Teenage son of 14 years wants to live with his dad.

Theresa - posted on 09/19/2012

My 13 year old sons dad has asked me (nicely) a couple of months ago that if I need my son to come live with them (him and his gf of less than a year) that he would be happy to do so. I have no idea why since I've NEVER expressed that I cant take care of my son....I've done well ALONE for 13 years! Only since he's been with this lady has he seen him frequently. I left him when I was pregnant and he's constantly reminded me over the years that "you wanted this kid, I didn't!". Now all of a sudden he's wanting to be dad of the year. I found texts from my ex to my son after the last visit saying "You know that whenever you are ready to come live with us, we will make it happen" and a text from my ex's gf saying "I know your mom loves you but I just want to protect you!" (no earthly idea what that means...especially since her 13 year old shot my son in the arm with a BB gun back in march in the house!!!!.....THAT was not protecting my son!). I am now afraid that he may try to get custody of my son. The new gf has money! I feel like he is coaxing my son to want to live there. They have a big house, pool, media room...blah blah blah. I just recently moved home with my parents because I needed a new car and to pay down debt. But my parents have ALWAYS played a huge part in his life and we've always live within a couple miles of them to be close to them. Does anyone know if it is illegal for the noncustodial parent to coax a child into wanting to live with them? My son says he doesnt want to live there but I am afraid he does and doesnt want to tell me. We've always been very close. We don't have a lot but we have a good life and he's a great kid. Like you said above "My heart is hurting" I cannot imagine my son living 3 hours from me. I'd be crushed!!!!

Jeannine - posted on 08/27/2012

My son went to live with his dad when he was 14. His father and I did not get along, but his dad was more than willing to take him and had custody and child support papers changed within 24 hours. I gave my son 6 months to consider his actions, after which time there was no coming back, I do not have a swinging door. He lived with his father for 4 years, and did very well, though he referred to his father as "Hitler." He made his bed and learned to lie in it. He is now 19 years old and in the US Army, stationed 1000 miles from home. I am proud to call him my son.

Jill - posted on 08/25/2012

Stacy,

I truly feel your pain. I am in a similar situation with an abusive, drug addicted, ex husband. For me, I have a restraining order and have maintained full custody of our 3 children for the past 12 yrs. However, my ex recently decided to move 3 miles away from me, got engaged to some woman and started telling our children to come live with him because he was now "a changed man" & the only reason he hasn't been a "father" to them is because their mother (me) won't "let him".

My 15 yr old son began emulating him -threatening me, our home, the other children - doesn't follow rules anymore and claims I am to blame for him not having a father. He justifies his poor behavior this way and has become so detrimental to the rest of our family that I am now in process of transferring custody of him to my ex. This breaks my heart. I feel like my son is lost to me already but with this change in custody - his chance of becoming a decent, well educated, loving, man is lost...

But, at some point, as mothers, we have to make hard decisions. We have to let our children face their worlds head on and just be there to help pick up the pieces and guide them.

I think you have the right attitude and it sounds like you are a loving, self sacrificing mom... Your son will not forget that and will come back around. Take heart in the fact that he is not out to hurt you. Just out to get what he wants.

Stacey - posted on 08/24/2012

Thanks for the response, Vicki. I guess I didn't really think about it that way, and your absolutely right. I suppose I should try to step out of the box and realize that no matter what, I'm still his mom...today, tomorrow, and forever. Its a very difficult situation to be in, especially in this case. Our judge has said that the decision will be left up to him. So, in the end, if he wants to go and live with his dad, there isn't anything I can do to stop it. I suppose I should support his decision and make certain that he knows that I love him and will always be there. It worries me be cause his dad is stuck in the 1800's where the women are suppose to cook, clean, and take care of the men. The other day my son said that "cooking is womans work!". So, guess whose been cooking dinner every night this week since then? I'm determined to break him of that neanderthal way of thinking and hope that by him spending so much time with his dad, he wouldn't get worse. Thank you again for your thoughts. I truly appreciate it.

Vicki - posted on 08/24/2012

That is a tuff situation to be in forsure. I find with kids this age they are alittle self absorbed and what i mean by this is they often have no clue what parent they are actually better off with in the long term, they often look at the parent and make the choice as to which one will let me away with what? They honestly think thats the easier route to take. We have to remember that the part of the brain that has the rational thinking is not developed until they are in their 20s this is why they are so impolsive and daring etc etc... I would say that he is too young to be making this kind of dession and tell him that when he becomes of age then he can go hopefully by then he has been taught all the good things from you! Or you can get a councellor involved and have your son discuss his reasons for wanting to? Sometimes a 3rd party being involved is helpful. Maybe the councellor can offer him things to think about?

Good luck

Vicki