Punishment methods for pre-teen

Tara - posted on 02/17/2013

My daughter just turned 11 and I am already going through these things, she is inbetween staying at my house and her fathers, as I am a singel mother, and her father is married, so if she breaks the rules there I have to follow up with punishment here, and one thing I learned is she had an "I don't care" attitude toward an punishment, but after talking to therapist and other parents, I was told this is sooo normal for a tween to do, but in reality they do care, they just put up a front, but I did notice was works is letting them know they have somthing to work toward. (i.e) taking away their cell phone, let them know they can have it back in a month..provided they can behave, and if they are showing alot of progress they can have it back soon, just be sure not to give it back to soon, it'll defeat the purpose, It sounds contridicting but for some reason this has worked alot better than just your grounded give me you phone and go to your room, because once in their room they start thinking of how "unfair" your being.. other than how they need to act to get that phone back. lol.. what a story! Hope it kinda helps.

Mark - posted on 02/13/2013

You should let your kids live a little, your all so up tight

Katrina - posted on 02/11/2013

ive heard of making them run laps, do push ups, starting out doing 15 to 20 if they complain contuine, even in the rain, lol, i however havent tried that but am close to it

Katrina - posted on 02/11/2013

im n the same boat with my son.

C.M - posted on 12/31/2012

I got some good ideas here! However, I must say I was surprised at some of them. I'm not judging. Everyone is different. But, I tried a cell phone for my 12-yr-old when he was 10...that didn't last long. He hasnt had a phone since. Pocket money? He doesn't get pocket money. He might get gift cards for certain holidays. But, not much. We have a Wii that never gets played...I don't even think it's hooked up right now. My son helps out around the house because we all pitch in. He even does his own laundry. He doesn't hang out with friends because we never have time. However, I suppose he needs to experience some of these things to know what he's missing. Our issues are his attitude toward his stepfather.....sigh.....

Joann - posted on 11/30/2012

My daughter is the same , its definitely early puberty , I have constant struggles with her as my daughter is moody, bad attitude and most of the time plain Rude ! she thinks the whole world is against her ... I don't know what even do anymore as I don't have an answer , I'm just so over the fighting and its frustrating me that she seems so unhappy... I do all that I can but it changes the mood for like 5 min and then the back-chatting and moodiness starts again.

Traycee - posted on 11/28/2012

Make them wear the same outfit to school for 3 whole weeks, this works wonders.

Susanne - posted on 11/23/2010

I think it depends on the child my 12 year old gets more annoyed when i ban him from the xbox so thats his usual punishment but my 10 year old likes to go out with his friends so he normally gets grounded. Another favourite of mine is taking their pocket money away.

Cheryl - posted on 11/22/2010

If they have cellphones-they should be gone.... taken away for a long time until their attitude changes. Any video games...gone. I used to smack them, depending on the deed. My eldest daughter said that the worst thing I ever did to her was to stop talking for some weeks! One would think they would like that....but no...she wasn't a naughty child really. Its a battle of wills and you have to show these children who exactly is boss. You can't have the tail wagging the dog, and they'll push you as far as they can to get their way.... hang in there and don't give in! Do whatever you have to.

Susan - posted on 01/15/2009

wow these were some awesome ideas! i have a 10 year old daughter... she lived with her dad for a while, learned all kinds of bad habits and attitudes, and has been home with my husband and i for over a year.. she was doing really well and just within the last month or so has fallen back into her habits from her dad... lying, attitude and hiding homework. i wrote some of these ideas down and hopefully we can find one that works!! thanks!

Angie - posted on 01/15/2009

My son is 12 and has that attitude also. He has gotten a lot better because I decided that when he is disrespectful to me or any other adult, he has to do community service...picking up trash on the side of the road. We do it on Saturday and he's out there for about 5 hours. I believe that his punishments should give something back at the same time...which grounding doesn't do. He hates doing it, but it gives him PLENTY of time to think about his behavior and how he should adjust it LOL. Hope this helps you.

