Preteen daughter. HELP!!!!!

Alicia - posted on 05/29/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My daughter is almost 12 and she's hitting that female change part of her life. She's also and ADHD child and has a mind of her own. I have had to be very strict with her up bringing because of her attention problems but it just seems to get worse as she gets older. She's become more of a rebel in the last year than I remember being at that age. Is there anything that I can do to help her or get her to stop being so stubborn about her body? We've had the talk about the changes she is going through and the ones she's still yet to hit yet but it seems that she's all into the baby thing and having her period. Petrified! I'm not ready to be a grandma at 40. And yes I did say she's 12...don't know if that is normal either with the boy crazy. I'm a single working mom and I just recently went back to college. I live with my mother and brother but that don't seem to help any, when they let her off the hook for things she knows she's not suppose to be doing. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

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Don't have any advice other than to make sure you keep yourself sane by doing what you need to do for you. My step-daughter is the same age, and is also ADD (the opposite...not hyperactive, but lots of staring off into space, hates getting interrupted, and major behavior issues). Sending you strength. Her mom is a single-mom as well (so was my mom), and I tip my hat to you all.

Krystal - posted on 06/03/2010

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my daughter is almost 12 and going thru her changes to i talked to her counselor and she said the boy crazy is normal i take away her cell phone and ground her from her friends and that usually works

Susie - posted on 06/03/2010

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It is no wonder that she is off the scale with those new and changing hormones racing through her veins. Of course this will make the opposite sex more interesting to her than we perhaps would feel comfortable with as mums! You could take a look atv this for some help for her on the changes and how they affect her, how her body will change ( just like all girls becoming young women, she is no different) other than she suffers with ADHD and that is double tough for her. I found this site which may be a help too about ADHD and puberty. Keep loving her, she needs to always be certain of that emotion from the people she is to feel secure with.

http://www.natracare.com/p88/en-GB/For-P...
http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/1443...

Lisa - posted on 06/03/2010

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Going through therapy will help wonders! Therapy for you separate from her and therapy for both of you. It helps you to learn to help her through this time of her life. then you can both work together. She will learn to deal with feelings that she is having at a very young age and why she is having these feelings. We as parents are raising the entilted age of children. My family and I have been in therapy with our daughter for some of the same reasons. We have learned alot about her age group and how to raise her. She hated going at first but now that she knows she can say anything she wants in confidence she loves it! We will never just give up on her! We love her and will do anything to help her. If money is an issue or no insurance there are Therapists that will work with you on a sliding scale (which means they will make a co pay depending on your paycheck.) Its a great way to help her and yourself understand what she is going through and she will thank you for it! she will have the tools to grow up the best way you can give her, because lets face it we as parents don't know all there is to know about ADHD and compulsive behaviors. Kids are truly growing up in an entirely different age than we did.

Angela - posted on 06/03/2010

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I have a daughter that will be turning 13 in July, and i have to be very stick with her, and that includes the Grandma, Uncle, Aunts,cousins, that let her do what she wants. I won't even let my daughter out the front yard, now that she is at that age she needs to first get guidence from me and how a young lady should act. I know that she will not at all times at like the young lady I want her to, but with her knowing how I expect her to act, hopefully she will not cross the line. Keep doing what you are doing as far as being strict, this day and time more parents need to be like that. And talk with your mom and brother about letting her get away with things

Chris - posted on 06/03/2010

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I can speak from experience, my daughter just turned 13 in March & has ADHD. About the age of 10 her Dr started talking to her about her period & explained that is's something she'll have to live with most of her life so don't be afraid. We sat together & watched the TV show Secret Teen or Secret Life of an American Teenager where a 15 year old gets pregnant & the consenquences of what happens being a teen mother & having sex so early. I don't know if it's out ou DVD yet, but if you could find it that would be a great hour of mom/daughter time. I'm sure you could spare an hour every couple days for her. As for family helping, write down a list of do's & don'ts for her and post where others can see it & she will know that they know she is to stick by these. I did that when I went to work evenings and daughter was home with her dad & brother, even if they didn't bother telling her it was bedtime, she saw what time she had to be in bed & was. Her routine hasn't changed much since elementary school, home, snack, homework, dinner, then television or computer for a while & bed. I have her bedtime at 900 during school, but Fridays is whenever & Saturday by 1000. She also takes her ADHD meds with breakfast & I found a weekly pill reminder (the ones you put pills in once a week and has the days of week on it) woks great for both of us.
Good luck and any questions just ask. Chris

Alicia - posted on 06/02/2010

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She knows about preteen mommies as I was one myself. Had her just before I turned 18. And most of my friends are early mothers as well. She's heard the stories, and we are open about everything now that she is old enough to understand more. I was never a firm believer in not hiding anything from her. And so far it's not lead me wrong, just wasn't sure how much to tell her at what age. I don't want to lead her to believe that she is going to be doing a lot of things and then one day ends up telling me I'm going to be a grandma. Thank you for responding and being honest with me everyone.

