Too Early For BGR

Julia - posted on 08/17/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My 10 yr old daughter has boys at school passing notes telling her of getting into a boy girl relationship. Thank God, she wants to share this with me! No doubt, this daughter is friendly and helpful so she kind of getting the attention like admirers among her peers. I told her no boyfriends, its too early and to keep it as just friends. My daughter understood our expectation in this issue. Her girlfriends think its cool to have boyfriends now and somehow, this boy is determined and refuse to stop. I have another daughter, 12, but she was never like that. Does this happen to your child at school? How do you handle it?

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Pamela - posted on 08/20/2010

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u also mentioned this boy is relentless, I'd have a talk with either the school principal, his parents, or both. I had a similar scenario this yr w/ 1 of my twin daughters (age 12), and her friends handed out her cell phone#, (I have parental locks on it, she can only recieve calls from her contact list that only I can add), but these boys were texting up a storm I took it 2 the principal & everything was taken care of

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Kjforce - posted on 10/26/2012

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I have a 10 year old G-son ( cooper ) that I oversee after school M-F..lately there is a girl at school and they are passing notes to each other on the playground..not in class..( his BF told Cooper's mother )..she told him this is inapropriate behavior and he is to give notes back to her..refusing to accept ..and that he could get suspended for this....I on the other hand feel this is a normal child growing thing and perhaps..just him explaining to her that it could get them both introuble if the teacher found out..besides they can talk at recess..He has been and still is a " A" student,has a heavy homework load and involved in many activities and we live out in the country so the only time he sees her is at school....He has a younger sister who he interacts with, very little contact with other boys..except in in the varied activities..not much one on one..

I actually feel sometimes we as adults look too deeply into some " normal "child growing behavior..just sit them down once in awhile and have one on one discussions.....

Looking forword to other suggestions/ideas from parents.....

Denise - posted on 09/02/2010

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I know! The kids tv shows are something else now a days. Also all the french kissing happening on regular shows. My 5 year old tried to kiss me like that because he saw it on tv. LOL

Kimberly - posted on 09/02/2010

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I think the BGR thing is common now even though I don't promote it with my kids, age 12 & 15; but its hard when they see so many kids around them "hooking" up with opposite sex. I think the TV shows promote this so much and a lot of the problem. We need to watch out for the disney tv shows which are always making it look cool to have BGR. So, I think each parent has to make that call and lay down boundaries letting kids know what we expect in this area.

Cindy - posted on 09/01/2010

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my daughter had a BF in grade 3
at that age it is Cute and doesn't mean anything. I know what I was like though When I was 10..... Thankfully my kids are SHY like their dad and don't follow in my foot steps. My daughter is now almost 20 and has only had 1 BF but they ended up being like Brother and sister....I would just tell your DD that make sure the Boys keep their hands to themselves!. and Yes to tell you whats going on

Denise - posted on 09/01/2010

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Ok, so I am on the other side. I have the 12 year old boy. He is asking about dating. Stuff like, "how old was I when first had a date?, etc" I told him he is to young to date. He said kids will laugh at him if he doesn't start dating soon? I think it is all in his head. I think the majority aren't dating at 12yrs?? Am I wrong!

Yvonne - posted on 09/01/2010

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Are BGR's. Doesn't matter how old they are you cringe when it starts as you only want the best for your child. My daughter had her first male interested in her at 15 when she started casual work. He was 17 and had an Hispanic background. (Lots of testosterone flowing). He had asked if he could take her for a walk and to her credit (bless her) she said she would ask her parents.
So what did we do?
We figured if he was really keen and honourable then he would have no objection to coming home and meeting the family. (test no. 1)
He came. He even came to church on Sundays. I liked him, but was also very aware of where he was at.
When he seemed to be a little to close for comfort hubby and I sat down with them both and had what we thought was a very friendly, but straight chat with them about what we expected. (test no. 2)
We never saw him again after that.
So, what am I saying? Your 10yo is not expected to have the wisdom of a grown up. Does she have any interest in him. Maybe you could invite him round, play some family board games with him. That way they are not left alone and everyone can get to know each other without the "pressures." It's good if there is a dad, who can have a "man to man" talk with him.
they may just turn out to be good friends this way. Which is what would be much healthier for both.