Kristen - posted on 01/14/2009

Shannon, I Love that idea of the discipline box! I think I will do that for both my 10 and 14 year old sons. I can't wait to see what they come up with. I may have a spotless house by the end of the month!

Michelle - posted on 01/14/2009

Sheeeesh! I have a 7 1/2 year old daughter, and she already acts like this!!! Not sure what I'm gonna do when she hits puberty! But my husband believes firmly in working the attitudes out! We live on a farm, and there is always a lot of hard work to do. I find that when the attitudes start to happen, hard work, or running can curb the 'tude cause she's soooooo tired after a long day! :)

Shannon - posted on 01/14/2009

i took a parenting class at my church last year and it suggested that for older kids (like my 10-year-old) a discipline box. and in the box, we (my son and i together) wrote down 15 minute jobs around the house to do. for example (let me go get my box..), wipe down all doors & walls, clean the top of the fridge, vacuum, pick out some toys to give away, clean & reorganize two cabinets (mom's choice), wash windows, dust, etc. the idea is not to torture them and if they drag the discipline out to last hours then that's their own fault. other than that, i use grounding from video games, and my well-mannered son will reappear that week!

Kristen - posted on 01/12/2009

Great ideas Christy!!

Christy - posted on 01/10/2009

HAVE YOU TRIED TAKING THE DOORS OFF THAT TAKES THEIR PRIVACY AWAY, MY DAD DID THAT WHEN I SLAMMED DOORS AND IT ONLY TOOK TWO TIMES WHERE HE TOOK MY DOOR OFF THAT I STOPPED SLAMMING DOORS. YOU CAN ALWAYS PRINT EXTRA SCHOOL WORK OFF THE COMPUTER AND HAVE THEM DO CHORES, YARDWORK, DEEP CLEANING STUFF LIKE THAT.

User - posted on 01/07/2009

We have three boys, 23, 14 and 11, and the one thing that works is to remove privileges, items, such as, computers, stereo's etc.   Nothing else seemed to work as well!

Kathy - posted on 01/03/2009

consistency will prevail!!! Get the book 'How to have a New Kid by Friday'. It helped me a little with the mouthiness. I don't respond at that moment, but later when the child wants something from me, I tell them no. If they persistently ask why I've given that answer, I tell them because I was offended at how rude they were blah blah blah and now I won't be doing 'such and such' for them today. Maybe another time. Even if they apologize and beg, it doesn't take their action back. No matter how important it is that they get or do whatever it is. Let them explain why they weren't allowed the 'such and such' (visiting a friend, trip to mall, sports practice - whatever it is). Maybe next time they'll be a little more polite and cooperative with you. don't forget the consistency!!

Anyways, it's a good book and he gives specific examples which really helped.

GOOD LUCK!!! mine are 3 weeks away from 14 yrs, 6 weeks away from 13, 12 1/2, 6 weeks away from 9 (the worst attitude of all), and 3 1/2 - Attitude seems to be ALL I GET!!!!!

Tina - posted on 01/03/2009

I have a 13 yr old daughter and she has 4 lil brothers and so the attitude thing can be a problem. I have resorted to sending her to her room with no tv,computer or phone. When these things are cut off she has no means to call or text her friends about how mean and unfair her mother is. She can come downstairs when her attitude has changed, and normally it doesnt take too long. Sometimes having their favorite snack with the rest of the family helps because they want a bite too. Silly I know, they are still kids.

Kim - posted on 12/17/2008

I have two daughters who have gone through this phase, and one still in it. First, I have to say that Vitamin B really helps.

Next, we have mantras (not like the religious kind, just family sayings that are ground into our DNA) - "if it's everybody else, it's probably you" and "you do what I want, I do what you want, you don't do what I want, you lose." Then, when the arguing won't stop, "you have removed yourself from my authority." This last one needs a bit of explanation: Removing from my authority means that they don't get my support, access to my resources - they lose relationship - kind of like when I turn my back on God. It is also just as easy to gain it back.

