Out of Control 11 yr old daughter

Elizabeth - posted on 07/06/2009 ( 53 moms have responded )

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Hi, I have an 11 yr old daughter, and for the most part she is wonderful. However, she has thrown temper tantrums (literally throw herself on the floor like a 2 yr old would do), her memory is worse than that of an alzheimers patient, and she doesn't know enough to stop talking back. I know she is having hormonal issues, as she is the age I was when the unGodly happening occurs, but this is way out there, anyone else have similar things and/ or options???

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Damien - posted on 12/23/2013

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Hi all, well my story is a little bit different, I'm a solo dad to an 11 year old girl, 12 next month. Unfortunately or more like fortunately lol I did not experience girly hormones or monthly cycles, so I dont really understand what she is going though. But I have the exact same issues as some of you have discribed. She is disrespectful, she will not do as she is told, she can be violent to her other siblings and mum when she is with them. She has been violent towards me once. She is lazy intidy and unhygienic. If I tell her to do something its always hang on or wait a sec to which it never gets done. Even getting her to shower daily is a nightmare. I do not smack my daughter even tho a lot of times ive wanted to. Ive tried going back to just my legal requirments of food, shelter and hygiene. Ive taken away her phone, tv, no contact with friends etc all to no avail. Im at my wits end what to do. I even got to the point where Ive called the police to come talk to her and explain that if she continues worst case is she will be taken away and put in a home. Weve tried counselling for both me and her, Nothing is working I need help. Is this normal? Is there a medical condition that she has. Im lost and dont know where to turn or waht to do next. HELP

Mary - posted on 07/27/2013

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Stephanie, reading that gave me some hope! My husband and i were beginning to think our family was just uniquely dysfunctional!! Our 11 and 12 year old girls are driving us crazzzzy!! and that's a mild way to describe it! They're good kids at school but at home they're defiant, answer back and know it all! We have tried taking mobile phones away but the effects only last short term. I'm a high school teacher so I'm used to teenagers when they're not my own!! Help!

Diana - posted on 07/26/2011

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Me too!!!! My 11 year old is a wonderful, sweet, very intelligent girl. Her teachers adore her. She is just such a handful at home. I try to remind myself that hormones are horrible. When she seems especially unreasonable (tantrums over little things & snappy) I give her some liquid B-complex vitamins that I found. I suffered from PMDD growing up & didn't know it was any different from regular PMS until about 8 years ago when I was talking to my OBGYN. She suggested B-complex vitamins as well as calcium w/zinc & magnesium for my moodswings & to curb the need to eat everything in sight. I figure that the poor kid is probably starting to feel similar. All she has to do is hold a dropper full of liquid under her tongue for 30 seconds then swallow. It just tastes like sugar. That helps some, but sometimes she just needs a hug or to have the "meanies" tickled away...because if I don't get her to start laughing somehow I'm afraid that I may need to consider eating my young. LOL. Other times I will just let her have her tantrum. When she is calm(er) I try talking to her about what is really bothering her. Just because she's acting like a 2-year-old doesn't mean she's having a hissy-fit for no reason. She just needs to be redirected and identify her feelings. I try tell her that it is OK to be angry, upset, and frustrated, but she can do it in her room and when she is calm she can come out and we can talk about it. Worst case scenario for those really bad tantrums with snot bubbles and screaming, I get out my cell phone & record her in the midst of the floor convulsions. Funny how a little device like that can make them turn off the waterworks.

Sometimes you just have to pick your battles. It's not going to hurt them to let them cry even if it makes you want to pull your hair out. If you have to, give yourself a time-out. I walk outside and stand in the garage for a few minutes until I can calm down & come up with a plan of action (or inaction). There are times with the tantrum is just a call for help & attention. This is an argument that my husband & I have all the time. She is mouthy & backtalks. He feels that he needs to control her & order her out of a tantrum and says that I coddle her too much. I try reasoning with her & talking to her. How do you feel when someone tells you what you "HAVE" to do? Most instinct tells us to rebel. I would rather have her do something I want because she thinks it is her decision. Cleaning for instance will make her start to shut down and try to have a tantrum to get out of it. My solution is that I have a list of things that need to be done. When I ask them to grab a broom & sweep the kitchen & get an attitude, I bring out the list to go over. I let them pick the chores that they want to do (The work load has to be even though) & tell them the things that I will take care of. What they haven't realized yet is that if they would have just picked up the broom like I asked in the first place that would have been their only chore. They are happy though because they got to pick what they wanted to do & feel like they did it because they had a choice. I'm happy because I got extra help w/only half the fight. LOL.

