My boyfriend's kids & ex wife are ruining our relationship

Michelle - posted on 09/08/2012 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I have a 10 yr old daughter & my boyfriend has an 18 yr old daughter & 16 yr old son.  We have been together for 5 yrs & due to living 45 minutes apart, we only see each other on the weekends & talk on the phone everynight before we go to bed.  His kids & ex-wife are ruining our relationship.

He has been divorced for almost 14 yrs & is a full time father & mother to his kids.  His ex had cheated on him during their entire marriage including sleeping with his best friend during a BBQ at their house.  He found out about her marital affairs because she used their credit cards to pay for the rooms.  His kids primarily live with him only seeing her every other weekend & 2 days during the week after school for a couple of hours.  She has very little interest in her kids unless it benefits her.  Usually when she's trying to impress a guy.  So he makes up for it by spoiling them & they get everything that they want.  He states it's to make up for how their mother is to them.  His daughter stopped going over there a year after we started dating (which I never minded).  She will only hang out with her mother when his ex's is buying her something.  His son will only go there if he is not hanging out with his friends, but when he does go its only to go across the street & stays at his brother's house (her son from previous marriage).  Their mother is always buying his son things & really doesn't do that for his daughter.  My boyfriend & his ex hardly ever spoke & when they did it was always a fight.  She had started dating someone a couple of months before I met my boyfriend.

Everything was going great for the 1st 3 yrs. of our relationship.  We would have our 'kids' free weekend & when we had our kids we were always doing things as a family until his kids started getting older.  I would suggest doing something & he would state that his kids are older & would rather hangout with their friends instead so we would just do things with my daughter.  After sometime, I would start asking his kids to do things with us.  His son always wanted to hangout with his friends & his daughter would sometimes go out with us.  His daughter started becoming very mean to my daughter & here she admitted that she was jealous of the attention that my daughter was receiving from him.

Even though his daughter stopped going over to her mothers, she would be out with her friends.  We would then take a night to go out & hangout with our friends.  On the way home, if we would fight I would tell him to end it when we were pulling up to the house because his daughter would be home & she didn't need to be apart of it.  Unfortunatley, he would continue & made her apart of it by telling her about our arguments which put a strike against me.  She started becoming rude & ignorant to me.  I was only good enough when my wallet was being opened up for her. I have always had a good relationship with his son. 

2 years ago, his ex-wife's boyfriend moved to Kentucky due to his job.  After he moved, she wanted to be buddies with my boyfriend & starting problems.  She plays her game by starting to take an interest in her kids especially her daughter & he falls for it thinking that she is finally going to be a mother -- which never happens.  About 6 months after her boyfriend left, she announced she was moving to Kentucky.  She had called their son on the phone & stated 'Your father has a life, you kids have a life & I don't.  Since my life moved to Kentucky, I am moving there'.  His son was devastated & his daughter hated her even more.  Before she moved, that guy ended it with her & that is when things started going downhill.  She would say things to cause my boyfriend & I to fight.  One thing my boyfriend always states is that she plays her games.  I know she doesn't want him, but she also doesn't want him to move forward in his life.

His daughter graduated on my 40th birthday.  The graduation party was being thrown at his/our house.  His ex-wife played her game that night pretending to be the best mother & acted as though it was her home.  Flirting with him & hanging all over his friends.  She was even planning to leave the party with his best friend that she had slept with during their marriage. After everyone had left the party, except for her, his best friend & another friend. I got sucked into her game she started a fight with me & things were said.  We were in an altercation.  I ended up walking out on him the next day & cleared my things out of his house.

After a couple of weeks went by, we decided to work things out.  I explained to him that I want to take it slow & work on things.  He throws it in my face how I should have never packed up my things.  Now his ex keeps saying things to his kids to have them hate me.  I love my boyfriend & his kids & honestly just don't know what to do to get things back on track with his kids. He had a previous relationship with a woman if 4 yrs that walked out on him because of them.

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Karen - posted on 10/15/2012

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I think you need to prioritize what is happening here. There are only two people breaking this relationship. You and him. You need to make each other your number one priorty after GOD who should always come first. There is an excellent series by Jimmy Evans called Love on the Rock. You should invest in the dvd's and watch them with your boyfriend. Best of luck.

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I learned the hard way... Do NOT date a man with a daughter and especially one that is still living at home with his ex wife. It will make your life a living hell. GET OUT! The daughter will never accept u even if she likes u and kind of wants to accept u. She will make your life miserable and report every step u take to his ex and every single time u make a mistake she will document it and the ex wife will glorify in it...he still belongs to his ex wife....GET OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!