I've repeated them so many times, that now, when my thirteen year old (daughter number 2) starts into an attitude, I just have to start on the second & third mantra and she will whip into shape. Of course I had to follow them up with action.

Daughter #3 recently started the bad attitudes, and I found that each time I have to identify my own bad behaviors that have been adding to the situation, and stop them. Then I have to set good boundaries, then I have to give the child what they need in healthy ways. This child is a quality time person. She got attention through fights, fits and whining. I started sending her to her room every time instead of trying to be a go between and 'fixer'. Then I realized I needed to find positive ways to spend time with her - so I'm playing games more. My oldest was a quality time person as well. She really needed 10 minutes in the car every day, and if she didn't get it, her life spiraled. My second daughter is a gift person - she needs to know I've thought about her - not expensive gifts, just that I've thought of her and not lumped her in with everyone else. (The five love languages by Gary Chapman helps)

Okay - not what you asked, and we definitely take a bit different approach. In our house, having mom and dad mad at you is bad enough.

There was a time when my second daughter went completely awol - she didn't go to school for five weeks. She was having real trouble with transitions. She had long since lost all her privileges. I was working with the school, and praying a lot. I called in the prayer reinforcements, finally had a friend and her mom come over one morning and pray with me. She recently told me - 'Mom, you should have the prayer team come pray over (her younger sister). There is nothing worse. That's what made me shape up.'

Bonnie - posted on 12/17/2008

I like writing, I send my daughter to her room and have her write down why she thinks I sent her there, and if she were in my shoes what would she do to punish her child for acting in the same manner. Strangely enough her ideas for punishment were worse then mine, or she had no clue. But at least it opened up the conversation and gave her and me time to calm down. Half the time is that they feel like we aren't hearing there little voices and we feel like they should just llisten cause thats what they used to do. If you give them an opportunity to voice it and then come back and talk or debate calmly about it, it usually works itself out most times they just want to be heard.

Stephanie - posted on 11/30/2008

My 10 year old step daughter does chores for either allowance or a special trip. If she starts her attitude with us she still has to do her chores and gets no "credits" for her trip and no money.

Lisa - posted on 11/29/2008

I'm an ECE teacher (toddlers, which I've learned through brain research are on the parallel developmental planes as teenagers - heaven help me!) and divorced, single mom of a 10-year old girl.



There is a great book series called "Positive Discipline" that is very similar to our school's philosophy of natural consequence discipline. (BTW, our school has toddlers-8th grade.) What I really like about the series that each book covers a specific age range and has real-life scenarios and advice. Great for reading ahead and picking scenarios that you think might come up.



Most important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page regarding how you will handle the problem. So that requires brainstorming in advance as well. I would suggest having a family meeting when the attitudes are NOT happening and discuss with the girls what the consequences will be when such and such occurs so that there are no surprises when they choose to act out.



Not saying any of this will magically smooth it over, but just like toddlers despite their rebelling/not caring about boundaries/consequences, developmentally they still really crave and need them so that they know what is acceptable, have consistency and predictability in their lives when the world and their bodies are unpredictable.



Hope something helps!

Tanya - posted on 11/28/2008

Thanks for the ideas ladies!

Karoline - posted on 11/26/2008

For my 13 year old son the only thing that seems to work for the attitude is physical punishments like holding books or doing squats. The excercise is good for them and you'd be amazed at how apologetic they can be after 10 minutes of it.

Jane - posted on 11/26/2008

unfortunately, the only thing i've found to work on my tween is actually putting her in timeout, and THEN sending her to a quiet place (like her room) to work out her attitude problem -- i let her know it's for an attitude adjustment, and when she finally gets rid of it, then we can actually talk about why she feels like she has to throw attitude at me... believe me, it's a work in progress! if there are any quicker ways, i would LOVE to know them myself! (grounding doesn't work because then you're just being a "bad guy" in their eyes and they think you're "out to get them") ... i also try to remember what it was like to be her age again ... good luck to u!