what to do when hubby doesn't control SS

Laura - posted on 04/14/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My SS is 13 years old, and since his Dad gave me a ring 2 years ago, he's wanted nothing to do with me (which has caused MAJOR problems with hubby and I)...I feel we shouldnt have to do "special" things for him to come over, but when he goes snowmobiling with hubby or we go camping is the only time we see him, and I also feel that its wrong to have him pick and choose who he wants to be with (hubby and almost 4 yo SD, but not our girl of 15 months or me)..he gets all or not at all. It upsets me that hubby's relationship has suffered because of SS's attitude, but this is what I feel is right. Easter weekend we went camping as is our tradition, and SS was a wise ass and smart aleck, and hubby didnt do anything. I talked to him about it soon after SS did these things (SEVERAL times over the weekend) and hubby said "He's just being a 13 year old." I disagree...I think his disdain for me is reaching new heights. I just thought of telling hubby if he doesn't control SS better, I was gonna start telling him when he does something like this "Thats uncalled for". What do you think? Any ideas would be welcome.

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Laura - posted on 04/15/2010

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Thanks so much for the advice Lori. Unfortunately, biomom is part of the problem here as well....when hubby and she split, she'd decided to live the lesbian lifestyle, and is a very bitter woman. She also wants not whats best for SS, and to be his friend instead of his mom. She also wants to hurt hubby and I and it doesn't register that shes hurting SS as well. Hubby has decided not to do things my way anymore, as it didnt work (he says) and degraded his relationship with SS. So I have several problems working together. SS has ALREADY made it known he's not gonna do chores...he just wants to either do something with hubby and SD or just hang out with hubby. (Last spring he called his Dad asking him to ride the tractor around the yard cutting grass "slave labor"...the years before he JUMPED at the chance to do it.) And because hubby is trying to mend his relationship, he doesn't make SS do anything he doesn't want.

Lori - posted on 04/14/2010

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Out of experience, I'm advising you to stand your ground. Do not put tolerate behaviors that you wouldn't tolerate out of your own children. Some of it is age kicking in and some things are understandable. For example, my daughter aka stepdaughter likes skipping weekends with Dad to go hang out with friends. We do not allow her to do this but state that if there's something she'd like to do with friends she's welcome to have friends over or her dad will provide transportation to and from whatever activities she's got planned with her friends. We no longer specificlly plan activities around when my daughter comes or does not come. That quit happening when my daughter wanted to stop sharing in responcibilities shared by ALL family members in the home. Now, it depends on if she shares in those responsibilities or not. Aside from that it's important to have inclusion but it's also important to give yourselves a break from the stress of the situation and do things with only the children who reside there full time. I do not tolerate any sort of direct disrespect from any of my children in my home. Generally, I can control the actions and words of my daughter by simply stating that the behavior or attitude is inappropriate but sometimes I have to be both mean and blunt about it. Major attitude was being tossed around at biomom's house as well. So bad that biomom and stepdad on the other side had to call and ask for assistance. She was so rude and belligarent that I had to tell her that she had problems that had absolutely NOTHING to do with me and she needed to work them out before she came back the next time. That was just over a month ago and things have been going pretty smoothely ever since. Different things work with different kids. I understand the fighting with your husband as well over it ALL TOO well. We had the exact same problem when we first got married. Unfortunately, because we'd been together for so long we thought we'd be okay but we weren't. That first year of marriage and second year of marriage were so difficult for a lot of the same reasons. I figured out what it was~Children ALWAYS want to see their biological parents together. It doesn't happen until after marriage because marriage is permanenet. Idea now is to try to throw a wrench into the marriage. Don't give in. The best way to avoid huge confrontations between you and your husband are to discuss the "expectations" of the household. Express to one another what you feel is reasonable and unreasonable in the situation. Discuss options~Loss of privilages being HUGE help. If it's possible work with the other side. Bring your concerns up to biomom and discuss options. Perhaps the same type of behaviors are going on in the primary home as well and you just don't know it. For example: If he gets grounded at home why have it free reign when the child is in your home? Vice versa, if you decide to ground him for two weeks until he comes back see if biomom is willing to uphold the punishment at her house. Above all~if your son isn't going to respect you, your husband and your family~STOP DOING!!! You are not a doormat and do not deserve to be treated as one!!! Equility of the children is important but there's a fine line. Set rules, bounderies, expectations and you and your husband STAND FIRM on them. If your son pops off with something like "I don't have to do that at my mom's house!" say something along the lines of, "That may be so in your primary home but this is your secondary home and we do expect that here." Furthermore, there are several groups on circle of moms for stepparents and several other issues surronding blended families. I hope that this information is helpful and I wish you and your family the best of luck.

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