Pregnant with my second child 13 years after having my first.......

Stephanie - posted on 08/04/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I hope that I can explain this clearly so that you can understand where I am coming from. My son will be 13 when I have my new baby and we are all very excited about the baby but I can't help but feel like I will not love and bond with this child as I did with my first. With my first son it was always just him and I and we have such a close bond and we get along so well and have such a blast with each other and I think that is because it has always been just the two of us. Now that I am married and am having another baby and I just don't see how I could ever be that close with the new baby. This will be my husbands first child and I know that he will be completely hands on and I won't have as much time with the baby. Also, I have a much better job now so we have decided to send this baby to daycare. So there is even more time out of the day that I will not have to bond with the baby. When I had my first child I became a nanny so that I could spend the first 2 years with him. With this baby I will only have 3 months. I just scared that I won't bond with and love this baby as much as my first son. Am I totally hormonal? Has anyone else been through this?

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GF - posted on 05/30/2013

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Hi I know this is a pretty old conversation but I was trying to research whether to have another child after 13 years and this was one of the closest things I can find. My husband and I have a 13 year old son and I am going to be 42 this year and always wanted another child, but never seemed to be the rite moment. Now I'm thinking its now or never and my husband is stay at home dad so kinda seems to be a better moment. I dont know if I should... starting over, my son is happy being an only child(obviously though not his decision) but worried about him and how it will affect him and the unknowns I might have forgotten myself. I'm trying to think of all basis and pros and cons but dont know that I have them which is why I researched but unable to find anything except this conversation. Hopefully someone will see this and have some input for my thoughts, I would appreciate it.

Heather - posted on 08/20/2009

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i've got 4 kids, the 2 eldest are not my husbands. my youngest was 6 when my husband and i had our daughter together, i didn't even think that i would not bond with her as i had bonded with my other 2 immediately. subconsiously i think i took a back seat as this was my husbands first child and he was head over heels in love and wanting to do everything, experience everything i had already experienced. i dont think it was until she started toddling that i realised that we hadn't bonded. she never wanted me and would push me away if i tried to comfort her at all. it was devastating.

i vowed to devolp a bond between us and worked, she's now 7 and jokes that we are parners in crime [when we pick on daddy - he loves it].

there were other factors of a difficult birth and not being able to hold her for 8 hours after birth that probably contributed.

I hope this doesn't make you worry more. what i'm trying to say that just because it's your hubby's first try not to take a back seat, sometimes relationships need work and if is the case you can work on it. You'll be mother and baby and will always love and be loved.

we've just had our second child together and i've not took a back seat this time. he's started reaching out for me and it's fab.

by the way it was my hubby that was the one who was working so that should effect your bonding too much hun, just make sure you shower him/her with attention when you get in.

your son is at an age that he can help out which is a plus.

i'm going to end it there cos i've started to ramble lol... everything will be fine DON'T worry chick xxxxx

Sue - posted on 08/12/2009

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I had a third baby when my daughter was 14 years old. There is such a big age difference that this baby will be like an only child. My kids were all 7 years apart and each felt like they were only children. It was good! I remember milestones clearly; my friends don't remember as well because their kids were close together. There are pros and cons to everything. In this case the pros far out way the cons. This baby will have 3 people doting over it. You'll not be as frustrated because along with the experience you've gained, you also have more hands to hold the baby and help with other things. The bonding takes place right away and it is amazing how much love we have inside. When you hold that little warm body next to yours and hear those cute baby sounds your heart will swell and you'll wonder how you ever existed without this beautiful child!
And, Yes, you are mor than likely a little hormonal. A big hug to you and I don't know where you live but I wish it were close so I could babysit!

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Cheryl - posted on 08/19/2009

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You will be fine. I had my first boy and said that I would never have another as I couldn't love another so much as my first born.
Well, what a surprise with the next boy I loved him as much. We mothers have a great store of love to give in our hearts and each child will be loved as much as the previous one. You shouldn't have these negative thoughts because the situation has not arisen yet so how do you know how you will feel. That is the trouble with humans they imagine the problems before the event and when the event happens it is totally different to what one imagined.
You will bond with this baby. I had an 18 year gap and now have a wonderful daughter who is now a teen. I have never regretted it.
Just loosen up you will be great and just imagine the family dynamics once the little poppet appears.
Everyone will adjust.
Cheers Cheryl from Australia

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every mother feels the same way about their second child, what you have not said anything about is you son is going to be hanging out with his friends alot more now that he will be 13 which doesnt mean you two wont be close but you will have more time for new baby

Michelle - posted on 08/15/2009

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Congratulations!!! From a kids point of view. Well, I'm 29 and my sister is 15! My mom felt the same, but that little girl got more love than she would have though because she had older sisters! My mom is just as close to her as she is to me and my sister feels like she has four moms, because she has three sisters 11 years older and up from her age. So I make and extra effort to fight like a teenager with her. Makes her feel more normal, even though my oldest is about to be 11.



