Need help before it is to late for either my daughter or myself.

Kerry - posted on 12/14/2009

Shannon that would have to be the best advise for Jean(the journal thing) My heart goes for your granddaughter & everyone who`s been through this. I can`t even imagine how you all feel & what you all have been through. Jean, i know your trying to protect your granddaughter,but i really think if she knew it happened to you,she would open up alot more. I don`t think she thinks anyone understands what she`s going through. Don`t go into to much detail unless she asks,but i think she would appreciate it if you told her about your situation. If you take her to a counsilor, make sure it`s a female. I rebember at that age, sex talk is embarrasing,& her talking about her past will be horrible enough. She won`t open up to a male. Jean, you & your husband are beautiful peolpe & are doing a wonderful job. I wish you all the luck. I`ll be thinking of you both.

Shannon - posted on 12/13/2009

Hi, my name is shannon, my Youngest daughter was molested by her step great grandad. We did in home thearpy, where the councelor came into our home. Her grades were so bad, she couldn't even be in the room without someone being in there, she would follow us every where.I noticed that you said counceling made it worse. when we started therapy, they told us that it would get worse before it got better, and sure enough it did, but you have to hang in there for you and for your daughter. At times it felt horrific to where i didn't think i could get through it and i imangined what it was like for her if i was this upset "what was it doing to her, because i wasn't the one who got abused. as far as the motivation,and school work, i really believe that some of that is just being a typical child, especially in this day and age. but what i did was get more involved in my childs school, i joined the pta and volunteered as much as i can to let her know if she could do it so could i, I also put my daughter in sports and extra curricular activities, try to keep her busy, but most important of all praise her for everything that she does right, even if you think that it was to small to even comment on. we as parents are more concerned about the teaching and correcting that we dont take the time to praise children, and its not our fault really, its just the world we live in today. my daughter was 8 and 9 when this all started, she will be 13 in january, and up to last year we were still going through things but it did get better with time. it will never leave her but remember to always be there for her.(i couldn't even correct her for anything thing that she done wrong for along time because i didn't know if she was acting out because of what happened or was she just being a typical child... the thearpist told me that she still needs rules and consequences for her action, so that she could a normal part of society when she did get older.) I am doing a night jornal with my child... I right a message or letter to her every night in the journal and lay it on her pillow before she goes to bed, and she writes me back,,not all the time but she writes back and you would be amazed at what she will tell you in her own time, and even on the nights that she didnt write me back i still write her every night, just to let her know i am still here for you.) she puts the journal on my pillow every morning whether she writes me or not. I will pray for you and your daughter, you will work these things out but it will be hard and even harder on her. DONT GIVE UP, HANG IN THERE!!

Geneive - posted on 12/13/2009

Maybe she has self esteem issues. Has she been bullied, does she have many friends. Find an interest that she has and encourage her to participate. Research your local area to see if there is an opportunity for her to share it with others. Encourage her to try new things and offer social opportunities with peers. Most important of all continue to open communication with her and encourage her to express her feelings, thoughts and opinions.

Alina - posted on 12/11/2009

Quoting Jean:

Quoting alina:

how old is this child? the first thing that comes to my mind is if there is ANY way she could have been sexually abused. these are all earmarks of sexual abuse. i am not saying it is anyone in your immediate family but this needs to be looked into more closely. perhaps a trusted friend can get her to spill the beans as to what is bothering her. i dont always recommend it but if that is not an option then maybe a counselor whom you have known for a while or one a close friend can recommend. i wish you all the best in finding out so that she and you, as a family can work past it.

Thanks for the help Alina;

Lisa is 11 ( will be 12 in July).  Yes she was molested by her biological parents along with being abused in every way possible.  We adopted her when she was 8 yrs old but have had her since she was 5.  We have tried the counseling route but that seemed to make her act up worse so we pulled her out of that situation.  We have thought abut trying a different way, by having her visit with a family friend ( who use to work as a counselor) and Lisa gets along with her quite well so I am going to have to see if this friend can help.

I also know what Lisa is going through because I was abused (in every sense of the word.) and so I have tried to help her through this mess without telling her what happened to me because she is one that take everything on herself.  She blames herself for everything that isn't right with the world and we have had long talks about how everything is not her fault and the things that happened with her bio-parents is not her fault either.  I know she is frightened that her bio-parents will try to come and take her but we have talked about how they can't do that and I have even started picking her up after school just to reassure her.

Thanks for the help and I hope I can get through this soon.

