Being in love and being married, do you think you need one to make the other work?

Lissa - posted on 08/10/2011 ( 21 moms have responded )

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Talking amongst friends they are quite aghast that I don't think being in love has much to do with a good marraige. I think there are far more important things than being "in love" to me that is simply a chemical reaction that wears off after a while. I believe it's like a good friendship , you make time for each other, listen to each other, have respect and value each other but you don't need to be "In love". I think you need to be a good match whether you are alike or completely different, you should work well together. I think you can love and have affection for a person while never being "in love". What do you ladies think, is it important to you?

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Mabel - posted on 08/11/2011

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I understand what you mean and if I cared for that person enough I think it could work.I know there are some who could be happy with that.I mean if you never found your one love but you knew this other person would do what ever it took to make you the ONE WOMAN in his life I think more would be open to that kind of situation.People have just always grown up hearing how we all have a true love and I think sometimes we are blinded to what is really out there because of that.

Angela - posted on 08/10/2011

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I think you are missing out if you don't fall madly crazy in love at least once in your life. I have been in love before but I was really crazy for my husband, I just knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with.
That being said I think that only last a little while and then love evolves and you become partners in life, friends, and can drive each other crazy in a different way.
I was in a loveless marriage before I married my husband, we cared for eachother but I was never in love with him. I did not have kid with him. I got married because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. But I wanted the real deal and we split up amicably. Now that I have the real deal I am glad I am a hopeless romantic. The love is our glue.
But I do think it is possible not be in love and have a good marriage for me was it good enough?

Angela - posted on 08/10/2011

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I know I could fall in love again, because I have been in love before my husband. My first guy I was in love with broke my heart and I did not date for years and I was only in my 20's. I met my ex husband and was not in love with him because I did not choose to pursue that. I was content for a long time... However after some big changes and events in my life I decided I wanted to fall in love again but realized I could never fall in love with my then husband. We were like glorified room mates.
Also falling madly in love for me is different than lust. I only let myself really fall in love 2 times but I fell in lust a few times.
I did read that book about how love effects our brain it was very interesting. I agree with it in many ways that it is a chemical reaction that happens, thus the term love sick. Not to matter I am so glad I have choose to experience it.
But I do think you have to choose for it, for example my Grandmother fell in love once and never ever remarried, dated again after he died. She had been married young and divorced and then she met him, she told me he was her one and only love. What I saw was a woman who made a choice not to fall in love again or even choose for a relationship again because she did not choose to lose like that again.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 08/10/2011

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HAHAHAHAHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa -gasp- ahahahah I love you Shannin. Hell yes ;)

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 08/10/2011

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Lol Oh no... marriage is part of the stupid Disney dream that I want to fufill at some point in my life - paper or not. I'm a big mush ball about holidays, symobolism and things meaning things. I was showing my mom the ring I want the other day - wow, really? I found a ring?! Run boyfriend ;) lol

http://www.celticring.com/ProductDetails...

Mo Anam Cara - friend of my soul, or soul mate. I want ittttttttttttt

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Stifler's - posted on 08/11/2011

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Being in love is very important to me. I don't think I'd stay married if we were just best friends and never had sex or bought each other expensive presents or had pillow fights. but just because i feel that way doesn't mean others marriages wouldn't work if they weren't madly in love with their partner.

Shannintipton - posted on 08/10/2011

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Very well said Laura. After 27 years it is hard to remember that. Thanks for reminding me. :)

Jurnee - posted on 08/10/2011

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I think that some of the traits you describe, mutual respect, listening, making time for each other, those are aspects of love. Love is not just that mad, crazy need for each other, sometimes it begins like that, but love grows into much more. To me the reason two people treat each other well, even when they are angry, pissed off, sad, ect, is becasue they are in love, which causes them to treat each other well. Even when you dont always feel like it, even when the other person doesnt always deserve it. Sometimes the 'in love" feeling comes first,and develops into a mutually respectful relationship, and sometimes friendship grows into love in my experience.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 08/10/2011

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I think madly in love can happen more than once

Lissa - posted on 08/10/2011

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Oh and Nichole I am definitely highly logical I find emotional annoying :)

Lissa - posted on 08/10/2011

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I think you make a very good point about the definition of love Emma. I suppose I am not the type to believe in soul mates, romance, being two halves of a whole and all that stuff. I knew my husband was the right person to marry for a variety or reasons and we married very quickly, maybe I found my soul mate and don't recognise it as such.
I suppose for some they have also had the madly in love and for some reason it couldn't be. Do you all think you only fall madly in love once, or is there repeated chances?

