Teenagers with mental disorders

Chris - posted on 10/13/2011

UPDATE: Re hospitalized my 17 year old after she ran away in June. She came out and was better briefly, but sunk lower than before terrorizing her sisters all summer. She has since moved in with her father and my hope was that would make her happier (this was her idea) but it hasn't. Now I have 2 people (her and my ex) trying to start fights with me continually and he keeps threatening to take me back to court and get custody of my other two children.

Chris - posted on 03/18/2011

Well, luckily for me the high school where my daughter goes is willing to help. I didn't have an issue like you did because the percentage of kids going to behavioral facilities keeps increasing each year, pretty sad when you think about it. I can not believe those principals actually said that to you! That is awful not to mention illegal! I hope you told them where to go and your lawyer would show them the way. Today was a decent day. The real test starts tomorrow, weekends are hard plus the fact that everyone (her and her sisters) are on spring break, while I am working full time hours because someone is out on vacation. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Jane - posted on 03/18/2011

That is all you can do, actually. Make plans and hope they work. We tried to get my son into the day program, but they had a waiting list of 6 months, not 2 weeks. In any case, we have finally found a school where most of the staff actually believes he has a problem and tries to help. I am very tired of school staff announcing that "Children do not suffer mental illness" or "I don't believe in disabilities I cannot see!" Both are actual quotes from principals.

And I suspect you are equally strong. Right now you are at a crisis point. Things will get better. Eventually. At least for a while.

And I always remember something I told my mom years ago when she asked how I could cope with a disabled husband, a normal but active daughter and my son. What I said was: If you cry, your nose hurts, so you may as well laugh. And that is pretty much what you do. Try to find something good about every day and then remember those good things.

Chris - posted on 03/18/2011

Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your husband and mom. I can't even fathom going through all that and dealing with your son. I envy your strength. My daughter has her options and she has to choose. She choose to stay here and go with my rules rather than go live with her biological father. I'm sure it has alot to do with the fact that she ould be away from her friends at school and the fact that she despises her father and has told him so. I did insist that she be put on birthcontrol, one to help the mood swings during "that time" and two, I don't want to have her come home and say "uh-oh guess what". She has alot of goals in her life but I fear that her attitude will hold her back. I hope that this time around she will stick with the plan but I don't put full stock in it, in fear that I will be disappointed again. The first time she was in the hospital she realized it was what she needed but fell back to her old ways about a month after being released. This last time she fought me and the staff every step of the way. I wanted to put her in their day program but they had a 2 week waitlist. So for now she is here. Her school put together a plan and we have our plan, so hopefully, things will work. Fingers crossed, knock on wood.

Jane - posted on 03/17/2011

If she ever gets her phone back and tries to start an argument by text simply ignore the texts. That's what I do with my son. When he gets home and demands to know why I didn't answer I just look at him blandly and say that I didn't read them.

Also, for a long time he had a prepaid phone so he couldn't run up the bill or download a bunch of ringtones. He doesn't have a phone right now because he broke one by throwing it, lost one (although I think he broke it also), and left two out where the dogs could eat them. He wants another phone he can buy it himself. He can get one for $14.95 at Best Buy and get a new sim card for free. It may not be a sexy iPhone but it would do the trick.

I used to count the days. months and years that I had to stay sane (10 more years and he'll be 18!). Now that it is only a couple of years I seem to have been able to reach a state of calmness that keeps the stress away. Besides, after the stress of my husband dying this year I am not sure what would upset me any longer. I even stayed calm when we met with the hospice people about my mom today.

In fact, my biggest fear is that he WON'T move out. A friend of mine had a son who kept breaking back in to the house to live when things got too tough in the real world. The last time he did it he was 30. My brother's step son is also bipolar and does not take meds. Not only did he present my brother with a grandbaby to raise, he also moves back in periodically. As my brother says, "And then ensues chaos!" The son is now 30 and (we hope) may be moving out of state for a job. We hope this one lasts longer than his jobs usually do, and that the distance might slow down his return to the nest.

I frequently remind myself that my son is cute when he's asleep.