Jean

I knew it. i was alos abused in every sense of the word and sexually as a child. maybe she needs you to let her know that you really do know what she is going through and why. i understand that she blames herself for things, i was very much that way. but i also didnt think ANYONE in the whole world truly understood what was going on with me. knowing that others were out there and knew and understood and hearing their stories helped me a lot. maybe she is just ashamed that she "let it happen". i know i felt that way and sometimes still do. (i know she did NOT so please dont think i am blaming her, it is just i know she may very well feel this way.) and the older i got the worse this feeling got that i could have, should have......i think your family friend idea is a wonderful one. sometimes it just takes an outsider to make them realize they can get past it. i am so sorry for you both that you have to go through this. adopting her was the ultimate act of love. remind her often that you love her no matter what. i know you probably do but some kids need it even more. wow, this is quite an ordeal. i know you must be going crazy not knowing the best way to help her, ultimately that has to come from her. feel free to add me to your circle and i will do my best to help in any way i can. i can leave you with these words. she feels safe with you. if she didnt she would not act out. you have done an excellent job of letting her know she is safe with you forever. kids act out with those they feel the most safe with. i will remember you in my prayers. i pray soon this will become a distant memory for you both.

Alina - posted on 12/11/2009

Quoting Jean:

Quoting alina:

how old is this child? the first thing that comes to my mind is if there is ANY way she could have been sexually abused. these are all earmarks of sexual abuse. i am not saying it is anyone in your immediate family but this needs to be looked into more closely. perhaps a trusted friend can get her to spill the beans as to what is bothering her. i dont always recommend it but if that is not an option then maybe a counselor whom you have known for a while or one a close friend can recommend. i wish you all the best in finding out so that she and you, as a family can work past it.

Thanks for the help Alina;

Lisa is 11 ( will be 12 in July).  Yes she was molested by her biological parents along with being abused in every way possible.  We adopted her when she was 8 yrs old but have had her since she was 5.  We have tried the counseling route but that seemed to make her act up worse so we pulled her out of that situation.  We have thought abut trying a different way, by having her visit with a family friend ( who use to work as a counselor) and Lisa gets along with her quite well so I am going to have to see if this friend can help.

I also know what Lisa is going through because I was abused (in every sense of the word.) and so I have tried to help her through this mess without telling her what happened to me because she is one that take everything on herself.  She blames herself for everything that isn't right with the world and we have had long talks about how everything is not her fault and the things that happened with her bio-parents is not her fault either.  I know she is frightened that her bio-parents will try to come and take her but we have talked about how they can't do that and I have even started picking her up after school just to reassure her.

Thanks for the help and I hope I can get through this soon.

Jean

I knew it. i was alos abused in every sense of the word and sexually as a child. maybe she needs you to let her know that you really do know what she is going through and why. i understand that she blames herself for things, i was very much that way. but i also didnt think ANYONE in the whole world truly understood what was going on with me. knowing that others were out there and knew and understood and hearing their stories helped me a lot. maybe she is just ashamed that she "let it happen". i know i felt that way and sometimes still do. (i know she did NOT so please dont think i am blaming her, it is just i know she may very well feel this way.) and the older i got the worse this feeling got that i could have, should have......i think your family friend idea is a wonderful one. sometimes it just takes an outsider to make them realize they can get past it. i am so sorry for you both that you have to go through this. adopting her was the ultimate act of love. remind her often that you love her no matter what. i know you probably do but some kids need it even more. wow, this is quite an ordeal. i know you must be going crazy not knowing the best way to help her, ultimately that has to come from her. feel free to add me to your circle and i will do my best to help in any way i can. i can leave you with these words. she feels safe with you. if she didnt she would not act out. you have done an excellent job of letting her know she is safe with you forever. kids act out with those they feel the most safe with. i will remember you in my prayers. i pray soon this will become a distant memory for you both.

Tabitha - posted on 12/11/2009

Hi Jean ive put a subject on here regarding my 13 year old, she sounds just like my daughter, so out of control, please go and read them, the response is really good and it helped me to think others out there are in the same boat as me, i do feel for you, keep your chin up. Please go and read my conversations.

Tara - posted on 12/11/2009

Hi, I just wanted to add my support. . . I was molested as a child. . . and my biological father died when I was very young. . disrupting my life severly.. . I had a lot of issues dealing with these major catastrophic events in my life. . . I did not get counseling until I was older, married, had 4 children & destroyed my marriage because of past issues I hadn't dealt with. . I think it is GREAT you are trying so hard to help your daughter. . please don't give up! My thought is she needs a therapist she can "click" with. . I got lucky . . the one I found I LOVE him! I think he is the best thing. . & I really REALLY think he saved my life! try again for a different therapist. . when you call around, ask them LOTS of questions, like are they experienced with young teens, etc. The issues that are affecting her. . . because even though there are LOTS of therapists, not all can accomodate what we need as an "injured individual" please feel free to contact me. . . I am thinking of your daughter!!

