Need recommendations on a 12 year old girl's attitude and everything else

Tracy - posted on 04/15/2010 ( 59 moms have responded )

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Does anyone else have problems with their 12 year old daughters not wanting to help with anything around the house. I cannot get mine to do much. Sher wants to sit on the computer, watch tv and hang with friends. Its like pulling teeth to get her to put her clothes away and pick up her room. Yet she loves to babysit when given the opportunity. The attitude towards me sucks! Wants and wants but seems to have no appreciation! Any advice?

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Christina - posted on 04/15/2010

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I agree with Melanie. This is a tough age and it will only get worse if your daughter does not understand how to be a team player and understand accountability. Good for you for seeking help!

The principles of Tough Love that your daughter seems to need right now are: cell phones, computers, friends, TV, all of the extras are Privileges, NOT Rights! You as a mother have the responsibility to provide a roof, warm clothing, nourishment, love, and support for her education in a healthy environment.

Your daughter needs to EARN her privileges. She will rebel at first, but eventually, with consistency, she will get it. These are also the skills she will need later in life to succeed in any job or relationship so you are doing this not just for the moment, but for her future.

I would suggest going to your local library and checking out any of the Tough Love books. Remember the word Love is included for a reason! If your daughter does not have a healthy male role model or father in her life, she could also benefit from a heathy male to give her some guidance. All children need this. I hope this is helpful! I raised 3 teenage girls by myself and it was tough! Support for making the best decisions was key.

Cindy - posted on 02/08/2013

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I wish we could have a circle of daughters page for our girls. Safe because they could chat on a page safe for girls their age.

Melanie - posted on 04/15/2010

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Well in that case i wouldn´t give her anything she want.My daughter is the same way when it comes to cleaning up her room and put the dirty laundry in the basket.I keep telling her:If you don´t put your dirty clothes in the basket you just don´t have clean clothes to go to school.
And if she ask for friends to come over or want to have a sleepover i tell her NO!
Since you don´t clean up,can´t nobody come visit you because i don´t want to be ashamed in front of other ppl.Ever since i started doing that,she deciede to clean up,but sometimes i still have to force her to do it.But it´s getting better :-)
And about the attidude problem i guess is just a "normal" reaction for that age.I know its hard for parents,but didin´t we have attidude when we were that age??? from my experience i can only say:Ignore it!Whenever she talk to you with an attitude,act like you didn´t hear it or send her to her room and say that she ist allowed to come back out when she is ready to talk to you in a normal and respectful way.You are not one of her friends,classmate or whoever...you are her mom and deserve respect
I wish you good luck and all the best for this hard time.I´ve been there twice already and got a third one coming

Barbara - posted on 01/20/2013

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My advice is to jump on this asap and with all the force you can deliver. Take the process one step at a time, first the cell phone is she has one, then the TV, then any other electronic devices or games, no outings with friends, no money for fun stuff, gradually over time, don't return them until her attitude reverses. My 15-y-o daughter is rude to me, insulting, calls me names, tells me to my face how much she hates me, tells me that I'm an embarrassment to her, last night called me a whore on the phone when she thought I couldn't hear her. Tonight she is threatening to leave home and sleep at the park and this is AFTER I permitted two of her girl friends to come over for a sleep over tonight. She wanted PAWZ for Christmas, she got them, she wanted a new cell phone for Christmas, she got it. She wanted an iPod 4 touch for Christmas, but I couldn't afford it and I told her so and she is steamed that she didn't get the iPod. too bad. She tells me she's 'done with me'. Yeah, well, too bad kiddo, you're 15 and you can't be done with me until you turn 18. Make sure she knows the rules you want observed before you drop the hammer, make sure she knows you are doing this because you love her and want whats best for her, but remain firm, enforce your consequences and don't back off until she changes her attitude 180 degrees.

Barbara - posted on 01/14/2013

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Lori, being strict with her doesn't mean being harsh. I've learned with my 15-y-o daughter that I have to chose my battles wisely. When she says/does something that ruffles my feathers, instead of a knee-jerk reaction, I have learned to back off, consider the circumstances and decide if this is a pivotal issue that requires correction. Most times it doesn't, it's the teenager being a teenager and trying to figure out her life/feelings. When it is a pivotal issue, the first step is correction with love. "Because I love you, I don't think what you are doing/saying/acting is good for you' kind of thing. Since you only see her on alternate weekends, you don't want to start out or finish up with battles. Pick the two or three issues that really concern you. Focus on those, dismiss the others as puberty related issues and always respond with the "I love you and..." If she is living with multiple sets of rules (and it sounds like she is, between school, your home and her other home -dads?), she's bound to be confused because of the shifting sands beneath her feet. I don't know how long she's been alternating weekends, but it has to be confusing to a kid, where one place things are 'ok' and at your house certain things aren't ok. Kids this age, especially kids around 12 and into the teen years, don't have the emotional equilibrium to make rapid adjustments to the changing environments we adults subject them to. Even adults have adjustment issues when faced with changing living arrangements. Set the ground rules, establish consequences, enforce the consequences consistently with love and understanding and try to say 'Because I love you....." when correction is needed, work at not getting sucked into a debate or argument about it. If she knows the basic rules, understands the consequences if they aren't observed, she chose the end result. It's a roller coaster ride with teens, we parents need to figure out how to steady the boat, keep it afloat and ride out the storm when the kid wants to take control of the charted course.