Chris - posted on 03/17/2011

She was just released from the hospital a week ago tomorrow (Friday). She was in for a week. I did call the cops and EMT when she had her breakdown. One of the reasons I refuse to give back her cell phone (but not the only and main reason) is that she would start text fights with me from school. It didn't matter to her if I was at home, work or in the car. I just am trying to stay calm and sane for another 15 months. She will be 18 and a graduate, when she "threatens" to leave for the umpteenth time there is nothing stopping her including me. She is bound and determined to learn the absolute hard way and yes, my husband and I see a therapist weekly. Just the two of us.

Jane - posted on 03/17/2011

Have you considered some sort of respite care, or some activity that will take you away from her for a while on a regular basis? I know I look forward to breaks where people call me by my real name, not either "fat old lady" or the "B" word, and where no one threatens to slit my throat because I don't have the correct cereal for breakfast.



We have had to lock up all the knives and matches periodically when my son is at his worst. As the primary parent most of my son's anger is aimed at me, and sometimes it is just as simple as letting him spout off in front of other people that know me and him. They help me ignore what he says and does.



She may need hospitalization to re-regulate her meds and to examine her apparent suicidal thoughts (remember the key phrase: a risk to herself or others - that will get her admitted). Even if hospitalization doesn't help her much, the break will help you and the rest of your family immensely.



If nothing else, I get about 15 minutes to myself every morning while I wait outside for the special ed bus to arrive - he can't ride on the regular bus because he always gets in trouble on it. I sit in the garden and enjoy the flowers and the birds and basically recharge my emotional energy for the day.



And finally, if she threatens you physically, call the cops! It is hard to do, but if she is contemplating assault she needs to know that is not acceptable behavior.



Take a deep breath and relax whenever you can. Kids like these are energy sinks and you can end up feeling like an abused parent if you don't find ways to get breaks. And don't forget - counseling for you and the rest of the family can help all of you cope with her.

Chris - posted on 03/17/2011

I am standing my ground, but to kill her with kindness is next to impossible. It is hard to be "kind" to someone that treats me like crap and talks to me like a peon. When she gets into her moods I let her whine and pout and complain to herself. I start limiting my answers to one or two words and keep my concentration on something else. I love my daughter but am getting to the point where I don't want to be near her. I am tired of being mad and upset ALL the time. I want to enjoy my family and the time we spend together but she can't keep it together to do that. She waits to corner me when I'm alone and berates me and my decisions, trying to uses any means to get her way. Yelling, intimidation, threats, blackmail these are all typical tools. She is currently demanding her cell phone back. I am standing my ground on my desicion to keep it. She is completely addicted to it. @ Laurie~~Yes, she is like a typical teenager but with her diagnoses you have to times her "attitude" by 100. A typical teenager gets frustrated with their younger siblings and fights with them not pulls a butcher knife and declares how much she hates her family and herself.

Jane - posted on 03/17/2011

Actually, your oldest daughter sounds like my son's identical twin. He was diagnosed at age seven as ADHD, ODD and Bipolar, and as far as he is concerned the world revolves around him and the rest of us can go whatever, whenever we aren't doing things for him. He is sixteen but behind one year in school, so he has three years left before he is on his own. He has been hospitalized 5 times for short periods and once for 5 months. He hates taking his meds but hallucinates if he doesn't. He is physically imposing and tends toward violence when he doesn't get his way.

As others have said, I pick my battles. Health and safety issues come first, then things such as picking up after himself. We also have three simple rules: Do not break the house, do not break other people's things, and do not break (hurt) any living thing. He has to fix, replace or pay to fix material goods he damages. He has to apologize at the very least for hurting someone, and may have to go to the hospital if he injures them (he is then considered a risk to himself or others). If he breaks his own stuff we do not replace it. At the moment this means his room contains a dresser, a PS2, and a broken but still sittable chair. Everything else was destroyed by him and he had to help me take it all to the dump.

Another important thing to do is for you to never get upset or argue with your child. This is playing to their bad feelings and gives them "permission" to escalate into violence. Cultivate a calm way of responding even to the most outrageous words, remind the child you love them, and then impose the standard punishment for the infraction.

One thing I am strongly considering is that, when my son gets to age 18, going to the government and having him declared an adult disabled child. That would get him a monthly stipend that can be disbursed to him by one of several local charities, thus keeping him from arguing with me about money. It would also give him access to MHMR so he can get his meds. Without that help his monthly meds would cost several thousand dollars.