Heather - posted on 07/08/2009

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Mine is turning 13 soon. She has yet to start her period but has had some melt downs lately. I get pretty strict the minute it starts. I find for us that if I give her the look and and say "excuse me, what was that" she rethinks about what she said and rephrases quickly. My husband and I also remind her that rude disrepectful behavior won't be tolerated and remind her that everything but food, clothes and shelter are the only things she Needs everything is a privalege. I think I've only taken her phone away 3 times in the last 1 1/2 years. Things have gotten better but not perfect. I think sticking to our guns has really made the difference. As well as she is shown respect as long as it is given back

Tina - posted on 03/03/2014

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Hi, my soon to be 12 yr old daughter has really got some behavioral issues. I'm talking compossive lying, stealing, yelling, fighting her brothers, not listening, rebellious bad, and throwing fits like a 2 year old. They lost their dad 2011. I understand there is going to be some behavior problems. But she has pushed me, bit her grandmother hit her grandmother, and has tightened her fist like she wants to hit me. She gets worse when told NO. She is a great child or person to be around. Other than not liken to be disciplend or told no. I cant take any more. I am a single parent raising my kids according to GOD's HOLY word. My nerves are shot. Any suggestions.

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Teresa - posted on 03/16/2014

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OMG i thought I was the only one dealing with this issue I am at wits end with her . I do beleave with a good ole butt spanking yes I said spanking not whooping,, but thats not working so I am gonna try something else not sure yet gonna have to think this one out.

Marie - posted on 02/27/2014

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My daughter is 10 and acts like she is 5. She does very well in school and doesn't get in trouble. Once she is at home she is a different person. If she doesn't get her way she pulls her hair, screams, slams doors, and throws things. She back talks and rolls her eyes at us when we're trying to talk some sense into her. She can not see my husband and I hug or kiss because she will attack us. Then she'll say we don't lover her and treat her bad when we discipline her.She tells me I'm not a good mom and that her grandmother is her mom. It's so bad that the stress from dealing with her at home and dealing with work related issues has given me anxiety.

12 Yr Old - posted on 02/11/2014

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Don't worry with TLC not every child is a living nightmare I'm 12 (turned last week) and I survived (with some cool presents) so don't worry

12 Yr Old - posted on 02/11/2014

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Military camp it is really the only thing I can think if for the younger one and the older maybe just TLC I mean if u have tried everything she is ur daughter and this might sound awful but maybe JUVY she needs to get her act together she is heading down the wrong road. Also if u send them out u can get ur marriage back in track , just an idea

12 Yr Old - posted on 02/11/2014

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That's not so normal! Memory loss isn't a part of hormones really and throwing herself on the ground that seems a bit intense I turned 12 last week and I have never had any impulse to do that

Lou - posted on 01/16/2014

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Hello Randle,

Me and my wife are on the same boat, its getting to the point that she is trying to control our family. I my step daughter out this house. When you find the answer please let me know,'

Regards,
Lou Steel

Alison - posted on 01/15/2014

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Damien,
Thank god!! I have found someone with the same 11yr old living in their house. My daughter sounds so much like yours, and I am in total despair.... What on earth can we do? Everything is such a challenge, she has no friends, she's rude, behaves like a 6 yr old when things don't seem fair. It's generally a nightmare!!!

Jane - posted on 12/17/2013

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Tips for my 10 and 11 year olds? Great at school, very polite to people, great socially, but out of control at home. She makes good grades at school and so teachers have never had any negative feedback. When she's home, she has horrible meltdowns, hits, screams, hits walls, slams doors, extremely disrespectful to me and my husband. And yet...she also has a complete 180 turn around once she's done with her fit. Sooo nice! Very helpful. I'm do sick of the screaming and negative vibe in the home. I feel so alone with this.