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Jane - posted on 05/16/2013

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my daughter is stubon she wont give in she 12 and tonight she been screaming the house down since ten for what reason i dont no she thrown her drawes out of her bed side cabinet then b pushed it over throw what ever she could every where and has keep me snd her sister up i really dont no what to do i tyr to ignor but she wont stop screaming the house down and calling me any advice woul be nice

Barbara - posted on 02/08/2013

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I've been nice, placating, accommodating, attempting to solve every problem, make adjustments in my attitude, changed my demeanor to less restrictive and none of these changes I've made is welcomed with anything but disdain. It isn't a real world situation. Teenage years are preparation for what is to come in adulthood and if any adult were to speak to an employer or a boss the way my daughter has spoken to me lately, they wouldn't have a job. Teenage girls seem to have a tough time, I'm trying to comprehend all of the stresses in her life and the pressures she faces, but she needs to accommodate my rules about courtesy and respect. It isn't foolproof and no it doesn't work 100% of the time. She does realize however that a more respectful approach is more effective in interacting with me. From my perspective, she needs to step up, get a real-world view of adult interactions and her teenage years are the training ground for that. If I don't enforce my rules, require respectful treatment, she can run wild and roughshod over me and may think this is the way the world will give her what she wants. Ain't necessarily so.

Rachel - posted on 01/20/2013

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I would say that she has to show that she can be responsible at home to be able to show that she can be responsible with other people's children. Also, cut off the computer, tv, and friends until she shows you the respect that you deserve. A lot of children these days also feel entitled to all of the things that you give them, so cut her off from getting that cute new shirt she wants or whatever it might be unless it's an absolute necessity. When she sees all of these things go away, she will quickly realize just how much she does need you and how much you do give her. Explain to her that she is part of a family and that you all need to work together for that family to function properly. Better that she learns now before she gets out into the real world and realizes that everyone isn't just going to let her do whatever she wants.

Lori - posted on 01/14/2013

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Thank you Barbara. Nicole has been going back n forth since she was 4 years old..so its not an adjustment issue. I believe that my attitude is what has gotten her this way. I need to back off and not get into an argument or a debate with her. My boyfriend of many years tells me that every time it happens. I do argue with her. I am going to try the tips i'm receiving on here this weekend. Wish me luck...I'll report back on Sunday or Monday.

Lori - posted on 01/14/2013

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What if I'm a "part time" mom, I only have my daughter every other weekend. I don't want to be strict with her every time she's with me, she'll never want to come over!

Tonja - posted on 12/06/2012

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The youngest one is training everyone how to respond the way she wants them to respond. She has figured out what gets on your nerves. You must reverse the cycle or you will always have this problem which will become much worse as she gets older. Now it's time to nip it as quick as possible. Your other daughter should not have to suffer because the younger daughter refuses to do what is required. She must learn that their are consequences for doing what is asked of you while complaining and she must also learn that there is a greater reward for doing what is asked without complaining. Mom it is up to you how to determine the rewards as well as the consequences, however be consistent. Consistency is the only way to change the behavior.



God Bless

Davishia - posted on 12/05/2012

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I don't have an answer but I have the same problem with my 11year old. Her sister will do chores quickly, get them over with and go back to same activities. But the little one will gripe complain, often until her sister helps her. She is drivin

g nuts.

Tonja - posted on 12/04/2012

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It's important to know what motivates her. She needs to understand that the tv, computer, and hanging out with her friends is a gift from you to her and she doesn't get to enjoy any of it until her work is done period. No matter how sad she looks, how much she pouts, or fusses. Mom you must stick to your guns. I know it hurts. But you will hurt her more in the long run if she is allowed to continue living life as if someone owes her something and she never learns to appreciate anything from anyone, but especially from you the one who is providing for her needs daily.



I had to tell my now 13 year old daughter when she first lived with us in 2009, that I'd rather she hate me and get what she needs to grow up to be a productive person in society and I meant every word. This is my step-daughter. When I first got her I was hard on her because she needed to know that there where guidelines and rules she needed to follow in order for her to do well. When the expectations were clear what was expected of her and then followed through to make sure that she was doing what was expected, that is when she knew I wasn't going to back off.



