What do you do when your teenage daughter tells you that she is no longer a virgin??? :'0(

Cherlene - posted on 01/14/2009 ( 24 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 15 (will be 16 in March). She just told me that she is no longer a virgin! I really didn't know what to say but I can tell you I was heartbroken. However its too late to change it now so why get furious about what cannot be changed. What I told her is that I love her and want to make sure that she is protected because I know that she is going to do what she is going to do no matter what. I just want to know that she is safe. I didn't want to flip out on her because I feel then she would feel that she cannot talk to me when she needs to. However I AM her mother! Where do you draw the line between mother/daughter relationship and friendship with your child? Please if anyone has anything on this please, please chime in. Thanks in advance everyone!

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Terry - posted on 01/14/2009

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Oh, Cherlene - I feel so differently then what these other mothers have offered to you.  Clearly - being protected is better than the consequences of pregnancy and STDs.  However, condoms, birth control, and any other method to stop the 2 abovementioned unwanteds - cannot protect her from the emotional impact of sharing her body with someone else at such a young, unmarried stage of her life.  The likelihood that this boy plans on committing to her for a rewarding relationship - is, so unlikely.  I am frustrated for your daughter and all other girls of her generation (I have a 14 year old girl) that they are swimming in a cultural message that says abstinence is a ridiculous thought or that their sexual side is something to flaunt or act on.



Yes.  It is so important that your daughter felt comfortable coming to you.  With my daughter the communication lines are always open and, as of now - she feels very comfortable sharing very intimate things with me.  We work very hard at helping her draw lines in the sand that prepare her for the moments where she will have to make decisions about her body - even as small as when is the appropriate time to kiss a boy or hold his hand.  I want to teach her to take each situation under the pretext of how will this affect my mind, my heart, and my body?  So far, all the measures we have taken - (and the measures we have taken are many - including her choices of entertainment and her access to potential harmful media) seem to working.  The other night she talked about a boy she is starting to really like, who she believes likes her.  She is going away on a ski retreat with our church youth group this weekend and she mentioned that she knew there would be opportunity to be with him in more private situations then what she is able to be at home.  I told her she needed to come up with boundaries for herself that she would not cross before she went.  She told me that she had already been thinking of them and had decided that kissing was not was she was willing to do.  Holding his hand while they watched a movie with other kids there would be okay, but holding hands walking around the lodge was not going to be okay.  She expressed that portraying herself as attached to someone didn't feel wise to her, and public displays were something that lent to that perception.



Cherlene - I believe I would begin by making sure (and it seems you have done this) that your daughter knows that no matter what she does cannot affect your love for her.  But, I would most definitely explain to her that what she may feel doesn't matter when she is in the heat of the moment . . . will most likely be something she will wish she hadn't done.  Tell her it is NEVER too late to make the decision to take back the privacy of her body and commit to staying pure before marriage.  The idea that because she is currently having sex means that all is lost and "we ought to just give in" is crazy and wrong.  The decision to abstain from here on out brings about a ton of confidence, self-esteem and self-respect.



The best resource I have found is Focus on the Family - a Christian organization you can find on the radio, publication, and the internet at www.focusonthefamily.com. 



Parenting is a very hard and challenging task.  We often wonder if we are doing the right thing, or if we are making the difference in our children's lives that we believe we need to make.  My whole heart depends on God for guidance and affirmation that He is working on my children's behalf.  I am incapable of doing it all by myself.  Without His Word and His perspective on life - I believe I would be guessing more than I would be confidently acting.



You're a good mom.  Trust in your instincts to be her Mom first, and then a friend secondly.  In the long run - she will be grateful to you for not leaving everything up to her to decide.

Idemmata - posted on 05/23/2012

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i just found out my daughter 14 had sex. told her very bad things and spanked her. i dont know how to deal with it. i need help

Sarah - posted on 03/09/2014

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I'm 15 right now 16 in a week and lost my virginity to my boyfriend of a year last month and I don't regret it one bit I know that all of you moms probably think I'm too young but he's my first for everything and I plan on him being my last I love him and we talk about the future together all the time, if I ever have a daughter I don't care when she has sex I would just want her to be dating the guy for at least 6months and be 100% positive she's ready and they will last, I may have lost my virginity at 15 but I know I'm only going to be with one guy my whole life and that's all that really matters, not when you lose it just who you lose it to, I think you should only do it with one guy and make sure he's the one

Kristie - posted on 10/27/2012

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I felt like I just read my-exact feelings at this moment! That was my exact reaction & I reacted in the same way! I grabbed my phone came into my room & googled how to handle when your teenage daughter just tells you she had sex & someone else worded perfectly was the conversation me & my daughter just had maybe 30 min ago! Just reading that has made me feel better. It makes me feel like I handled it the right way! It's just tough to digest that info but whoever you are, I appreciate knowing someone else just might live their daughter as much as i love mine & I just needed reassurance that I handled it right. But wow im emotionally & mentally still in initial shock!