Jenny - posted on 09/20/2013

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wow i have a 9 month old girl really is this what id have to look forward to ???? cause i have a son to hes 10 but man i dont remember ever being aloud to be rude and disrespectful to others and to hit my mom man i think people r letting there kids get way with way to much and i got my ungodly/ friend at 9 years old, i know everyone takes it different but theres a point were its to far u as a mom need to teach ur girl she cant be like that cause no man or person will want them if ur girls r that bad take them to the doters cause thats way out of hand and im sure u and ur mom and her mom didnt act like that either

Autumn - posted on 09/09/2013

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10 year old daughter is soooo rude. Back talking, screaming, defiant, sarcastic, slams doors, hits walls, and occasionally hits me. I'm 30 weeks pregnant. Nothing weird is going on at home or at school. She brings me to tears all the time and she stands back and smirks. I REFUSE to get her a phone, and I'm taking her t.v. away today. She doesn't understand the difference between parent and child and it drives me crazy! Help me!

April - posted on 08/07/2013

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My 11 year old has been like this for a couple of years now....doctors said ADHD so we tried meds but she lost so much weight and would never smile so we took her off of them after 2 months... she is horrible at home but great at school and in public....I don't know what to do anymore....her father and I fight about her all of the time and I am worried we are gonna split up because of her! HELP

Stephanie Kay - posted on 07/24/2013

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my ten year old is doing the same thing,I try the ignore technique if nothing else works, I will start vacueming, works every time,the noise of the vacuem drowns out sound ,and my house is spotless certain weeks ha ha,good luck to you,also right before bedtime is great conversation time to let her know she can use her words to share why she is screaming or tantruming at times,excersize is great, going for a walk,and making something to eat together,sharing a meal is calming and it opens up conversation on why they are so upset.

Andrea - posted on 04/20/2012

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I have twin daughters! Mind you they are very good, they do have mood swings, can be miserable. What we do is chat about how they are feeling, how if they feel like crying, then do it! I try to be honest and open with them, ready for a cuddle when they need to cry. Remember who is the adult, shouting won't help, time out does, when you say go to your room and come back when you feel better or are ready to chat. I am trying to be as open and available, as I remember how I felt and had no support.

Ann - posted on 07/25/2011

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Hi. I have a daughter who just turned 12 last week. She's a straight A student, has lots of friends but she got her "friend" when she was 10 like I did. She has serious PMS. She doesn't throw tantrums but she is so disrespectful and says whatever comes to mind without thinking first. I have tried parenting with logic such as explaining to her why she should not be talking back, etc. This does not work for me. So finally, I got fed up over the last few weeks. Tempers have been high since school let out for summer break. I am now punishing her by taking away her cell phone and not allowing her on the computer to converse with her friends. This seems to be working. You need to find something to take away that will make her suffer the consequences of her actions. My friends have all been telling me since my daughter was 6 that things would get better. Really? Good luck.

Jenny - posted on 07/29/2009

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my daughte rdoes the same she a 11 also, with a big attitude . Thinks she knows it all. Talks back ans so on, and the boys

Geralynn - posted on 07/29/2009

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i know what your going thro i have the same issues and she blames it on me not spending enough time with her but i do

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give her a choice act 11 or 2, if she is acting like 2 treat her like she is 2 it want last when she has to be in bed at 6pm. if she is upsetting the family tell her to go to her room , strip her room of her stuff so there is a bed and make her earn it back it worked for my now 14year old

Sharron - posted on 07/24/2009

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u dont know what to tell you. I am having the same problem with my 10 year old. I keep telling myself this too shall pass but, when? Then there are the times when I say I must take control I cannot allow her behavior to disrupt my household. That's when there is war. All I can say is that it wont last forever.

Teresa - posted on 07/24/2009

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I feel everyone's pain as well my 11 year daughter is just the same.. rolling of the eyes, shrugging of the shoulders, I dont care, You cant do that,(This is when i tell her she cant do something). Always hitting on her little sister and calling her names, which she just did and left a big red mark on her leg. Iam at wits end right now I cant take anymore. I just dont know what to do she has lost everything she enjoys but it doesn't seem to matter to her..When she gets in trouble she tells us that she hates this family and wants out..I am the one that has to be the "Mean" one, I have to do the punishments, and grounding. Iam just so stressed right now I just want to leave and never come back..That is just my feelings with dealing with all this right now but I know I cant give in to them or things would be worse...Ok Iam done now. Please any help..

