Why doesn't my 13 year old daughter want to be clean?

Stacy - posted on 05/04/2013

Hello...UPDATE, My daughter is going to be 15 in about 5 weeks and the hygiene thing has gotten a lot better. She takes a shower everyday during the summer and every other day in the winter. She's wearing make-up, fixing her hair, and always worrying about the way her clothes look on her. She also has a boyfriend now and that even made a huge difference. Over the last 6-9 months her body has really changed and she's grown about 4 inches. It's amazing how much she's grown into a beautiful teenager. So thank goodness she has grown out of this not cleaning thing, but it was the longest 12-14 months of my life. LOL Just kidding.
Thanks so much for all the posts it really was very helpful.

Sharon Rollins - posted on 04/08/2013

When I turned 13, my hair started to get oily. I didn't get my period until I was 14. It drove my mother crazy that I went around with oily hair half the time. She suggested that I wash my hair every day, but I think I just hated that whole process of washing it, and dealing with the wet hair afterwards (blow-drying it to me was a pain and leaving it wet to airdry was uncomfortable). I was very lazy about my hygiene, but not about my schoolwork and chores. I ended up only washing my hair every 2-3 days, and only then because my mother would tell me that my hair was practically dripping it was so greasy. You would've thought that would've shamed me, but it didn't. The only day my hair looked clean would be that one day when I showered and washed it. I know I had underarm odor, too, because I resisted wearing the deodorant. My mother's approach was to let it go, so that I would pay the consequences for my poor hygiene. The strange thing is that even though I had very few friends, if any, during that time, I was never motivated to clean up. I was teased and picked on (not for my hygiene, surprisingly), and looking back, I think I was depressed. If I had some girlfriends who had encouraged me to be girly with them, perhaps I would've started to care. But I had nobody except for my younger sister and her friends, who didn't care how dirty my hair was.

We moved after I graduated from 8th grade. That summer I was still bad about hygiene. But when I started high school, I somehow started to realize that it was important for me to not look or be unclean. I didn't style my hair, but did begin to wash it daily, as well as put deodorant on daily.

By my sophomore year I had finally started my period (yes, I was a late bloomer, physically and emotionally), and began to style my hair and wear prettier clothes. By my junior year, I was as well groomed and well dressed as any female at the school.

Now I have two daughters of my own, and my 13 year old is very resistant to showers still. My 11 year old showers daily and primps without being asked. They have very different personalities. My 11 year old is a self-starter and very independent. My 13 year old used to resist brushing her teeth, but now that she has braces, she has to keep them clean and the dentist convinced her of the importance of it. She usually wears deodorant if we are going out somewhere, but at home sometimes doesn't. She gets very angry if I insist that she showers, but will do so with anger and complaining. She is finally interested in boys a little bit, and that helps, but in her mind she thinks that nobody cares about her hygiene. She'll say, "Nobody cares how clean my hair is, only you!" She does have plenty of friends, who are well groomed. Her best friend's mother has to force her daughter to take showers, etc., too, so she goes through the same thing I do.

There was a girl making fun of my daughter's bff for having smelly underarm odor. Ever since, her best friend does wear deodorant most of the time.

So, it appears to me that the some possible reasons for lack of hygiene in girls are: laziness, don't like the time and trouble it takes, and no repercussions for being dirty. Depression could cause the lack of motivation, as well.

The solution appears to be: either force them to do it, or let them pay the price by being teased about it, or not wanting to have dirty hair/teeth around their friends, including boys they think are cute. If they still don't care, even when it is pointed out by friends, maybe something more deep-rooted, like depression or oppositional defiant disorder, etc. (or other issues or rebellion) are at play.

I am waiting for my daughter to outgrow this. I had to force her to shower this morning, and she begrudgingly did.

Brittany - posted on 04/07/2013

Honestly I was like this until I was about 16 then I took two showers a day brushed my teeth 3 times a day and allways wore make up and washed my clothes like every hour, it just like hit me and then I loved being clean, maybe bring a friend round with a goodlooking son her age then she'll feel embarrassed and go get clean and pretty

Sallie Ben - posted on 04/02/2013

I have heard that blending families is beyond tough and hard to do successfully. Any chance of your blended family all going to the shrink together? I like your idea of house rules like-you can come if you are presentable- that is a rule for everyone.