Deborah - posted on 03/17/2014

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Since (dradodojattotemple@yahoo.com) cast a love spell for me, things are going great in my marriage life. my husband who was cheating on me almost every week is now a loyal and dedicated man. I’m glad he came back to me after the break up with him because I love him from the bottom of my heart, but without Dr Adodo help, all of this couldn't happen or even be possible. It is the first time I am using the service of a spell caster and even if I was a bit skeptical at first, I highly recommend his service to people like me who need an extra help.thank you (dradodojattotemple@yahoo.com)

Michelle - posted on 12/04/2012

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Mae



I'm very sorry to hear what is happening to you & can relate to the pain & heartache it is causing you. Things have gotten so much better in my relationship since I posted in September. At first my boyfriend kept calling & telling me how he wants to work things out, but then his ex wife kept playing her games. Back in the summer he even told me he was confused because feelings were stirring for her & he didn't know if it was because we were having problems or if he had feelings for her. While all that was going on, I continued to take his calls & hangout. I made sure I looked great but I was not allowing him to think I was his booty call. I finally stood up for myself & flipped on him. I told him that if he wanted her back to go & wished him the best. I told him that it wouldn't be my loss if he did, but that it would be his because I loved him for him not his wallet. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but I did it. I ignored his calls & texts during the summer. I was on vacation in August & we banged into each other. We had a long talk & he begged me to give him another chance. I told him that if he wanted me then the contact with her had to end. He told me that he realized where his heart was & that he is in love with me. We took things slow in September & only saw him on the weekends I didn't have my daughter. His ex started playing games & instead of him falling for it he told her that he wants nothing to do with her & that I'm the one that he wants in his life. He told his kids that he loves them & does everything a father/mother does for them & that they need to except me in their lives. We are working thing out & things have been getting better with time. His daughter threatened to move out & he said to her do what you have to do. I'm tire of your games & everything I do for you, I ask for one thing in return & that's to work on building a relationship with me. We even went to a family wedding, which I didn't want to go to, where his ex was invited. His kids & I had a blast. They didn't acknowledge each other & ended up leaving early.

Hang in there & don't let him do this to you. It's easier said then done. I'm glad I did it because we are finally in a better place in our relationship. He said he realized that she plays her games & that he allowed her to try & ruin our relationship.

Mae - posted on 12/04/2012

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Hi, I know exactly where ur coming from. My boyfriend and I have also been together 5 yrs and he has an ex wife from 15 yrs ago that he has two teenage daughters with. Since their divorce she remarried and had a daughter, but after about 7 yrs of marriage with the new one they seperated 5 mos ago. My bf has always catered to her every beck and call-even while she was married to another man. He says he does so for the kids but half of what she asks for has nothim at all to do with them. She would be nice to my face in the beginning of our relationship but I would only come to find out that she was actually talking badly to him, their children and even his parents. The kids liked me at first but were eventually poisoned against me, im assuming her motive for this was to cause tension between he and I. Seems as though she couldn't deal with the fact that he had moved on even know she was re married and had a new child! She was probably more than happy with the way things were before because she was using him as her whipping boy and paycheck, and I think thought that he would never get over her therefore having complete control over everything, regardless of what's best for him. So I began noticing

more and more contact and had numerous conversations with my bf on where he stood with th

se way he felt about her. He told me in detail about how their relationship was, why it didnt work

and etc. he never bad mouthed her or acted jealous of her new husband but I still had a strange

feeling deep down due to all the nice errands and favors he would do for her, and just how they

talked so jovial made me wonder. Well to try and wrap things up, the very month her new husband moved out of their house my boyfriend began dating her again! supposedly he told me

about the feelings they were having before anything physical happened-in his mind that mkes ot

ok I guess..so for awhile there he was telling me he was confused and still wanted to see me. I stupidly did continue seeing him under the pretense that he needed to try and give it one more shot but that he realized she was not what he wanted. Months went by with him telling me one thing and then doing the opposite, he was hot and cold, end things with me and then a week later want me back? Idk if he did this just to keep control over me and prevent me from finding someone else, to continue having sex with me or was legitimately confused. I started finding text

messages, her belongings at his house, even her childs clothes from the 2nd husband (to whom she is still actually married to! When she found out about him still seeing me she would talk bad

about him to their kids to turn them against him knowing that he would do anything to keep his relationship good with them-therefore keeping us apart. I guess if she cant be happy than neither can he or their kids!..she is upset with me even tho I had just been with him for the last 5 yrs and she was married to someone else but because she was his first wife I guess that makes it okay to come into our relationship?! I know shes not the only one to blame but I do love him and have always thought she was an opportunist using b***h..it breaks my heart and I feel constantly sick to my stomach..i dont understand why he would rather be with a woman thay treats him badly, doesnt enjoy having sex, put their kids and her kid with another man thru the pain of it not working out again, as well as a major conflict in lifestyles that originally led to their split?...i just cannot understand what even made him decide to give it another try andthrow away the 5yrs we spent together