Margo - posted on 01/14/2009

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You're so right - you got to stay cool. Make sure she knows why you are so concerned that she is protected. I spoke to my children about 1.STDs, they can affect your life longterm and they can be very painful or at least very uncomfortable; 2 pregnancy - does she really want to have to deal with that now. She has to be the one to carry the condoms because boys/men don't have as much at stake. It's a good sign that she told you.

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Abby - posted on 07/15/2014

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I'm 15 (turning 16 in October) . I have to agree with Sarah. When my boyfriend and I had sex. I didn't regret it at all. We love each other, and support each other. He's been there for me more than anyone else when I needed to talk to somebody. Yes, I understand many mom's are going to think we're too young, but honestly I think him and I are going to be together for a long time. I didn't just want to have it with any other guy, I wanted to have it with someone special and the first time was great. Everything was amazing. However, if you moms want to know how to react if your daughter tells you she's not a virgin.. then listen very carefully. Because I think I would know considering I'm a daughter and my mom and I talked about this. So here was my situation. She asked if I was a virgin. I didn't want to tell her truth because I figured she would put me down or not be very supportive about it. So when she told me I could tell her anything.. I did. I told her the truth. She was disappointed. Now that I understood. I mean It's an instinct for a mother to be very upset about that . But then she told my aunt and uncle, made a whole big scene over it, yelled at me and told my business out loud in front of my siblings, and abused me. ( slapped and choked me ) I felt torn, Like my own mother would do something to me like that . The only thing I regret is telling her the truth. Not because she's my mom... But her reaction.
Yes moms, going off on your child or calling them names (slut, hoe, etc.) Can really hurt your daughter. Hurting her or telling someone else can make them not even trust you at all.
That's how I feel about my mother now.
I don't want to tell her anything anymore. Because she did so many other things out of line.
It's important to just talk calmly and Yes, maybe a spanking can be soo much better than anything. But a crazy reaction can easily make your relationship with your daughter so much difficult. you don't want to lose your daughter or make her sad. Now I'm not saying you should be happy that she did it . But at least be there for her, she's a teenager like you were. At this age.. we're lost still trying to find ourselves. We need a female figure to help us and show us the way to go. Talking to them about this stuff is very important. Make sure to keep it between you and your daughter. There's a reason why they're just TELLING YOU. That's your trust right there. Don't lose it. Another thing, make sure you get all the protection you need for her. My mom didn't get me any. I had to it all on my own. Another thing. Set boundaries. You don't have to tell your daughter she's not going to see her boyfriend anymore, or you have break up. (My mom also did this to me ) . Honey, as much as you believe they're going to listen to you and break up with their boyfriend. They're not. Remember, we're teenagers just like how you we're . We try to be sneaky and private between our parents. All they're going to do is sneak behind your back and want to have them more which comes down to..... Sex. And even worst when they don't have protection . So that's a very big deal.
However. Letting them talk on the phone or texting their boyfriend more than seeing them isn't a bad idea. Communication is the key in the relationship so knowing they can still do that is a plus. Now to decreasing the chances of them having sex.. you can always try supervising over them. Trust me, whenever parents are watching there's nothing they can do , so that's another thing.
Well that's just some advice to take for those mothers who need it. I hope I helped.

Barbara - posted on 12/30/2013

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so funny..nice to know 17 year olds have nothing better to do than display that immature disgusting comment.

Cara - posted on 12/15/2012

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Okay so your little baby isnt a baby anymore,
you cant hold on to that forever,
and you did a fantastic job,
but what REALLY matters most RIGHT now is that
1) Sex is at its safest (CONDOM! No other contraception is necessary at this age)
2) She WANTS to do it and is not pressured.
3) If she ought to do it again (and she just might), be prepared for her experiences and make sure you're her guardian and are then when you need it most.
4) Be ready to counsel her on sex and boys (or girls)

There is no need to be angry, it can shock and hurt you, but girls and boys start being active around this time for many reasons. Sexual maturity is touchy, but you know your daughter better than ANYONE on this forum so it is you at the end who will know best
Good luck
xx

Michelle - posted on 09/23/2012

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I disagree that there is a reason like wanting attention when a 16 year old tells you that she has had sex for the first time. I daughter told me and she just turned 16. I told my mother a week after I lost my virginity so I feel that a child being able to talk to their parent about anything especially about losing their virginity is a sign of great trust that child has for you.