Good luck, keep your cool, and pray that your child learns the lessons she needs to know before they kill her.

Laurie - posted on 03/15/2011

Sounds like a typical teenager to me. Kill her with kindness and don't feed on the negative energy she's putting out. Stand your ground with your rules and always say you love her after you repeat the rules AGAIN. Try to remember that she is just upset and frustrated as you. Think about how unhappy and confused she must be to act so nasty and hateful. Im sure NO ONE would be pleasant to be around if they feel alone and confused.

Chris - posted on 03/11/2011

ARGH!!!! First day home from the hospital and she's throwing her "demands" around. How dare she talk to me like that!!! I am literally at my wits end! Next step is to ship her off to her biological dads. He hasn't done anything for me or my girls for 3 years. Let him deal with this madness.

Darcey - posted on 03/09/2011

No, there are theraputic exercises which done regularly can help kids with sensory develop a more stable awareness of their bodies in space but it gets a little more difficult for them when they get older as most of the equipment is designed for younger children. Swimming is the best therapy overall.

Bobbie - posted on 03/09/2011

How do you deal with sensory disorder? Darcy that sounds awful to have to see your baby with a problem where she has to be careful all the time. Do meds work for that?

Darcey - posted on 03/09/2011

Yes, and in my daughter's case she has sensory disorder which means she doesn't really know her body's boundaries in space i.e. heavy stepping, high five can hurt a lot, a hug can crack a rib!

Bobbie - posted on 03/08/2011

Yes, these children are usually very kind hearted and loving except for their lack of control. It is basically not them it is their brain. You have to remember that the person abusing you mentally or in some places physically is sick. It is odd my daughter would get so mad but she wouldn't hit me. She took it out on furniture, anything she could hit or break.

Darcey - posted on 03/08/2011

You are not alone! There are no miracle cures no magic wand you can wave in the air to make it go away. The only thing we can do is live our lives one day at a time and hope for a few minutes of great every hour. Yes, I have a daughter who displays this same behaviors. Don't get me wrong she is my baby and always will be but, the behavior has at times been enough to rip our family apart. I've been kicked in the face, punched, spit on, had my arms twisted till they burned all in an angry rage over something she couldn't have or do. I will ask is she in a specialized program at her high school? If so, is she eligable for post grad extention? Also, check with you local state dept of social services there are programs for teens in transition. There are also non-profit organizations who provide services for teens with disabilities which provide day services, help them transition to "real life" find jobs and provide training on job sites to ensure success. I know each state has different types of services as I worked for a non-profit in my state and received many calls from parents all over the us looking for services in their states for whom I did an extensive research for finding supports in all 50 states. Words of wisdom, don't sweat the small stuff, pick you battles wisely, keep a picture of your child on you from a great day or a baby picture when things get really frustrating take it out and just look at it really look at it.

Bobbie - posted on 03/07/2011

Guess you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I wish you the very best!!!!

Chris - posted on 03/07/2011

@ Lanie, she was diagnosed about a 1 1/2 years ago. @ Jennifer and Bobbie, I pray she turns out well in her adult years. Thanks for the encouraging stories.

Bobbie - posted on 03/07/2011

My daughter was finally diagnosed with bi-polar at the age of 18. She always had trouble with school because of dyslexia. She eventually got on drugs because they made her feel better. She is doing better now because she learned her triggers and what she is good at. She has so much respect for her Dad and I now. I don't have to tell you that she was not respectful during her teenage years. We finally had to just give her food out of our pantry and no money. It was tough and like I said it was hell for her and us. She is a nice young woman now that is doing well and sucessful. But she had to go through a lot to get there.

Jennifer - posted on 03/07/2011

As a Mom of three teen/adult boys all three with mental health issues including bipolar and adhd amongst others I say koo doos to you for having made it this far! Support groups are undeniably a necessity for sanity. Nami is an excellent one, as well they offer a Family to Family 12 week course that is awesome (I teach it in Canada). The challenges we are facing now with them being teens and young adults is so much more challenging than it was when they were young. I am at the "turn them loose" stage of the game. They need to learn everything for themselves just like they did when they were toddlers...the boo boos are just bigger. We let them venture out on their own and be there for them when it falls apart. Most days I find the three of them very exhausting especially if it's been a long work day.

