Need advice on a distressing issue

Diane - posted on 07/22/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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My friend and I met when my boy and her girl were 2. Her 2nd girl was on the way. We since became great friends, vacation together, trips to their cottage, summers at my pool, Holiday dinners together...( I'm a single Mom with NO famliy in city). The kids play together OK but occasionly there are disagreements..3 together sometimes produces (Odd man out) Her oldest (11yr) is very bossy and mean to her sibling (9yr) Mine tries to defend the youngest (very social justice consious). The oldest then pulls " It's my house, cottage etc. and we will do what I want, then turns off the Wii, Xbox etc. or goes off on her own. It has been noted by the younger siblings friends how mean her sister can be.

Mine is no Angel...who's child is?

I have now been told...."Your son hates and despises my daughter. What kind of mom would I be if I allow her to be treated mean by a male?. There will be no more trips to our cottage and we won't be visiting your pool. We can still socialize but only when your son is at his father's"

These kids are 11 and 9!!!! My boyfriend tried talking to her saying how hurt I was....she understood, but her decision was final.

My son and I are a package!!!

I cannot accept her conditions and have ended the friendship.

Am I wrong here....should I have accepted the conditions to save the friendship?

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Deaunna - posted on 07/31/2012

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I too, am so sorry that you are going through this. I know how your heart aches. Losing a treasured friend is one of life's most painful experiences! Unfortunately, there seems to be nothing you can do but leave the door open, realizing that 'momma bears' make mistakes when protecting their cubs and forgive her when she 'comes around.'

There's another element going on here. Your friend is being a 'Helicopter Parent.' Instead of teaching her child 'how to deal with negative behavior in other people' she simply swoops in to 'save the day!' She misses a great opportunity to teach social skills to her child, and thereby boost her child's self-esteem! Now her daughter will go away with the message that she is not capable and therefore is in need of being 'saved.' This will lower her self-esteem and likely she will begin playing the 'victim' so she can be 'saved' by those around her.

Mothers- please beware of over-parenting! Studies show that 'helicopter parents' produce neurotic children. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37493795/ns/...

I hope this helps! (((hugs)))

Nelly - posted on 07/22/2012

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In my opinion there is no friendship your "friend" is very controlling and I don't understand how you are still thinking about this, it's a very easy decision to make a friendship should have no conditions

Libby - posted on 08/23/2012

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I would also suggest talking to the school counselor, principal and your kids teachers. Lay it all out for them so they are aware of the situation. You don't want her to start something at school and have them unaware of the situation. They will appreciate the heads up and you will feel less stressed about running into her at school. Good luck.

Deaunna - posted on 08/03/2012

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Diane! You poor thing! I'm with Lisa R on this one! Please be sure to document as much as you can- names- dates- details- even with witnesses! This sounds like it could turn into a "Lifetime" movie! Maybe she just snapped! Please protect yourself and most important- always remain calm! Don't let her push your buttons into doing something that is NOT in alignment with your core values. Create a mantra that you can repeat in your head over and over when she is bating you into a fight. Even as a life coach, I'm having a hard time thinking up one for you... but you have to believe it as truth and it has to be calming. I've heard it called, "Reaching for a better thought" So, what thought can you reach for when she is wreaking havoc on your heart and your family?

Prayers & (((hugs))) If you are religious, remember that the Lord will not give your more than you can handle. Also, HE gives us weaknesses that we may become strong. Hope this helps!

Lisa - posted on 08/01/2012

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My goddness, this woman sounds like a nut. Stay clear of her and her daughters...WOW.

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Diane - posted on 08/08/2012

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Thanks Deaunna and Tracy
Great advice! Yes I think the Lord gives us challenges to see how we handle them. My best bet is to steer clear of her. And Yes I AM a better person.......and HOW TRUE...Karma is real..
As you sow, so shall you reap!!! It's a l-o-n-g life and she has to face herself in the mirror each morning....And I personally like what I see in mine :)

Tracey - posted on 08/04/2012

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mantra "she is not worth it" or "I am a better person" or "karma is real"

[deleted account]

Sounds like she's the psycho. Vindictive people are dangerous. If you aren't going to put a restraining order on her, then make sure you steer clear of her. She hasn't put a restraining order on you, so I wouldn't worry too much about the contact at school. I would let the sis-in-law know what's going on and that you'd appreciate it if she would keep contact between you quiet. There's no reason you should have to guard every contact in your life because of this woman's childishness. She is telling you to stay away from everything she considers "hers." But people don't belong to anyone. Especially adults. If you have a relationship with any of her family members and they want to keep in touch, she needs to to get over it. If her family members know what she is threatening, then they will probably be sensitive to your decisions and keep things quiet. Good luck. I know people like that can make life very difficult. This woman and my ex-husband had something in common. lol But life will be better without that kind of stress.

