Debates For Bitchin Ladies Anyone?

Katrina - posted on 08/19/2011

Wow a lot of good questions. 
He got the tumor the first time and apparently they missed a little bit of it so they had to go back in a second time and remove the rest of it. The tumor was around his heart. And yes he has other ailments like his back and always seems to have something wrong. We both know his health isn’t what it should be because he’s only 27 years old. He shouldn’t be having all of these problems but I’d say (and the doctor says) it’s because he doesn’t take care of himself. He’s always eating fast food and always sleeping. I cook but I’m an Army girl so I don’t eat a lot of sugar or salt on my food so I don’t put a lot in my food because I feel like I can taste it. I mean I season it but I don’t overdo it. And I don’t buy a lot of junk food. I buy stuff I can cook a meal with. He can’t cook and he tried to learn to cook one time and never did it again even though I told him I would be more than willing help. I know what’s wrong with him and I’ve told him I know he’s depressed and he needed to get some counseling to see why so we could work on it. I even researched a list of doctors he could go to plus I made sure his insurance covers it. I have problems too and I know that but I get counseling through the VA. I can’t push him to do better for himself which would ultimately be better for us.
We’ve been separated for a year but it was not by choice. I was the most stressed out, angry person you could imagine. Anything and everything would set me off. It was because I was doing everything for the house, for my son, and I didn’t get free time and I had to pick up his slack. I am calmer. I do a little more for myself not a whole lot because I don’t need a whole lot for me. I’m a simple person. I don’t need anything but a semi clean house (lol until the weekend when I can hopefully get something done), a good job, healthy child, food on the table, bills paid, just the basics. We see each other every week unless he is gone on a business trip. Sometimes we do stuff together like we went on a vacation together, go out to eat, or go to the movies. He wants to come back home and feels like he messed up.
I want him to come back but it’s like he might take half a step forward and two steps back. Example, he said that I needed to clean out the garage, which I knew already but it’s hard to do that with a one year old running underfoot 24/7. I said in a nice calm voice (not accusing or condescending),” I know but I have to get someone to watch Octavian (our son).” His reply was,” Have your sister do it she aint doing nothing.” I was speechless at how inconsiderate he was being. First of all he’s my husband he’s supposed to come to my aide when I need it just like I’ve done for him. Second of all my sister has a full time job just like me and him with the exception that she works retail which means she could be opening one day and closing another. It’s not like she’s sitting at the house everyday with nothing to do plus she has a son of her own. I get more help from her then I do him anyway.
I feel like he wants to come home but he’s not willing to do the work it takes to maintain a home. I need more than words I need constant action and I’m not getting it. Instead of trying to suck up and get back in good with not only me but his son he’s still doing nothing and apologizing for it but with no results. And it’s not like I didn’t give him chances to straighten up. I asked him what would work for him, I told him he wouldn’t be doing anything alone because I have to clean too, I set a day for us both to clean. I didn’t bother him until the weekend on his 2nd off day (most of the time unless he hadn’t done it the last weekend) and I suggested we each have our own day to ourselves. I know his job can be stressful and he works at night and feels like he doesn’t get enough sleep so I was trying to be considerate and lenient.
I think I’ve done everything I know to do. I kept telling him that he was hurting me and taking advantage of me and that after a while all of the bad was going to build up to the point where love wouldn’t be able to save us but as usual that went in one ear and out the other. Now he’s sorry when I feel like it’s possibly too late to repair the damage. I love him and he loves me but at what point do I need to think about me and my son. I do not want my son to grow up being lazy and thinking that when he gets in a relationship that the woman is his maid. I try to include him in cleanup projects, have him sit in the kitchen (if possible) when I cook, and so on. I believe my husband is genuinely apologetic but I don’t get why he doesn’t see something should be done on a deeper level to fix his problems.
What I think I want to know is should I try again although I really think he should seek professional help since he is sorry and acknowledging that he was wrong?

Shannintipton - posted on 08/18/2011

Wow didnt even know this existed. Carry on people. Yeah.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 08/18/2011

Just curious. If he had a tumor removed, is it possible he's still sick from that? What did he have? If he's sleeping a lot, it seems to me that he's either sick or depressed.



I'm not sure what kind of advice you're asking for either because you say.. when is enough, enough? You've been seperated for a year. How do you feel? Do you two see eachother? Spend any quality time together? Or are you two living seperate lives within that year? What does he want? How does he feel?