Was it hard YES! was it worth it CERTAINLY! Today she is an entirely different child from the one that showed up grief stricken in 2009. Most people would have said that I was being to mean to her because she had lost her mother. But what people don't realize was this child needed to learn how to function under abnormal stress and pressures of life because that is what will build her character.



Today she is a straight "A" student getting ready for Magnet School next year. She does her chores now without me having to remind her or say a word. She ask me if I need help. She washes her own clothes, dries, folds, irons, and hang them up. I am ashamed to admit but her room is now neater than my own.



She was taught some skills and was told that it was now her responsibility to implement what she was taught. She was also told that we are all leaders in this life, but how is her leadership affecting others. She listened, paid attention, and does her best in almost every area of her life. Everywhere she goes I am told that she is such a blessing and a joy to be around and she truly is and I can only give God the glory for her I can't take credit for anything and I know this and thank God for his intervention. I hope this encourages you.

Barbara - posted on 10/17/2012

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If you try to look at your 12 yo through the eyes you had when she was two and had the 'terrible two tantrums' it gets a little easier. They have no vocabulary at two and they tantrum. At 12 or 13 (mine is 15) they have learned a few choice words from their older siblings or friends at school and they are trying those new words out at home to see how they fly. I'm told that I'm hated, I'm ancient, I have 'old fashioned' views and limits (also Christian), but I keep plugging along, enforcing my rules, with holding privileges (ipod, cell phone, Wii, TV, computer, etc), restricting 'sleepovers' at a friends house or here and eventually she begins to realize that her actions are costing her a lot more than they are costing me. She threatens to run away, tells me to go drop in a hole and die, I keep plugging along reinforcing values and consequences. It is a very difficult time for them and they make it a very difficult time for us. I love her and I want her to have a good, safe and happy life. If I don't stick to my guns here, when will I? I'm glad I'm not alone with this too, but in the end, each MOM makes the choice, and very few of them, at this age, are easy.

Barbara - posted on 10/17/2012

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Yep, it started at about 12 and has progressively gotten worse. Now I refuse to speak to her unless she can speak to me with the courtesy she would show with other adults we both know. I have also cut off her cell phone, taken her ipod and restricted her computer privileges to 30 minutes a day for homework only (I have parental controls installed on our home computer to do this). She also will not be allowed TV, after school activities and she is not permitted anywhere but school and home with NO friends tagging along. Her chores are simple: clean her own bathroom, keep her room picked up, feed the dog before dinner time, keep her homework on track, and wheel the trash cans in on trash day after the pickup. If the clothes don't make it to her laundry hamper, they don't get washed - they stay dirty and she can hand wash them in her bathroom sink. She knows that if she is late for school just once (we live 3 blocks away and she walks with two girlfriends & we live in sunny southern california) I will drive her there and pick her up after school EVERY DAY for a month and walk her to her first class if necessary. When the $$ demands kick in (MOM! I need to go to the MALL!), the answer is "Sorry, you haven't done your chores." or (GEESE MOM, Carolina NEEDS to sleep over this Saturday!). Sorry, hon, you've been disrespectful to me several times this week, I can't let that happen.

I love my daughter dearly, but my respect, unlike my love and admiration for her, is EARNED, not freely dispensed while she treats me like a carpet or a money machine. If we don't enforce our household rules, how will they learn to respect the rules of an employer or any other authority figure. It's up to the parents to guide them through this teen period and boy it hasn't gotten easier, but the end result will be worth it.

Vicky - posted on 04/30/2012

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Im glad to see im not the only one banging my head against a wall. My 12 year old daughters a nightmare. She trys to rule everything and her attitude sucks.

Dorothy - posted on 04/23/2012

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Glad to know I am not alone, but sorry that everyone else is going through this, too. It seems like my 12 yo daughter has turned into an entirely different person overnight, and I really hate to say this, but I don't like that person very much. Of course, I love her unconditionally, but I am having to try really hard to "like" her now. Sometimes I laugh about the things she says/does and sometimes I cry. I never went through this myself -- I'm one of those people pleasers you read about -- so I have a hard time understanding how someone who is loved, well-taken care of, and taught Christian morals and values could be so disrespectful. I am trying hard to relate to her and to talk to her, but she won't talk to me without being mean and disrespectful. Taking privileges away, even a spanking or two, and some other punishments have not made a difference. It is like she has NO emotion but anger. Everyone tells me that this is a passing stage and that it is normal, but I am convinced that she needs to talk with a counselor who may be able to get through to her. When I try to talk with her in a calm way, she still won't tell me what is bothering her. I have been praying a lot about the situation and talking with older ladies at my church who have grown daughters to get some pointers. It is good to have someone to talk with who has "been there/done that" and can give advice from that viewpoint. At any rate, I wish you all the best with your children and know that we must be consistent, persistent and above all let our kids know we love them despite how they are acting. Deep down, I know LOVE can win these battles when all else fails.

