My boyfriend's kids & ex wife are ruining our relationship

Michelle - posted on 12/04/2012

Mae



I'm very sorry to hear what is happening to you & can relate to the pain & heartache it is causing you. Things have gotten so much better in my relationship since I posted in September. At first my boyfriend kept calling & telling me how he wants to work things out, but then his ex wife kept playing her games. Back in the summer he even told me he was confused because feelings were stirring for her & he didn't know if it was because we were having problems or if he had feelings for her. While all that was going on, I continued to take his calls & hangout. I made sure I looked great but I was not allowing him to think I was his booty call. I finally stood up for myself & flipped on him. I told him that if he wanted her back to go & wished him the best. I told him that it wouldn't be my loss if he did, but that it would be his because I loved him for him not his wallet. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but I did it. I ignored his calls & texts during the summer. I was on vacation in August & we banged into each other. We had a long talk & he begged me to give him another chance. I told him that if he wanted me then the contact with her had to end. He told me that he realized where his heart was & that he is in love with me. We took things slow in September & only saw him on the weekends I didn't have my daughter. His ex started playing games & instead of him falling for it he told her that he wants nothing to do with her & that I'm the one that he wants in his life. He told his kids that he loves them & does everything a father/mother does for them & that they need to except me in their lives. We are working thing out & things have been getting better with time. His daughter threatened to move out & he said to her do what you have to do. I'm tire of your games & everything I do for you, I ask for one thing in return & that's to work on building a relationship with me. We even went to a family wedding, which I didn't want to go to, where his ex was invited. His kids & I had a blast. They didn't acknowledge each other & ended up leaving early.

Hang in there & don't let him do this to you. It's easier said then done. I'm glad I did it because we are finally in a better place in our relationship. He said he realized that she plays her games & that he allowed her to try & ruin our relationship.

Mae - posted on 12/04/2012

Hi, I know exactly where ur coming from. My boyfriend and I have also been together 5 yrs and he has an ex wife from 15 yrs ago that he has two teenage daughters with. Since their divorce she remarried and had a daughter, but after about 7 yrs of marriage with the new one they seperated 5 mos ago. My bf has always catered to her every beck and call-even while she was married to another man. He says he does so for the kids but half of what she asks for has nothim at all to do with them. She would be nice to my face in the beginning of our relationship but I would only come to find out that she was actually talking badly to him, their children and even his parents. The kids liked me at first but were eventually poisoned against me, im assuming her motive for this was to cause tension between he and I. Seems as though she couldn't deal with the fact that he had moved on even know she was re married and had a new child! She was probably more than happy with the way things were before because she was using him as her whipping boy and paycheck, and I think thought that he would never get over her therefore having complete control over everything, regardless of what's best for him. So I began noticing

more and more contact and had numerous conversations with my bf on where he stood with th

se way he felt about her. He told me in detail about how their relationship was, why it didnt work

and etc. he never bad mouthed her or acted jealous of her new husband but I still had a strange

feeling deep down due to all the nice errands and favors he would do for her, and just how they

talked so jovial made me wonder. Well to try and wrap things up, the very month her new husband moved out of their house my boyfriend began dating her again! supposedly he told me

about the feelings they were having before anything physical happened-in his mind that mkes ot

ok I guess..so for awhile there he was telling me he was confused and still wanted to see me. I stupidly did continue seeing him under the pretense that he needed to try and give it one more shot but that he realized she was not what he wanted. Months went by with him telling me one thing and then doing the opposite, he was hot and cold, end things with me and then a week later want me back? Idk if he did this just to keep control over me and prevent me from finding someone else, to continue having sex with me or was legitimately confused. I started finding text

messages, her belongings at his house, even her childs clothes from the 2nd husband (to whom she is still actually married to! When she found out about him still seeing me she would talk bad

about him to their kids to turn them against him knowing that he would do anything to keep his relationship good with them-therefore keeping us apart. I guess if she cant be happy than neither can he or their kids!..she is upset with me even tho I had just been with him for the last 5 yrs and she was married to someone else but because she was his first wife I guess that makes it okay to come into our relationship?! I know shes not the only one to blame but I do love him and have always thought she was an opportunist using b***h..it breaks my heart and I feel constantly sick to my stomach..i dont understand why he would rather be with a woman thay treats him badly, doesnt enjoy having sex, put their kids and her kid with another man thru the pain of it not working out again, as well as a major conflict in lifestyles that originally led to their split?...i just cannot understand what even made him decide to give it another try andthrow away the 5yrs we spent together

Karen - posted on 10/15/2012

I think you need to prioritize what is happening here. There are only two people breaking this relationship. You and him. You need to make each other your number one priorty after GOD who should always come first. There is an excellent series by Jimmy Evans called Love on the Rock. You should invest in the dvd's and watch them with your boyfriend. Best of luck.

