need some tips on dealing with the preteen attitude

Latoya - posted on 04/17/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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11 and 12 year old who think they know it all. how to deal with them with out arguing all day

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Tracy - posted on 04/21/2010

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Two words: Don't argue. Arguing with them doesn't do anything except give them a way to negotiate with you. If they can get you entangled in an argument, they know they can wear you down and eventually get their way. Arguing only serves to zap your energy - they can do it all day long, lol! When you put your foot down, and they back talk or start to get you riled up, just say very calmly, "It's not negotiable" or "I'm not going to argue with you" and WALK AWAY. You then have all the control, and they have none. Overlook the door slamming, overlook the foot stomping and eye-rolling. If they speak to you disrespectfully, add on a consequence like taking away a cell phone/iPod/regular bedtime. If they keep up the disrespect, keep adding consequences. They will see that you will not budge. They may be grounded from everything under the sun for a few weeks, but it will show them that you are the boss, and you will enforce the rules. And don't forget to tell them that you love them and that you have rules for that very reason. And smile!

Tammy - posted on 04/20/2010

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Kids these days have more,get more and do more. And sometimes they have to be taken back to the basic...food,shower,books. No electronic including tv and no going anywhere until the respect is showed to everyone in the house. Why should they get and do when they don't deserve it. The problem is when parents say something they don't stick to it. If you say until I see a change they can have things back a little at a time until you know they've changed. And if it starts back up, take it away again. But if you say a week, it has to be a week. If you don't stick to it, they learn quickly that you're a push over and then the begging will begin, if they know...if they beg it will be longer.

Debbie - posted on 10/12/2013

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I found out, after I had raised my girls that PMS symptoms start as early as three years prior to beginning the menstrual cycle. No wonder I had issues with my girls! I found a good book that has some great charts to discover what symptoms are displayed and how often the symptoms occur. It helps the children and parent understand specific times of the month, prior to the period, when they should be on the outlook for bad behavior. There is also a chart entitled Angel/Devil that gives an area to state the behavior then how to make restitution and VIP someone during that time. There is also a "prisoner of war" exercise, that demands the offender and the victim be put together in such a way that compromise is the only way out. By the time the girls graduated from High School, they had learned how to cope with PMS and love each other. The name of the book was From Combat Zone to Love at Home. It also has other great ideas as well as something called the happy face token system for children ages 4 to 13 with adaptations of this idea for teens as well. I would highly recommend it. Here are a some links for examination and ideas.
http://yourethebestmom.com
http://parentingsurvival.com

Maree - posted on 04/25/2010

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Hit the ignore button on this one!! Set the house rules and the Consequences of behavior as a family and have them typed and laminated on every door in the house, when they are not abiding by the rules then tap(no speaking necessary) the said rules and make them read them. If there is a reason to set consequences they choose their own, which still needs to be appropriate for the behavior. Consequences are choosen depending on the severity of the breach of rules and the length of time is set by the parent and needs to be also appropriate, and if you can't follow through till the end then its completely a waste of time.This makes them responsible for their own actions!!!

Sarah - posted on 04/22/2010

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what we are trying at the moment is if she does not talk back/give attitude, then she can go out after school. so far its been working. But I totally agree with tracy, dont argue. I cant stand my daughter and husband when they get into arguements, its like I have to come between two kids sometimes! I never argue with her, she just knows (most of the time) not to with me! I find that she needs something simple like that. just like with bedtime, if she's not in bed by her bedtime she has to go to bed a half an hour earlier the next night. That is working great, took a few rough nights, but now she knows just to get to bed early on her own if she was late the night before.

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Sonja - posted on 12/02/2013

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Hi

WE put down rules and consequences, but our daughters dont care! this will take it as it comes and then go right back to it, help me,, I need this to stop

Jenny - posted on 10/15/2013

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hhmm it takes two to argue for one and you have to pick your battles
i some time can prove im right by asking my parents or going online
with him i tell my son if im right you have to do this and this if im wrong
you can stay up 30 minutes longer or you can all way say im right your wrong go to bed if you want to ague more lol

Brigitte - posted on 11/21/2012

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Hi Moms,

I love all your comments about not arguing, putting your foot down, removing priviledges, etc. But my concern is that he is with his father 1 week on 2 and he comes back totally different. It takes me all week to get him back on track. Then he returnes to his dad, and it starts all over. Also, I have always tried to keep the lines of communication regarding sex open. Lately, he refuses to talk about anything and when I approached the topic of bodily changes, he totally averted the subject. I asked if his father talked to him about it and he answered no. I understand that this is not necessarily a topic a young boy wishes to talk to his mom about, but I don't have a big support group around me and can think on no man that could broach the subject with him. How can I help him because I sense it is eating him up inside.

Thanks for any and all responses.

Brigitte

Milli - posted on 04/24/2010

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I swear 10 is the new 2! I was trying to figure out what I did with my son when he was 2 because that's what I need to do now! I love the advice from Tracy about no arguing with the child! I even had my husband come read the post! thank you for the advice! timeouts and no arguing! Thank goodness I am not the only one with preteen attitude!

Maureen - posted on 04/23/2010

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I totally agree with the no arguing, and to also let them know that you are the parent and sometimes what you tell them is for their own good. I have a 13 year old daughter and most of the time I am telling her who the parent is because she is the oldest of three and she assumes that she can do the parenting role. After I tell her how things need to be, I end up always saying to her that I do it because I love her even though at times that is not what they see when you are demanding things from them.

Marcie - posted on 04/20/2010

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Time outs, yes they are cheesy but they work. 11 minutes for the 11 year old and 12 minutes for the 12 year old.

Removal of privileges also works. Talk with them to ensure that there are no underlying issues. i.e. bullying, crushes gone bad, problems with school work etc.

Melani - posted on 04/19/2010

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Understand! I posted rules & number 1 was no back talking parents/elders...when asked why I told her "I am your mother you may not ALWAYS agree with me & I you but YOU will respect me." Often our children act as we did, their Fathers or another family member & ya also have the combo child who is mom & dad (which is my oldest) so just think about how we were at that age & how ya wish the adults in your life had spoke to you. I have found these teen years to be bumpy but very manageable, my oldest will be 14 in May & so far I have all my hair, lol They may not like having house rules but I found if it's in print mine doesn't complain & most kids follow the written rule better than the spoken (cause they add on & flip it). Good Luck & hope I helped some=-)

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