Dorothy - posted on 04/23/2012

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Glad to know I am not alone, but sorry that everyone else is going through this, too. It seems like my 12 yo daughter has turned into an entirely different person overnight, and I really hate to say this, but I don't like that person very much. Of course, I love her unconditionally, but I am having to try really hard to "like" her now. Sometimes I laugh about the things she says/does and sometimes I cry. I never went through this myself -- I'm one of those people pleasers you read about -- so I have a hard time understanding how someone who is loved, well-taken care of, and taught Christian morals and values could be so disrespectful. I am trying hard to relate to her and to talk to her, but she won't talk to me without being mean and disrespectful. Taking privileges away, even a spanking or two, and some other punishments have not made a difference. It is like she has NO emotion but anger. Everyone tells me that this is a passing stage and that it is normal, but I am convinced that she needs to talk with a counselor who may be able to get through to her. When I try to talk with her in a calm way, she still won't tell me what is bothering her. I have been praying a lot about the situation and talking with older ladies at my church who have grown daughters to get some pointers. It is good to have someone to talk with who has "been there/done that" and can give advice from that viewpoint. At any rate, I wish you all the best with your children and know that we must be consistent, persistent and above all let our kids know we love them despite how they are acting. Deep down, I know LOVE can win these battles when all else fails.

Tracy - posted on 11/02/2011

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Hi Tracy, I hear ya ! I am having a similar scenario with my 12 year old daughter, mostly surrounding her keeping her bedroom & bathroom clean, and a few simple chores on the weekends such as dusting & windexing tables... I am thrilled if I can get her to empty the dishwasher. Just like your daughter, she is amazing with children and loves to babysit. Is hoping to do more of that since she has completed the Red Cross course. My frustration is that once she cleans her room, she can barely keep it clean for more than 1 or 2 days. She must have an issue with hanging things up, or putting things away. Even clean laundry, she will take to her room (unless my husband the push over takes it there for her), and she will leave it sit on the bed, sometimes sleep with it, or let it fall on the floor. OMGosh, at times when she cleans her room, I find clean clothing in her clothes basket that I just washed a few days prior, and I know is not dirty. It's easier for her to throw it in the basket rather than put it away. Another thing, is she is very lackadaysical in picking up after herself... little things pencils here an there which the dogs end up chewing up, nick nacks here and there, etc. I don't work outside the house, but will be soon. Getting tired of working full time at home without pay !! Unlike my husband, I am completely solid in terms of my threats of something not happening if the chores are not done, and she knows this. I'm very consistent. So she will do the chores when she knows she wants to do something, otherwise she knows she will not get to. What frustrates me is having to tell her over and over again to do basic things, and the frustration that she will only do things if there is a "fun event" she may lose out on. I just get tired of constantly staying on her. Does your daughter clean up her room, only to have it in a total disarray within a few days ? I have discussed with her all that Dad and I do and we are all a team, and should do our parts to keep our home clean and tidy. She hears us, but not a lot of action unless it affects her. Why is it so hard to just keep things picked up ? My girlfriend who has very tidy children made them write sentences when they did something they were not supposed to do, such as leave snacks and pop cans in the rec. room. They are now 17 & 18 and they still occasionally have to do it, which they hate ! She said that has worked. She got tired of harping on them about junk in the rec room, and instituted this rule. I too am looking for some advice. My daughter, just like yours is very sweet... a darling young lady, but she is Lazy as they come. She won't do a THING unless she is told to do it, and as far as her bedroom & bathroom... there needs to be a social event she will miss out on, or she won't do it... procrastinates. I hope to get some help and advice too because I want her to take responsibility for her personal areas. She LOVES her room when it's clean... so why does she let it get in such a disarray so quickly. I hope to get some good advice too ! ~Tracy M.

Jeannine - posted on 04/30/2010

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ha, I dont mean to laugh at you. but my 11 yr old is the same way!! i cant get her to do anything!! so your not alone in this. i too can't understand why she throws all her clothes on the floor, makes a huge mess and then walks off to the computer. i tell her to clean up but she say's " later" and it never gets done!! i think i'm going to tell her that if i find anything not put away, i'm throwing in the trash. except i'll put it in a trash bag and put it in the garauge. i think that when she realizes that everything is gone she'll freak but then maybe she'll learn that if she wants it, put it away and clean the messes up. including her clothes. then if things improve, i'll give it all back to her not telling her a had them in the first place!1 sound good?? lets give it a try!! then let me know how yours is doing.

