still can not have a boyfriend but they can go to the moveies and games within a group. The young man came to the house the other day and played video games with her brother and she sat and never said a word was scared to death...I think she relized she isnt ready for a boyfriend it made her to uncomfortable.. thank goodnessLOL

Kami - posted on 12/29/2009

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I have a 12and a half YO girl, but she's not wanting to date. When she turned twelve I purchased a book called "Preparing your daughter for every womans battle". This book helps you open up a dialogue to talk openly with your daughter about dating, sex, how boys think, how your choice of dress affects young men (and older ones). I found it a great tool to use to talk to her about this. She also understands that in our home dating is viewed as trying out a future spouse, not just getting alone with Mr. Cute Guy. So I asked her are you ready to get married at 12? She said "NO", so I then went off that to so you're not ready to date then huh?

I know, you may say that this is old fashioned thinking or it doesn't work when 12 is the new 16 (terrifying thought). But, if you explain to her that you are trying to protect her and are doing this out of love, she will one day (around 35) understand this and love you for it.

As a comprimise you may suggest a group date. Girls do need to learn that they can hang out with boys in a social setting and it doesn't have to be dating. Boys are part of the world and our young ladies need to be able to be friends with a boy without jumping to dating first thing.

This is just my opinion, but I hope it helps.

Div

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