That is what I was taught about steps. The rules are about the HOUSE and everyone in it. Pick up after yourself, bathe, etc.

Your marriage may suffer if you don't find a way to soften your heart (and I am very sympathetic to your feelings about this, I would feel the same way).

Good luck!

Sallie Ben - posted on 04/02/2013

what???? Is this for real???? You bathe your 18 year old? Please don't fill up this site with crap comments. These moms are seriously seeking solutions. Thanks.

Nelly - posted on 03/24/2013

I have 4 kids 18,16,14 and 12 yrs old I have never had this problem I have always bathed my children. Now with my 18 yr old I still bathe him every other day that way I make sure that they are properly bathed

Karyn - posted on 03/19/2013

This is to Sandra - I know this is a little OT but since you kinda went on a rant about your stepdaughters.................please please please be the kind of stepmom they need not the kind I had. Listen to what you are saying - "their mom wants time to herself since she broke up with her boyfriend"..........all they do is eat/sleep/watch tv..........look at it from their perspective they are only CHILDREN don't judge them so harshly & try to love them. Instead of criticizing show them a better way. Offer them more attractive activities than Cartoon Network. If they love you & their dad & they love being at your house they will gladly cooperate with you. You cannot fight with what their mom does, but you can simply state "this is our house & these are our rules". They can sense your contempt of them & their mom & it;s only going to hurt everyone in the end. You have written them off & they know it. If you & dad start fighting about it, it's going to kill your relationship. Rise to the occasion.

AndyandBelle - posted on 03/12/2013

It's the age...mostly. And all kids are different. My 13 year old loves all that girly stuff but has to be reminded all the time to shower/wash her hair. I finally got mad and issued a warning to her and my 12 year old daughter (same situation) that if they do not start taking care of themselves (ie. showering/hair maintenance) we will be cutting off their hair to their chins (both have hair down their backs). This has helped!! If they can't or don't take care of it then it's gone.

Sandra - posted on 03/08/2013

I also need to add that my teenagers boys are no better when it comes to keeping a clean room but at they shower and clear their plates from the table. I don't want to appear that I'm picking on my step-daughters as my husband felt as I was?

Sandra - posted on 03/08/2013

At this point I have given up the discussions/battles with showering and good hygiene. I recently met with my step-daughters physician for some insight on the subject since she has some learning disabilities. Explained the situation, and he basically suggested we stop enabling her. My new idea is this, if you are not presentable when we leave to go out: store, shopping, dining, etc. Then you need to stay at home. I'm tired of people looking at us in public and giving us dirty looks. My step-daughters can give us all the excuses of why they don't need to shower, brush hair and teeth. My twin boys have a fan club of girls chasing after them. Very pretty girls, nice hair, well maintained etc. I would think that my step-daughters would follow suit especially if they want a boyfriend? But everything is Mom doesn't make us shower, our clothes smell because our pets sleep on them at Mom's house etc. So Mom doesn't make them, so why should we listen to Dad and his new wife? They have it in their heads, that their Mother makes the rules and we don't have to listen to anyone other than Mom. But these days their Mom wants her free time since she has broken up with her boyfriend. So our step-daughters have been adhering to the visitation schedule. I recently took my step-daughter for a haircut and the hairdresser explained the importance of washing her hair etc. since my step daughter has cradle cap at 17 years of age. I thought perhaps she would listen - coming from someone other than me and her father? Like I have mentioned, I have given up. I will only focus on my children in this relationship. I'm tired, and exhausted at this point. Bottom line they act like animals: Get up in the same dirty clothes, go to the fridge, look for food, nap, watch "Cartoon Network" all day - repeat - repeat and then Sunday evening rolls around and they leave. 2+ days of no showering, not picking up their rooms, dirty clothes on the floor. They can't clear their plates after they eat..etc. But if they hear the garage door open, and notice we are going somewhere. They will have motivation in hopes of going out to a fast food restaurant, or getting some tangible good. I'm fed up at this point.

