Love the in laws, not so much loving the smoking

Michelle - posted on 12/20/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am luckier then many in having a good relationship with my in laws. But there is one thing killing me about them being here this week (it is otherwise an above average completely wonderful visit). It's my father in laws smoking. My husband used to smoke and quit when we got pregnant with my oldest. He comes from a long line of smokers. I am an asthmatic and come from a long line of asthmatics. I really don't want my kids to be around it and I really can't be around it. This has always been a problem. I have flat out explained this several times. I am thankful that my father in law will not smoke in the house or in the car, but that's all kind of wasted when he takes my youngest outside with him when he smokes or leaves the door open while he's outside smoking. The guest bed now smells like an ash tray (my husband was the first to notice when he went in there to get something) and the car's starting to smell too. I just can't seem to get my point across. The worst part is that since my husband was raised in that environment he doesn't see my problem with this. I've spent the past couple of days wheezing and glued to my inhaler (including being up half the night coughing). I am so glad that they came to see us and thrilled about how well it's going with the kids. But I don't know how much longer my lungs can take this.

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Michelle - posted on 12/22/2011

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The in laws are leaving tomorrow. There was a pretty good snow last night so no one dared let any child go out with FIL and I'm pretty sure my husband figured out he was walking on thin ice after his stupid comment yesterday. Even though we haven't had time to come back to the discussion he didn't dare undermine anything I said in regards to the smoking today. Of course we'll have the issue again if/ when his sister comes but I have a little time to figure that out. I didn't think it would be such a pain in the ass to be the non smoker in a smoking family. I am so glad my husband quit though and he told me he was too earlier today.

Tara - posted on 12/22/2011

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Seriously? Not really bad for your son? You might want to have him look at this info: http://www.epa.gov/smokefree/healtheffec...
http://www.lung.ca/protect-protegez/toba...

Second-hand smoke is REALLY bad for kids. The only reason I have asthma is because my parents smoked when I was a kid.

Honestly, if it were me I would put the smackdown on the husband, SIL and FIL and let the sh*t hit the fan. I would point out that what they are doing is, in effect, causing permanent damage to my child and they need to start acting like adults instead of spoiled children who aren't getting what they want (re: smoking).

Shannintipton - posted on 12/21/2011

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Jeeze Michelle when are they leaving. Is all I have to say then. shesh. Sorry.

Michelle - posted on 12/21/2011

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Face/ palm moment : husbands profound statements for the day " it's not really bad for him (our son) to be exposed to second hand smoke". Really the man can write programs to run on his android phone but that's the most intelligent argument he has to offer. Unfortunately more SIL drama sidelined the rest of the discussion.

Michelle - posted on 12/21/2011

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It probably can't be handled peacefully. Normally I would just lay it down and let the shit fall where it may. But things are going so well for the kids other then the second hand smoke that I actually feel very bad that I might ruin that for them. The truth is my husband is just going to keep letting things go as is and over ride me. I finally got my FIL to close the stupid door when he goes outside, but he still insists on taking kids with him. I'm hoping the snow comes tonight as predicted and that I can at least say no due to weather (husband can't argue with that). I imagine the husband and I will be having this argument anyway because he told his sister that her and her daughter could stay with us for a couple of months and she's a smoker too. Still hoping for an easier solution though. I hate ruining those relationships for my kids.

Shannintipton - posted on 12/21/2011

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I dont think it can be handled in a peaceful way. Sorry. You will either be glued to your inhaler or he is going to get pissed. Which is more life threatening. Kick him to the curb.

Carolee - posted on 12/21/2011

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When you visit them, get a hotel room. When they visit you, have them get a hotel room.

Michelle - posted on 12/21/2011

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He does not smoke inside, but he smokes in front of the door he leaves open. My husband either doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand the problem. He didn't always have the greatest relationship with his parents and wants so badly for our kids to have a great relationship that he is really not listening to me right now. I tried to talk to him about it and he accused me of being dramatic and told me I was wrong. It isn't going to work without him backing me up. I'm risking ruining the visit for everyone by saying anything. You are both right that it needs to be done. Just have to figure out how to do it without causing problems or too many at the very least. Last night he lit up while we were waiting for my husband to pull the car around and while my son was holding his hand, my daughter and I were standing on either side of him and my husband still tried to tell me that since it was outside none of us were exposed to it (he should have told my lungs I don't think they agreed with his assessment of the situation). There's got to be a way to get the point across peacefully. Just don't know what that is right now.

Denikka - posted on 12/21/2011

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I agree with Katherine. You really need to put your foot down here. Especially if it's in YOUR house.
My grandfather is a smoker. It is not allowed in my house. Period. If he wants to smoke, he hauls his butt out to the curb. And there is NO way that I would allow him to be taking my child out while he smokes.
If it's affecting you, especially so obviously and severely, you need to stand up. He needs to respect your house. No questions asked.

Katherine - posted on 12/21/2011

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So he IS smoking in the house? I would say, "Look, I'm asthmatic, if you haven't noticed I've been glued to my inhaler and you CAN NOT smoke in the house!" Period.

How can your husband not see a big deal with this? Even 3rd hand smoke is awful. And this coming from a smoker. I never smoke anywhere NEAR my kids, wash my hands, change my clothes. I don't smoke in the car or in the house. If I'm outside smoking they are NOT allowed. I'm sorry but I'd be rather pissed off.

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