What do you do about the pre teen additude

Debbie - posted on 05/20/2009

Hiya. Its tough at that age. They have major attitude and are primed that they are the sole person anyone should be concerned with - a very egotistical time, bit like having a toddler again!
I have my own kids and step kids so between us we cop it both ways! lol. Found that just letting the nastyness go over your head is the best way with regard to step children as believe me they all do it at some point and when that happens allowing the birth parent to discipline so that there was no chance of ruining a budding relationship and letting the kids know that we are a couple. We've been through that stage now with 2 of the girls and both the boys (4 more to go) and we have tackled it by joint parenting rules in the house that we pay the bills... they have to go by our rules until they move out and have their own house.
Having said that it is a learning curve and compromise works wonders as long as its carefully done.
If all else fails we just take mobile phones away (oh the horror of a teen without their phone! lol) followed by the internet and then any other special treat that child may have. . . never had to get that far to date though.
Above all else keep a sense of humour - just like toddlers they will eventually grow up and leave home!

Maryrose - posted on 05/19/2009

My child is going through the exact same thing; but she all of a sudden "doesn't know the answer to anything"...."i don't know" is the answer to everything..secretiveness and that she can get away with being sneaky..falling grades..i want her to answer me..if not, she doesn't get the minutes topped up on her phone..(that hoited)..thought she could change grades on her grade patrol and i wouldn't know..i found out and took her summer trip to disneyland away..tested me on the grades and the threat to go and sit with her in class..went to school with her and she was humiliated..but it was shared with her that this was a consequence of her own actions of lack thereof..her friends think i am mean..she got the point and will never test me again..she vowed to improve on her schooling and quit acting like her friends.."not kewl to be smart" is the motto..but she found out otherwise..she has shared with me what she's learned from this and has yet to face her aunt's, uncles and big sister to explain herself..because they are disappointed in her..i hope she has learned..we will see..

Ashley - posted on 05/19/2009

I totally agree with Cindi! I also have an 11year old daughter (going on 25!) and she's learned quickly that she gets what she gives. That's the best way i've found so far! Also, read the book...wow...is all i can say!

Julianne - posted on 05/19/2009

Hi Barbara, I have a nephew who is practically my son. I noticed that boys are just as hormonal as girls, and we as parents usually don't notice it in boys. Have you sat down the three of you(mom, son, step-dad) and talked it out? Has your son been given any reason not to respect his step-father? For example, have you contradicted your husband in front of him-- where he (your son) would think, "I don't have to do what you tell me because my mom says otherwise". You both as parents can agree/ disagree, the key is if you disagree bring it up in private. My nephew looks up to me and his mother and his grandmother;his fathers not in the picture too much. He has a similar relationship with my husband, as does your son with his step-dad. The most important advice I can give is that depending on how your husband interacts with your son, will determine a great deal of how they treat/respond to each other in the future. Its not about being your son's friend, but a father. If your son's birth father is still in the picture. The three of you (adults) need to come to an understanding of how each of your relationships affect/interact with your son. The "I-think-I-know-it-all stagewill ease up after some life learning lessons. I don't mean anything harse, but within reason. Let him figure it out since he know so much. Be there if you feel you need to be to pick up the pieces. Make sure that you distinguish the roles in the family too. I have a teenager from a previous relationship, she is 13 going on 14, and she too has a step dad. The first couple of years were touch and go around her moody stage, but I suggested to my hubs to not take it personal. You are her father and despite the attitudes, still show her that you love her, and that you are there for her. Don't wait for her to initiate the conversations, or affection--I don't. You cannot play with them all the time, because sometimes children can associate the adults with friends that they would pal around with. So then when the discipline comes into play, it can be clouded, what the role is as the parent[may not be taken seriously, for example].My husband had did the same to my nephew, but over time he let my nephew know where the lines of play were drawn, and he actually is spending time with him more, and the level of respect as an adult and authority figure has changed. Depending on how long the two of you have been in a relationship, I get the impression that the longer you all are together as a family things will get better. Don't give up, have patience, and communicate with each other. I have been with him for nine years, and married for six. Hope this helps, good luck!

Cindi - posted on 05/19/2009

First, know that this is normal and you aren't alone. My 11-year-old daughter is going through the same thing. We use Dr. Leman's philosophy: everything is a privilege. If you aren't going to treat me with respect or follow house rules, then you don't receive the privilege. (Read "Have a New Kid by Friday"). Nothing works all the time, but this seems to keep most of the disrespectful and disobedient behavior at a minimum.