Tonia - posted on 03/07/2013

I have a hmm 18 yr old, yes that's right an 18 yr old daughter, who doesn't bathe! At first I
thought maybe she is just tired I mean she does work, but part time and also attends school,anyway she is always coming in from work she will run upstairs throw every thing on the floor , put on make-up, do her hair and even brush her teeth, but she will not bathe! I have 2 other kids a 14 yr old daughter and a 23 yr old son. And the three of us try to come up with nice polite ways to her she really stinks,,,,,,bad! I am so ashamed and I don't know how to talk with her I know it has to be done before someone else tells her and she gets upset, please help me sinking in stink!!!

Corleta - posted on 11/12/2012

You would think that if someone in the peer group pointed out the bad hygiene that they would straighten right up but my 11-year old step-daughter hasn't yet and have been told by peers and teased. Her body odor is so offensive that it was suggested by parents and students at the karate school she attends to suspend or expell her. Get this, I am one of the master instructors! It is so embarrasing for me and my children and it looks bad on me as the mother. Sometimes I wonder if she is just trying to break up the family.

Vanessa - posted on 11/02/2012

Sandra - my mom remarried when I was your stepdaughters' age, and I always slept and stayed in the same clothes while I was at her and her new husband's apartment for the weekend. I was clean at my own house, but I just felt really weird and vulnerable about showering and changing clothes in someone else's home, around a person I didn't know very well (stepdad). I didn't want to be there to begin with and didn't feel like it was my home, so I just wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV and wait for it to be time to leave. I would guess that since your stepdaughters don't have brothers, they probably feel super uncomfortable about sharing a home and bathroom space with your sons, who are boys their own age, along with whatever other stepfamily-related issues they may have. In time, they'll either get over it as they get used to the new situation, or they'll get old enough to stop weekend visitation and it won't matter.

Sandra - posted on 11/02/2012

We have a blended family - teen twin boys & girls ages 16/18. We are going through the same at our house. My twins have no problem with taking a daily shower. They spend a lot of time primping which I would expect from the girls? But his girls refuse to shower when they come over. At first, I thought if was fear of a new bathroom since we have a new house. I made sure that they have all the same products at their Mom's house. But that doesn't appear to be the case. They will wear the same clothes to bed and get up and not wash their faces, brush teeth, comb hair never mind take a shower. As a step parent, I'm shocked by this behavior. When I asked them, they simply ignore me or call their Mom and inform her that I'm a B*tch. When we go out as a family in public, I'm extremely embarrass because we (parents) are dressed nice and appropriate. Is this a typical teenager defiant disorder or the way they are being raised in their primary house hold? They don't seem to mind their appearance but after they sit all weekend on the couch and don't shower nor change their clothes and undergarments - the smell left on the furniture is not pleasant.

Trina - posted on 10/20/2012

I'm having the same problem with mine but she doesn't want to keep her room clean either! I've tried explaining to her how important it is to be clean & she tells me she puts deodorant on but by the smell I know for a fact she does not. Her room smells like BO & pee & I've taught her to wash her own clothes to give her some responsibility but she can't even do that, she pulls dirty clothes out of the dirty hamper to wear over & over again!! I'm struggling with that & also her hoarding all kinds of food in her room & I've had so many conversations with her about this that I've made a doctors appt to try & figure thus out bcz she's overweight. I'm very frustrated at all this & we are a blended family do I feel that there is only so much that I can do at thus point!! So if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it very much!; :)

Kim - posted on 08/29/2012

My 14 1/2 year old daughter is a mess. She is in 8th grade and continues to fight with every hygenic request we ask her to do. My husband says let her go and her peers will take care of the problem by making fun of her. But I feel when she is in public she should be and is a reflection of me and her dad. So frustrating! She "washes" her hair but never uses enough shampoo and then won't rinse it thouroughly and it ends up looking dirtier and greasier then before. Her scalp has something similar to cradle cap because of the build up. Her teeth are rotting out of her head and she thinks she is doing a good job brushing them. It is aweful to take her to the dentist because the dentist looks to me like I should be doing more like brushing her teeth for her......I want to yell and say you try coming into my home and telling a 14 year old that you are going to brush their teeth for them......I feel like a failure! Darn teenagers!