NJ - posted on 08/27/2010

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My daughter secretly had her first boyfriend at age 12 or 13. But the candy and rose were a dead give-away to us, her parents....... Within a week, she and another friend gave a Halloween party and she couldn't even face her "boyfriend." She felt that being in a "relationship" was too much pressure and called the whole thing off, asking that they just keep their "friend" status. That was the last mention until she turned 16 and a half and began dating a boy she admired from afar for most of a year. They have shared one kiss. And now they have a long-distance relationship because he is in college half-way across the state. I gave our daughter an out in her first year of high school by telling her that we her parents wouldn't allow her to date her freshman year. She fended off inquiries with that info quite happily.

Rhonda - posted on 08/25/2010

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Yes, as a matter of fact the kids in my daughter's 5th grade class last year all had boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. they say... that it's just at school and really don't go anywhere on dates.
I've told my daughter that she's too young for a boyfriend and that it just causes problems. Boys have been passing her notes as well. it's something I wasn't expecting at this age. but can only keep the lines of communication open to know what's going on at school and with friends.

Julia - posted on 08/19/2010

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Thank you, ladies.....it really helps. You gave me some kind of boost to stay firm with decisions :)

Patricia - posted on 08/19/2010

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I had the same thing with my oldest daughter; other girls having boyfriends and being interested in boys at the age of 10 which is ENTIRELY TOO YOUNG for any child to get into boy-girl relationships. My daughter was chatting with someone (on the AIM when it used to exist) who was talking to her about dating and kissing boys and she told me about this. Thankfully this girl lived in another state so my daughter didn't spend time with this other girl. thankfully my daughter was not interested in boys like that until she got older (she is 19 now).
Stand your ground about NO BOYFRIENDS until she is older and if this boy keeps passing her notes even AFTER she has said something to him I would go to the school and tell them to tell this boy to back off.
God Bless

Laura - posted on 08/18/2010

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First, congratulations that you have a daughter who trusts you enough to share this with you. Keep up the positive relationship!

Good job, too, on setting your expectations on relationships with her. This will help her handle the peer pressure--she can "blame" her mom! I guess that's part of being a parent--we get "blamed" for a lot of stuff, but it can help ease the peer pressure for our kids. Kids function best when they know what the boundaries and limits are with their parents.

I have a 12 year old who doesn't seem that interested in boys at this time. She is a bit behind her peers physiologically (late bloomer!) so I don't think the hormones have quite kicked in yet! While we haven't forbidden the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, we have told her that such relationships should be taken seriously and not casually, as many kids seem to take it these days. Her dad and I sometimes joke with her about the boys in her class and we usually get the eye-roll and a loud "maaahm" or "daaaad"! Also keep in mind that these relationships are most likely exploritory in nature and a means of socializing rather than the serious commitment that comes with maturity. Though age 10 does seem a bit young for this to be starting. With kids hitting puberty earlier and earlier, especially girls, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships are bound to start at earlier ages, I guess. Stick to your expectations and don't worry too much about--it sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders! Good luck!

Ruth - posted on 08/18/2010

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You do your best to teach them what you believe. I believe the sooner you allow them to have BGR's the sooner they have intimate relationships. The last thing any parents wishes for is a pregnant teenager. My son will be 12 next month and has lived with his dad for the last 5 years. I always told him he could not have girlfriends until he was 16 but his dad does not seem to care. I have him during the summer and he is absolutely girl crazy. I realized that I am fighting a losing battle. I talked to him about sex and long term goals and how a baby would put a wrench in the mix. I felt I had a choice to either accept that he is going to have girlfriends and have open communication regarding the subject, or to stand my ground and not have the communication. So, I gave up the fight this summer and have been spending lots of time trying to teach him the responsibility of being in a relationship. It is a touchy subject and I hope you can find a level ground.

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