My 12 yr old son has virtually no contact with his Father

Kate - posted on 10/27/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

72

13

9

My older son has no contact from from his Dad apart from Xmas and Birthday cards. I have since re-married and we now have another son in the household. Oli calls my husband 'Dad' and has done for a few years. I was a single parent before that, from Oli being 18 months old.

I don't feel that he is missing out on the contact with his Father but he knows that his Father still sees his other children (from his first marriage and also from a relationship a few years ago)

I have tried talking to his biological Dad and said that Oli is aware of this and therefore it's hurtful. But his answer is that if Oli wants to see him he can call or text him. I just think that it shouldn't be Oli that has to call or text. I used to send tickets for Oli's school productions, copies of his school reports etc so that he knew how and what he was doing. I wonder should I just give up, but I don't want Oli (in years to come) to be told that I didn't make any effort for him to still se his Dad.



Has anyone else experienced this?

Am I trying to fight a losing battle?



Kate

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Luna - posted on 11/20/2009

19

30

3

Hi Kate,

I think you have done what you can. After 12 years of this, I would have quit trying to fix it long ago.

My 13y/o is in the same situation, and 3 years ago my husband adopted him. We do talk about his bio dad, but I don't make any excuses for him, nor do I say bad things about him. It doesnt bother my son, that his dad doesnt have time for him, since he has a great relationship with his adopted father. The way our boys have growing up, they know where home is, and I am sure that if the question ever comes up later in life, we can both look them in the eyes and say we truly tried.

Hang in there, and if Oli wants to contact him, then let him, but make sure that he knows that it might not happen.

Luna

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

22 Comments

View replies by

Louisa - posted on 01/12/2010

1

10

0

My daughter is 11 her father lives locally and she only sees him when she bumps into him in town. After years of brocken promises she has diowned him by writing a letter of her own desision. Her Nans funeral was the last straw where he turned up univited,playing the loving Dad. If its any consulation kids are remarkabley resillient. Oli will know you made the effort this sort of contact has to be 50 50. One person cant do it all.

Debi - posted on 01/10/2010

130

36

14

Kate, My daughter is now 14 she use to see her dad until she was 11 he has a new wife and new baby about the time she quit going to his house, I have tried to talk to him about her seeing him even if it is for an hour or so and he never calls back. They will learn that it is there dads not us in due time. It is very hard for her because she knew what was going on. I just wish he would have done this to her when she was young enough to forget. Now I tell her to call if she wants give her the opportunity to call him if she does then ok but she has not wanted to. She has called my new husband dad for 7 years and calls her real dad by his name. It is Sad but there is nothing you can do but be there for him and never talk bad about him.

[deleted account]

yes you are and i would stop, have you talked to Oli to see what he thinks as it is not you bridge but his? if you feel that he is to young i would tell your ex that he is in his life or not and you will no longer be talking bribes eg birthday cards from him. which he only sends to make him self feel better and from the sounds of things makes your son feel worse. it sounds like your son has a fab male role model in his life through your husband. if you really want your ex to have the school reports give them his address and get them to send them to him.

Kate - posted on 11/21/2009

72

13

9

Ashley. Thank you so much for ur comments. It's great that you are such a good mum to ur step son! xxx

Kate - posted on 11/21/2009

72

13

9

Quoting Ashley:

Kate,

I am in a slightly different situation that yours in that I have a step-son who just turned 13 and doesn't see or hear from him bio-mom except maybe every 6 months if even that. He doesn't even get birthday cards or anything from her, and then when he does see her he sees all the stuff that she has gone out and gotten her other 3 kids from other relationships who she does see constantly, but also doesn't have custody of. He misses his 2 half brothers and sister, but we have told him that it is up to him now if he wants to try and contact her he can, but that we are not going to force him to have anything to do with her. He has tried calling her several times and got no answer and her last boyfriend was a little more honest with him than we would have liked and informed Zakk that his mom ignores his calls on purpose. He has more or less given up and decided that it isn't worth it. I know as his step-mom and mother of his newest sister that I love him like my own and treat him as such! I feel that it is her loss and a gain for me! He is a great kid and deserves to be shown that, which is what I try my hardest every day to do. As far as his friends go, although they know about his bio-mom, I am his mom to them. He tells everyone the truth, but says that it is fine because he has a good mom now! If you try to push it, he may resent you in the future, but if you give him the option of calling his dad and talking then you have done all that you can. I hope this helps!

Ashley


 

Liz - posted on 11/20/2009

6

6

1

I understand where you are coming from, my 12 yr old daughter has not seen her biological father in almost 2 yrs in Feb 2010. My current husband and I have been togethr since she was 2. One day I had to sit her down and explain to her that the family we have togethr is better than what he could give her. He used to only call when it was convient for him or if he had a girlfriend that didn't mind kids. Now I don't hear from him,or see any child support. He got a divorce about a year ago or so and now his exwife and I still get together so that the girls can be in each others lives.