Tanisha - posted on 12/11/2009

With counseling things get worse before they get better, especially when dealing with sexual abuse. (the therapist should have mentioned that) If she started acting worse during the time she was going to counseling it means they hit on something that was actually bothering her, stopping at that point can then create some of what we are seeing now. Think about taking her back to get counseling, she sounds like she could really benefit from it.
About the teasing...sometimes even when kids walk away today's bullies are more persistent. They take the teasing online, they follow them around and often get other classmates to join in. She probably needs help from administration & the teachers, I doubt it's the type of teasing you or I dealt with back in the day. Step in with the school find out about what is going on and how far they have taken this. What types of things have they said or done? (This is critical to find out) the bullying can become even more damaging for her than you may expect. She sounds like she needs someone to stand up for her at the school.
The masturbation can be normal or it could also be a result of the abuse. It's hard to tell without taking her to someone trained to help her. If you have a spiritual life stay in prayer and continue to show your love for her no matter how much she bucks against you. Kids often do this because they feel safe that the people they act out against won't reject or abandon them. She wants and needs you to continue to confirm your consistency, stability, love and faith in her ability to succeed against all odds. Stay strong and get a good positive support system (either friends family or a local community support group)that will encourage you and not give up on her. Several counties across the nation have support groups for grandparents raising their grandchildren.

http://www.aarp.org/families/grandparent...
http://www.archrespite.org/archfs45.htm
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Grandpare...
http://www.grandparenting.org
http://www.childwelfare.gov/preventing/s...

Hang in there we are here for you...

Peggy (Moe) - posted on 12/11/2009

Jean you are in my prayers, upon reading your post, I assumed she had been exposed to sexual acts and upon reading further it was confirmed. She needs to be able to talk to someone,sometimes children don't like the environment of a counselor and hopefully you all have someone she can talk to who has her best interest in hand. Also, the bullying at school is why she doesn't enjoy it, it's not like when we were younger, kids today can be totally cruel and it truly affects the kids getting picked on, so you all will have to work on her being more confident. Take the time to see what things she enjoys and focus on those things with her so that she can feel you are on her level and it will help her to open up to you. She has been through alot, so lots of love and being her confidant is gonna help.

Kelly - posted on 12/11/2009

It may not be abuse, but it is worth finding out for sure. My sister's son is now almost 19 and has had to come and stay with us because his lack of motivation has now endangered his chances of graduating this year. I am not parenting him, just making sure that he gets to school and gets caught up on his school work. I had no idea how bad he has gotten or how long this has been going on. We had a conversation the other day where he told be he hasn't been "on the right track" since the 6th grade. He sees a psychiatrist and a counselor and has medication that, up until now, he has refused to take. My sister said once the medication starts working he cares about his life again and becomes more like the nephew I know and love so I am hopeful for him and for her. I am only telling you this because I feel that had we recognized then what was happening with him and intervened at that time, he would have enjoyed his school years and not gotten himself into this mess. Get this child some help now and don't stop pushing until you get the right help for her! Listen to your instincts. I hope this helps you and good luck!

Tammy - posted on 12/10/2009

Quoting Jean:

Quoting alina:

how old is this child? the first thing that comes to my mind is if there is ANY way she could have been sexually abused. these are all earmarks of sexual abuse. i am not saying it is anyone in your immediate family but this needs to be looked into more closely. perhaps a trusted friend can get her to spill the beans as to what is bothering her. i dont always recommend it but if that is not an option then maybe a counselor whom you have known for a while or one a close friend can recommend. i wish you all the best in finding out so that she and you, as a family can work past it.

Thanks for the help Alina;

Lisa is 11 ( will be 12 in July).  Yes she was molested by her biological parents along with being abused in every way possible.  We adopted her when she was 8 yrs old but have had her since she was 5.  We have tried the counseling route but that seemed to make her act up worse so we pulled her out of that situation.  We have thought abut trying a different way, by having her visit with a family friend ( who use to work as a counselor) and Lisa gets along with her quite well so I am going to have to see if this friend can help.

I also know what Lisa is going through because I was abused (in every sense of the word.) and so I have tried to help her through this mess without telling her what happened to me because she is one that take everything on herself.  She blames herself for everything that isn't right with the world and we have had long talks about how everything is not her fault and the things that happened with her bio-parents is not her fault either.  I know she is frightened that her bio-parents will try to come and take her but we have talked about how they can't do that and I have even started picking her up after school just to reassure her.

Thanks for the help and I hope I can get through this soon.

Jean

 

It might actually help her to see that she isn't the only one that has been through abuse if you tell her you went through it.  she might open up more to you if she knows that you went through it too.