Funny, you left a lot out even though it's long. I understand you are hurt, but what do you want? Do you want him back? Does he want you? How do you feel? How does he feel?

Katrina - posted on 08/17/2011

Wow I didnt realize how long that post would be. :) And I wasnt even finished.

Katrina - posted on 08/17/2011

Hi I just joined. I think I have a good topic. And I'm pretty sure its a very common problem.
When is enough enough? My husband and I got married two years ago. We have been together for three years and we have been friends for 6 or 7 years. We've stayed close through the two times that I went overseas on deployments to the two times that he had to have surgery to remove a tumor. I love him and he loves me but the past year and a half have been fight after fight. I've finally just got to the point where I told him I resent you for not helping like you should have when the baby was born and even before when he was supposed to be helping me around the house even after we sat down and discussed what each person would do (i.e. I cook since he couldnt and he would wash the dishes). Of course he only did it for like a week maybe. He was only working 5 hours at night and talking about he was tired and always sleeping. I had a day job working 8 hrs a day and still managed to get what I needed to done. Anyway, I have my son and we are in the process of getting a house and he was supposed to help with the baby since he was taking a week of maternity leave. I didnt get any help that whole week. I think he slept for most of it. I was staying with my sister and he was staying with his dad because we were waiting on our house to close. Side note: Its my house because I paid for everything like the appraisal, inspection, filled out all the paperwork, and its in my name. I've also bought 99% of the household items in it. We had agreed that he would pay his half when he got a full time position that pays more. Well he got the full time position and things just got worse. I thought he was doing nothing before well he did double of nothing if that is possible. And it seemed like he wanted to be praised when he did one little thing that he was supposed to do two weeks ago. I was and still am doing everything. I do not get a break from my son unless I ask my sister or she offers every now and then. We also had an agreement about having our own day to just do what we wanted to do. That didnt work out because he was getting his day but I wasnt and then he was starting to owe me for screwing up my free day. His family just keeps telling me that I knew he was like that before we got married, but my thing is we discussed roles and he agreed to it. How am I at fault? And am I wrong for telling him to go stay with his dad? We've been separated since last year. I could not take it anymore, I was angry all the time and for good reason. I come home and all the cabinet doors are open and the microwave door is wide open. So when I ask him why he couldnt close them he says because he didnt feel like it. I saw red literally. Its not just the fact that he is lazy its his attitude and disregard for others that just put me over the edge. I dont care if something is physically not bothering someone you could at least be considerate about it. I just think he is being selfish and I told him if you dont want to be married then I understand but dont keep dragging me down. If I can do all the stuff you were supposed to be doing what is the point in you being around?

Shannintipton - posted on 07/20/2011

Any other debate topics for bitchin ladies. i would start some but i don't have the hang of it. and i dont normally participate just lurk. lol

Johnny - posted on 07/19/2011

I don't think anyone has the "right to cheat" ever. That being said, if both parties have discussed it and one or both parties wish to have relations outside the relationship and that works for both involved, I see no problem with that. If an agreement between spouses has been reached then it's not cheating. If lying, sneaking around, and such is involved, then no, there is never any good excuse IMO.

Brie - posted on 07/19/2011

maybe in an instance like shannins where the parties are ok with it but i don't know.. i don't quite understand the situation but if it works then it works i guess!

Shannintipton - posted on 07/19/2011

I don't like debates but this one is close to my heart.

I do think it is okay for MY relationship. I don't want to bore people with my details. But under the right circumstance (if that is possible) it would be something I would consider. I would get things in writting so that if it did happen to turn into something other then physcial needs. Me and my kids would be protected financially. I cant blame him for looking else where if I can not provide a service that he apparently still needs. I know that sounds horrible but we have been down this rode before. Twice now as of recently. Nothing has happened as of yet. But it could happen at anytime. Talk about always being on your toes. I think the part that bothers me more than him wanting sex from someone else is that fact that does not TALK with me. Now that is something I can do and do often. We joke and kid a lot and are a lot like good friends or buds. We go out and do things together (which i hate doing but do it anyway) like i have said in the past i have issue. major issues. No relationship is perfect but for the most part ours works for us. It probably would not work for ANYONE else. ha ha

Brie - posted on 07/19/2011

no katherine i don't think so.. i think that you need to make your relationship work or get out of it.. cheating is never ok..

Katherine - posted on 07/19/2011

Do you think you have the "right" to cheat if your partner isn't attending to you?