Diane - posted on 07/30/2012

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Thanks so much ladies for all your encouraging advice.

Something happened the other day that solidified my decision....My "friend's" mother had a breast off 3 weeks ago...I called Nanny and left a message last Thursday, stating that I hope she was doing well and to take care. less than a minute later my "friend" called from Nanny's. Telling me not to call her mother, don't tallk to her girls, her husband and anyone in her family. (her sister-in-law is the one who has been informing me how Nanny is doing). (The girls were playing at the neighbours house directly behind my yard last week, and were yelling over and singing and laughing, then they came across the fence to play on the swing for awhile. When they left I gave them a big hug and told them I missed them.) So I suppose they told their Mom they were here.

She called me a f----ing phsycho stalking B--ch and a few other "choice" words. And if I talk to any member of her family she will call the city and tell them I have done renovations in my basement and put my pool and deck in without permits. And she will "personally witness" it.

I do volunteer work at the school and will at times run into her girls-Yikes!. And her sister-in-law only phones me to update me about the mom. ....I had to tell her to please not call me anymore, and she is furious with this woman and so is her husband (my friends brother)

I have researched this and it is called "Uttering Conditional Threats" and is a criminal offence. But I wont proceed with anything because now I don't know what this woman is capable of.

I'M STAYING CLEAR!!

[deleted account]

Absolutely agree with Nellie. It's apparent to me that the daughter thinks she is on the same level as Mommy, probably because she was told a lot how helpful she was in taking care of the baby (implying to her young mind that she was NOT a baby). Also, it sounds like Mommy is a bit controlling so it has rubbed off onto her oldest dtr. OK, so she doesn't want her daughter treated badly by a male. Fine. You also probably don't want your son to be treated badly by a female. An asinine statement from her, as she implies that she is looking out for her daughter more than you are for your son. And anyone who said they wanted to hang out with me without my kids but it was okay for their kids to be present... well, she sounds incredibly self-absorbed. Which tells me it's no surprise that her daughter is acting in her mom's footsteps.
You are better off without a "friend" like that in the long run. Surround yourself with people who are genuine and accepting of you and your son. You both deserve it.

Patricia - posted on 07/27/2012

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no you are not wrong stick to you your decision it is the right one i would do the exact same myself

Diane - posted on 07/24/2012

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Thanks for the reply Jakki:
I sent her a card saying that I missed her and could we talk things over etc etc..I put it in her mail box personally
NO reply........... :(

Jakki - posted on 07/24/2012

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Diane... I fell out with a very close friend who I had similarly shared a lot of time together when our kids were young... It was sooooo painful. I thought about it so much. In our case my friend suddenly stopped talking to me and refused to tell me why, so I agonised over it for a couple of years. So I feel your pain.

One thing I would suggest is maybe could you suggest a session between your son and her older daughter with a third party mediator. When I say mediator I mean just someone apart from you both who would be willing to get them to sit calmly in a room and talk over their disagreements and find solutions.

It might not be that hard to get them to see that they can still get on. These issues they have fought over are very ordinary typical disagreements. They're not exactly worth losing a friendship over them.

From what you said, I think your friend dealt with this conflict between the two kids very suddenly and in a "black and white" way. Surprising she didn't give more time to try to resolve the issue.

Would you consider asking her to meet with you and a mediator and you guys talk over your issues first before getting the kids to talk?

Diane - posted on 07/22/2012

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Thanks Nelly... It's just so sad...we pass each other at school as if we never knew each other. A friend said to me "It may be a blessing in disguise, as the kids turn older it might escalate to "he touched me inappropriatly Mom" when she does not get her way.

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