Need advise on step-mom issues

Frustratedmom - posted on 04/25/2011 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My daughter's step mom has always been a problem from the beginning. I so wish that she isn't the way that she is, but my daughter's dad has even said she'll never change, or say she is sorry. Her latest stunt about 3 months ago was she told my daughter that she din't like her, and that she will never like her. Well, needless to say, my daughter has no respect for her because of that along with a very long list of reasons. Her dad has said some horrible things to her, and she litterally feels like she is being ganged up on not just by the step mom, but everyone else there including her own dad. HELP!!

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Stevie - posted on 04/27/2011

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I totally empathize with you. I deal with a similar issue with my son's father and his step mom.

Over the past two years he has been called names, made fun of, bullied, they speak badly about me and my family - he has learned to cope but I've learned that I can only love and support my child, give him every tool but that is what I can do. I can't live my son's life . I focus on him and his experience and provide guidance where its needed but I am limited. I cannot control the inexcusable behavior of insecure people.

I've reached out to the father - its easy for people to say go and talk to him - he'll understand but we've learned that doing this creates more problems - my son endures more snide comments and constant questions by them - it essentially gives them more ammo to use and its no longer a suggestion that I give him because its too defeating. The counselor has reached out to the father but what it comes down to is he has systematically destroyed any relationship with his son and the counselor sees it as irreparable. Its sad to see but thankfully - my son knows that he is loved and supported at home. He rarely wants to go for a visit and cries almost every night after his visits - he is 11 years old.

I would recommend counseling. This not only helps give your child skills and you skills but it also documents the issue.

Also, Mom's House Dad's House by Dr. Ricci is a book worth reading for you and your daughter! There is a kids version and we have multiple copies in our house. Its great.

Also, you do not have the right to withhold your daughter or occupy dad's time with activities planned. As much as I've wanted to - I've still have pending contempt charges surrounding a birthday party that fell on dad's weekend as well as keeping my son home from a 3 hour visit based on a recommendation by the counselor - I'm totally not kidding, its seriously insane.

Give your daughter the tools that she needs to endure the visits because emotional abuse - in the state of Oregon, is not abuse that restricts visitation rights of the father.

PLEASE get a 3rd party involved a professional that can be neutral and truly become of the advocate of your daughter.

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Susan - posted on 11/04/2012

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I had a horrible step-mother myself, and no matter how hard I tried to please her, but it didn't work. Fortunately, your daughter has you. My situation was worse because my biological mother passed away when I was an infant. Now, when I have two step-sons, I thought I would never do something like that and treated them as my own children. I dearly love them including their wives and children. However, after twenty-three years of my marriage to my husband, they are trying to break our relationship up because of the death of their rich dad for whom their mother left my husband. I try very hard to correct situation, but nothing works, and it really poisons my life. The only thing that may help is reducing the frequency of contacts, or to take a break. Otherwise, nothing would work. Unfortunately, the wonderful saying that what goes around, it comes around never works at these days.

Jennifer - posted on 07/13/2012

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Peace out! Hello, you need to do what is in her best interest for her. If it means her not being in a negative situation then so be it. No matter what a parent or step should bever speak down ti a child. Always praise them, if they do wrong explain and help, but don't discourage to the piont of self pity and worthlessness.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/11/2012

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talk to her about how she feels about this. I know in the state of texas a kid can decide if he/she wants to be with a parent or see them whatever. I know, Im raising three boys who are not my own but my nephews technically. The mother was abusive, the dad didn't care, the mom's boyfriend was horrible. The boys came to me by God's grace. They don't spend time with the parents at all. A kids self esteem is everything when they are teenagers. It surely determines how they will view themselves as adults. Love her, pep her up about herself, and if she needs/wants to cut out the cancer of the step parent's attitude toward her, then help her to do that. Life is too short for toxic people.

