My husband has told me I have to choose between him and my kids.

[deleted account] ( 21 moms have responded )

My husband has told me I have to choose between him and my kids. They are not his biologically, though we do have a 1 year old. I have a 12 y.o. boy and a 16 yr old girl. My son has almost gotten me arrested for domestic violence because I punished/whooped my daughter for getting bad grades and suspended from school. He ran out of the house 2 days after I took away his tv for the same. Told someone he didn't want to get a beaten like his sister, and it snowballed from there. My husband said to put him on a plane to his father, but he knows the poor conditions he lives in and we haven't heard from him in 5 yrs. Then I said maybe he needs to be tested for attention disorder, and he said if he stays and gets in trouble again the marriage is over. I asked him is he asking me to choose between my kids and him and he said yes. He's not losing his career over my kids. He already did that once, was his answer. But I recall, he chose to get physical with someone of higher ranking when they disrespected his wife. The wife that he didn't like and was divorcing. Not his kids, not my kids. We've been married for 3 years, but I know I would never pick a man, any man, over my children. I was in that situation, and if he hates my kid, then he hates me.

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Elizabeth - posted on 05/14/2012

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Please seek a family counselor. Sometimes parents think they just need to be harder on their kids when what the child is really trying to tell you is that you need to change your approach. Also, if your husband won't work with you on the problems, he shouldn't be in the home.

Litchfield - posted on 05/07/2012

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1. Having a one year old in the house is a huge transition for everyone, don't forget that. Many behaviors occur when transitions happen.
2. Twelve year old boys are learning how to relate, and the physical is how they see relationships. Boys/Men relate differently than us emotional driven women do. See it from his perspective and TALK to him openly like the young person he is.
3. Your daughter is 16. In less than two years she is going to be an adult. Ask yourself if your actions are truly modeling the adult you want her to be. Are you preparing her for adulthood by instilling this method of punishment?
4. Sounds like there are more issues than the kids behaviors affect on your husband's attitude. If it were me I would seek some family counseling. Sometimes having a professional mediator to direct the conversations makes all the difference in the world.

It is my opinion that the problem are a result of someone not saying what they really mean.

[deleted account]

Then tell him is your kids. So does he want you to help him pack? Dare someone make me choose my child. Your sass out the door that instant.

Eron - posted on 05/05/2012

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The kids come first everytime! Try to remeber being a teen, we all did silly things, wrong things - and we learned from our mistakes, grew up, looked back and laughed at how daft we were. Why punish your daughter for bad grades? what if that was the best grade she could manage? isnt failing punishment enough? As for what he says about his career, how does he think he's going to lose it because of the kids? he should also remember his career wont give a rats a** about him when he's old and past it, his family will.....unless he burns that bridge for his career. x

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Bree - posted on 07/04/2014

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After I read this I was saddened. I know from experience how hard it is, as I actually am going through the same situation except my kids are much older and, I feel my husband of 15 years of marriage is tired of mama's boys. You would think that things should get better and not worse - but life isn't easy. What troubles me is, why would a man assume you as a mother can part from your kids. Yes, kids grow up and go their own way and yes we do stay alone, but they will always be a part of you. I dont think men understand how it affects our lives and the lives of our children. Say you send your kid off, your kid may recent you, then what? Do they think we are not going to be saddened by this?

Men always have a need to be in control and I think that is what is happening.
He may just have anger issues or lack of stability in his own self and seeks change. He is forgetting he was once a child too and made his own drama. There is no way you can point out the bad in a man, they feel its a threat and that's why i feel your pain.

I will pray for you and your family.

Leanne - posted on 03/04/2014

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Sarah, that's my problem. My teenage (16) daughter is provoking problems and making it very easy for my husband (her step dad) to want to leave. Our 10 year old daughter is not the little girl she could be because she is constantly bullied by her sister. My husband doesn't want to live under the same roof as my daughter anymore but I will not kick her out (at any age!).

Teresa - posted on 08/22/2012

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Thank you for posting this. My husband has 4 kids from his marriage and they are older. He treats them as if they are younger kids but all but one is over the age of 18. I understand he feels guilty but he chose over 5 years ago to try and have a split family and I was told I was not allowed to be a part of their lives. My oldest was hurt the most because she thought she would finally get the brother and sisters she wanted. Never happened and glad to see that others are going through the same thing I am. I was told this week to chose my daughter or find a new place to live. I chose my kids and now face trying to figure out what and where I need to go. It's really hard to feel as if you don't mean crap to them or him at times. Thank you for the postings and know that there are many others like you out there and we too chose our kids over a MAN any day!