Devene - posted on 11/20/2009

1

4

0

Quoting Kate:

My 12 yr old son has virtually no contact with his Father

My older son has no contact from from his Dad apart from Xmas and Birthday cards. I have since re-married and we now have another son in the household. Oli calls my husband 'Dad' and has done for a few years. I was a single parent before that, from Oli being 18 months old.
I don't feel that he is missing out on the contact with his Father but he knows that his Father still sees his other children (from his first marriage and also from a relationship a few years ago)
I have tried talking to his biological Dad and said that Oli is aware of this and therefore it's hurtful. But his answer is that if Oli wants to see him he can call or text him. I just think that it shouldn't be Oli that has to call or text. I used to send tickets for Oli's school productions, copies of his school reports etc so that he knew how and what he was doing. I wonder should I just give up, but I don't want Oli (in years to come) to be told that I didn't make any effort for him to still se his Dad.

Has anyone else experienced this?
Am I trying to fight a losing battle?

Kate


 

Melanie - posted on 11/19/2009

33

19

3

I'm going trough the same thing right now. In fact I just went to court yesterday. You see my son mother was gone for nine years. Last Sept. she contacted us and wanted to see him, we let her have 4 visits supervised of coursed then she stopped contacting us. In May we got severed paper stating that she was taking us to court for custody/visitation. We have not heard a rolling yet. The judge is leaning on terminating her right. Anyways the easiest way is to talk to your son and ask how he feels about his step-dad adopting him, If his alright with it the I would file for termination of patently right and step parent adoption. I think you have a pretty good case. A tips make sure you have the best lawyer money can buy and that your prepared for a fight.

LATOYA - posted on 11/19/2009

1

17

0

My son and I are dealing with a similar situation. My son just turned 13yrs old last month. His dad has always been in and out of his life and he also has other kids. My personal theory is this, be honest to your child about what's going on don't make excuses for the absent parent. A child should NEVER chase after a deadbeat parent no matter what!! Let your child know that you've made all attempts that you can possibly make. Let the father know exactly how your feeling and that you will no longer be apart of his. As for your child let him know that you haven't Given Up but your tired of Being Let Down. Let him make the ultimate decision on how he wants to handle this! If he wants to continue down the same road or detour to another in which will be healthier. The battle will not be lost because it's not your battle to fight!! Don't own the responsiblity for his actions, it's not your fault. When it's all said and done he'll have to answer to his maker. There is no forgiveness for abandonment of your flesh and blood!!

Keep the Faith.

Ashley - posted on 11/18/2009

4

79

0

Kate,



I am in a slightly different situation that yours in that I have a step-son who just turned 13 and doesn't see or hear from him bio-mom except maybe every 6 months if even that. He doesn't even get birthday cards or anything from her, and then when he does see her he sees all the stuff that she has gone out and gotten her other 3 kids from other relationships who she does see constantly, but also doesn't have custody of. He misses his 2 half brothers and sister, but we have told him that it is up to him now if he wants to try and contact her he can, but that we are not going to force him to have anything to do with her. He has tried calling her several times and got no answer and her last boyfriend was a little more honest with him than we would have liked and informed Zakk that his mom ignores his calls on purpose. He has more or less given up and decided that it isn't worth it. I know as his step-mom and mother of his newest sister that I love him like my own and treat him as such! I feel that it is her loss and a gain for me! He is a great kid and deserves to be shown that, which is what I try my hardest every day to do. As far as his friends go, although they know about his bio-mom, I am his mom to them. He tells everyone the truth, but says that it is fine because he has a good mom now! If you try to push it, he may resent you in the future, but if you give him the option of calling his dad and talking then you have done all that you can. I hope this helps!



Ashley

Kate - posted on 11/17/2009

72

13

9

Thanks so much for all the responses.
Cori - I know full well his bio Dad would never let Mick adopt his son!! I would love him to be able to do so. His bio Dad doesn't know yet that Oli has even changed his name by deed poll.
But great to know from everyone that commented that I'm not on my own with this issue.
x

Cori - posted on 11/05/2009

10

8

1

if he truely loves your current hubby then talk to the ex and see if he will let him adopt your son. that is what we did and my daughter who is 10 fully understood what we were doing and she had her own reason why. her birth father didnt care for her as much as he did his son. painful yes did i put the thoughts there no this what came about from the courts making her go see him when she didnt want to because he treater her badly

Laura - posted on 11/03/2009

1

7

0

I'm going through the exact same think with my almost 11 year old daughter. Fortunaley for her my now husband (George) has stepped up to the plate since she was 18 months old. To be honest I never told her of her bio father that is until he showed up about a year ago, started out keeping in touch with her often to nothing at all. I figured if you didn't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all. This man was so abusive to me and it's hard to forget those memories. But for her I put all that behind me. When I did finally tell her in a nice way(that we had just lost touch over the years) She reacted in a way that shocked me. She said if he really loved her he wouldn't have let that happen. She has since shown George more love and appreciation. She's too smart for her own good sometimes. As long as we show them all the love we can give and be positive with them and their feelings toward their father, the'll be just fine. I know because my daughter said" I have 2 loving parents that are here for me whenever I need them." It's the bio father's loss. Just be strong, but you don't have to chase him down either. If he wants to be in his life, he will. It just shows you where THEIR (bio dad)responsibilities lie. Good Luck, I'm glad to know it's not just me dealing with bad dads.