Bette - posted on 06/02/2010

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I would have to agree with Anne, give her the facts about things she is doing. Maybe letting her speak to teen moms, so that she realizes teenage guys are not likely to stick around if she gets pregnant. I have had these conversations with my soon to be 16 year old daughter and it kills me to say but she is having sex, but she also has come to me for condoms and birth control. We also go monthly to the doctor for examinations and testing for any sexually transmitted diseases. She is a good girl and uses protection, but this is not always 100% affective. As parents all we can do is hope and pray we have raised them correctly and that they will follow our direction. My daughter knows that if she gets pregnant I will support her, but she will go to school and finish her education, but after school and work she will not go out partying and leave me to raise her child. My saying to her has always been, "If you play then you pay. Your child, your responsibility." She knows what it takes to take care of a baby, as I have allowed her to babysit her younger cousins in the house. She was the one to feed them, comfort them, change diapers, even getting them to sleep.

Alicia - posted on 05/31/2010

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I'd quit school and my job to make sure she gets my time. We've had it rough the first few years of her life and it's starting to lighten up but not sure if I gave her everything she could ask for. Being a single mom and working all the time to support her has taken alot of my time away from home. My family helps me alot not with her and that is the good thing...they do alot of the stuff that I had to do on my own and I get to spend more time with her. But with her ADHD I've had to be on the strict side as her attention span isn't that far. But I'm working on it. Thanks for the input.

Anne Marie - posted on 05/31/2010

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I have a teenage daughter and know what you are going through. My daughter is 15, almost 16. I also have two son's With health issues that include ADHD. I have told my teenagers. I don't want you to have sex, do drugs drink alcohol. However if you do I want to know about it. This has worked well with my son with ADHD My daughter doesn't quite adhere to this but she knows I am willing to listen. I tell them I want to know for health reasons. When they do open up to me I don't freak out and nag, they already know how I feel. I would rather know they have had a few drinks and stumble around because of it than wonder if they fell and hit thier head. Keeping the open communication is most important. The other thing I have told my kids is "you are a teenager, you will make mistakes, make poor decisions, trust the wrong people and go places you should never have gone, just tell me so we can work out if there is a way to decrease consequences of these decisions we can work on them together." I would rather know tonight that she took a drink she thinks could have been spiked with who knows what in this day and age than find out a week or a month down the road when it is too late to get the medical help she should have gotten at the time. When they do tell me things I do not lecture or freak out, "I handle it as i would if one of my friends were telling me about the situation. Ask them what they thinnk we should do and tell them what you think we should do. Keeping that open communitcation is the key to helping them through thier teens. My daughter is still a rebel but she knows I am there. She also has a good conection with older cousins and an aunt and uncle. I use these connections to get some points across. I have even gone to the school and said I have an issue they sometimes can talk to a group of kids not picking her out and help them as a group deal with an issue they may be having. They often will listen to others ahead of their parents, but this way you can influence them with the help of others. As for the period I have heard of some starting as late as 15 years old so I wouldn't panic yet. I would like to comfort you and tell you it will get better (and I am told it does) but it is lilkely to get worse before it get better. They are trying to get their independance and be thier own boss, and we know as parents that they aren't quite ready so we try to hold them back. I also think it helps to keep in touch with their friends and thier friends parents if you can. That is an amazing tool they resent but really helps you out when you don't know where they are you can call a friends parent to see if they are there. That parent will know you are a caring and concerned parent. I have yet to have a parent think I am over protective nurotic or what ever, (at least they haven't told me I am who knows what they say behind my back, then again who cares what they say behind my back) LOL.

Vanessa - posted on 05/30/2010

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Unfortunately, we as Moms, must make the time (squeeze some time) somewhere soon and regularly. I can't begin to describe to you how many nights of sleep I've lost, tests I've failed, how black the circles under my eyes became, because I decided my child was more important and screaming for MY personal attention. They don't want atta-girls, new phones, laptops, makeup, clothes, babies, etc., as much as they want our time and attention. This is your last chance, while she's a pre-teen to command her respect and obedience before the peer pressure maybe takes over and the boys cut in. What would you be willing to give to have the FINAL AUTHORITY?

Alicia - posted on 05/30/2010

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I have thought of doing that, just haven't been able to get the time to do so. And among my friends I'm the only one with a preteen daughter. The ADHD is something me and her handle well just hard at times when she does things that make it hard to control her. But I will look into this more and thank you for replying.

Vanessa - posted on 05/30/2010

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My Daughter began her period, at age 12, she's now 14 (15 in August, note: I started menses at age 9). I highly recommend taking your daughter, as I did, to Planned Parenthood. They have a great Parent and Teenager group meet where they separate each and then bring them together for question and answer sessions, educate and acting skits. I'm not sure of how I'd deal with the ADHD factor. Have you checked within that circle for support/suggestions? Good luck, Mommy.

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