Shannintipton - posted on 08/10/2011

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I have mixed emotions about this one. I dont think lust lasts for ever. However I have heard that long time couple go threw different phases. Lust, love, friends and then they re-find each other. I am still waiting to re-find each other in the lust department. I am good with it weather we re-find it or not. Now marriage I think is important if there is money and kids involved. Other wise marriage is just a piece of paper. Wow did that sound shallow or what. LOL

Emma - posted on 08/10/2011

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I don't think i would want to be married to someone i did not love.

I also think i may define love differently than you. What you describe (the chemical reaction ) to me is being in lust that wheres off.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 08/10/2011

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Exactly. I have felt that I may have possibly loved another more before hand, but my boyfriend now I feel so much more closer to and know damn well we actually have a shot at living a full life together, whereas with an ex that wasn't a possibility. I mean just the other day, I found out more about him after 2 years. It's amazing how much time it takes to truly get to know someone. I feel like we're finally getting down to the nitty gritty bonding. I feel like I finally understand him LOL :) and it makes me happy and lovey all over again. Makes me love him more.



But I wouldn't stay if I wasn't in love. Even as much as my fucker pisses me off sometimes, I'm away from him for 1 day ONE day and am texting him all the time, missing him and wanting to be home again. Even when I'm the maddest at him. That accounts for more than I can ever possibly speak of.

Angela - posted on 08/10/2011

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Well my Disney Movie never played out quite like the movies but I am glad I choose my love marriage over my not in love marriage. It some ways the love marriage is harder because I do love him and we share a child. For me I have so much more to lose than I did with my ex. I guess that is why we ended it so easily.
I agree with you 100% Nichole, look at arranged marriages, etc. it is what works for you. I know people similar to what you described. I also think one should not judge a marriage by like you say the Disney experience. It is far from reality,

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 08/10/2011

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Technically, for a marriage to..... work... you simply have to be pretty happy with your standing, how it is going and it be functioning. These mean SO many things to different people! Some marry for money. Some date for sex. Some end up marrying people just like their parents! It's really endless. People are all soooooo very different too. I've known people who do not love. Ever. They are sort of born without the ability. Some people are just highly logical over emotional. Therefore the best thing I can say is... if it's functioning in ways that are fine by you and him, and there's not a lot of love, per say, it's still working. It doesn't mean it's a bad relationship, nor loveless even. As some people are just not lovey dovey. Is it more important for them to find love, then? Can they find love? Would it really work for them? I know quite a few women who are this way. Even our upbringings can make us turn off our hearts to the world. So I think it depends on the people and what their exact situation is like.



I knew a woman who it was more important to her to have social status in her community, be involved in church, a big family and have a lot of friends versus care about if her husband is cheating on her. It's a small town, and that meant way more to her than his actions. When she really thought about it, she was okay with it. That meant more. So her marriage worked for her and she would never leave.



People have different priorities, emotions, way of expressing emotions......



I do agree that everyone should fall madly in love once. Love is amazing, and if someone has never truly been in love...... how do they know they aren't missing out on something?



But mushy Disney endings aren't for everyone..

Some of us like a bit of irony ;)

Brie - posted on 08/10/2011

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i think it would be unfair because both parties would be miising out on things! but maybe it would be fair if both parties agreed... i know its not for me though!

Lissa - posted on 08/10/2011

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Would it seem fair if both felt the same way and had discussed it? Or do you feel like you would both be missing out on something therefore it would be unfair to both of you anyway?

Brie - posted on 08/10/2011

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i don't think i could stay in a marriage if i wasn't in love with the person.. to me it doesn't seem fair...

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