Jen - posted on 06/10/2012

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You didn't ask, but I have to say that even as a pro-spanking mom, I think spanking a 16 year old is probably not the most effective way to deal with her, and is probably causing you problems with both of your older children. They are old enough to understand and be reasoned with, and you should treat them as such.

That said, I would try to seek family counseling. I'd never choose my husband over my kids, and it sounds like you won't either. But unfortunately you and your husband have created ANOTHER child, and that child needs his/her father in his life if possible. I'm sure you realize this, but remarriage is hard on kids, and having a new baby in the house who is a "full" when they are "steps" to your husband makes it even harder. This may be part of the reason your teens are acting out. I would try to sit and talk rationally with everyone but the 1 year old, both with and without a counsellor, and see if you can all work things out.

Jackie - posted on 06/08/2012

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Nobody should ever have to make that choice, no matter what is going on with your kids. Your kids are a part of you, they need you. A husband should stand by your side and try to figure out the problem and work through it together. If he is asking you to make that choice, my choice would be to move on with my kids without him. There would be no question... good luck!

Angie - posted on 06/07/2012

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to me there is no choice...my kids will always come before anyone and everyone, including my job & sometimes even myself. And that must have been very hurtful to hear his callous comment to just send him away. Marriage is hard and a lot of work, especially with a blended family, and I think for you to keep yours working, you need to get into some type of family therapy; otherwise, I fear you are doomed...best wishes to you :)

Ladyallwayzz - posted on 05/19/2012

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wow, how very sorry I am that you are going through this. this is hard stuff, not at all easy answers. I agree, with someone else who suggested you see family couseling if possible, though my guess willbe yoour husband wont go. at least seek it for yourself and your kids, get some real communications going on. tis will help you, if God forbid, one of yur kids brings charges up against you...you could lose your family(includng youe 1 year old)while the system decides what to do. this will be even more horriffic for you AND yor kids(though they won;t see that now). unfortunaltey, your husband doesn't sound like he would defend you or evn be on yoour side,(he might even speak against you) so ...seek counseling asap. maybe you can ask the school, or a church pastor. I would not tell you to leave yoour husband, kids don't need another divorce(which they may be sensing is what's coming). if you love your husbadn, try and reason with him. maybe he just needs some of yur undivided atrentions as well, sometimes. its worth a try. of coousre, I would never choose a man over my child, but yoou need to find some balance. the fact that you hit your daughter for bad grades, and she's 16 is not a good parenting idea. I'm sure you love your kids, and yoou are overwhelmed. teenagers are hard on us. they are going through all srts of stuff themesleves, physically, emotionally and mentally. the world we live in now is not making it easiier for anyone. kids need boundaries, with love. they need to know you love them , but they also need to know consequences(a beating shouldn't be one of them). take away cell phones, computers, etc., but more than that. reward when they do something good. give them back trust little by little as they try. I really hope and pray things work out for you and your family. i know that the internet is great for us stay at home moms especially, but you really need to find a physicl moms group. seek oout churches in your area, many if not most have moms groups, and youth groups for your kids as well, they even have couples groups, where you can form friendships together if your husband is willing, if not, find a ladies group.

Vanessa - posted on 05/19/2012

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please choose your kids! he married you knowing you have kids so it sounds like he can't handle it anymore. and it doesn't sound like he would even consider couseling but you could always ask. and if he says no then tell him don't let the door hit you on the ars on the way out buddy!
i believe your older kids will then see the love you have for them because you chose them! and they'll come around. and i'm all for spanking but not for bad grades.