Courtney - posted on 09/19/2012

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You are already doing a great job and dont need anyones advice the fact that your daughter came to you is amazing

Shannon - posted on 09/18/2012

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I am 16 and I lost my virginity just after I turned 16. I would never tell my mother so already I think that that is a good sign that she is being honest with you.

I do think its kind of weird that she told you though, I mean did you tell your mother when you lost your virginity?? I dont think so... Your should try and find out if there is a reason why she told you? Maybe she is trying ot get attention from you or tell you/ prove something to you by doing this? I don't know I just think it is not very normal to tell your mom that.

Heidi - posted on 06/07/2012

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First, she told you and you must express that you are so glad she trusted you enough to tell you! Next step - take her for birth control (investigate all the different types with her and let her choose) and tell her out of love you will remind her to take it at the particular time of day she likes, so that you know she's protected.

Boundaries must be established as the mom - make rules about whether you are allowing sex in your home or not - how often she can be with her boyfriend during school nights - etc. Its also important to stress that just because she's chosen to have sex, she can also choose to stop it at any time (eg. with her boyfriend if it is not fulfilling for her or if its all he wants to do and she's feeling ignored) AND, she can choose to NOT have sex in her next relationshp. Its not like if you did it with one boyfriend you have to do that with every boyfriend. Its her perrogative!

I know its devastating but these things help her reinforce that you are still her mom and there have to be rules but it also shows her that you still love and accept her. You're doing everything right, I think. Just keep it going!
Cheers

Georgina - posted on 06/06/2012

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My daughter did the same to me at the same age. The trouble is that the relationship may end because they are still so young and iIt will cause so much more emotional drama because she is too young to cope with it. I too felt heartbroken, but, it has happened now and you just need to stay calm and keep talking to her about looking after herself. She will need you to be more of a friend about this stuff as maybe not many of her other friends have had this experience yet, and its better she gets the right advice from you. Good luck - I know how you feel.

Allison - posted on 06/03/2012

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First get her checked for any diseases or pregnancy. Then tell her you know she'll do what she wants but you recommend for her to at least wait till she is living on her own to have sex. And if she does have sex to have some sort of protection. My daughter is 14 and when I asked her when she believes its okay to have she said its best to wait until marriage...but that she would probably have sex before. I was shocked until she said that she would wait until she was at least out of high school and collage (If she goes) and living on her own.

Priscilla - posted on 01/18/2009

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Ok I havent gotten to that point yet, and I hope I never will.  Since my children were 8 I have told them that sex is sacred.  WE are a very religous family and they have grown up in the church always very involved in the church at all times. 



However, that alone does not make it secure that they will not have sex.  First I have told my girls that sex is for responsible people.  When you have sex, you are knowingly ackowledging that you can and might get pregnant.  Its just plain and simple. Sex is not for recreation its for procreation. 



I tell my girls that if they have sex, well thats up to them.  I HAVE TOLD THEM I wil not in no way shape or form allow them to take the BC pill.  One, I have told them that sex before marriage is wrong and two BC is against our faith as well. 



I have told them that if they have sex before marriage that they need to be ready to become a mom. 



I dont know if that is what you should tell your daughter.  I mean you could put her on BC but hey I got pregnant on the BC anyways and I was religous at it (this was before i knew it was against my religon)  Im not saying to NOT put your dughter on BC but do you think she will be responsible enough to take it daily.  Not to mention if you go threw Dep or the ring.  it will increase her chances of stroke or heart attacks.  I knew a woman who was paralyzed because of a clot due to the pill.  Also having sex at a young age increases the chances of getting cervical cancer. 



You are right there is a line that needs to be drawn.  I am sorry for your lose because you did loose a precious gift.  She doesnt need to discuss her sexual life with your.  I guess be glad that she did tell you she was sexually acitve cause now you can take some measures, but I do suggest you talk with her on the ramifications of sex can cause.



I have told my girls, if they thiink they are old enough to have sex, they they are old enough to take care of a baby.  I have told them no abortions here.  Having sex comes with repsonibilities.  one of them is accepting the fact that a baby can come forth from such an activity, and they have to be ready for that weather they want to or not!  Sex, like I tell my girls, is not something you do like riding a bike or watching a movie.  Its for people who are stable, who love each other and are ready to be parents. 

Catherine - posted on 01/17/2009

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I absolutely think you said the right things. It is too late, it has been done! She needs to know that you love her and respect her but she also needs to know that you are disappointed and she really needs to know that she must protect herself.  You can love  her as a friend but you still must be a mom. I know, I have 3 daughters (23,19,140 Seen it, done it!! Good luck but it sounds like you handled it well!!

