Son doesn't want to go to Dad's house anymore

Donna - posted on 01/31/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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My son, who is almost 11, doesn't want to go to his Dad's house anymore for his "weekend." He says that he has no friends at his Dad's house and he really feels like he is missing out when he goes there. My attorney said to get him involved in lots of activities so that he will be too busy to go to Dad's -- he said the custody agreement says to do what is in the best interest of the child.



So, my son wants me to write/talk to his Dad about him not "having" to go there on the weekends. Any thoughts or suggestions on how to tell him this without creating a big stir?

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Kaylie Deanna - posted on 12/05/2012

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So I have a 15 year old and 16year old they don't wont to go to there dads but I told them they had to cuz it would hurt his feelings. The 15 year old dosnt won to go because she did something that every teen dose and her dad won't stop calling her a who're the 16 year dosnt won't to go because his dad always gets on to him for little things and try's to hit him

So what should I do?

Jamie - posted on 03/17/2013

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My son is almost 13 yrs old and every other weekend he goes to his dads from fri to sun and when he gets back sunday night hes just mad,he's mad for being over there for going there,asking me why i take him over there cuz his dad doesn't do anything, and his dads wife is the one taking all the attention away from him. Him and his dad can't do anything together in the short time he's there cuz she always has things for him to do. He just doesn't understand why he has to go there and when he can stop going there cause he hates it. He sends me texts all the time while he's there. I just feel so helpless. I try to make everything positive and upbeat for him but it never fails when sundays come he has a lot to say about his weekend and none of it's positive at all. I've tried to talk to his dad but he turns everything around and says its not like that. But when my son goes over to his dad's for the weekend his dad and wife sit him on the couch and ask him questions on why you don't want to come over why you feel this way,so he says mom don't say anything it just makes it worse, so i don't know

Shannon - posted on 01/30/2014

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I am in the same boat. I have a 13 year old who does not like going to his fathers house. He gets upset when he has to go and I recently found out he does not eat the entire time he is there. I have talked to my ex and he doesn't get it.. he puts my son through a HUGE guilt trip if he doesn't go or call him every day. Its getting to a point where he wont even answer his calls anymore unless I make him. My 9 year old is beginning to do the same thing now.

Wendy - posted on 02/04/2009

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I had this same problem...yes, you have to do what is best for your son. But, it is not up to you too tell his Dad...it is up to your son to do this. This way you are not involved so there shouldn't be any problem. My son told his dad and it wasn't a problem. This way his dad will know it was your son's decision and not yours...

Debbie - posted on 02/03/2009

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I don't think it'll matter how you go about it, it'll cause a stir. Sounds like Dad should be making more of an effort to do things with his son on the weekend. It's his loss. You really shouldn't force your son to go. And hopefully Dad doesn't try to make him feel guilty for his decision. Good luck!

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Evelyn - posted 6 days ago

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Lonnie~~if the boy is 21 then he is a man and does not have to go stay weekends anymore with dad.

Lonnie - posted 6 days ago

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What can a dad do when his 21 year old son doesn't want to stay the night with him all the sudden on his dads weekend I'm disabled and don't get much money to do anything but buy food to eat at home. It's hard to think about this but I can't help but wonder if it's me he's tired of being around. o well get use't to it I guess

Eileen - posted on 07/31/2014

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My daughters boyfriend is nearly 17 we live in Tasmania his mum makes him go to his dads and he really dosnt want to go do you know if he really has To go by law

Chris - posted on 05/03/2014

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This is unhealthy for a child to be put in this situation. First of all your child shouldn't have a choice. Have you thought about what it would be like if it was a turned around situation? Children are very smart and they can pick up on subtle manipulation like, "I really miss you when you have to go to your other parents house." and "If you didn't have to go this weekend we could do this.." Each parent defines the child and when you take that relationship away you damage your child for life and then your grandchildren will be effected and so on and so on. Children shouldn't be given an option on visitation. I encourage you all to look at information on Parental Alienation if you love your child you will look honestly at a situation. So many times in divorce after a few years the person that obtains custody seems to want the nuisance of the non-custodial parent to go away. So they make excuses and go out to find people to support their actions so they do not feel any guilt of shame over what they are doing. Your children will one day as adults usually in there late 30's or 40's resent you and possibly reject you for putting them in this position.