Eileen - posted on 07/16/2009

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I feel your pain. I have an 11 year old too. She is actually a wonderful child...smart...athletic...goal-orientated...friendly...beautiful...but when she doesn't get her way...OH MY GOD! She gets attitude, she is lazy, rolls the eyes, etc. I don't know what to do either.

Karen - posted on 07/16/2009

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hi my daughter is 11 and because i have my neices kids who are i and 2 she thinks its ok to have a dummy its always in her mouth she looks so stupid,when its school time she puts it some were were she knows were it is,but her tantrums and mouth is appauling when will this stop.

Althea - posted on 07/15/2009

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Well i am truly blessed my daughter is 14 1/2 yrs and she is good, never hit her from she was born the only problem is sometimes she is lazy but otherwise she makes me proud

Bernadette - posted on 07/15/2009

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Just tell her to go to her room and make sure you scream and stomp and slam your door too! When you tell them its okay they don't want to do it. Tell her if she wants to be treated like a two year old you have no problem with that either, if she sees you get upset at all then she won, and won't learn, they need to own the consequences to their actions. If she comes back out still grumpy smile and say "Oh-Oh someone still needs to go find her happy place, I'll see you when you are feeling happier, okay" physically place her in her room, make sure to appear un-phased and happy.

Laura - posted on 07/14/2009

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honestly I'm having the same problem with my 13 year old. The best thing I've been doing is logical consequences. She mouths back she get's physical punishment. No not beating her, she has to do 5 pushups. Then if she has to have the last word or continues with the attitude 5 more are added. Eventually it isn't worth it for her to have the last word if she has to pay for those comments with pushups. She throws a fit and breaks something then logically i say ok I won't buy you any more of those if you don't appreciate what you have. One time she got ticked and ripped up a notebook that she had been working on school work in so as a result of destroying it she had to recopy what was written on those pages on fresh pages. She didn't like it too much but her actions were required consequences.

Julie - posted on 07/14/2009

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My daughter is 12 and I feel your pain. She's generally a good kid but OMG she goes from 0-60 in wench mode. Answering back telling me to get out of her room and life,then goes into couch potato mode. I find the best thing for me to do is walk away then approach her and try to talk about it later. Usually she wants or needs something from within a couple of hours and thats when I try to have a conversation with her. If she's still nasty I start taking away things that are important to her.(phone, time with friends, soccer practice or games is the one that usually really works! )

Sheri - posted on 07/13/2009

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My son has never had throw on the floor tantrums but certainly has talked back. i have found therapy and a behavior plan helpful.

Natalie - posted on 07/13/2009

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Yes !! About a year agomy sweet angel India turn into a complete monster with claws and all . Unfortunatly for her I'm more stubborn than she is . She's tried to pull the "but I didn't know routine" then I say okay well "I will help you remember...your grounded and you have yard duty :)".I thought my daughter would stay grounded for the rest of her life! Eventually she got the point and got tired of being on restriction,doing essays and picking up trash .The light at the end of a long,long,long tunnel fianlly came into view after a year of insanity . You have to hold your ground and don't give in .Let her throw a temper tantrum and make a fool of herself but then let her know there's a consenquence if she goes on like that .Make her responsible for her actions .Hormones don't give you the right to make everyone miserable with your behavior.Good luck!!

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Preteens are hard...I have a 12 year old who is also a great girl. There are times when I just allow her throw her tantrum (like she did when she was 2)...when the tantrum passes, I make an effort to talk about what could really be going on...more than likely she hasn't even sorted it out. Tweens are torn between still wanting to be young or having more authority. The best thing I can say to my daughter is "Even if I can't understand the way you are feeling, I feel compassion for what you are going through" When things settle sometimes I just say "no matter how angry upset your are with me, I will always love you"...It is a rough time and we need to pick our battles carefully. ...oh yea, there is a book by the title "You just don't understand" it is good for parents...also my daughter loves the Chicken soup for the Teen soul" You are not alone! Good luck...try discussions in the car where they can't escape...some of our best talks are in the car.