Sandra - posted on 09/27/2012

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I guess what I don't understand is why you are bothering. He has made it clear over and over again that he will cave in (hello: RED FLAG) and even when they are grown his kids will be an issue. They will have relationshipships/weddings/kids/move back home. Not to mention, where is your TEN year old during all of this? Is this the 'healthy' adult relationship you want her to see and use as an example while she grows up?

It is not easy to be alone, but I chose to do so for many many years just to make sure the one parent my daughter had as an example was an emotionally stable one, 'cause if you think you are hiding it from her you aren't giving her much credit.

You can't make him change and all the talk about setting boundaries and telling his kids that they will accept you is pointless. (really? Don't they have minds of their own-he can't make them accept you any more than you can make him man up).

You already know the answer. You just don't like it so you keep asking it and trying to analyze your way to a different answer. He has made his choice. Them.

That doesnt mean he doesn't love you, it just means he will always cave to them. It's not healthy for you or your daughter. You just have to make a decision with the answer you know.

Michelle - posted on 09/25/2012

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My boyfriend told me that he wants to work things out. He informed me that he is going to have a talk with his kids to tell them how he feels about me & that he wants them to be accepting because he wants us to be together. He hasnt had the talk yet because his daugter is away at school. On Saturday he informed me that his 1st cousins kid is getting married & that we are going to the wedding. He talked about the bridle shower & how his ex wife wanted to know if he was going up to get his daughter so she could go which he said no. I'm not invited because nobody seems to know that he wants to work things out with me. I asked him how his ex wife knows about the shower & he informed me that she's invited to the shower as well. I said that I'm not going to this wedding & that I can't believe that he would put me in the same situation with what happened at his daughters graduation party where he ignored me because he was too busy entertaining which I understand but to watch his ex flirt with him all night. Am I wrong for telling him that??? I don't understand why he would do that if he wants to work things out with me.....

Jen - posted on 09/09/2012

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Once his kids are grown (which isn't far off at this point), hopefully your ex won't have to deal with his ex-wife much anymore. But the children are always going to be a part of his life. You can't control how he behaves towards them, but you can discuss it with him. Point out that the kids are almost grown and he deserves happiness too, and that he should talk to his kids and explain to them that he wants a relationship with you, but he doesn't want it to put a wedge between them. If he keeps giving in to their demands, I would reconsider your relationship. As I already said, his kids will be in his life forever, and if he's going to let them dictate your life and your relationship, then they will continue to do that even when they become adults (we'd like you to come for dad, but we don't want your girlfriend). You deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship, and if he's not capable of that then you may need to move on.

Vicki - posted on 09/09/2012

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All you can do is try Michelle he has to meet you half way. If he cares at all about his realtionship with you he will meet you in the middle. Set boundaries for yourself dont put out more than you should if he is not letting you come down because of his kids then dont, but just know you deserve happiness and deserve to have a man who wants to share with you! If being alone is what he is wanting for himself then eventually he will have it

Michelle - posted on 09/09/2012

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Thanks Vicki for your advice

I have tried explaining that we need to set boundaries & that we need to concentrate on our relationship, because in the past we would discuss this on a Friday & then it wouldn't get discussed again & it doesn't change. Don't know if he think that by ignoring it that it will change or that he expects me to be the one to fix the problems with his kids. His kids are now stating that if I come down they are going to their mothers for the weekend & he doesn't want that to happen. He's allowing his kids to dictate his life & it seems that they want him alone so they have all his attention.

Vicki - posted on 09/09/2012

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Im sorry your having a hard time Michelle. Sounds like the kids and the ex wife arent really the problem at all! Maybe you and your boyfriend should forget about the ex wife and the kids and concentrate on the relationship? You both are allowing the kids and the ex to come inbetween! You both need to create some boundaries for yourselves and as a couple.

Wish you luck!

Vicki

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