Chris - posted on 05/03/2014

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This is unhealthy for a child to be put in this situation. First of all your child shouldn't have a choice. Have you thought about what it would be like if it was a turned around situation? Children are very smart and they can pick up on subtle manipulation like, "I really miss you when you have to go to your other parents house." and "If you didn't have to go this weekend we could do this.." Each parent defines the child and when you take that relationship away you damage your child for life and then your grandchildren will be effected and so on and so on. Children shouldn't be given an option on visitation. I encourage you all to look at information on Parental Alienation if you love your child you will look honestly at a situation. So many times in divorce after a few years the person that obtains custody seems to want the nuisance of the non-custodial parent to go away. So they make excuses and go out to find people to support their actions so they do not feel any guilt of shame over what they are doing. Your children will one day as adults usually in there late 30's or 40's resent you and possibly reject you for putting them in this position.

Toni - posted on 11/09/2013

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well in my situation the Dad is abusive they still end up going if he says he want do it again and if there is any doubt over the further abuse you are forced by the court to send your child back again and again unless they end up in hosital half beaten to death then something might be done but there can be no doubt bit was the father so they could try and blame anyone else and get away with it. The system is crap I have tried to fight this and cafcas and the court just say it has to move on and he need a relationship with the father. You are the one that is put in the middle with a child that may want a nice father and what a possitive relationship but is scared he is going to abuse him and you are forced to offer him up again and again to be abused. Your feeling and safety do not count you are expected to hand them over pay to take them there even if he has beaten you up for years and no there is no one will to go near him for me. There is no justice your life and your child no one really care they are a prodct that has to go through the system to be abused and hurt you have to know it and it just so the coourt and cafcas can tick the move it on box

sorry for the rant but this is my opinion and i am fed up with it all

Michelle - posted on 10/17/2012

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I can relate and what do you do when it is a 7yr old little girl whom does not want to spend nights at her fathers and with her 2 brothers in a house that also her dad's step brother (approx. late 20's early 30's) lives so is a all guy house. She used to stay overnights when she was 5yrs old then school started, his work changed, no bed more less room for her so overnights stopped. Since he has gotten a girlfriend whose 5yr old daughter is not around so she is against deadbeat dad's so I think my ex has something to prove to look good in her eyes and now wants overnights and weekends to have his family though girlfriend only stays weekends and won't move in with him. Our daughter does not want to stay overnights and has meltdowns over just asking her if she wants to and he keeps asking her and pressuring her telling her him and her brothers miss her and want her to stay. And of course I am blamed for her not wanting to but he can't see, 1. She has a routine here at her home. 2. She has a sleeping routine with her own room, womb beating bunny, her cat that sleeps with her every night cuddled in her arms. 3. She and I have always been a team. 4. Until recent her dad has done his own thing and I have a journal of months showing just such. He is however pushing to have her overnights and does not care how she feels and says if he has more time she will get comfortable when in my opinion he needs to work to her feeling comfortable to want to stay.

Donna - posted on 02/02/2009

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If I do nothing else in this life, I will always have my sons' back! :) He knows that I am here for him and, as you said, I have to do what is best for him -- not necessarily for his Dad.



Thanks for writing!

Donna - posted on 02/02/2009

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Thanks for the reply and you raised some good questions. His father and I separated when our son was 15 months old. He has no memories of "our" ever living at his Dad's house.



There are a lot of things in play here. 1) I left his dad due to domestic violence. Unfortunately, because it was more mental, emotional and sexual my attorney advised me not to bring it up in court as it would be difficult to "prove." 2) I was wife #2. Wife #3 has now left him. She is a wonderful woman and has been in my son's life since he was 2 y.o. She has four children of her own. With her (and the kids) our of the house, I think it has only compounded my son's desire not to be there. We are staying in touch and have agreed that she will continue to see my son. 3) My son doesn't really like his Dad. He does love him, but he says that his Dad is boring, doesn't do anything, etc. So, for a young boy who enjoys spending time with his friends and doing various activities, spending the weekend watching TV with his Dad isn't a real highlight.



My son does worry about me -- more than he should. We have been a team since he was a very young child and he tries to take care of me on some level.



