Need advice. Step brothers 11yrs old 2 months differance?

Lana - posted on 11/18/2012

I have 8 kids all together. 4 r step kids. I don't think of them in that way. Their Mother passed away in 2009. Around the same time 2 of my kids lost their Father. I try to make all of them happy but it's really hard. I love them all and I work full time 2nd shift so I don't get to see them much except on my 2 days off. Because they r at school all day and Im gone to work before they get home. Its hard for me because I'm not here a lot and they all think I'm a big joke. Their Father stays at home while I work. I don't have a problem with that at all. I know most people think I'm crazy but I know he isn't able to work. I love to work. I am one of them people that thinks if u want or need anything u have to work for it. One of our problems is their Father feels guilty about them losing their Mom. She drank herself to death. So he lets them do pretty much whatever they want to do. And he's harder on my kids. He don't see it but they all do! His daughter is 11 and she don't think she should get in trouble for anything. She starts things and who ever she starts it with they are the ones to get in trouble not her. My son that is 10 gets in trouble more than any of them because he's a little slow. And they don't know how to deal with him. Their Father forgets that 2 of my kids lost their Father too. He was helping a friend of ours because she was getting robbed and the robber shot him. Anyhow I feel all kids should be treated the same and sometimes they don't like it but I feel like I have every right to say something because I take care of all of them all by myself. I can't get help with anything because their Father says," I'm sorry I'm sick and my brain won't let me do it!" I want to be here for these kids forever and sometimes it's so hard! I honestly don't think there's anything I can do to make it easier cause we both have different out looks on how our kids should be treated. I don't think it's fare for them to have different rules before we got together and now they all have to follow the same rules. I hope one day they will understand. I say a lot of I understand and I'm sorry. I put myself last and I really think that's how it should be. Maybe I'm the crazy one. I don't know what else to do besides what I already do. When I try to talk to their Father about it, he says it isn't true and it cases a huge fight. :(

Jennifer - posted on 07/17/2012

Sounds like the dad should be put in your position. Give him the opportunity to work it out between the two boys and maybe he will be able to start to see it from your perspective. Either that or take the wind out of the boy's sails by approaching the dad first. Explain what happened so that the dad can see how biased and one-sided his son is being. But never mention it in those terms. Just let the dad observe the situation from different angles with you being as neutral and loving to both as possible.

Deidre - posted on 02/10/2012

I think it is very important that they both have there own stuff. You may not be able to afford having separate rooms, but they both need to be allowed to be individuals. I hope you are not making your son SHARE everything. That is unfair. If the boy is rude and disrespectful, that is a very sad case. He may be going through a lot more emotional things from the move and not being with his mom anymore. The dad does need to be more hands on though. He is both of their dad, right? That means they are actually BROTHERS. Real brothers. The dad needs to reaffirm this in a very special way. It is VITAL. If you are having a hard time connecting with the other boy ask yourself why? When I was married to my 2nd husband he had 2 other kids at the time from 2 different moms. I pushed for visitation. The boy was 10 living with his single mom and he was very receptive to me and my son. The daughter had been bounced around in foster care and it took a little while before she warmed up. But there was a point in our marriage when I took a real interest in the girl. I even purchased a book on how to handle children who have been abused or in foster care. At the end of the day, I had a new perspective. Our marriage was not stable and he was considering custody. I encouraged him to do it on his own without my being involved. I told him that if push came to shove and I felt my children were in danger or in harms way ( if the girl was prone to violence) that I would choose my child over his. And I told him he should do the same. As parents we need to protect our young no matter what it takes. I also choose my children over the MAN as well.

I think the boys need some new quality time with mom and dad. Start family night. Learn about the new boy what are his likes and dislikes. Make him feel welcome, not as a visitor. I'm really curious if the new boy is giving off any attitudes? Because if he is it needs to be dealt with very delicately. He is going through a lot, I'm sure. Anyway, I tried to see it from both their points of view. And also yours, so I hope you get a lot out of my response. Deidre