Cyndee - posted on 04/30/2010

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I have a 15 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. I have a good relationship with them but there are times when they have not done what is expected of them. My daughter was at that point around the same age and I thought I would share with you. It is a hard time in their life. The room is going threw the same changes as she is. They are no longer into same toys or clothes. I had to teach her how to start in one area of the room and break it down into smaller jobs. When they are looking at this big mess they don't know where to begin. We made a memory box, give away, sell it, and KEEP! I had to get to the point that it was okay to let go of all the things she did not want. It helped her to develope her style and now she feels it is her room and not a room that I made for her. She takes care of it like it is her own place now.

Jeannine - posted on 04/22/2010

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mine is the same way!! I have no idea what to do. my huseband always gives her money if she wants something instead of earning it!!! thats not teaching anything. at her age i had so many chores and if i didnt do them i went nowhere.

Denise - posted on 04/22/2010

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Appropriate consequences: Respect is earned! If she can't respect her family or you by doing what is asked of her to be a part of a family then you can't respect her desires to be with friends, computer, t.v. or even babysit. She will not ever get a decent job if she can show respect so denying her an opportunity to babysit may show her this.

Have established rules that are followed through regularly. Everyday you do this. When you accomplish this than you may have~time with friends, computer time (and it should be no more than 30mins a day unless homework), t.v. If she can accomplish these things let her babysit again. Make her use her babysitting money for her own wants. If it isn't a necessity stop giving it to her.

I remember having a bad attitude at that age but I also remember just wanting to be heard and not getting that either. She is stuck in the inbetween stage and puberty and that is hard on everyone. But established rules and consequences and a calm demeaner could make for a much happier mom. She will also see that she gets more in life and you will start to enjoy her again.

Carmen - posted on 04/21/2010

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I blame hormones. It seems like the minute they start Junior High they think they are all grown up. I remind my 15 year old where she lives, she is not allowed to have anyone over unless her room is clean, her clothes don't get washed unless they are availabe to be sorted and I explain to her that when she gives me respect she will get respect in return. Otherwise, it's a battle everyday. Remind her that you are the Alpha in the house and there is only room for one Queen.

Athena (Tina) - posted on 04/21/2010

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So if she wants then let her want. Make her earn her wants. Example: she wants to hang with her friends on Friday then the supper dishes are done every other night correctly. If she wants a friend over for the night on Saturday then her room is in absolute order and kept up all week. If she doesn't earn her what she wants then she hasn't got what she wants. This works....I know from experience it does.

Renata - posted on 04/21/2010

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When my daughter leaves things around or her room needs tidying up, I simply ask, "Do you pick up any of my things. or tidy up my bedroom? No? Then I am not picking up your things. Your stuff is your responsibility." As well, when I get the attitude I remind her that when I was growing up, a smack on the mouth was what I got. Now I don't agree with smacking a 12 year-old, but I ask her if she wants me to start doing that. She answers with a very quick no!

Just don't be afraid to be firm. You are the parent not her!

Ashleigh Cockerham - posted on 04/20/2010

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So glad to know I'm not alone on this, my daughter is 11 1/2. I was a stay at home mom, but recently had to go back to work, and I really think she is mad at me 4 it. Shes angry when I have to work late, and most of the time I work 2-11, so I get my kids up 4 school, and dont see them again untill the next day.I also work weekends. Trying to get her to help around the house, and do homework, turns into a big fight.

Shona - posted on 04/20/2010

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Not sure if it's really advice but I can tell you what I do.... I also have a 12 year old daughter and if given the choice she would do absolutely nothing except play on the computer, watch TV and hang with her friends. We have "set in stone" rules and yes they seem strict but they help me keep my sanity! First off mine are only allowed 30 minutes of computer time per day.. a little more if it's school related... They also have daily chores... morning is cleaning up room and making bed (the room shouldn't be too messy since it had to be clean before bed) after school they do homework as soon as they get home and if it's nice outside they can go out, if it's not then they can play indoors or watch TV (TV no more than 2 hours at a time).. after dinner they have another chore (my 12 year old does the dishes) then it's showers and if time they can watch TV until bedtime... On Sundays they have their "big chores".... in my 12 year old's case that means scrubbing the bathroom top to bottom and spotless cleaning her room (vacuuming & dusting). Saturdays are her day.... that's when she can hang with her friends all day if she wants! With mine if their stuff is not done during the week they lose what they enjoy... (ex: if she didn't make her bed that morning, then no computer time....or.... if she doesn't do the dishes, then she doesn't get to hang out with her friends after school until the dishes get done) Sadly with this there is more attitude that will probably come with it until they get used to the rules! My husband is military and with it comes the strict rules and enforcement when they don't do what they are supposed to... they've learned it's a lot easier to just do what we are told than to do whatever creative punishment mom or dad can come up with! It's hard on you as a mom sometimes but if you consistently enforce the rules then eventually they'll stop fighting you and just do it!