Please know that I do not speak badly of his father. The only thing I have ever said is that I am sorry that his Dad and I were not adult enough to work things out.



Anyway, hope some of this clears up the scenario a bit.



Thanks for writing!

Maureen - posted on 02/02/2009

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I'm hoping you're able to talk to the father about your concerns. It is such a difficult time for all involved in custody & visitation issues. Your lawyer's advice to keep him too busy to visit his Dad doesn't seem right to me. You could be asking for a drawn out custody battle if you try to stop access. The only person who wins in that situation is the lawyers. In Ontario where I live , there are mediation centres that help with these issues and at much less cost. Is there any concern about your son being with his father that is placing him at risk ? Keep the lines of communication open with your son too. Maybe he's just going throug a rough phase and is worried about leaving you alone. You don't say if you were living with the father or how long ago your separation was. Maybe there's a link.. anyway, keep the communication open and honest. Good luck at a difficult time for all involved. I think it will eventually work itself out.

Leigh-Ann - posted on 02/02/2009

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I also had this problem with my son around the same age. I spoke to my sons dad about my sons feelings. His dad wasn't to happy but I feel at that age we have to speak for our children, and do whats best for them. not there dads.. Good luck and always listen to your son.

Val - posted on 02/02/2009

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well, i think that you should just tell his dad that your son is growing up and he doesn't want to go over there too much anymore. do keep him busy. the more he's involved with other activities the less time he'll have to go over there. let your son know that you have his back with how he feels and that you support him.

Donna - posted on 02/01/2009

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Thanks so much. He came home "early" today and was upbeat. Said he watched TV the entire weekend and was thankful to be home.

Sheri - posted on 02/01/2009

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We had similar issues with my oldest son. He and his dad are very similar; extremely polite and avoid confrontation. I talked with his dad aobut what was going on- it's not meant to be time out for both of them. I told his dad that I need his help in parenting, and with him going to his dad's every other weekend my opportunities were limited. I asked him to teach my son specific things: tennis, skiing and golf. I told him these are "Life skills" and it's a dad's job, etc. They also happen to be things his dad might like. My son isn't an athlete by any means- he cried about skiing for awhile. His dad was horrified by a crying 8 yr old on the slopes. Too bad- it really is a skill he needed to concur BEFORE deciding he wasn't going to be a skier. He isn't a rabid skier now (He's 21 on Tuesday), but is extremely good and does enjoy it. An added bonus- his Dad is proud of the good job he's done as a father and they enjoy a much better relationship.

Your son shouldn't see his dad every weekend- but he should choose some activites (not arcades or shopping all the time) that they could do together. Maybe get involved in Habitat for Humanites, etc.

Good luck! Sheri

Linzi - posted on 01/31/2009

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Quoting Donna:

Son doesn't want to go to Dad's house anymore

My son, who is almost 11, doesn't want to go to his Dad's house anymore for his "weekend." He says that he has no friends at his Dad's house and he really feels like he is missing out when he goes there. My attorney said to get him involved in lots of activities so that he will be too busy to go to Dad's -- he said the custody agreement says to do what is in the best interest of the child.

So, my son wants me to write/talk to his Dad about him not "having" to go there on the weekends. Any thoughts or suggestions on how to tell him this without creating a big stir?


Hi there, I had the same problem with my son.  He still is reserved, but I have had him run away from dads house etc.  all a bit of a nightmare really.  Does dad understand the reasons behind him not wanting to go there, our Dad hit the roof and blamed me for everything, so much so that he even now ignores me completely when I actually do manage to get our son to his house.



I would not wish it on anybody, but I really do feel that at 11, the boy has a right to voice his opinion and should be allowed to go where he wants to and not be forced to do something he is not comfortable with.  I also think he is old enough to decide.



 



I wish you all the luck in the world with this very difficult problem, just remember that, no matter what your "Dad" may think of you, you are only acting with your childs interest at heart, and be aware that your son will know you were willing to give him the responsibility for his actions, no matter what the outcome may be.   GOOD LUCK.  XX Linzi



 

Kelly - posted on 01/31/2009

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I had the same problem when my son was 11/12 he will have to explain to his dad about how he feels and see if he can get him to take him places or do something wiv him as he's feeling bored now...

My son didnt se his dad for a while because of this so just go wiv what ur son wants...

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