Mom's who have to ask about abuse...

Savvy Mama - posted on 11/01/2011 ( 24 moms have responded )

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This is one of those subjects that I don't understand. In another community, a mom posted her concerns. Yes, I responded and told her that if she doesn't report what she believes to be abuse - it is a federal crime.
Why do these women have to ASK what they should do? Are they themselves being abused by the accused as well as the child? Do they fear for what will come if they report their SO?
As a female who has been in an abusive relationship, years ago, I understand that you may not even realize that you are a victim of domestic violence until down the road. And by that point, there is no proof that you can use against the ex...
Sure, I should have reported it.
The second relationship where there was abuse, I left with the kids (none with this ass...) and didn't turn back. When I did come for my things, he stole my cell phone and took my keys. I went to the neighbor's and we called the police. I got my phone back and keys and my stuff. The officer stayed until my things were in my vehicle... He knew the signs and automatically stayed until I was done. There was no report made because I was not harmed at that point in time.
So, why do they have to ask about what to do with their children?

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Denikka - posted on 11/01/2011

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Some people need reassurance that they're doing the right thing.
Maybe they're afraid to leave the abuser, for whatever reason. Sometimes they are afraid of being alone, or maybe they don't think they could support themselves. Maybe the thought of ending up in a women's shelter is scarier than staying with someone who is abusive.
Maybe the person is so full of self doubt, or they feel they deserve that treatment so much that they honestly don't know if what they're going through is *normal* or acceptable.
Maybe they just need some confirmation. Someone to tell that they are right, that they are justified.

I don't understand it any more than you. You protect your kids. If you have ANY doubts, you do what you have to do to protect your kids and drop the guy, no matter who he is.

Kyleigh - posted on 11/01/2011

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Alot of ppl don't report their spouses abuse among innocent children in the house BC they have low self esteem about themselves and just don't want to do any better with their choice in men!

If a spouse chooses to stay with an abuser that spouse is just as guilty! Deserves to be prosecuted as well!

Christina - posted on 11/02/2011

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I think some women just don't think they can survive without a "man". In some cases, they may be actually too scared to leave. (You do hear stories all the time about women escaping abusive situations only to have the ex find them and kill either them, their kids, or both.)
HOWEVER, I get really annoyed when I hear that a woman can't leave because of money. I had no money. None. Barely a dime. And I packed up my four kids and left immediately. Then I moved 1400 miles away with no job, nowhere to live, and no money just to ensure my kids were safe! Starting over is hard, but not impossible.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/01/2011

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Aubree, my dad's parents were also loving Christians who believed spare the rod and spoil the child. It was okay to do back in the 50's and 60's, but my dad and his brother and sisters were all beat with a belt or a paddle. That's considered child abuse now.

My older daughter's father whether he knows it or not is being mentally abusive towards our daughter by calling her sporadically and sending gifts on her birthday and Christmas. He never asks what she wants or speaks with her for more than a few minutes. He calls so infrequently it isn't funny. And he started it when I still lived in New York in the same timezone as he is in Georgia. I live in British Columbia now, but that is really not an excuse. He also loves to claim how he and his new wife are Christian. Yikes!

I feel it's more personality than religion.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/01/2011

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It depends on what type of abuse though. My first husband was emotionally and mentally abusive , but there are no physical signs of that type of abuse so it's not considered as bad even though it is. It's not even as obvious as physical abuse in the beginning because you don't get the same information about it.

I agree with the other posters that these women are probably seeking reassurance that what they want to do is the right thing. Honestly I'm glad my ex decided to cheat on me and leave me because now I'm with a wonderful man, I don't know if I would've had the nerve to leave on my own because I didn't feel I could make it on my own with my daughter.

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Jennifer - posted on 10/02/2013

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My ex is one of the 90%. For now. There's one agency in Maine. If they don't think there's abuse based on a half hour interview, you are falsely alleging the case. I was not helped by my sons pediatrician who he disclosed to,after the last visit I had to take him to Maine Medical Centerwhere he was forced to do another disclosure then they referred us to the doctor at spur wink and he had to get a physical exam after 3 weeks these are the people that are perpetuating the abuse who will sit there and ask a child for details and then say I am making it up I am coaching him I wouldn't allow visit anymore and when we went to our interim hearing a cop and the gaël took him out of school and gave him to his abuser his dad I can't believe main and all of these adults will not listen to a very clear articulate frightened injured abused 6 year old little boyI

Kristi - posted on 05/16/2013

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I realize this is an old thread, but I just joined this community. Actually, most of the comments on this thread are prime examples of why many women can NOT leave abusive relationships. Most people believe that mothers are heavily favored in family courts....this is not true. A study from the American Judge's Association about 10 years ago stated that about 70% of abusive men who ask for custody of their children WILL GET IT! Abusive men are twice as likely as non abusive men to seek custody of their children.....it is a way for the abuser to punish his victim and maintain control. Family courts in the US mostly operate on the false assumption that MOST claims of abuse (when women are the accusers) are false. Statistics show that in reality, women only make intentionally false abuse accusations in about 2% of cases. New statistics that are emerging are now showing that about 90% of abusive men who sue for custody will get it. Most abusers maintain control of the family finances. Victims who leave are often at a major financial disadvantage, and a superb lawyer, knowledgeable about the dynamics of domestic violence are a necessity....and they are exceedingly rare.....if you can find one, they are expensive. Many women will return to their abusers when the abuser files for custody of the children and the woman begins to realize that she cannot fight him. At least if the woman is in the house with the kids, she can still provide protection. If the abuser is successful in getting custody, the protective mother is often shut out of the children's lives.....then they can give no protection. Ladies, please educate yourself on these topics before spreading the myths that help to perpetuate the crisis in family courts. Here's a great article that is just the tip of the iceberg:
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/...