Annalize - posted on 01/17/2009

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I Agree with Alicia. I was also 17 when I had my daughter. I didn't have a open relationship with my mother and my father only talked to me a little about sex. One drunk night and it happened. Lucky for me, I am still with her father, now my husband and have 3 children. However, I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't have a teenage pregnancy. Teenage pregnancy really isn't easy. I have an mother/friend relationship with my now 14 year old and also have to decide about birth control and if I should give her birth control to prevent pregnancy or to let her tell me when she needs it. In your case, I would give her birth control as she is already sexually active.

Alicia - posted on 01/15/2009

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I think it means a lot that she even told you. You always want her to feel and to know that she can talk to you when she needs to, and feel comfortable about doing so. I would definitely get her on some type of birth control. I wish my mom would have done this for me. I was 17 when I had my son (16 years later) I want to do everything in my power to make sure my children are aware of the circumstance. I’m always telling my son about girls, sex and all the responsible that come with it. My mom and dad NEVER talked to me about sex, boys, and I wish I had someone to talk to other than my friends. But I think it is the responsible of the boy and the girl to protect themselves, but we all know that it doesn’t work like that all the time. So this is why I believe she should be on some type of birth control and also yearly pap’s. Better safe than sorry.

Melissa - posted on 01/15/2009

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I agree that she needs to be protected from pregnancy and STD's. It is important for her emotional well being to healthy as well as her body, however, talking to her about respecting herself and her body isn't going to change the act that she MAY still want to have sex. It is still important to get her on birth control. Also, many girls her age go on birth control pills not just for preventing pregnancies but to help regulate the monthly period and the hormones associated with it. Like Michele mentioned -how will she feel when it gets around school that she had sex ... well how would it feel if it got around school that she got pregnant? Your first priority as a mother needs to be protecting and educating your daughter about sex, respecting her body, and what she needs to prepare for.

Michele - posted on 01/15/2009

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I agree with Katie and Terry...



A  first hand look at the consequences can be a shock to them.  It gives them something to think about.   And she can make a better choice next time.  I have mixed feelings on providing birth control and condoms.  It can send a message that as long as you protect yourself its ok.  However....as a parent I wouldn't want to be dealing with a child who is pregnant or dealing with an STD.  Maybe you should take her to the Dr and let the Dr talk to her.  I agree with Terry that  emotional impact  hasn't been  thought about by your daughter.  How is she going to feel when it gets around the school?  How is she going to feel  if and when he dumps her for another girl.  These girls need to be protected from more than pregnancy and STD's.   GL .

Katie - posted on 01/14/2009

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Okay, I think it is a good thing to have open communication, it doesn't mean you have to agree. Keep the door open to those conversations, you never know when they might come and our daughters will need us whenever they choose to share those things. My daughters are 10 and 12 and we have many talks about sex and safety and emotions and risk. I was a wild child when I was young and I am a single mom now trying to make the best life I can for them. I am open with my daughters about my past and tell them that I wish I had made different choices on some issues. I discuss the reprocussions of my choices and make no bones about wanting them to be more conservative and make better LIFE decisions. You're right, she can't ever take it back, but she can be more conservative with her choices from here on out. Boys become "studs" Girls get other names for doing it. Help her understand it's not a popularity contest, it has everything to do with self respect even in the face of friends and boys. Stay open, be the source of good information, always be honest and don't be afraid to be the parent first. Friendship second. Tough sometimes but if I error I would rather error on the safe parent side of things, especially since I know the things I was up to as a teen. Go to some web pages with your daughter and look at videos and blogs and information about pregnant young girls, girls with Herpes and other STD's -- Make it very real for her, they always think it wont happen to them. I definately think you should help her stay protected and I liked what Margo had to say - Guys dont face the same kind of impact, make sure she protects herself. Who is the boy? Is he decent? Be clear with her about the types of boys she chooses to hang with. My heart goes out to you, our daughters will become women...Power to you for being the kind of mom she could talk to. Keep that open line of communication and trust. 

Melissa - posted on 01/14/2009

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Sounds to me like she really trusts you tell you. Don't ruin that trust by alienating her. Keep the lines of communication open. It's great that you stayed calm and collected. Just explain to her about the responsibilities now that she is sexually active and the repurcussions of her actions. I would definitely get her on birth control!! Good luck!

Vanny - posted on 01/14/2009

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Well! she told you she had sex, so she trusts you. Now you get her on birth control and she needs to go for her yearly pap test.

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