Heidi - posted on 11/02/2009

1,347

130

174

I know exactly how you are feeling. I left my ex when my son was 8 months old. Mind you at first my ex would come every other week to see his son, but that was short lived. As soon as my ex started having his daughters with his wife and now there are 3 the visits come less and less. So bad its down to twice a year. When my son was younger I wasn a single mom from the time my son was 8 months till he was almost 2. Then I married a wonderful man who has accepted my son as his own and treats him as his own. My son is now 10 1/2 and has been calling my husband dad since before he turned 4. On the rare occasions that my son sees his bio dad he is not allowed to call my husband dad, only by his first name. Not once since my son has been in school has my ex ever asked to see any of my sons report cards. I use to mail pics of my son on a regualr basis, my son use to mail cards and little gifts to his 3 sisters, but a few years ago the wife of my ex told my son and me that she no longer wanted my son to send things to her daughter. I still have that email so that I don't get accused of any misdoing. I use to make an effort, but I don't anymore. When my ex does call for a visit I let my son decide if he wants to see him or not. I won't force my son at all. I use to have to talk him into it and he would get mad at me. It should be up to the FATHER and not the child to make arrangements for calls or visits. Its the FATHERS responisbility, not the childs and certainly not yours. I have tried over the years to express my feelings and concerns and it gets me no where, so I did give up. If my son wants to call his father of course he can, if he wants to visit his father he can. I will never stop him from that at all.

So I do know how your son feels about being hurt because my son feels the same way. Hurt and unloved by his father. My son has done nothing wrong and neither has your son. The only person to blame for the father being absent is the father and only the father. No excuse can be excused for the dads behaviour. He either needs to stand up and be a father to his child or walk away and let him grow up with out him, and have his stepdad be the better father figure to his son, since he seems to have no interest. In years to come your son will understand and realize who is REAL dad. The man that loves him unconditionally and has taken him under his wing...his stepdad. Thats just the way I see it and I will apologize to those who I have offended, but I have been dealing with this for far to many years and it pisses me off that a man could have the gull to say he has a son then basically pushes him to the side. It drives me bonkers, but I am glad that I am not the only that feels like they are losing the same battle as me.

[deleted account]

My son is 16. He now has a relationship with dad but that started a little over a year ago. Prior to that, my son hadn't spoken to him since he was 5. And that was when his dad told him he was getting married to someone with 2 kids which he would be raising. So my situation was not exactly the same but I can tell you how I helped my son coped. For a short time, we knew where his dad lived so I would have my son send a Christmas card and pictures. (He had moved to a different state so visiting him was not an option.) However, he moved later without telling us and we had no way to contact him. When my son asked questions like why doesn't my dad love me, I admit I wanted to call him a loser and much, much worse. However, I chose to tell him his dad did love him but didn't know how to show. I tried to never say bad things about his dad in front him and didn't allow others to do it either. Eventually my son came to realize it was his dad's choice not to be involved. I always told my son if he ever wanted to find his dad, I would pay whatever it costs to do it. He chose not to. My son was bitter and so was I. When I got the call that his dad wanted to get in touch with him, I wanted to ignore it. But it is my son's father and I let my son set the pace.

I agree with you that it shouldn't be Oli's responsibility to call his dad. If Oli wants to, let him. Keep sending copies of things to his dad. I know its hard and if you're like me, there's a feeling of resentment each time you do it. But Oli will respect you and love you more for it, if not now, definitely when he gets older. Just keep telling yourself you're doing it for your son and it's all worth it. Good luck

Melana - posted on 10/30/2009

1

10

0

Sometimes Kate, an absent biological father is a blessing in disguise. You have already done all, if not more, than you can possibly do to insure that your ex had the opportunity to be a part of your son's life. He has unfortunately chosen not to be a "dad". Lucky for Oli you have husband who has stepped in and accepted that role. Its the ex who is missing out. At 12 Oli is old enough to understand the basic notion that is father has made a life "choice", the difficult part is making him realize that is has nothing to do with him (your son).