Sandra - posted on 09/27/2012

I guess what I don't understand is why you are bothering. He has made it clear over and over again that he will cave in (hello: RED FLAG) and even when they are grown his kids will be an issue. They will have relationshipships/weddings/kids/move back home. Not to mention, where is your TEN year old during all of this? Is this the 'healthy' adult relationship you want her to see and use as an example while she grows up?

It is not easy to be alone, but I chose to do so for many many years just to make sure the one parent my daughter had as an example was an emotionally stable one, 'cause if you think you are hiding it from her you aren't giving her much credit.

You can't make him change and all the talk about setting boundaries and telling his kids that they will accept you is pointless. (really? Don't they have minds of their own-he can't make them accept you any more than you can make him man up).

You already know the answer. You just don't like it so you keep asking it and trying to analyze your way to a different answer. He has made his choice. Them.

That doesnt mean he doesn't love you, it just means he will always cave to them. It's not healthy for you or your daughter. You just have to make a decision with the answer you know.

Michelle - posted on 09/25/2012

My boyfriend told me that he wants to work things out. He informed me that he is going to have a talk with his kids to tell them how he feels about me & that he wants them to be accepting because he wants us to be together. He hasnt had the talk yet because his daugter is away at school. On Saturday he informed me that his 1st cousins kid is getting married & that we are going to the wedding. He talked about the bridle shower & how his ex wife wanted to know if he was going up to get his daughter so she could go which he said no. I'm not invited because nobody seems to know that he wants to work things out with me. I asked him how his ex wife knows about the shower & he informed me that she's invited to the shower as well. I said that I'm not going to this wedding & that I can't believe that he would put me in the same situation with what happened at his daughters graduation party where he ignored me because he was too busy entertaining which I understand but to watch his ex flirt with him all night. Am I wrong for telling him that??? I don't understand why he would do that if he wants to work things out with me.....

Jen - posted on 09/09/2012

Once his kids are grown (which isn't far off at this point), hopefully your ex won't have to deal with his ex-wife much anymore. But the children are always going to be a part of his life. You can't control how he behaves towards them, but you can discuss it with him. Point out that the kids are almost grown and he deserves happiness too, and that he should talk to his kids and explain to them that he wants a relationship with you, but he doesn't want it to put a wedge between them. If he keeps giving in to their demands, I would reconsider your relationship. As I already said, his kids will be in his life forever, and if he's going to let them dictate your life and your relationship, then they will continue to do that even when they become adults (we'd like you to come for dad, but we don't want your girlfriend). You deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship, and if he's not capable of that then you may need to move on.

Michelle - posted on 09/09/2012

Thank you

Vicki - posted on 09/09/2012

All you can do is try Michelle he has to meet you half way. If he cares at all about his realtionship with you he will meet you in the middle. Set boundaries for yourself dont put out more than you should if he is not letting you come down because of his kids then dont, but just know you deserve happiness and deserve to have a man who wants to share with you! If being alone is what he is wanting for himself then eventually he will have it

Michelle - posted on 09/09/2012

Thanks Vicki for your advice

I have tried explaining that we need to set boundaries & that we need to concentrate on our relationship, because in the past we would discuss this on a Friday & then it wouldn't get discussed again & it doesn't change. Don't know if he think that by ignoring it that it will change or that he expects me to be the one to fix the problems with his kids. His kids are now stating that if I come down they are going to their mothers for the weekend & he doesn't want that to happen. He's allowing his kids to dictate his life & it seems that they want him alone so they have all his attention.

Vicki - posted on 09/09/2012

Im sorry your having a hard time Michelle. Sounds like the kids and the ex wife arent really the problem at all! Maybe you and your boyfriend should forget about the ex wife and the kids and concentrate on the relationship? You both are allowing the kids and the ex to come inbetween! You both need to create some boundaries for yourselves and as a couple.

Wish you luck!

Vicki