Deborah - posted on 02/10/2012

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Because we're all taught to 'mind our own business' when it comes to stuff.



It could also potentially be a case of misunderstanding. I read a post (not on here) about a mom venting about her kids' school. Her son had been misbehaving before school, so she gave him a swat. He went to school very hurt *emotionally* because of it because it was the first time she had ever done something like that.



His teacher called social services on her. That, I believe, is wrong. If the kid showed no other signs of abuse, only a 'shocked/hurt' expression when he came to school, it's not the teacher's business. If she were concerned, she should have called the mother rather than social services.



So I really think it depends on the circumstance. If this person felt like she couldn't tell for SURE, then she was right to ask. Parents handle children differently, and for different reasons. Calling because you suspect abuse is a good idea, the people you talk to can lead you in a better direction than giving other people incomplete information...



It's sad that everyone 'minds their own business' so much... In Rape courses, women are taught to yell "FIRE!" rather than "Rape!" because people will actually respond to a claim of Fire....

Ardell R. - posted on 02/10/2012

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My husband went so far as to give the 5 children ages 7 - 16 locking door knobs with keys that only they and he would have access to their bedrooms. It all started because I had asked my second to the youngest to clean her room, and she whined to him that I was in her room and it was her room.She was 9 years old. I am still locked out! If the husband don't respect his wife and treat her right, it rolls down hill. Three of the five and I interact finally; one blames me for her dad's death the 9 yearold whiner, and the oldest stole my identity and bought a vehicle in my name and didn't make payments; so I took it away from her and so don't communicate. Her dad bought a truck ini our son's name, without our son or I knowing about it and did not make payments either, that is how we found out what he had done. Looks like the nut don't fall far from the tree in this case.

Erica - posted on 11/02/2011

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I think some people stick up for their own dh's too much and need to SPEAK OUT! Vice versa for women too, i surely hope a dad wouldnt want to hurt or strike a child in anyway. I saw a little boy came to school with a black eye, you can just tell something was up, im glad the teacher and school stuck up for this little guy! Glad to see something is going to be done about it here.

Katherine - posted on 11/02/2011

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Maybe they're scared to call CPS. But I wholeheartedly agree with you about these posts.
I have actually reported abuse on CoM. CPS came to her house. I don't mess around with that stuff. It's very serious.
The people who say "beat there ass" when a child is being bad, I want to choke them.
Those are the kinds of people you need to get CPS involved with. End of story.

Savvy Mama - posted on 11/02/2011

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That is so true about the preaching and not doing! That is exactly what I mean!!!

You have to act on it... HAVE TO

Kyleigh - posted on 11/02/2011

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Baylynn very happy news about your Stepfather being there and your mother! A person that knows this goes on needs to have child abuse charges filed Immediately! Kids ARE FIRST!

Kyleigh - posted on 11/02/2011

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Alot of ppl preach about it but don't do it though. Sad, just so sad!

Savvy Mama - posted on 11/02/2011

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Baylynn, so sorry to hear about your childhood and glad to hear your stepdad was/is a good man!
Kyleigh - that is what I told the mom who posted her question! If you don't report it and leave, you are just as guilty of the abuse for not saying anything. I hope that she takes advice given by others and does the right thing for her child and self!
I was frustrated by the question because I've been in the domestic violence scene. I left when he started being verbally and emotionally abusive to my son! It isn't something to think about at all. It is an action that must happen to protect your children and yourself.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/02/2011

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My older daughter is my mini me. If you had a picture of her next to a picture of me at the same age, (except for my 1st grade photo with the 80's hair) you can't tell who is who. My baby girl looks like a combo of myself and my DH. Both girls have my dimpled chin

Erica - posted on 11/01/2011

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Would love Steppin' Toe to toe wit this Crazy "GF!"

But I'm nooo criminal! My family is 1st and beating her A** is Immature ...wouldn't solve a thing! Lol : )

Erica - posted on 11/01/2011

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Sorry to hear :(

My DD is and DS are told all the time they look like me! Their fathers gf laughs at them when they're dad calls them my look a like :(

Erica - posted on 11/01/2011

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@baylynn my heart goes out to you! I'm happy you have a dad like figure who Stepped up and rescued you from that environment!

Erica - posted on 11/01/2011

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Im very sorry to read Baylynn! I agree the other parent who see s this crap go on belongs doing prison time just as well as the abuser to kids! We re a loving Christian family, we are involved with good friends and loving family, and church! I'm setting the example for my kids so they have the best childhood like I did! =]

Bri - posted on 11/01/2011

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I agree Denikka and Kyleigh .

You bet your a** if my dh was ABUSIVE towards the kids I'm gone. Kids rather be from a broken home than LIVE IN A BROKEN HOME!

I m so into topics like this becuz I grew up with an abusive dad and his wife did NOTHING in fact allowed him to do this to me and my brother. Luckily I'm close to my mom and have been since me and my brother got out of that situation! My Stepdad is the best whom I call Dad. He accepted me no questions asked took us Fun places as well. That's my daddy!

Both sets if parents should be accused of child abuse charges if the other non violent parent or SP doesnt speak up

Jurnee - posted on 11/01/2011

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I agree with Denikka, they are probably scared and looking for reassurance. Most abusers try to keep their victims from having close relationships with others. They probably know the answer, but are looking for reassurance. I know my moms dad was an alcoholic and verbally and physically abusive. I asked her once mhy her mom didnt stop him and she said her mother learned through the years that is was worse for everyone if she intervened. Of course this was in the 40's when the definition of abuse was different and there werent resources for abuse victiims like today. But I would suspect the mentality of the victims is the same, abusers make you think you are dependant on them. Dont really know that there is a simple answer to your question, hope this helped.

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