One best friend

Karen - posted on 03/11/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My daughter has one best friend who seems to think my daughter's world should revolve around her. When my daughter talks to other girls and hangs out with them at recess, her "best friend" gets angry at her and says negative things about the other girls. But the "best friend" also does things like taking her lunch to a table where there's only one chair (when she knows my daughter is right behind her, planning to eat lunch with her), thus leaving my daughter out in the cold. I would love for her to hang out with other girls than the "best friend," and I've told her to tell "best friend" not to belittle her other friends. My daughter is a wonderfully nice, rule-following sweetheart and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings....but somehow getting her own feelings hurt doesn't count. What to do?

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Lori - posted on 03/27/2010

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Not cool. Pretty serious problem. A lot of guidence for your daughter. Perhaps one way to semi sort things out is have a "girl's night slumber party" for the heck of it. Have your daughter invite several girls. Order pizza, have soda and popcorn and an age appropriate movie. When things arise with this little girl, give her positive guidence as well. This will also give you an oppertunity to not only meet your daughter's friends but the parent's of these friends as well. Parents have a tendency of asking,"Was everything okay last night?" This is classic proper etiquitte of, "Did my kid give you any problems last night?" and it's the perfect oppertunity to say, "Well, yeah, we had a couple of issues." It will not only show your daughter that you have the confidence and self esteem but will also bring it to the other parent's attention that there is a problem. If the child's behavior is too unruley, plan another "girl's night" without inviting that particular child in the mix. It not only gives your daughter the oppertunity to interact with a better group of girl's it could presuede her decision on her "best friend". Let's say just for the sake of things that the first "girl's night" was a complete disaster and you've made the decision not to have the girl back in your home. When doing invitations for the next one (I'd set them about a month apart) your daughter questions an invitation for the girl it gives perfect oppertunity for you to say, "Last time there were some problems and I'd like to see you have a better time with this group of girls." Communication is everything. You want your daughter to understand why the decisions have been made. It could be very bothersome later on if these two girls remain friends. It's better to address this now than later.

Suzanne - posted on 03/11/2010

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This is one that they all have to learn on their own, its called not letting people walk all over you..my son went through it, now he says he isn't taken crap from anyone.

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Patricia - posted on 03/30/2012

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I don't know how old your daughter is, but my almost 7 year old son has a problem very much similar to this. Except it's not just a *friend*. It's his [shudder] girlfriend. And she doesn't just rule his life at school either. From the moment my son met her it's been one issue or problem after another and yet my son doesn't listen to anyone but her. Not even me or his dad. This girl is the center of the universe and every thing she says is truth straight from God, it seems. It's gotten to the point where my son is involved in physical fights and poor grades because of this girl. The school does nothing but separate them in class -which doesn't help. He just get's up in the middle of lessons to sit by her and talk to her. I'm actually going to be talking to this girl's mother about it all tomorrow afternoon..... while we attend her birthday party. I know. Wrong place, wrong time, but it's the ONLY time available right now. I'm also planning on switching schools for next year to put even more distance between them, and minimize the chance of him being in the same class as her again (there are other reasons for changing schools, half of which revolve around this girl and the other half is dissatisfaction with the school in general).



Err.. sorry. Wen't off on my little *girlfriend* soap box there. Didn't mean to. Try talking to both girls (if they're young like my son, involve the other child's parent/parents). If all else fails remove the child from the situation (like I'm attempting to do by changing schools.... and school districts. I'm that desperate.) and let the proper people at school know. This is, at it's core, a bully situation. My son's principle and teacher knows the situation and they try to enforce my rules at school, but the teacher is only 1 in a class of 25 kids and the principle has an entire school full of bully situations going on, many being more attention demanding then my son's. And I understand that, but it doesn't mean I am happy about it.

Zoe - posted on 03/29/2012

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tell ur daughter what u think and speak to this frend in private about how to treat ur daughter

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these little girl triangles. My 9 year old is good friends with another girl in her class who is good friends with a little girl in another class. The three girls have some tutoring classes together but the issue comes at recess. The three girls cannot play together without one feeling left out. My daughter and the good friend play, the 3rd girl gets mad and tells my daughters good friend bad things about my daughter. Thank goodness the school has intervened and determined the situation is not getting better so the school counselor is now involved. Why can't girls be friends with everyone without others getting mad. I just don't get it.

Sarah Jayne - posted on 03/29/2010

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Karen,
I too have experienced this with my daughter, you are not alone...!!! My daughters 'best friend' has an attitude to match no other & my daughter has been intimidated by this on occassions but I told her to stand up to this certain individual & she came home after dealing with a situation to do with her birthday & having spoke to this 'best friend' in no uncertain terms (we practiced what she would say the night before & how she would say it) no attitude since, I am glad to say. My daughter plays with with whom she wants, when she wants. Your story is a replica of how my daughter is, not wanting to hurt feelings, etc... tell her to have courage & assure her that standing up to the girl in question will be fine xxx

Tricia - posted on 03/28/2010

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This sounds so familiar. Not only have my kids lived through this, but I did as a girl as well. My mother did the best thing she possibly could have. She sat me and my "best friend" down and talked to both of us about why this was a problem and that it could not continue. I lost the "best friend" because she was "humiliated (her word)", and found out that I had some other great friends just waiting in the wings. If you can't stage an intervention like this, try pointing out to her that trying to make this bossy friend happy is making her other friends unhappy, since she won't talk to them anymore. Good luck!

Jenny - posted on 03/27/2010

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hi i have the same problem with my daughters friends they constantly boss her around speak to her rudly call her names do things so other kids laugh at her ,i have tried to explain to my daughter that the way they treat her is not accaptable but my daughter is scsred to stand up for herself a sthen she will have no friends realy don't knowe how to advice her to stand up for herself and keep her friends as a number of them do it feel they can see she is a soft touch good luck all the best

Tracy - posted on 03/14/2010

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If you feel that your child has talked to her "best friend" about treating her and her other friends respectfully, but the "best friend" is still manipulating her, you can try calling the school counselor to let her work with your child (and the counselor can ask permission of the other girl's parents to work with their daughter, the "best friend.") He/She can teach both girls how to treat people with respect in a non-threatening environment. Most schools have some kind of character education program that counselors use to teach kids about honesty, patience, self-control, and respect. The girls can use role playing or role reversal to help them work out their differences. My daughter once had a little girl who was obsessed with her and wouldn't let anyone else play with her at recess. I told my daughter to just play with other girls any way, and to tell the little girl that she didn't want to play with her today. This helped a little, but didn't stop the problem. So we took it to the counselor, who got them together to show them how to share time with others just like they would share a toy. It worked. That little girl stopped demanding to play with my daughter all the time. In fact, she really only would wave to her from time to time, never really playing much with her any more. That was fine with us!

Theresa - posted on 03/11/2010

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It sounds like this "bestfriend" isn't a friend at all. She's insecure and manipulative. You need to explain this to your daughter. She will be hurting more feelings if she atys with this one friend than if she tells the girl that those behaviors are unacceptable. She should let the "bestfriend" know that she will not allow the girl to treat her like that. And if the girl continues she won't be her friend at all.

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