Michelle - posted on 07/11/2012

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If talking to him hasn't done any good I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is keep loving her unconditionally and keep trying to raise her self-esteem because they sound like they are tryin to tear it down. My Step-Mother became known as my Step-Monster and trust me she earned that title, it was not a matter of me having a chip on my shoulder. I was 2 when my parents split so I never had any images of "us" as a family. And even though she had an affair with my Dad I blamed him more than anyone else in the scenario. She got the title by being mean and cruel. I'm 40 now and still have no use for her, but she's incapable now of hurting me

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2011

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I'm so sad as a step-mom to hear such horrible things. Can you stop visitations? My daughter has a step-mom and she is a little crazy but I can't imagine why any human would say or be mean to a child!! I really think you should stop visitations if at all possible!!

Beth - posted on 04/27/2011

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Oh I am so sorry! There is nothing harder on a child of divorce than to have a step-parent that mistreats or dislikes them and then destroys the relationship between the child and parent! That is wrong on so many levels!

My ex and I had a very good relationship during and after our divorce, and co-parented our daughter with such ease that she transitioned into the new situation with almost no problems. Even with me moving two hours away from him, we made sure he saw her every weekend without fail, and they talked every evening on the phone. He and I would talk about everything concerning her progress in preschool, since she was four at the time, and we never spoke ill of one another to her. Three years after our divorce, however, he met this woman who was insanely jealous and wanted us to have absolutely NO contact. She flat out demanded that we stop speaking, even though we both reassured her that there was no chance of us getting back together again, and she treated my daughter poorly whenever they were together. My child was never a discipling problem at that age, and my ex and I believed in talking first, time out second, and if absolutely necessary then either HE or I would deliver a pop on the butt, but NO ONE ELSE would EVER lay a hand on our little girl. I always made it clear to his new wife that I fully expected my daughter to treat her with respect, and for my child to mind her, but if she got really out of line, her father would deal with any serious punishment.

My final straw was one Saturday when I got a hysterical call from my daughter, who was 7 at the time. She had locked herself in the bathroom with the phone, and was sobbing that her step-mother had been screaming at her and was outside the door with a switch ready to beat her. Well, I wasn't far away, so I raced over, and sure enough there was his wife with a huge switch, yelling and cursing loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. I got my daughter out of there and told that woman if she ever laid a hand on my child that I wouldn't wait for the police to show up, she'd be needing an ambulance before she'd need a cop! I've never done ANYTHING like that before, but the 'momma bear' in me came out, and I got my child in my car and drove straight to where my ex worked and told him exactly what had happened, and my daughter told him her side, and he was extremely upset. I admitted to threatening his wife and he wasn't angry at me, he was furious with her! Ever since then, he never left our daughter alone with that woman, and when our daughter became a teenager and his wife would become rude, my ex literally made her pay my daughter out of her bank account! The money was put into an account that our daugher could not touch, and was used for her college fees. If our daughter got out of line, she lost money from her PERSONAL account that had her allowance in it, and it went into her stepmother's household account. I thought it was a pretty good idea, actually. By the time my daughter was a senior in high school, they both had learned to hold their tongues or it was going to cost them!!!!

My ex was not a great husband to me, but he is no dummy. I don't know why he ever wanted to marry that idiot, but he apparently loves her. I'm just thankful he loves his daughter enough to have figured out a way to make them stop trying to tear one another apart.

You really need to have a sit-down with your ex and tell him unless he figures out a way to make his wife treat your daughter well, he will no longer be able to have the child in his home. Your daughter's well being is too important to have her self-esteem and safety compromised!

God bless you and best of luck!

[deleted account]

Hi, I am on the opposite of the fence, I am a step mom whomes step sons do not like me. Honestly as much as I have wanted to just say I don't like you, I NEVER have and NEVER will. So shame on her for doing that. I have had a really hard time trying to form and relationship with my step sons because it is a very one way street. They are rude, do not help, argue and follow NONE of the house rules when their dad is not around and often just simply ignore me when I ask them to help me. The bottom line for me is that I love their dad and will do what ever possible to make it an amicable situation for all of us because I am the adult. I do not know how old your daughter is but perhaps you can encourage her to talk to her father about this and tell him how this hurts her and I would truly investigate some more to see what, if any part your daughter may have had in letting the relationship get to this point. I remind my boys all the time that relationships are very much a 2 way street. I hope this helps you and your daughter at least a little bit. Best of luck to you.