Doris - posted on 05/17/2012

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the fact that you are giving this a second of thought baffles me. Both you and your husband should have taken marriage councelling prior to saying your vows. Both of you should come to the understanding that a marriage is a contract signed by two people as God as a witness, and should both READ the ten commandments, #4 and #7 especially. Your children are a gift lent to yuo by God, and can be taken away from you at any time as well as your husband. Now that you have already taken those vows, both of you should realize that you are both commiteed to the decision that you made and both are responcible for the up bringing of ALL of your children. My husband and I had problems as do all married couples, but I came to realize how little those problems were in comparism to loosing him. Yes that's right, he passed away at the young age of 45 years old, leaving me to raise our 8 year old and 10 year old by myself. I have to admit, I was not a great parent to my first 2 children that are 10years older than these last two, but my husband made me understand where my weaknesses were and accepted my older children like his own. I too, was an abusive parent. it was my late husband that told me, that I should not take out my frustrations I had with our marriage out on my children, and that was what I was doing. I remember a conversation I had with him where he told me point bland that if I ever raised my hand to my children again he would leave me. At the time, he and I did not have children together. He had never had children, yet he was a better parent then I was to my own kids.
I remember a conversation that my brother and I had prior to his marriage, where he had told me that his wife to be would not accept his children from his past relationship into her home even if it was for just a short visit. I told my brother at the time, that is she couldn't and wouldn't accept his children, then she was not the woman that he should exchange vows with, because she would never be able to love him the way a wife should love her husband. As it so happened they were married and had children, and there marriage ended in divorce in less than ten years.
I am not an advicate of separation or divorce, and I also believe there are other ways to handle stress other than beating your children. I think that both you and your husband should get some councelling and then together try to help your children. Hopefully he will be willing to take that step with you. Life is short, life raising children is shorter. As I said earlier I lost my husband and I have a friend that lost her son when he was 22 years old. I see every day what that pain looks and feels like. She too was an abusive parent, and now guilt is all she has left to hold on to. Regret is had to live with, death is very perminant! Change what you can now, before it's too late.

Tonesa - posted on 05/15/2012

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well Im glad you are not even entertaining that thought of choosing him over your kids, and I completely agree with you if he doesnt like/love your kids he doesnt love you. you are a mommy first and foremost and he shouldve never even said that out his mouth

Robin Jane - posted on 05/15/2012

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You just answered your question. You are right. Sorry to say this but the husband is a jerk and not a very chivalrous man at all. Leave him, I believe he is the reason your kids may be mis-behaving.

Their behavior is quite normal for kids of their age groups.

He doesn`t have patience or understanding about kids behaviors. Do yourself and your kids a favor , get rid of the hubby and have a happy home again. Bring laughter into the home constantly. It will help immensely.

Escpecially if he isn`t interested in learning about childhood behaviors, along with how to handle such behaviors appropriately.

Gina - posted on 05/14/2012

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I'm sorry to say, but looks to me that you and husband aren't very understanding parents.

Spanking isn't a solution for bringnig bad grades o bad behavior. What happened with comunicating to your child and let him or her know that your are no only their MOTHER but their friend too. You need to give back that security feeling, that they ones had. You need to put your kids first before your husband. If you knew about his previous experience with another woman, you shouldn't put your kids in the middle, they shouldn't pay for your mistakes. They are too young to be the ones to fix your marriage, YOU ARE YOUR KIDS MOM THE SOLDIER that they need to PROTECT them. You life is all about them and not about you or your husband.

You need sometime for yourself to make a serious decision about your kids futures.

Please help them!!!!!!!! They are scare.!!!!!! They need their MOM!!!!!!!

God Bless and good luck!!!!!

Ebere - posted on 05/07/2012

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I am a pro spanking mom, but I don't think spanking your kid because of a bad grade is good parenting (just my opinion) besides the bad grades, is there any other problem they are creating for you and your husband? If there is, can we hear it? If there isn't, then your hubby is out of line for saying that and you have to tell him. You all need counselling

Louise - posted on 05/05/2012

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They need their mother to be their agreed. BUT WITHOUT HITTING THEM! I really do not feel hitting your child for bad grades is a good parenting act. What about trying to find her someone to tutor her. Not hitting her. I cant condone that.

If your son is truely lashing out and saying he does not want to be beaten like his sister then maybe your anger has affected your children more than you realise. My advice to you is to get some sort of family counceling to look at ways you can disciplin without lashing out. Your son is obviously reacting to what is going on inside the home. Start to heal this family by all going together and listening to what a councelor has to say. Your husband included. You all need work. I am not saying all this is your fault, as teenage kid can try the patience of a saint. As for your husband he is either 100% behind you, raising the kids together or he might as well leave.

Sarah - posted on 05/04/2012

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I agree. You should always put your children first. However once they are grown if they are purposely causing problems that's different. While they are still kids they need their mother to be there for them. Especially with no dad in their life.

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