My daughter is 10 years old and driving me crazy!

Sandra - posted on 01/19/2011 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My daughter is ALWAYS negative and sees the worst in every situation. She is always complaining about something and never appreciative for what she is given or has - always wants more and more. She dresses like a bum and prefers to wear her hair in her face. I am at my wits end how to deal with her. her brother and I are very upbeat and positive and we care how we dress and look. Have I done something wrong? How can I help her to be more proud of herself and appearance?

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Laura - posted on 01/21/2011

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It sounds like your daughter is trying to establish her own identity from you and her brother. Often the easiest way is to do the opposite of others in the family. So her
dressing sloppily is not neccessarily a bad thing or uncommon. She may simply be defining herself as a person.

With that said, however, you do NOT need to tolerate rude or disrespectful behavior! You need to pick and choose your battles with her carefully: I suggest not worrying about appearance/clothes for now, no one is hurt by her being a slob. Instead, focus on her behavior. State very clearly that disrepectful or rude behavior will NOT be tolerated and that there will be consequnces (punishment) for such behavior. She needs to keep her negative comments to herself, you do not want to her them. She is expected to use good manners with others at all times. If these expectations are not followed, she receives the afore-mentioned consequnces. The consequnces should fit the behavior as much as possible and can include things like losing priveleges, losing items (cell phone, perhaps?) or having to do extra chores. Likewise, you can establish a rewards system for displaying positive behavior. You create a chart to track her positive actions and behavior over a period of time, say a week, for example, with a reward at the end. The reward doesn't have to be big or expensive, but it does noeed to be something that she likes/wants. With all of that in place then all you need to do is be consistent! Hope this helps and good luck!

Jane - posted on 02/01/2011

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As long as the school doesn't object to her clothing and hairstyle, I would say let it go. However, do insist she treat others politely and say thank you. Set up rewards and consequences and stick to them. She is indeed expressing her individuality and as she grows she will continue to invent herself as separate from you. However, eventually she will end up a lot like you, in about 15 years or so.

Hang tight, and don't be afraid to opt for counseling for everyone in the family if you feel you need help in learning how to cope with her behavior.

Angela D - posted on 03/19/2012

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I need help figuring out my 10 year old daughter-she is like a different person depending on the time of day! If she gets hungry-oh no, she will be 100X worse!! I can see her body changing so I know that her hormones play a part in her behavior! She has always been a nervous child, but it seems to be getting worse! She also has some OCD tendencies. I am looking for a great therapist because so far we just haven't had the best fit. We have also tried 3 different psychiatrists and 2 different meds, but it was all unsuccessful. I am new to this site, so I am praying that I can find some help/support with what to do next for my amazing daughter!

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Cynethia - posted on 03/14/2012

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Ok, I get that it's a stage ok, but what do I do now? anything and everything she does is met with anxiety and "I'm nervous I'm going to do bad" part of me thinks maybe it's her way of "staying humble" cause I KNOW she KNOWS she'll ace it.



I just don't know if i should ignore it or give her pointers or what? I've really been feeling like I'm always wrong with my responses. If I'm stern I look back and say I should have been nicer if I'm nicer I feel like I'm being passive agressive. I'm starting to think I'm going crazy.. I feel like I'm wrong more often than right when I parent her and I don't know how to remedy it.

KELLIKAYZ - posted on 01/31/2011

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you could try by taking her to volunteer somewhere where people are less fortunate. as far as her appearance, i think that comes with age and the more we harp, the more resistant they are...even if they would want to wear something nice and do their hair they won't just to spite us when we are still harping.....good luck, and choose your battles wisely......it will all work out

Linda - posted on 01/28/2011

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LOL! Sounds just like my daughter... including the hair in the face, which when she plays soccer, basketball or whatever other sports is nuts. You'd think she'd want to be able to see, but uh NO, she swears she can see. Oh and to make matters worse, she's a tomboy & would rather wear boys clothes. I finally caved when she was stealing her brother's shirts out of his drawers. Yes, I see it about finding her identity. And I think its better to let them discover that, within reason of course!

Jennifer - posted on 01/25/2011

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some of it sounds very typical while aggravating for her age..my daughter did the same things..now with her just turning 13 im making her tone down clothing...on another note my daughter has a clinical diagnosis of mood disorder with depression..it is a fine line and hard to know when the tip from "im a preteen" to "im in trouble" with my daughter dangerous self injury began so outside help was not only needed but gladly accepted and she is now an "angry typical teen" THANK GOD...rofl...jenn

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2011

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WOW! except for the dressing part sounds like you have my daughter!!! LOL I will say a lot of this is very normal for this age from what all my friends are dealing with with their kids of same age. BUT, i am dealing with so much more with my daughter emotionally, Disrespectfully, Not being greatful and always wanting more when she has two rooms full of crap or even right after getting something, She won't do anything asked without arguing etc... I had to talk to her doctor about it and he asked a few questions to where we figured out she is having some major anxiety issues and needs outside help. We just started counceling which she wasn't thrilled about but if we didn't i think you WOULDA ended up with my kid haha. Joking! But really i needed help bad. I didn't know how to deal with her anymore without us both freaking out. I also had to look at how i was reacting and how i am "letting" her bring me to a boil and just giving up and letting her do what she wants for sake of peace. I can't let her do that for sake of my own inner peace as a mom. Not saying yours needs outside help but if you can't seem to talk with her and see if she is having problems outside the normal 10 yr old crazyness then it might be an option you might want to consider. Good luck, i know im trying all i can to keep a good relationship with her and keep my own sanity :)

Sarah - posted on 01/22/2011

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until you said "she likes to wear her hair in her face" i thought you copied and pasted my post from last yr! LOL my daughter is now 11 and in middle school, she has changed the majority of this type of behavior. she is taking more pride in her appearence and dressing better, although she still only ever wears a pony tail. she isnt so negative all the time, we can actually have a good time together. although she is now a "preteen" so her sassy attitude is starting to get on my nerves....i have a feeling its a phase because at the time i wrote my post last yr i had several ladies answer the same way i am answering you. she'll grow out of it, just try not to push too hard, you dont want to inadvertently(sp) re-enforce a negative behavior

GOOD LUCK!!

[deleted account]

You have to choose your battles and I am not sure I would fight the clothes and hair one. As long as her clothes are age appropriate what does it really matter? I agree with Laura that she is probably just trying to establish herself and her individuality. Really the only thing that I think I would add to the things that Laura already said is something I have to remind my husband of often and that is using words like never and always is hard. Be as upbeat with her, even when she is not, as you possibly can.

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