Need help with my underachieving 13 year old who lies

Jenny - posted on 06/16/2011

That sounds exactly like my 9 1/2 year old daughter. Her behavior is refractory to every single punishment and promise of rewards known to man. I am so very tired of hearing "I forgot" and "I don't know." Our kids must have been cut from the same cloth lol. Will we ever get rest from this?

Susyn - posted on 11/10/2010

Hi, I think I have the same 13 year old living in my house! Same exact story except mine has a bad attitude and is nasty.. If you get any good advice, please pass it on! Thanks!!

Ramona - posted on 11/10/2010

I find that with my ds I have to be very specific. Not "Have you finished your homework?", but "What did you have to do for math? sciencs?" Same with cleaning his room, I pick one area and have him do that, then move to the next one, otherwise it is too overwhelming for him.

Davida - posted on 11/10/2010

I am going through the very same thing with my 12 year old son. He has ADD and struggles with organization and has all of her life. Some areas he seems to improve and then all of a sudden he will start to act out in school, tease and bully, forget or lie about homework and ultimately begin failing in core classes. We have tried everything from punishment, taking away his allowance, cell phone, video games etc. I truly believe many of these children simply aren't mature in areas that a child not diagnosed with this ailment. I just continue to reassure him that he has to try harder to overcome it and we are committed to helping him fully understand his limitations.
I too double check homework, schoolwork and have his teachers on speed-dial. I started preparing him for schoolwork a week ahead so that he doesn't get frustrated or overwelmed when he is introduced to work he doesn't fully understand.
But most important, children with ADD and ADHD generally do much better when they have extra-attention from us and when we are more patient. I feel as they get older, they learn how to adapt go on to be very successful. Almost every case I've heard or read has been from a parent of an "exceptional" child. We just have to learn how to redirect that extra energy into good use. Keep your head up and don't give up on him.

Kelly - posted on 11/10/2010

I just got done reading "Boys Adrift" (http://boysadrift.com/articles.php) which I checked out at our library. My son is in 7th grade this year and beginning to lack motivation. Read this book. I think you might change your mind about the private school. We don't have the money to send our son to a private school but will do what we have to, to make sure our son grows into a healthy functioning adult. Hope this helps you.

Janine - posted on 11/08/2010

The ADHD thing is real, and as our therapist told us, think of his brain as walking into the sandwich shop. How many options are on the board to have a sandwich. If you are a very organized planned person who has everything in control then you have a lot of options and can make a decision. If your son has ADHD, most likely there aren't any options on the board at ALL! So, when he says he doesn't have homework, he truly believes this, and is telling the truth (to him). I deal with this on a daily basis, and have worked with the school to help him stay more organized. We had my 13 year tested this last summer to see if he would qualify for a 504 plan. Not only did he test his IQ at 134 (which is in the genius level) but he also qualified because he ability to organize, plan and remember his daily activities showed as a major concern in his cognative thinking. So, now he has a 504 and he goes to a special classroom at the end of his day to help "get organized". He is still working through it and missing assignments, but is learning how to organize and be successful for the next day. His special teacher tells me that he is now coming into her classroom to look at the board to find out what he has due on the days he doesn't see her. Now we have a plan. I am sure your school has this option available, there are many children who need different levels of help in this area. Ask for help, that is what the school is there for - to help your son learn the skills, for him, it's learning how to plan and organize. It's not a typical subject, but I am sure everything will slowly fall into place. Taking away everything he does in live will continue to reinforce the fact that he is a failure and can't accomplish things on his own, when he hasn't been taught yet.

SHIREEN - posted on 11/08/2010

My son also in grade 8 has the same problem. he is very bright but very forgetfull. I think he's just lazy buy i don't know how to motivate him anymore. I've given up on hidings because he told me that i'm waisting my time because it does not affect him anymore. I don't know what to do either

Tracy - posted on 11/05/2010

If you have had a major change in the family as we did (divorce), this behavior was exactly our problem in 7th grade. I had to take the initiative. I checked his work every day & night. Took away privileges (phone, computer & tv time, we don't have video games) for phrases like "I forgot" or "I didn't ask" and both his dad and I followed the same rules. I'm happy to say he did a complete turn around and is committed to doing well this years (he got two As this quarter).