Jennifer Lynn - posted on 08/26/2012

I have this same exact issue with my 11 yr old daughter. It is a constant battle daily to get her to do even the smallest of things to do with hygiene. She wont shower properly, put on deodorant, brush her hair and or teeth. She sometimes pees in her pants and then leaves them on and lying around the house stashed in her clean clothes and won't tell anyone. I advised her tonight that she was going to start washing her own clothes since she wont change, and when she runs out of clean clothes, due to lack of actually washing them as she should, then I did not want to hear the complaining. I have cried, and screamed and begged and pleaded. We have even tried the awards system, for things she should already be doing on her own. She is a very lazy preteen and we have tried everything to change this. She just will not budge. We are not sure where to go from here and I feel I am going to loose my mind over it. If anyone has any suggestions please please please respond. Thank you.

Vanessa - posted on 02/18/2012

My daughter is 13, and showering/hair washing has been an issue for at least three years. She's gotten a lot better about it this school year - I still have to remind her 80 percent of the time, but when I tell her it's time to shower she goes without a fight. I enforce it on school nights, but let her slide on weekends unless she stinks so bad I can smell her from a distance. The funny thing is that she loves clothes and makeup and perfume - I can't understand why she'll spend half an hour getting her makeup just right, but not 10 minutes washing her hair. Teenagers are weird!

Holly - posted on 02/15/2012

My son had this issue....until we Googled gum disease and cavities.



Seeing those images cured that mess overnight. We still have to remind him it's time....but, he's up and at it without hassle!

Rose - posted on 02/03/2012

I just posted something very similar before I read your post!

My daughter is also 13 (turned 13 in Nov. of 2011).

She gets made fun of at school for having very hairy legs and for having a "uni-brow" but she says she doesn't care what others think of her. She has bad acne but won't wash her face unless I constantly remind her. Also doesn't shower or brush her hair or wear deodorant unless I tell her to.

When I tell her, she doesn't fight or argue, she does it no problem-but she just won't do it on her own without being constantly reminded. I let it go one weekend just to see and she went all weekend in the same clothes, even sleeping in them and did not bathe or brush teeth or hair until I made her do it on Sunday evening!

She says she hates clothes and she thinks makeup is stupid.

Also, she recently had her first period. She actually was having it for a couple of days before she told me about it because I found her stained underwear in the laundry. I asked her why she didn't tell me and she said she didn't notice! How do you not notice blood in your underwear?!

Stacy - posted on 01/25/2012

So since I wrote this it has gotten real bad with her brushing her hair. About a week ago I was done with telling her over and over to take care of her hair, which was down to her waist. So I cut it off..I cut about 5 inches off and now she's doing much better. We'll see how long it lasts. ;) As far as the brushing of her teeth???? Still working on that one.

Stacy - posted on 01/25/2012

She's not depressed or anything like that, I really think she's just really lazy! lol

Sara - posted on 01/18/2012

@ Catherine Castro--regarding the situation with your child not wanting to brush their teeth....What Ive done and still do at times when my child starts to slack off on brushing and works really well.... I take all junk food away! I say " Hey, Ive noticed its been like 3days since you've brushed your teeth, whats going on? 10 yr old Child: I lost my toothbrush: Me: Sorry to hear that, well, until you find it or until Im able to make it to the store to get you another one, I cant promise when though...these are the foods you cant have becuase they cause cavities in your teeth and becuase mommy wants you to have strong healthy teeth and keep that beautiful smile of yours...as your mom..I feel its best for you to stay away from: chips, cookies, cereal, pizza, ice cream, pancakes....anything that is sweet and not REAL food.....My Child:(within the hour) Guess what mom! I found my toothbrush! Me: that is great! since you missed 3 days of brushing...please brush for 5 minutes, not 3 and tomorrow you can enjoy all your favorite foods! See Catherine...he learns to take responsibility to not lose his toothbrush and if he wants to enjoy having chips and such..then he needs to brush...because having those things is a reward.....Honestly, I dont really buy my kids alot of junk food when we grocery shop, but at times they want to enjoy chips or a doughnut or a soda at the theater...and they can! If they're being responsible and earned it:)