Tami - posted on 04/20/2010

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I tell my 11 year old she can go to her friends if she cleans her room. She will always get it done in a hurry and with no fuss.

Marcie - posted on 04/20/2010

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Privileges come AFTER chores are complete. T.v. and computer stay off, she doesn't go out or baby sit.

Nothing goes back on until she does what's expected.

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We don't have a problem but they have been raised having to help and do their part. That is just life for them. They are not allowed on the computer and we do not have television in our home. We just have family movie nights on Fridays where we all watch a family friendly video together and have pizza :) We love it. Our children are home educated so they are each others friends. It works well for us. We have already raised 12 of our 15 without any problems.

Jane - posted on 04/20/2010

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Use emotional blackmail. Explain to her that it makes you very tired doing everything on your own & so when your tired it makes you unhappy & then ask her if she likes seeing mummy unhappy. Stop giving her what she wants!! make her work for it! give her pocket money when she does the chores & only when!

Christie - posted on 04/20/2010

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well what we do with out 14 year old who at times goes thru the same thing, is we limit her time on the computer, her cell phone and even the tv. She has to do homework first thing when she gets home, then she can have half hour of tv/computer before dinner. She then has to do her chores and get a shower so she is ready for bed before getting back on, and even then we limit her time to about an hour at a time. If we get any attiutude from her then it means no tv or computer for the rest of the night or the next day depending on the time of day. This seems to work for us and our girls.

[deleted account]

take things away, like the computer, watching tv, or hanging out with friends. My daughter is 13 & doesn't like to help out around the house either......she looses these things & more when she doesn't...plus no allowance since I have to constantly remind her. if she doesn't put her clothes into the hamper to be washed, no clean clothes for her & don't come complaining to me. I've always made it so she has a choice......she can either choose to listen & do as I ask & get something in return, like watching a favorite tv show, or have something she values taken away. she will rebel at first, but you have to stick to your guns.

Wendy - posted on 04/20/2010

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I wish I had this when my girls were that age! (now 25, 23 and 20 also a 12 yr old son) It would have made my life a lot less stressed, or at least I would have known that others were going through the same thing! This does pass for the most part. I'm still dealing w/ the attitude w/ my oldest but can't wait till she has her own kids and lives my life! My mom's "Just wait till you have kids!" really sticks in my brain. There have been several times when I wrote my mom apology letters when the girls did something I remember doing, lol. Hang in there, find what matters and take it for awhile. Sometimes that's harder to deal w/ (ohh, the comments I've heard from the kids, and several parents!) but it does work. Also, the 2 younger ones learned which rules could be bent and which couldn't so watch which ones you really hold iron clad. I still use the rule of "ask once, if I say I need to think/or talk it over w/ Dad, then leave it be. If you nag that maybe WILL turn into a NO. I even heard the girls tell a friend about it when the other kid told them to ask again. (Made me proud to know that something had sunk in! lol)

Samantha - posted on 04/20/2010

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I have the same problem. I have even given my daughter the opportunity to make money (allowance) for cleaning her room, putting dishes away, ect.. but it does not seem to work at all. I do remember being that age as well and being a down and out slob. What am I supposed to do, punish her? Take her phone away? She needs the phone to call me when she comes home (no land line), or am I supposed to rip the cable line out of the back of the tv so she cannot watch it when she comes home? I am at a loss too. Same thing as far as the "gimme, gimme, gimme" like I owe her something. Although, I raised my daughter on my own since she was 2 so I sometimes feel as though I do owe her.

Tammy - posted on 04/19/2010

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I have the same situation. Asking my daughter to help with dishes or put away her clothing or just tidying up her room is like pulling teeth out of a dog. She used to help without asking, now both myself and my husband have to reminder her of her chores. The answers that I get from my daughter are.."if you would remind me or I do put away my clothes eventually". I myself would like to have answers to your question.

Lita - posted on 04/19/2010

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I would revoke all that she enjoys. My kids do the same and snce I have taken everything that they ike to do away they seem to do what I want. Since everyone has taken our parental right to spank a child whom behaves badly this will continue to happen. We hav lost respect due to the laws that give the children the right to tel us what to do. I have also found a wat to take time out to a new level. I get my kids to kneal down infront of a wall and put there hand on their heads aganst the wall. They only ast for about 2 mins before they say sorry and don't do it again. They know that if they do they will be on the wall knealing. It works and best off all it teaches the kids disaplin with out a smack!