Ann - posted on 04/26/2011

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Ditto with Susanne Young. Put her in activities that keep her busy. It sounds like they would'nt mind if she had an excuse not to visit. But just remember, It is your job to protect her. I think a child needs both parents but if it is harmful to her then maybe she doesn't for the time being. I would for sure talk to her dad because sometime kids make things up if they don't get what they want.(not saying that she did that) but it could also be a misunderstanding. You know your ex better than anyone. Do you believe he would knowingly do that or allow his wife to do that?

[deleted account]

How old is your daughter? I think you need to speak to your ex about his relationship with his daughter. If your daughter doesnt want to see him anymore I wouldnt make her go.

Constance - posted on 04/25/2011

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I truelly know where ou and your daughter are coming fom. I am not sure how old your daughter is but I know how I ended up handling my first stepmother and my father (as worthless as he was). I tried fo many years to have a relationship with my father and his second wife but it never did work. When the seperated in 1998 I tried with my Father again but he proved to sill be the jack ass I has always known. But when I was was fifteen I got pegnant with my fifteen year old. She told me I was nothing but a whoe and a waste of space. I reacted anyway a teenager would react in that situation I gave her piece of my mind and my father as well. He neve did anything for me to begin ith but empty promises. After I stood up to both of them I stopped communicating with both of them. I am not saying this is the right way for you daughter to handle this situation but she doesn't deserve to be treated this way by any adult exspecially someone that is married to her father. Her father should't be treating he this way either. If she i old enough to have an opinion then this wuld be the time to allow it.I would make it clear that she isn't suppost to be disespectfulto adult but if they ae being this horriable to her then she should stand her ground. If she is old enough to stand her ground make sure she is old enough to make the decision on whether or not to go visit him. It will be very dificult if she does and is still forced to have to go and stay with him. if she can stand up for herself it will help. Maybe she will end up with a great relationship with her dad.
My father passed away when I was 7 monthes pregnant with my fourth child. I had already cut him out of my life but I was angry that he never cared enough to try and fix things. But I end up having to sign all the paperwork so his family could bury him. He was married to his third wife and she was preventing them from doing what needed to be done. I have forgiven him for everything he did. I hope your daughter father realizes how lucky he is to have such a bueatiful daughter. But I did endup getting the lst laugh with my first stepmother. I told you they divorced in 1998 but they didn't completely take care of everything from the divorce settlement. Like the house she wanted to sell it and she couldn't do it without my signuture. I was to recieve half of the money from the sale, but because of th person I am they had a son while they were married so I had the paperwok drawn up so he could also recieve 25%. The catch was he wasa minor so she had to petition the court for another adult to be able to sign for him. The stipulation that I made is Iwould only be respnsible for 25% of ant court cost. Well we went through the whole proccess and we were in the middle of closing over the phone of course we live in two different states. I was told that I would be responsiable for $1,000 dollars. But she tried to make me pay half. Which I refused because I was only getting 25% of the final price she said I had to pay it and I told the atterny that is she is going to act like this to stop the sale and Ihung up on the closing. It took exactly 5 minutes for her to realize I was no lounger the scared 15 year old. She knew I wasn't playing and I can stand my ground. It felt so good to stick it to her one last time.

[deleted account]

You need to protect you daughter...and if she is uncomfortable and being mistreated then you need to keep her away from them...Her father should be PROTECTING her and if You or your daughter can't trust him to do that...then YOU need to be the one to take charge and BE THE PROTECTOR...Keep her away from them...The fact that your daughter has ZERO respect for the step-mom and soon to be her father can turn into something UGLY...It's best to put a stop to it NOW before it gets worse...How old is your daughter by the way?

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