Brenda - posted on 11/02/2010

We constantly have the same problem with our 13 year old son and have found that having him go to homework club at lunchtime at his school and switching him from one of his favorite options to L.A. Pass has helped him get his homework done at school. We have also given him extra chores to do on the weekends when he was caught not having homework done during the week. He also has ADHD too. good luck

Andrea - posted on 11/01/2010

I'm going through a similar situation with my 12 yo right now, he doesn't have adhd though. Getting him to Listen and not talking back is such a struggle. Sometimes I have to walk away and cry, other times I just get so frustrated and it turns into a power struggle and argument between us. I don't want him to feel as if he *won* after all I am the mom. But I don't know how to not end up yelling either?

Remy - posted on 10/29/2010

I dont agree with just letting him be. There has to be something you can do.Maybe give him an incentive to turn in work. Like does he have friends over or does he like to go places, does he get an allowance? Do something like if he turns in all his work in a week on the weekend go somewhere he wants to go or give him a reward that maybe goes toward a certain item he wants to buy..match points with dollars or something. I think you have to be careful to not put TOO much infesis on rwarding EXPECTED BEHAVIORS(like doin class/homework). ther has to be some type of balance....sorry thats all i can think of...I have similar problems wiyh my 15 year old. She didnt get a clue until she flunked the ninth grade.now she is taking school more serious but it cost her a year. I did all I could but all I really did wastress myself out.

Natalie - posted on 10/29/2010

The answers "I don't know" and "I forgot" are all part of the ADHD. Is he being treated medicinally for it? Not all kids with ADHD need to be treated, but from my own experience, he might need to be. If he already is, he might need to be re-evaluated for proper kind and/or dose. The problem is that at this age kids feel the pressures from everyone and everything. If they know that they aren't doing well, but feel helpless, then many kids will begin to experiment with other drugs to self medicate. This is a true and real scenario and I hope that you are attentive. I would bring him to the pedaitrician and then I would set up monthly meetings with him as well as his teachers to talk about his progress. Do not embarrass him. Take away the outrside stressors in his life, but allow him to have some form of "release" after school where he can just totally unwind and clear his head. What ever you decide to do, do NOT give up on him! He needs you! From a medical stand point too, kids frontal lobes are not fully developed yet until for sure by the age of 25. So, in a nutshell, his brain is not mature. Encourage, reinforce, praise, and most of all, just love him (even wehen it is hard sometimes). You can do this! :)

Janet - posted on 10/29/2010

It seems to me that your son is "asking" for more structure through his choice of behaviors. I like how you have been communicating with his teachers and working as a team. This will show your son that you will act to give him structure and accountability. Teens with ADHD are struggling not only with their impulsivity and focus but they are trying out different roles like most other teens. I agree that taking away everything from him may only engage you in control battles that no one will win. I agree with keeping involved with positive activities that are structured and supervised by other adults - you still want to build on his strengths. It sounds like he is doing a lot of things right (not on drugs, not breaking the law, going to school daily, etc.) Hang in there. It will take a lot of work from both you and his dad to increase his structure but hang in there and he'll come around.

Kathryn - posted on 10/29/2010

He's got a good mix of friends—some are straight A students involved in a lot of activites, others are not doing so well in school. Unfortunately, the ones who are overachievers are kept pretty busy with daily activities and don't have much time outside of school to ride bikes, skateboard or do other activities my son enjoys.



At this point, I don't think scouts is the solution. Getting him involved in another activity right now would take time away that he should be catching up work with.



I do like the suggestion of having our martial arts instructor talk to him. He looks up to him (and some of the other senior belts) so that might have some impact.



I had him in counseling with a therapist last year when the grades were bad. He went every other week for a while, but the therapist didn't seem to think there were any serious issues going on. They mostly discussed honesty, building trust and being personally responsible.



Home schooling is not an option for us. I have a full-time job we need the two incomes. I think his current teachers are better at teaching then I would be -- especially since I am an overachieving perfectionist (not expecting him to be, but I would like C's and B's instead of D's and F's).



I've been communicating with most of his teachers and the past week has been evenings of helping/prodding him to get his homework done. The quarter grades are done and he didn't fail anything, but we need to stay vigilant. We haven't taken away the martial arts because he is showing effort now, but he knows that option is out there.