Chenel - posted on 04/19/2010

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She sounds like my daughter. I have taken away everything that my daughter likes. The computer, television and games are not a necessity. If she can't help with the chores, then she can't have those things. My 12 year old is very lazy and I have taken her things for weeks at a time to get her to help with chores. She feels that she should not have to do anything. I have told her that I do not wear her clothes so im not putting them up. I have bagged up her belongings before and kept them for 2 weeks and it increases as long as I have to do it.. Now I tell her if it's on the floor and we are cleaning up im going to throw it in the trash and not replace it.. You have to stick with it though cause if you ease up on her she will continue to do the same things. You have to set some rules and boundaries with her

Angela - posted on 04/18/2010

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My fiance's daughter is the same way. She refuses to do anything, or just ignores us when we ask her to do something. It has gotten to the point that at one time, I would not ask her to do anything and I would do it all. I cleaned her room and put things up where she was unable to find anything she wanted. I even stopped doing her laundry for a week. Once that happend, she seemed to start doing things that were asked of her. We still have problems on occasion, but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I highly recommend that you stop doing things for her for a week, and when she complains that she has nothing or can't find things, explain why, and tell her to start helping out and until she does, you will not help her out.

Mary - posted on 04/18/2010

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Hi Tracy, know it's tough and yes, some of this behavior is "normal" for that age. This is the age that you have to help set limits and boundaries, or you will only be creating bigger problems as she get older. I have a 20 year old who fortunately wasn't to much of a problem at that age, but had her moments. I also have a 12 yr. old who can be very stubborn and defiant if allowed. I've always explained to them the difference between a "need" and a "want". I will always provide everything that is needed, but wants must be earned. My youngest has a cell phone, but there are rules for it. It turns off at 8:30 PM and is put in my bedroom. In the morning if her room is picked up then she gets it that day. If not she gets it back when it is clean. She has to earn computer time each day also, having her homework done is 30 min. and if she tells me she doesn't have any then she must read for 30 min., taking the trash out is 10 min., feeding the cats is 10 min. and so on. Each thing is given a time value ranging from 5 min. to 30 min. On a school night the most she can be on for is 1 hr and a half. On weekends 2 hrs. She can also choose to earn money instead of computer time. Once again each chore is given a dollar value. As for TV she can watch 1 show each evening, unless is a show the whole family is watching or someone is staying the night. She absolutely can't have anyone stay the night if her room isn't clean or if she has things in the livingroom that don't belong there. Both girls know that when they speak to me disrespectfully I will not answer them the next time they ask something. I usually say, "Do you care to rephrase that?" and they usually do. My daughters learned that if their laundry wasn't there when it was time to wash they do it themselves. I had to do it once with my oldest, and twice with my youngest. It is important for their future that you help them set boundries for themselves. Believe it or not they really really want you to. Make time that you and her spend together cuddling, talking, etc. Both my girls still like to come lie next to me and read or talk. I started a journal with each of my daughters at that age. When I need to tell them something and they don't want to listen to it, I write it in the journal (not when your angry) and sit it on their bed, they always have responded back. Also, if they have something to tell me and for whatever reason don't feel they can say it they write it in the journal and put it on my bed. I will answer and return it. It's very important that you keep the communication open between you and your daughter.
I hope this helps. Good luck.

Lavonna - posted on 04/18/2010

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I have the same problem with my 11 1/2 year old daughter.. When asked to get off the computer u would think i asked her to donate her kidney....ITS JUST PAINFUL FOR HER.. LOL

Cheryl - posted on 04/18/2010

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Wow that shocked me to read that when I saw that there are other kids out there that disrespect there parents and give that attitude like OMG you want me to help you do what ? Why but I want to go fishing with my friends or go outside,or get on the computer, there isn't a chance of me getting on my chores how do you get them to do anything for you my 12 yr old son just acts like I didn't ask him to do anything so he goes on to watch T.V or puter or somthing else. I dont know what to do???????? I have finally told him that if you want to go do this than you have to get your chores done I just TRY to sit down and work out a plan and talk it through .

Ashley - posted on 04/18/2010

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It's all about the child. My 12 year old daughter is in that same stage! She's more interested in Justin Bieber than anything else! She loves to babysit and does an awesome job whens he does, but then doesn't want to do anything when she gets home! This is my child that I can reason with. I've stayed on her and stayed on her about cleaning her room, schoolwork, taking care of her braces and anything else you can imagine! She's been fighting with her younger sister and has had an all around bad attitude! After awhile, I noticed that when I nagged her, she got worse. So, I found the right time to talk to her and talked to her like an adult. I explained that privilages require responsibility. To be able to hang out with her older half sister at the movies or skating, or to be able to go shopping or spend the night with a friend, she would first have to take care of her responsibilities at home. If she didn't want me to nag, then do what's expected! This is the second time I've had to do this with her since she forgets after a couple of months, but it's life lessons that I believe are important and I'll continue to teach them as long as it takes! Good luck and I hope you get some great ideas to try and see what works best for your daughter!

