Katherine - posted on 05/01/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )
1. Everyone thinks I'm such a great mom for teaching my daughter how to read already. It wasn't me. It was the LeapFrog pen. I had no idea she could read.
2. When I get grouchy, I send myself to my room. Kids bang on the door and I tell them I can't come out and they can't come in until the timer goes off because I'm in time-out. For extra punishment, I make myself eat candy.
3. One of my favorite moments of the day is taking off my bra when I get home.
4. I cheat at board games to make them end faster.
5. DH wouldn't climb up in the attic to get my Halloween decorations down, so I did it. After I got them down, I carefully laid myself out on the floor and screamed in pain. Now he is doing whatever I want.
6. I hang around in sweats all day. Then 10 minutes before DH gets home from work, I put on some sexy pair of jeans and a cute top. Some might think this is laziness -- I think it's genius.
7. To my beloved arrogant teenage sons: payback comes tonight for all the gross or frustrating things you do. Your preteen sister is having 15 friends over ... and I'm not forewarning you. Love, Mommy
8. If they ever make it possible to prove whose Facebook pages you've been cruising, I'll have a lot of explaining to do.
9. I stuck a hundred-dollar bill in my neighbor's mailbox yesterday because she just lost her job and I know she was already broke. DH would kill me if he found out -- we can't really afford it.
10. I have been forced to conclude that the reason kids have so much energy is because they siphon it out of their parents like midget gasoline thieves.
11. We had a new mattress and boxspring delivered, and when the delivery guys picked up the existing mattress to remove it, my "Blue Thunder" vibrator was under the mattress.
12. When I send thank-you notes to people I don't like, I dump an ass-load of glitter or confetti in the envelope just to passive-aggressively piss them off.
13. My DH just tweeted how awesome it's going to be to come home to a home-cooked meal today. I wonder where he's going, and if he'll bring me back a plate ...
14. My number one reason for not wanting to have a third baby is that I pee my pants pretty much every day since my second was born two years ago. At this rate, my kids will soon be more potty-trained than I am.
15. Had to go on a special diet for gestational diabetes. Husband decided to do it with me, which was nice. In three weeks, I've gained 4 pounds and he's lost 15. This is why we hate men.
16. I am drafting a document so pointless and boring (that I know no one is ever going to read) that I am tempted to insert dirty words at random just to see if anyone notices. Too bad that would get me fired. Penis.
17. I do the income taxes every year, and I lie to my husband about how much we get back. I keep over half for myself (sometimes more).
18. I'm sick and tired of sanctimonious cloth diaper-users. You're really going to think you're better than me because of where your kid happens to shit? Shit's shit, honey, no matter where it lands.
19. I pretend I'm Julia Child when I cook and vocalize everything I'm doing in a silly accent. Shut up, it's fun.
20. Sometimes if I find myself alone with one person in an elevator, I like to smile at them very happily until they notice and then say, "I've got new socks."
21. I have a designated plucker. If I'm ever in a coma, my plucker promises to pluck my chin, eyebrow, and mustache hair when she visits me in the hospital. I will for her if she is in a coma. Important stuff!
22. I misdialed a 800# at work and accidentally called a sex hotline. On speakerphone. In a conference room full of people. Awesome.
23. Sometimes I can't be bothered to speak to people, so I pretend to have not seen them.
24. I dyed my hair its original color. I then ran around town telling people I was happy that the carpet matched the drapes. I thought the carpet meant eyebrows.
25. DS flushed his fishy down the potty today. He cried and asked to call heaven so he knows fishy made it. Called my dad and he acted like God. Made DS feel sooo much better.
Ahem. Done the tax one before.