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My 11 year old daughter is exactly the same, with tantrums etc, body developing and cheekyness. The one thing I have noticed though...she doesnt act like it in front of her friends!! So dont be fooled! They are controlable and they can be reasoned with, its just that you have to softly catchy monkey now hehee

Maria - posted on 07/12/2009

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My daughter was having problems too, but no throwing herself on the floor like a baby is not acceptable.. I would have a heart to heart with her, and if not then speak with a doctor maybe something more serious is happening...

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2009

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I have a 12 year old daughter, and she can be a handfull. I take her to a counceling once a month and they work on technics for her to use to calm herself when she gets up set, and also talk about consequences. Sometimes I think hearing it from someone other than her dad and I gets through to her better than anything I have tried. I have also learned that if you have a set of rules and stick to them no matter what she knows that if she crosses that line she will have a consequnce. At first she acted out even more but now she is doing much better. Just don't give in !!

Leslie - posted on 07/11/2009

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My daughter is a very sweet caring wonderful young lady almost turning 10. I'm an at home mom. I too fee (especially after having a boy to notice the BIG differences) that she acts the SAME way as your daughter! My girl is ALWAYS complaining about EVERYTHING! (I'm hot I'm cold I don't want to ---& yes she falls down on the floor & throws a fit too over dumb little things!! And yes when I ask her to be quiet & explain everything she doesn't know when to hold her tongue especially when it's between her brother & I she always has to add her "motherly" 2 cents worth to make matters worse for me & upset her little brother even more!! Not to compare but my 6 yr old boy has to explain things to my almost 10 yr old daughter!! She seems like she's in her own little world & if I ask her to do something I always have to repeat it & she still seems like she's never sure what I mean!! Must be a girl thing my niece who's 15 acts the same way --yet her brother doesn't. Who knows !! I remember my mom always saying "You just wait till you have your own kids somesday" She must have felt the same way (& I didn't even think I was that bad. Keep on praying about it, & eventhough it's tough sometimes just remember that they will eventually grow up--just keep on helping them along & try to laugh & make the best of every situation.

Karen - posted on 07/11/2009

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omg im having the same experiences. so difficult, im trying to ignore them and she then feel sorry for her bad moods

Carol - posted on 07/11/2009

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I've got one of those! She's a delightful girl...as long as she's happy. lol I know this. Those "tween" years are so hard on them and I try to remember that she doesn't understand what's happening to her with these hormones and such. What works for us is to ignore her yelling meltdowns and then when she's calmed down we talk about her behavior. That's really hard for me. I'm all about respect and won't tolerate much else. But I've learned that consistency and follow through is key with her. For example, she was a major door slammer. When she got made, heavens to betsy, she'd slam the door to her bedroom to make the house shake. Knowing this is not a habit that will benefit her in the future or my door jams now, I told her that she'd have to find a better way to express her anger and that if she slammed MY door one more time, I'd take the door off the hinges. She slammed it two days later and the door came off the hinges. I let it stay in her room beside the door jam for one week. She begged for that door back...privacy is a key at that age...finally I put the door back up. It's been up a month now and she hasn't slammed it. Instead, she'll get very angry and stand at the door and swing her body saying, "slam, slam, slam.: lol then she goes to her bed. Now, when I say I'm going to do something, she's pretty sure that I'll do it.

Now, that being said, patience is something I'm not big on. I'm the mother who says it and expects it to be done, but I'm learning patience and she's learning self-control.

Oh yeah, the memory thing...that's quite normal as well at that age, and what's worked with me is to tell her something and then say, "Now, what did I just say." That way, she has not excuse when she has to suffer the consequences of something not being done. I find that most of the time, it's not her memory, it's her lack of attention.

Good luck, we'll get though this!

Felecia - posted on 07/11/2009

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when she is throwing her tantrums, you join her doing the same, she'll think your the crazy one and think if she looks that silly and may start doing some inner thinking. Do not tollerate tantrums, by doing so, some kids think theyre getting their way and it sometimes developes into physical abuse. I did this to one of my own and she still talks of it today.

