My son's issues are taking a toll on my health

Adriana - posted on 03/14/2011 ( 1 mom has responded )

Hello,

I just joined this site because I don't know what to do anymore. As many of you, my 12 year old is driving me crazy.

He can be charming but he is usually trying to get his way and keeps disrespecting everyone. Here's some info:

His father and I split when he was 2. His father disappeared for years and it affected him a lot. For years the only male figure he had was my father. At some point I had a terrible depressive period (5 years aprox) where they (my daughter, 14 and him) basically raised by themselves. I feel terribly guilty about it and I am afraid I made him troubled. :(
Some years ago he started arguing at school with other kids and after a lot of therapy it turned out he was worried about the whereabouts of his father (who was a terrible junkie at that time). We passed that but things have gotten worse this school year...
I married my 3 year partner who is very close to my kids (my son particularly). He finally had a stable and healthy father figure (by now my son hates his father and refuses to visit him). Unfortunately my husband had to leave to his country (he is English, I am Mexican) 10 months ago and my son became dramatically annoying, rude, defiant. He started to have trouble at school, to bully his friends, talk back to the teachers, etc. He said he wanted to get expelled and he is about to... He has been suspended and I am highly stressed. It seems he can't stop saying very bad, vulgar words and he is in trouble for that all the time. I have made a test to see of he had a problem controlling his impulses and hyperactivity but all was more than normal.
I am fed up of him fighting with his friends he's been with since he was a baby. They stopped inviting him over and it makes me very sad. I have also stopped being friends with their mums and I miss them.
Since it seems he hates school the principal proposed he would study at home and just go to school to make his exams. I felt relieved but when I told him yesterday he went nuts! I was confused because all he has done is do his best to stop gong to school ( misses school once a week, avoids classes, etc). I have him one week of trial but I am afraid he will keep misbehaving. I feel terrible every time I get called to the principal's office.
I am afraid for my mental health as I can't manage stress very well. My therapist is great and keeps me sane but I am so tense and weak and I am terrified I will end up depressive once more. The fact that we are moving to another continent is too much already for me. I know it's very hard for him as well and he must be very down about leaving his life and friends. I just wish we'd speak to me or his therapist. He wont do it...

What can I do? I want to help him so much but I feel so miserable and feel I am failing. I have been down these days and don't have enough energy to focus on moving...
How can I make him understand we need to support each other and I am a bit fragile at this point? I have tried all. Taken his rights away, grounding him, talking to him calmly, buying him bracelets to remind him of his promises to stay well behaved. I keep offering my help and remind him I am there for him but he wont stop...

Please help me, I feel I am doing all wrong.

Sorry for the long text, Adriana.