What do you do with a 12 yr old boy who refuses to do well in school??

[deleted account] ( 13 moms have responded )

My 12 yr old is constantly coming home with notes from teachers stating that he is not doing any work during class. My son is required to have a signature after each homework assignment noted in his HW notebook, yet he doesnt write down his homework assignments. This drives me insane because when he gets home and i ask him what he has to do for homework he tells me NOTHING...when i try to get him to make up missing assignments he refuses to do so...when i try to get himt to read a book, he sits at the table and wastes time...HE DOESNT READ!! what am i going to do with this child????

IVE DONE EVERYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE UNDER THE SUN...THE ONLY THING I HAVENT DONE IS GIVEN HIM A SPANKING!!!!

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Aimee - posted on 03/18/2009

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Michele, My 10 year old son is currently going through the same thing. After counseling, testing, teacher meetings, emails, phone calls...you name it...we have come to the conclusion that our son is lazy. He also has this poor me syndrome. We're not sure why, because there's nothing traumatic about his life (boring married parents, house, cars, sister, pets...bland). We have gone through the no home work bull and have had D- in several classes this past trimester. So, solution for us is this:



NO video games, TV, computer, DS

NO phone calls to friends

NO outside time with friends

He MUST bring home every book for every class he has every night of the week...if he forgets he's grounded another week.

He MUST bring home his agenda filled out and signed by every teacher every night if he doesn't he's grounded another week.

He WILL keep his room clean and respect his property.



Did this work right away? NO, we're on week two, but it's Wendesday and I can already see a change in him. He's done everything he's been told for two days and he feels good about himself. We've also realized that when he was in his room not cleaning it he was just playing his guitars, we took his guitars away from him...OUCH! This has been extremely hard for me and his Dad but we've had to stay consistant and strong. (Which I can see is a tricky situation for you and your x-husband, I wish that were easier for you.) As far as everyone 'yelling and nagging' him. I told our son that if no one gave a crap about him, no one would 'yell and nag' they would just ignore him. But because people care about him and know that he can do better than what he his doing, they 'get on him'. He's finally realizng this. It's been a long school year, is it over, are our problems solved...no, I'm sure they're not, but we now can 'handle' them.

Be Strong, This too shall pass!

Barbara - posted on 03/16/2009

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Have you considered homeschooling! I do, and my son has done a complete turnaround. We are a part of a coop group that meets once a week to give him "classroom" experience and also, to help him with certain subjects that I have no clue about, such as Spanish and Latin. We are a part of the homeschool band, we're at church for everything, and he is in sports to give him interaction with other children, to give him exercise, and he simply loves sports. It's amazing how much the entire family has come to love our time together. There are curriculum's and programs that will guide you and give you countability. We use the Christian Liberty CLASS program through the Christian Liberty Press. In our county, 22% if the children are homeschooled. We have organized and been there for each other!

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[deleted account]



my son decides to be a jerk when he knows he has been in trouble with school.....or when he is NOT having his way with me.....ONLY at these specific times......so right now its pretty consistent!!! i feel like im all "talked out"



its like im beating my head against the wall bc every suggestion that everyone has mentioned ive done that.....i try to reason with him, i yell, i cry, i take things away, i try and offer him things like giving him special alone time (since i have 3 boys) i've spoken to the teachers, i have had him in therapy......ive tried just about everything under the son and i dont know what works for him!!!! FRUSTRATED I AM!!!!!



 



 



 



Quoting Cindi:

I found out with my 11 year old that did the same exact things that he DID NOT just wake up every morning and decide to be a jerk. He wants to do better there happened to be some other problems with him. ie having an older mother than his peers believe it or not we just do things differently. And another thing just because the problems children have may seem imaginary to us as parents they are very real to your child. I now have mine in therapy and he is working the problems he has out. For the 1st time in a long time this school year we made the honor roll again. And I didn't know if it was going to be possible for me to make it through this with him, but things are turning around. Be patient, observant and look for other education alternatives, Sylvin learning, look into an IEP, or a school with a theraputic component. .





 

[deleted account]

i find myself consistantly telling my son that if you do what u need to do i wouldnt be as hard on you as i am now.....that also goes for his teachers as well.....he constantly complains about his math teacher being mean and nasty towards him and the rest of the class....ive met his math teacher and have spoken to her on SEVERAL occasions regarding his lack of work and his behavior and i can see her frustration......hence me telling my son that if he gets his act together everyone will get off of his back....that works for about 5 whole minutes and he is back to his ususal BS!!!!

 



Quoting Deborah Glaze:



I agree with Christina about taking everything away from him that he most enjoys.  Also, going to school with him.  If at all possible show him a movie that is related to this situation so he can realize how important it is to get an education.  My son is 12 as well and we try to let him know that it is not as important to get straight A's, but to do your best and for some reason that seems to take off some of the pressure and in return he does well.  I also think it is very important for the 2 adults in this situation to get on the same page for the childs sake.  Good Luck!