Sara - posted on 01/18/2012

Also, there are books at Barnes and Noble for girls who are going through body changes. its really good! it called american girl....maybe you can get her books on why its important to be clean...and get books from the library about skin diseases and skin rashes and leave them laying around so she can see them when your not looking and glance at how she can possibly get those skin things from not being clean...Educate her about her body...but in a positive way...this helped me with my 12 year old when she started asking questions her body;).. . Lastly, you may want to talk to her one on one..maybe during bed time and ask her if she needs to talk about anything...something might be bothering her, even surprising her with a journal to write down her feelings...so that she has a place to let go of her thoughts...I hope some of this helps and I wish you all the best in getting your daughter to care for herself as much as you would like her to...Best of Luck to you both...

Sara - posted on 01/18/2012

Sometimes, as parents, even though we know whats best for our children. We need to allow them to endure the consequences of their own actions/ choices/ behavior. This morning...both my children..forgot something they needed for school(FYI..there school is 20mins away..driving) My 12 year old forgot her sweater in the car and then my10 year old forgot his lunch! Both! called asking me to bring it to them....I said "Im sorry but im very busy today and am not driving that way, I really hope tomorrow you will do something different that helps you remember not to leave your things in the car"...then I said...have a great day at school, LOVE U!... Kids learn from their irresponsibility, when they feel the consequences from it....lets say i would have said " okay ill be over there right now!"...Most likely, they will do it agian and not ever work on how they are going to try to not forget their belongings, becuase they know mom will just bring it to them. Basically, if your daughter CHOOSES to be unclean...let her...in time...her uncleanliness will start to catch up to her...Someone else will tell her....but nagging her isnt the best...also...give her options...let her choose one day during the week to shower and one day on the weekend...let her know if she breaks the agreement...then the consequences will be no television on weekends or no hanging out with such and such until she CHOOSES to follow your rules...arguing and scolding..only makes a teen put up a wall and be resentful...that they learn how to frustrate you more...but...your the parent...you set the rules...boundaries...believe me...in time your child will shower...because even she wont be able to stand the smell....but allow her to figure it out...and face the consequences of her choices....in time she will see that she should have listened to her mom:)

Jen - posted on 01/02/2012

If that doesn't work; take her to the pool regularly. I"ve heard from other parents who had the same problems, use to take advantage of the chlorine to help clean thier smelly teens/pre-teens.

Until buying Axe etc and forcing the kid in the shower actually starting working.

Jen - posted on 01/02/2012

I think its because they can't smell themselves. More accurately they kind of get immune to their own smell; their nose can't smell it I guess.

I think after a set amount of time of doing something regularly; it becomes habit. At least I hope that works for pre-teens and teens. I've got a couple kids who are the same way. I have to force my 12 year old to shower every day before school...AND force her to wear clothes only once. Otherwise she'll start to smell.

For teen boys, the problem was solved when someone bought them a full set of Axe body wash; "detailer" (its not a pouf..its a detailer. I try not to roll my eyes when my 15 year old tells me that.) etc etc.

For my 12 year old, I've been buying her girly body wash for herself; nice smelling body spray etc....and her own pouf. It becomes easier, forcing her to shower every school morning.

I don't know how long until she does it on her own, because its become habit....I hope sometime this school year.

Luvmia - posted on 01/02/2012

Do you think it is a possibility that your daughter may be depressed or something else is bothering her?