Lanie - posted on 03/07/2011

can I ask you at what age was she diagnosed?

Bobbie - posted on 03/07/2011

I hate to say it, but if you have tried everything. She will learn life isn't fair and sometimes can be even more disrespectful than she is. When she gets in her 20's you will get so much smarter. She will go thru some tough times but it will be her choice. We always hope that they will make it through. Once you turn them out in the world. You just pray.

Chris - posted on 03/07/2011

Thanks all. I have tried all different things with my 17 year old. We do have plenty of support with a therapist for her and us and a psychiatrist. We are a pretty healthy household because my husband is diabetic. I'm not worried about her self medicating because she dreds taking her meds and we have to stay on top of her to do so. Our biggest problem, aside from her taking her meds, is that just about anything and everything sets her off. She has such a grandiose view of her role in life. She expects to be completely independent and respected but treats others, including elders and family horribly. She does not understand respect is a two way street and independence comes with being able to show you are responsible for yourself and your actions. To her everything is the worlds fault and takes no accountability for her actions. She is 9 months from being 18 and 15 months from graduation and my fear is she goes out in the world and it eats her alive because she will not be able to hold a job, pay bills, or keep a house above her head. I can not coddle her, I try and pass on my wisdom only to be verbally rebuffed because I'm "mom" and don't know anything. I can not keep an 18 year old in my house that is verbal abusive to me and the rest of the family in fear that the next step will be physical. I am very torn because this is my child but I have other children I have to protect.

Bobbie - posted on 03/07/2011

I agree with other Moms don't try to deal with all this by yourself. Get support for yourself and support for your children. Bi-polar can lead kids to do other things like self medicate. So watch for these signs. If the meds aren't helping a teenager will figure out drugs will. You don't want to go down that road. You and Dad need to be on same page when you make the rules. Maybe you can enlist other people to give you a break such as a grandparent. Having a child that is bi-polar can be hell. I am sorry that was what it was. Been there done that.
Also make sure she takes her meds. Observe what will set her off and if it doesn't disrupt the family too much avoid these situations. You have to take care of yourself first because you have a lot of people to take care of.

NJ - posted on 03/06/2011

Do you have a local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) anywhere near you? They frequently have a support group component of their meetings (usually monthly). There may be other family support groups offered through your local mental health services, as well. NAMI is available online, where you may be able to find a chapter near you.

Laura - posted on 03/06/2011

First of all, you have my respect and admiration for having to deal with mental health challenges in you kids! That is not an easy road; I worked for a while with behaviorally and emotionally challenges kids (mostly teens) so I understand what they can be like. You certainly have your hands full.

The one thing I learned while working with the kids was the importance of structure (rigid structure for some) and clear, concise rules and expectations. The use of consequences (punishments) and incentives (rewards) were important tools, too. Encouraging the kids to make "good" choices BEFORE they acted out impulsively was an important part of my job. That encouragement to think before acting out often was able to shift their focus and re-direct their thoughts to what they were thinking and doing, giving them opportunities to change their minds. These are all techniques that we have used with our daughter since she was little and they work, even with kids that don't have emotional or behavioral challenges.

One point that I would suggest that was never considered an important part of therapy when I worked was the role diet can play in behavioral and emotional issues. Of course, there wasn't the ressearch and data that there is now, but it something worth checking out. Recent data is beginning to show connections between food additive chemicals and behavioral problems such as ADD/ADHD. This research suggests that kids are suffering from sensitivities/allergies to these additive chemicals. These chemicals, most often found in cheap, processed foods, include things like artificial flavorings, dyes, preservatives, MSG/flavor enhancers, etc. High fructose corn suryp is also being looked at as causing behavioral problems in kids too. The research on HFCS is already showing that it IS processed in the body differently than other sugars! With that in mind, you might try changing some of the foods eaten in your diet. Eliminating some of these chemicals certainly can't hurt and might even help! Do be prepared to spend more money on alternative foods--they can be expensive. Hope this helps and good luck!