 

[deleted account]



you know it kills me....bc im always in his school speaking to his teachers trying to find ways we can work together to help him.....his father and i had a parent teacher meeting and what was brought up was after each class he is SUPPOSED to get a signature for every homework assignment given by that particular teacher.....and the child STILL comes home without signatures......when i question him on what he has to do for homework he tells me that he doesnt have any homework!!!! and if i dont see the teachers signature i dont believe him.....i think at 12 yrs old he SHOULD be responsible enough to remember to get a teacher's signature.....BUT OBVIOUSLY HE'S NOT!!!



his "i dont care attitude" is what's bringing him down......



Quoting Tracy:

Try asking the school for a "teacher consultant". I had one for my son who "forgot" homework and assignment and everything from class. The teacher consultant would go in to his class and make sure he copied everything into his homework assignment book and made sure he put everything in his backpack he needed for homework. It worked......for a while and then we had to repeat it again. It helps if the teacher is nice about it and helps too.





 

Deborah Glaze - posted on 03/17/2009

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I agree with Christina about taking everything away from him that he most enjoys.  Also, going to school with him.  If at all possible show him a movie that is related to this situation so he can realize how important it is to get an education.  My son is 12 as well and we try to let him know that it is not as important to get straight A's, but to do your best and for some reason that seems to take off some of the pressure and in return he does well.  I also think it is very important for the 2 adults in this situation to get on the same page for the childs sake.  Good Luck!

Tracy - posted on 03/17/2009

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Try asking the school for a "teacher consultant". I had one for my son who "forgot" homework and assignment and everything from class. The teacher consultant would go in to his class and make sure he copied everything into his homework assignment book and made sure he put everything in his backpack he needed for homework. It worked......for a while and then we had to repeat it again. It helps if the teacher is nice about it and helps too.

Cindi - posted on 03/17/2009

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I found out with my 11 year old that did the same exact things that he DID NOT just wake up every morning and decide to be a jerk. He wants to do better there happened to be some other problems with him. ie having an older mother than his peers believe it or not we just do things differently. And another thing just because the problems children have may seem imaginary to us as parents they are very real to your child. I now have mine in therapy and he is working the problems he has out. For the 1st time in a long time this school year we made the honor roll again. And I didn't know if it was going to be possible for me to make it through this with him, but things are turning around. Be patient, observant and look for other education alternatives, Sylvin learning, look into an IEP, or a school with a theraputic component. .

Chantal - posted on 03/15/2009

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I've gone through the very same thing with my 12 year old.... still do sometimes. Like you say, there's not much you can do physically since you can't force him to do it. So, I've decided to stop getting frustrated and just let him make up his mind, but he knows that if he's not done his work or if he 'forgets' his homework or his HW book, he does not have any access to video games or computer (this is his favourite thing) and he accepts the consequences at school too (detentions/missed recesses). And, if he gets a homework notice on a Friday, he is grounded from these things for the whole weekend. So, on the most part, he will decide to keep up with his work. You just have to find what he likes best and calmly tell him that it's his decision. Stick to it calmly (they like to see us lose our patience I think)

Melinna - posted on 03/14/2009

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Michele: Boy, you have your hands full! What fun parenting can be...Just stick to your guns. Try to get some consistency with his father, that's probably going to help more than anything else (easy for me to say, right?)...Maybe school isn't his thing...maybe he needs a different kind of program where he can learn in another way...check with your school district.

Stephanie - posted on 03/14/2009

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my son went through this stage also.and is still doing it to some extent. ask him if the work is boring him. if it is, ask the school to do a placement test on him . he may just need somethin more challenging. that was and is what bothers my son. he got held back for missing too much school in grade school. and for not doing the work. so he's 2 years behind. and he has told me he doesnt like going over the same information year after year.

[deleted account]



he is already going to detention.....not so much bc his homework is not done, but for arriving to school late!!!! its a complicated situation....my boys come from 2 households.....when they are with their dad, his rules are in effect, when they are with me MY RULES are in effect.....so when my son is HERE, EVERYTHING is taken away for lack of RESPECT!!! unfortunately i cant say the say applies at their dads home!!!!



as for him speaking to someone, he will be seeing a pyschologist in april.....he was seeing one in the past, but had to change therapists bc the one he was seeing wasnt getting through to him!!! hopefully we will have a better run this time around!!!!



 



 



Quoting Christina:

Routine, Routine, Routine...if he doesnt want to do the work in school, go to school w/ him, take everything away from him, he's not allowed to do anything until his homework is done, maybe he should stay after school in detention for some extra homework time. And maybe you should set up for him to speak to someone to find out if there is anything else going on





 

Christina - posted on 03/14/2009

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Routine, Routine, Routine...if he doesnt want to do the work in school, go to school w/ him, take everything away from him, he's not allowed to do anything until his homework is done, maybe he should stay after school in detention for some extra homework time. And maybe you should set up for him to speak to someone to find out if there is anything else going on

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