Iris - posted on 12/22/2011

well might just be a faze have you tried just talking to her about it?? Perhaps take her the doctor so the doc can scare her a bit on what can happen if shes not clean lol :) People will start to say things to her another approach would be well let her be nasty and dirty.. people will talk and it will eventually embarrass her, unless there is something else going on such as depression. I would def talk to her, make sure she is ok and nothing is happening in her life to make her sad..

KatieCampoli - posted on 12/15/2011

You Have To Wash Her Hair?
Ok... So I Would Get Her In The Shower, Ask Her, Do You Know How To Wash Your Hair Now,____?
Also, Watch Her Do It. If She Does'nt, Take Her Phone, LapTop, Ipod, Etc. Away, And Don't Give It Back Until She Does EveryThing You Wish Her To Do, For A Week.
I Don't Think Your Doing Anything Wrong, I Think She , Not To Be Rude Or Anything, Is Just Being Lazy.
Also If She Has Gotten Her Period Yet, Or Just Got It, This Could Just Be Some Hormones, Or Symptoms Kicking In.

Antoinette - posted on 12/14/2011

I have a 12 year old, and she sometimes goes through this also I think it just has to do with them not feeling up to it, lazy cuss, I have be on her and make sure she does everyday or she well just nod it off, so much going on in there lifes that they can't take time out to take a shower and brush there teeth!!! I have to take her phone away and turn the t.v off completly to get her attention.

Heather - posted on 12/12/2011

We're having the same problem with our 11 year old daughter, so I'm curious to see what kind of feedback you get here.

Jen - posted on 12/12/2011

Read Have a New kid by Friday by Kevin Lehman. It really helped our family! he teaches you how to use what he calls reality disicipline.

Holly - posted on 12/05/2011

Onece my 12 yr old was embarrassed by the zits forming around her oily hairline....she got teh motivation to shower and especially clean her face at the end of the day.

She wasn't concerned with her oily hair or our comments on her smell. However when she got a clue she could reduce the outbreaks...we have NO trouble anymore.

Since my son is 2 yrs younger and was pulling the same stunts (actually ran the water and came out of the bathroom trying to scam that he'd showered) until the first zit arrived...I promise this is an excellent motivator.

Just do your homework with them on their skin and get the right products so they see results!!

Rebecca - posted on 12/05/2011

Well I can tell you it doesn't get any better. My 15 year old still fights me on taking a shower on a daily basis. I thought it was a phase she was going through when she was 12, 13 and even 14 - but it is just her. It will be a constant battle in the long run. I am hoping that when she finally gets serious with a boy - it will make her change her ways!

Dian - posted on 12/04/2011

I went through this as well it drove me nuts my daughter would have massive knots in her hair which was down past her butt cheeks drove me crazy then she discovered clothes and boys Now I can't keep up with her laundry and the number of times she washes her hair and showers She is now 13

Catherine - posted on 12/02/2011

Im going nuts just reading this-----Im always on top of my 11 yo daughter to brush her teeth...whats funny is >>>>she likes looking like a diva-----uuugghhh----likes to be popular----no problem showering,,its brushing she forgets to do.what is this about? ----a phase I hope!!!!!!

Stacy - posted on 12/01/2011

Thanks for the input....this drives me crazy because all I feel like I'm doing is yelling at her about the things she should already be doing on her own. Hopefully she will grow out of this very soon or I'm going to cry. lol

Melissa - posted on 12/01/2011

I am going through the same thing with my 11 year old daughter.. she dont like to brush her hair or teeth, and or to take a shower.. I hate fighting with her bout it, cause she is getting to that point where things smell and its not cute. She knows that i take a shower everyday, and i am clean and i try and show her what to do, and what to use. NOTHING. her 7 year old sister loves to be clean, and always on top of it. Not sure what to do..

Debb - posted on 12/01/2011

I'm having the same problem, but with my son. My husband says (he has a daughter who is now 22) that it takes someone in their peer group pointing out the bad hygiene once or twice and then they will start to take more notice of themselves. I was a tomboy and had a big brother, so I copied most of what he did, which included a certain carelessness with my hygiene. I grew out of it, didn't make me want to play in the dirt less, I just cleaned up more often. :)