Jenny - posted on 07/11/2009

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i try not to put up with my daughtters backchating and temper tantrums either i also send her to her room and ground her but she still does it i know she quite hormonal at present which does'nt help she can also be quite spiteful to her younger sister we find that havin what we call sister time where they have one night a week that they do stuff together ie watching dvd and havin pizza toghether helps we also get them to talk to each other about what is botheren them about the other person then c if we can come up with a solution that seems to help a great deal all the best of luck im sure things will improve over time

Linda - posted on 07/11/2009

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I don't put up with my 11 year old back talking. I send her to her room or ground her from friends and tv. But she is such a bossy know-it-all with her younger brothers that it is driving me crazy. She can't be spared a single nice word to either of them. I know sibling rivalry is to be expected but I don't want them to grow up hating each other.

Shirlz - posted on 07/10/2009

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As a mom of seven girls, youngest is 14, I have to tell you that this is pretty much what happens at this age. My sweet little girls turned into monsters at 11!! The good news is that it passes and eventually you have your daughter back. I think from 11 to 13 is pretty much the pits with girls!! lol Hang in there and just know that she probably doesn't know herself why she is so moody herself. I did make sure not to make this behaviour "rewarding" for them. Many times they would apologize when they calmed down and that helped me to know they realized how out there they were behaving!

Jenny - posted on 07/10/2009

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my daughter is ten and everything with my daughter is the same it is hard work sometimes i feel like all i do is tell her off and there is no time to spend doin nice things together it makes me feel as if im being horrible all the time so i totally understand how u feel its very frustrating how i long for that relationship i had when she was younger

Leanne - posted on 07/09/2009

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I just read everything that my 11 year old daughter AND 12 year old son are going through. They are only 11 months apart and can no longer get along much. They used to be so close, not anymore. Hormones, on both sides are driving us all nuts. And my son, he hasnt yet hit that growth spirt so his sister is a bit taller. Oh may, what a chaotic time we have with that one.
We will all get through this. Remember, what doesnt kill us only makes us stronger.
Oh yeah, I also remember my mom telling me once, or cursing me. that she hoped I would have a daughter just like me...lol...I guess I do!

Nicky - posted on 07/09/2009

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Ahhh the joy of pre-teens and teenagers! My 12yo (coming on 21) son is also going through the "I know everything" stage and the "attitude" stage. Most days he's a darling, some days he's the devils child. I know hormones are starting to rear their ugly heads, so I have been making sure he has lots of fresh fruit and veges. I've also put him on vitamin's, omega 3 etc. For you mums with girls (god bless you all) you need to persever, Omega 3, Evening Primrose all those things that will help those hormones. Go ask at your local pharmacy what you can give them to help :) Best of luck to us all, we'll get there *thumbs up*

Sandra - posted on 07/09/2009

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I also have an 11yr old & aside from the tantrums this all sounds very much familiar! Taking away priveliges and not tolerating the disrespect helps, as well as trying my best to not take it "personally". Hearing more & more Mom's describing the same behavior let's me know were not alone. This too shall pass :o)

Paula - posted on 07/08/2009

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yes me too. my daughter is nearly 11 and constantly answers me back, she can be rude and very babyish at times. her behaviour gets out of control pretty often, nice to know it's just not mine like that

Charlotte - posted on 07/08/2009

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oh yes, my eldest daughters also 11 and i cant beleive her behaviour l8ly. not listening, answering bk, cant b bothered 2 do anything, tantrums & cheekyness& being vry nasty 2 her younger sister :-(

i know she's all hormonal 2 as her body is changing & she has had her periods started 6 months ago now but i really dont remember being that horrible when i was younger, im worried that she's giong 2 get worse b4 she gets better as she not even a teenager yet & is starting secondary school in september. i cant handle her now!!

Maya - posted on 07/08/2009

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Yes, my 10 year old daughter throws tantrums like a 2 year old whenever it doesn't go her way. She is very emotional and a total drama queen. I find it very challenging and exhausting. I will take her to counseling next week. We will see if that helps!!!!

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