I have no doubt your bond will be just as strong with this baby, even though it will be in daycare. It doesn't matter about that, because you will find each moment you spend with it just as precious as you do with your older child and in the end, that's all that matters. Have fun with the baby and your 13 year old. Don't let the hormones get you down and Good Luck!!!

Terri - posted on 08/14/2009

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It is normal. I have a 9 month old and a 10 and 11 year old so there is an age difference and I was very worried about the reaction from my older ones but now that she is here they absolutely love her and they cant imagine their lives without her!

Dawn - posted on 08/14/2009

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My oldest us 16 and my youngest is going to be two it is a big change..but they get along fine..problems at first because of age diffrence but now there cool

Candi - posted on 08/12/2009

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I have remarried too.My son is 16 and my daughter is 18mos.The bond with my son is amazing! The bond with my daughter is just as amazing! Don't worry you will love and bond with your next child as you did with the first! Good-luck! and don't forget to find time to relax!!

Elena - posted on 08/12/2009

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simply put you love each child differently- not more or less- just differently- you will love this one with as much passion - i had my kids 10 years apart and it was great!!!

Kate - posted on 08/11/2009

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Congratulations on your pregnancy Stephanie. What you're feeling is completely normal. I had been a single parent from my elder son being 18 months. I remarried when Oliver was nearly 10 and by the time he was almost 11 he had a baby brother. I worried that I wouldn't love my younger son the same, but when he was born I felt all the maternal feelings exactly the same as I had with Oli.

It is a bit of a balancing act still, as Oli has to realise that he now shares my time. But, he loves having a baby brother. Both myself and my husband try to have seperate time with Oli. For example, if Alfie is at nursery and Oli is off school, I'll take Oli out for lunch, or to the Cinema etc, so he still feels valued.

Alfie is my husband's first biological child, and I would have to say it's easier 2nd time around. Partly because you know what to expect and also because my husband spends time with the children, which makes it easier.

Hope this helps, Kate x

Brenda - posted on 08/08/2009

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You will be just FINE, don't overthink it.. Just remember that all your plans may change. Include your son (my son is 13 as well, and is a loving, nurturing older brother although not too keen on changing diapers) in as much of the child care as possible but make clear from the beginning that it's a joy, not a job, to help out with the baby and don't foist chores off on him if he resents them.

Jeanette - posted on 08/08/2009

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My daughter is ten and I just had my 3 month old, it's always been me and her, I actually had my tubes tied and still got pregnant, I was very happy because my husband didn't have any. With my first I had to go back to work but with this baby I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mom. You will bond with you baby as soon as you see it just like you did with your son, and love him just as much. I just make sure I take the time to listen and talk to my oldest and try to do something special with her often so it's just me and her having some one on one, just try my best to be the best mom I can to each child, even though you will be so busy with work and home stuff and school stuff just make sure to leave some special time for each child to have some mommy time, hope this helps : )

Wendy - posted on 08/05/2009

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the love will flow so don't worry about that. Just make sure that your son is involved as much as he wants to be...and then some. It might be hard on him to first share you with a new step dad and now a baby. My mom got married when I was 10 and had my sister 11 months later. My stepdad adopted me so that was really cool and I had always wished for a baby sister. My brother was born almost 2 years later and I love him to pieces too. There were times that I felt a bit envious that they got things that I had to miss out on since money was so tight when I was little but overall things are great. Now I'm the one that they call when they need some advice on their kids. My daughters are almost 25, 23 and 19 and my son is 11.

Dianne - posted on 08/04/2009

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Yes i think its normal :) I felt that way with my 3rd child. I was pregnant at the same time as my daughter. So i was also wondering how was i going to bond with my 3rd one while at the same time trying to bond with a grandchild :) plus my 2nd one was 10yr. But once they were born i just loved them & tried to bond with them evertime i held them :) In other words your maternal love for your baby will shine through in all this . Goodluck to you all :) & just take your time &relax through it all.

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