Laurel - posted on 04/18/2010

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ah yes.... it's like the terrible twos all over again!!!! With hopefully a little less hollering!!! She's growing into her own person!! And unfortunately attitude is part of that. I have heard of some children who don't go through this, but, I have with all my sibs and my own older children..... I have dealt with it in different ways depending on the child. One way I found that did work for me was, after sitting down with the child and explaining my plan. I would start taking things away, unplug the comp, tv, stereo, ( had to switch the breakers once to keep them off!!) hide favorite toys, books, ( but not comfort items) I explained that once self care and chores were done, things would be returned.... I explained to him/her it was Ok for them to be angry with me for doing this, but, we have to take care of our bodies and surroundings... I agree with the other ladies on here about the fact that you have to get this nipped in the butt now, the teens are coming!!!!!!

Maureen - posted on 04/18/2010

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How about not letting her sit in front of the tv or computer or hang out with friends.......Everyone has things they have to do including mom. I am sure there are things - like laundry, shopping, cooking that you don't want to do. If you don't do them, there are consequences - no one has dinner, clean clothes, etc. What about if you tell her there are certain things she has to do and if she doesn't do them, there are certain things she won't be allowed to do/have. Does she have a cell phone? Maybe you could say that is a privilege and if she doesn't do what she is supposed to do, the cell phone is yours. As far as the attitude, it is tough to deal with but it will pass. I have 2 daughters and sometimes I need to tell them to go in her room and come back when she is in a different mood. Many times that works. Sometimes they just have to be reminded. My daughter likes to have friends over and I usually say - how is your room and how is the basement? Nine out of ten times they need attention and I will say her friends cannot come over until and unless she straightens them up. I remind her too that we all pitch in... Usually works. Ahhhh- teenagers.

Rebecca - posted on 04/17/2010

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The difference between your daughter and my is she doesn't have a computer she can sit at. There's one here but she's not allow on it all the time. She just reads all the time which a good thing bar when u want them to do something

Heather - posted on 04/17/2010

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I wish I did. I am having the same issues with my 12 year old daughter. At least we are not alone, huh? There are times when she cleans up her room by herself, but it is rarer and rarer, and never when I ask her to do it. She is supposed to put all of her clothes away after I do and fold the laundry, keep her room clean, and clean the living room once a week. I cannot seem to get her to do any of it on any regular basis. And the mouth and attitude make me wonder what I have done to deserve her disrespect, although there is nothing I have noted.

Lisa - posted on 04/17/2010

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Okay, don’t get mad…………

What the heck! She is twelve……You still have a few years with her so tuck that baby into shape now.

Okay, I have always felt that you live here what makes you exempt from cleaning. I have ALWAYS felt that way so ever since my children were very young they participated in the house work. I have had the children wish to dishonor my request and pull the ole, I’m not interested in that. My response, your right so I am not interested in this.

I’m not interested in you having the computer, dance classes, that cute sweater in your room or anything else. If you don’t want to keep your room tidy, I will help you. Then I come in with a great big trash bag and start throwing things away.

Children not only must learn to have responsibility but also a spirit of excellence with it. They cannot clean their room because you said, but because keeping their room clean takes care of the things in it. They cannot brush their teeth and leave toothpaste for everyone else to look at or clean, they should clean their own mess for the mere respect of everyone else.

If I make the meal and serve the meal and then eat the meal what makes me exempt from cleaning up after the meal? You should work as a team! Your child needs to understand that how they participate in the home now is how they will participate in the future. How favorable would their boss be to come into their office with them sitting on the phone talking to her friends with her office a complete mess? Think about it. Explain it to her. Your not asking her to do anything out of the ordinary, you are asking her to do the every day.

Yes, chores suck. But, in order to be well developed we must do them as practice for the real world. So for me and my house, chores are not a punishment, and not meant for only some in out house. Chores are part of daily life that need to be done by ALL. If you cant help the home and family by doing your part, and not begrudgingly but with a spirit of excellence, then why as your parent, should I bend over backwards to do mine.

April - posted on 04/17/2010

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My 12 year old is the same! I feel like I do nothing but yell at her. I did spenk my kids when they were little but 12 year old is to old for that. Grounding works pretty good for me. Just take whatever her favorite thing is away from her for a week and she helps for a few days then it starts all over. I am pregnant with my 3rd and was having health problems so I really needed her help and she was still stubborn on most things. But she is really driven by emotion these days, so a guilt trip helps a lot too. It is a tough age but there is no reason she can't help out. Good luck

Linda - posted on 04/16/2010

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You should tell her if you want me to buy you something you have to do these aroung the house,because nothing from nothing leave nothing, if you don't earn it you don't get it. just like you if you don't work for you money noone going to give it to you.

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