Tonya - posted on 10/29/2010

Well, I certainly know where you are coming from! My youngest boy is at that same stage, however, our approach is that we DO NOT negotiate with him. He is not old enough an his brain is not developed enough to depend on him to make the right choices. Regarding school work it we email the teacher every week with inquiries about our son. She also will list any upcoming assignments or tests. Whenever he says he did his homework I ALWAYS ask to see it. Whenever he says he studied for a quiz I ALWAYS take the book and QUIZ him!! Quite frankly-It is the hardest work I do all day! and that is AFTER coming home from work! Anyway, we restrict privileges and all that, but I think it is the constant keeping tabs on him that keep him in line. If it were up to him he would hang out and play video games all day. He does well in school but the chores at home are a constant reminder with lists, rewards and all that. I don't know if this helps you at all, but I would suggest just taking his phone away and keep him too busy to hang out with his underachieving friends. Ask the teacher to email you a weekly schedule of his assignments, that might help. Hope things get better for you!

Laura - posted on 10/28/2010

You seem to have hit all of the behavior modification techniques that you can try. You definitely seem to be on the right track. The only thing you haven't tried yet: Natural and logical consequences for his behavior/choices. Let him fail his classes. I know that is incredibly tough for a parent to sit and watch, but he knows what is expected of him yet he is choosing to not follow the expectations. Remind him how his choices are effecting him and that he can choose to meet the expectations of school just as easily. Plus the rewards for positive choices are certainly much better than consequences for poor choices! I would consider this the option of last resort though...

Before letting him fail his classes, I would consider dropping him from the martial arts class, as you have already contemplated--that may well turn out to be a motivator for him since it is something that he is interested in. Try connecting grades to the class--he needs to improve his grades to passing (this keeps the objective reasonable and doable for him) in order to continue with the class. Does he have a positive opinion of or relationship with the instructor? You might be able to ask the instructor to have a talk with him about the importance of school. Sometimes an outside party can have more influence than mom and dad!

You mention that all he wants to do is hang with his friends. How do these kids do in school? Are they high achievers, average students, or kids that could care less about school? If they are kids that take school seriously, you might engage them in helping your son "remember" his homework. Peer pressure can be positive too! If however, these are kids that don't care about school, then I would seriously limit his time with them. I wouldn't forbid him from seeing them (yet!), but until his grades improve he has no outside contact with them. Unfortunately negative peer pressure is what most parents worry about the most.

the suggestion about Scouts was a good one. IF his friends play some role in his poor school performance, then getting him involved with a group like the Scouts would give him an opportunity to meet and make new friends. Boys & Girls Clubs, a church youth group, Little League--these are all other ways he could meet new kids. Plus these groups, while not relying on grades in and of themselves, could be an incentive for him to do better in school if membership is tied to his grades. The Boys & Girls Clubs often have "homework" time with mentors and tutors for the kids.

While every parent wants their child to be a high achiever/A student, start by setting reasonable goals with your son--he needs "passing" grades to consider some of these options. Bigger and better rewards can be thought of as incentives for higher grades, but for now keep your expectations lower, but reasonable. This can help ease some of the stress for you, too.

On final suggestion: If these suggestions simply don't work with your son then you may want to consider counceling. Perhaps there is more going on at school with him than he has let on. A trained professional might be able to help him (and you) come up with an "action plan" that will motivate him. I hope some of this helps and good luck to you!

Amy - posted on 10/27/2010

Have you tried Boy Scouts? (Sorry, that's the group I'm familiar with--there may be some other youth group in your area that would provide similar support.) We love the program, and I've heard from others that it has helped their kids learn responsibility and respect. Some kids really look forward to the camping and physical activities -- completely opposite from book learning, yet very important skills to know. It might also give your son a group of different friends who have more interest in making good decisions.
Bottom-line, though, your brother is correct. Your son will need to make the choice. But if you can hit on an activity that sparks his interest and helps him learn life-lessons, it may help turn him around. One other thing about Scouting: it's family-centered, so it's not a competition between it and his family (which I think sports becomes). It doesn't divide families, but can offer you quality time to grow together.

Joni - posted on 10/27/2010

My son has some of the same issues going on. I have decided that if he dosn't straiten himself out in the next grading period I am going to home school him.