Tammy - posted on 12/10/2009

you should invest in counceling for her. no one wants to have to have thier child go through therapy, but it helps. my daughter was cutting herself and i took her to counceling, now she doesn't cut herself anymore, and puts her anger issues on paper. It will help. there has to be a reason for her touching herself, and you need to find out the answer to that. good luck and god bless.

Josie - posted on 12/10/2009

I know kids can be so very evil when someone is different. I hope talking with your friend helps. She knows you love her but as a child, she needs to feel that she can be liked by people outside the family too. See if you can help her find one real friend she can talk to and trust even if its an older girl, that will make a difference too. Good luck and I hope you and your daughter can reconnect soon. She needs people who make her feel good, and you are doing just that. Hang in there mom.

Jean - posted on 12/09/2009

Quoting alina:

how old is this child? the first thing that comes to my mind is if there is ANY way she could have been sexually abused. these are all earmarks of sexual abuse. i am not saying it is anyone in your immediate family but this needs to be looked into more closely. perhaps a trusted friend can get her to spill the beans as to what is bothering her. i dont always recommend it but if that is not an option then maybe a counselor whom you have known for a while or one a close friend can recommend. i wish you all the best in finding out so that she and you, as a family can work past it.

Thanks for the help Alina;

Lisa is 11 ( will be 12 in July).  Yes she was molested by her biological parents along with being abused in every way possible.  We adopted her when she was 8 yrs old but have had her since she was 5.  We have tried the counseling route but that seemed to make her act up worse so we pulled her out of that situation.  We have thought abut trying a different way, by having her visit with a family friend ( who use to work as a counselor) and Lisa gets along with her quite well so I am going to have to see if this friend can help.

I also know what Lisa is going through because I was abused (in every sense of the word.) and so I have tried to help her through this mess without telling her what happened to me because she is one that take everything on herself.  She blames herself for everything that isn't right with the world and we have had long talks about how everything is not her fault and the things that happened with her bio-parents is not her fault either.  I know she is frightened that her bio-parents will try to come and take her but we have talked about how they can't do that and I have even started picking her up after school just to reassure her.

Thanks for the help and I hope I can get through this soon.

Jean

Jean - posted on 12/09/2009

Quoting Josie:

I am assuming she is over 10. My kids are 13 boy, 8 girl, and 4 boy. My oldest is not motivated in anything except his ps3. He doesnt really care for school. He does enough to get by. And yes he also explores with the privates this is normal. It is very hard to open the door of comunication they at this age mouth back or just shut down. Find a time when you and just her can go to dinner and shop. No phones allowed. Softly open the door for conversation, ask open ended questions so she can't just say yeah, or no. This will not be easy, and it will take effort on both parts. Try to stay open minded she may say things you do not like or agree with but if you show anger or disapointment right away she will shut down with the words " I knew you wouldn't understand" Good luck hon, Josie

Thanks Josie;

I have tried to talk to her and she just says "I hate Math" "I hate school"  "The kids don't like me and tease me".  I have tried to explain that she needs to work on her school work and she will learn to like it and as hard as it is she needs to walk away when the kids are being mean to her.

She is 11 years old and has some food intolerances that make her have to eat different than other people.  She has also been molested by her biological parents.  ( we adopted her when she was 8 yrs. old but have had her since she was 5.  She was our granddaughter.)  We have done everything we can think of to help her deal with everything but she just bucks us every inch of the way.  She has also been in counseling but that just made her act worse.

I'll try your ideas and thank you so very much.

Jean

Josie - posted on 12/09/2009

I am assuming she is over 10. My kids are 13 boy, 8 girl, and 4 boy. My oldest is not motivated in anything except his ps3. He doesnt really care for school. He does enough to get by. And yes he also explores with the privates this is normal. It is very hard to open the door of comunication they at this age mouth back or just shut down. Find a time when you and just her can go to dinner and shop. No phones allowed. Softly open the door for conversation, ask open ended questions so she can't just say yeah, or no. This will not be easy, and it will take effort on both parts. Try to stay open minded she may say things you do not like or agree with but if you show anger or disapointment right away she will shut down with the words " I knew you wouldn't understand" Good luck hon, Josie

Alina - posted on 12/09/2009

how old is this child? the first thing that comes to my mind is if there is ANY way she could have been sexually abused. these are all earmarks of sexual abuse. i am not saying it is anyone in your immediate family but this needs to be looked into more closely. perhaps a trusted friend can get her to spill the beans as to what is bothering her. i dont always recommend it but if that is not an option then maybe a counselor whom you have known for a while or one a close friend can recommend. i wish you all the best in finding out so that she and you, as a family can work past it.