Oh my..

September - posted on 12/14/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )

My sister sent me this email this morning. Pretty funny!

As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now
and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a
bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the
car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for
life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a 25 cent coin
dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex
molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex
mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails
with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was
told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY… ;-)