I say all of this because I have dealt with this exact situation with my son since his father and I divorced when he was 2. Dyllon is now 13 and has never had a relationship with his "father", who lives in the next town over. No phone calls, b-day cards, or child support. The hardest part has been making him understand that there is nothing wrong with him (dyllon) and everything wrong with his "father" who chooses not to be one.



Good-luck and just continue to show your son all the love in the world. Eventually the "father" will have to answer for his own actions. You have done more than most would have.

Sarah - posted on 10/28/2009

6

26

2

I split from my ex husband when my son was nearly 4. To start with his father see him every weekend but that didnt last but i learnt very quickly not to say to my son when he was goin to see him that way he didnt feel disappointed when he didnt come. Same with phone calls, if he rung me he would say tell him i will phone him but i never did because that phone call never came. I did everything i could to makesure that my son could never say to me in years to come you stopped me from seeing my dad. When his dad see him i would take my son to him but he would have to bring him home, sometimes i did both runs just so that he could see his dad. It changed to seeing him fourtnightly then if he cancelled i would change my weekend so that my son could stil see his dad. It got to a point that i said im not prepared to keep changing my weekends for him, he couldnt be bothered. I got stronger as years went on and i gently explained things to my son as he was getting older. Over the years it has got less and less, one year he only see him twice but my son knew that it wasn't my fault. I have since remarried and have had a daughter and my ex has had another child from a short lived relationship. My ex see's his daughter regular as they live near each other which obviously hurts my son. My ex cant drive but even my son knows there are other ways to travel to come and see him if he really wanted to. My son has been playing football every weekend for 5 yrs and he has never once come and see him play. He took up football at weekends to replace the fact that he never see his father, he had something else to look forward to and he did. I have had some tough times over the past 9yrs but i have been honest with my son the whole time. My son is now 13 and has a good idea of what his father is like. When my ex phones to speak to him my son has attitude with him which i cant blame him but i do tell him not to talk to him like that. When my son does see his dad he has to stay at his nans which he now chooses not to. His nan is another story, she says to me, you know joe is always welcome to come and stay. His nan can drive why cant she come and see him and take him out for the day why has it got to be me that takes him there, i dont think so. My sons priority now is his mates so his dad now takes a back seat but that is his own fault and its something he will have to live with. Ive since told my son little bits of why me and his dad spilt up as i can see his dad in him sometimes and thats hard. Ive now left it down to my son and his dad to sort things out, when they see each other, i just get told unless of course it affects me then i will stil put my foot down. My son now knows that i did everthing i could to keep their relationship going and thats all that matters to me.

Krista - posted on 10/27/2009

80

17

5

My son is 10 years old and his father left him around 1 and never saw him till he was 7 but that did not last long a few months he was gone again because he was having issues and then he called to see if he could come to a birthday party. I was nice and let him but that was it now I don't know if he is dead or alive but my son knows I tried and the last I heard he thought I only cared about money because he couldn't work because one I was sore. Here I do what all moms do go to work pain or no pain. I broke my back went to work and right now I have a spine injury and a rip in my arm tendon but I have no choice but go to work because children cost money. He just couldn't get that either but my daughters faither just came back in the picture because like you i don't want her to blame me if I get in the middle



She has to decide for herself I give her the best tools I can and hope that helps but he looks like he has change and after 6 years of not know she was so happy but I tell her one day at a time no promises.

Kate - posted on 10/27/2009

72

13

9

Thanks Joanne. I just sometimes think perhaps I should be doing more, but after 12 years I'm not sure what more I can do! x

Joanne - posted on 10/27/2009

1

17

1

I think that you are a caring mother that just wants the best for her son... it is not your fault (and don't hold onto the guilt) that his biological father doesn't appreciate Oli. I have two kids to my first marriage, a boy 15 and a girl 17, who has had that situation most of their life. Their father has had no consistency in being a father , one day he was their best friend and taking them out and seeing them regularly then the next not seeing them for years and he would only pay child support during the times he was seeing them ... apparently they didn't eat, go to school, wear clothes or live in a house during this time. But they are now old enough to realise now that he couldn't give more than that and they want to be better people for it and make sure their children always feel loved and that they are doing all they can to provide for them. It was never easy telling them why their father didn't turn up when they were waiting with a packed bag at the door... but I always loved them and did the best I could to make them feel safe and secure but I gave up long ago worrying about what their father was doing an if he was going to turn up or not .. and if the kids wanted to see him when he rang I would let them go but I wouldn't go out of my way to encourage him to be a father, its a blessing and gift and if he did not want that responsibility its totally his loss. When he wants to see the kids now there are times they cannot even be bothered taking the call but thats the relationship he created with them ... I remarried when my daughter was 7 and had two more kids who are 3 and 5 ... my husband loves my eldest children like they are his own ... I think that is more important, to worry about your immediate family ... if later on Oli wants to pursue the truth about his father that will be his journey. You just need to be there to support him.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms