posting for support,

Jessica - posted on 09/10/2011 ( 123 moms have responded )

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If you have nothing NICE to say please do not post.



I called the cops for what SHOULD have been a routine vandal/theft report.



Turned out my roommate did it while we were at the store.



ANY way... the officer refused to make the report once he heard I had PTSD and mild-moderate agoraphobia, which I had to tell him because I was jumpy and wringing my hands, because we were OUTSIDE without my coping things...dog and/or my knives.



They call CPS.



CPS comes, doesn't check on my "treatment"... but takes my kids because I am disabled.



From what I hear, after everything is said and done, my kids will be back home and I will have these ladies jobs. The scary part is not only has my research wielded this is relatively common is arizona, but that the only reason they are conceding is that I have a friend who works as a corrections officer.



Anyone who has had this happen please let me know. I am calling someone to investigate this.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jenni - posted on 09/24/2011

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And this is the same advice I give my brother. Whom I love very much. So my intentions are not to insult, they are to help.



If you do not take your medication and enlist the help of doctors and therapists... I fear that having your children returned to you will be an elusive dream. I will not sugarcoat it for you... you need to hear the truth in this matter; accept it and seek the help you need if you want the chance to have your children back home with you.

Angela - posted on 09/25/2011

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Good luck Stephanie and I hope you get well. I can't say anything to what you write that will help you or others so I see no point in this.

Jenni - posted on 09/24/2011

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Stephanie, I too have my share of demons... but it hasn't affected me as it has you. I do have slight avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety and PTSD but not to the degree where I require medication and I am quite functional. But *if* I did, if it affected me in such a way where I couldn't work, be around friends, suffered delusions, psychosis and was unfit to care for my children when not on medication... you better believe I would take it.



I have *some* personal experience with mental illness. My brother suffers from paranoid skitzophrenia and narcissitic personality disorder. My mother suffers from PTSD so severe she require shock therapy. All from *our* families demons.



So as I said, I do have some experience with mental illness and I know my brother cannot function properly when not on his medication. He rambles and rants and makes little to no sense. He has delusions about conspiracy theories and that the government and other random people are out to get him. No one can understand him. He can't even take care of his basic needs and winds up homeless when not on his medication.



So yes, sometimes medication is required and sometimes you are better for it. It would mean you have a chance of being functional enough to get your children back.



If you can prove to CPS that you are exhausting all avenues to get your children back, ie: taking your medication and receiving therapy. You might stand a chance of having them returned to you.



You can take my advice or leave it. But it would really be in your best interest if you want your children back.



I hate to see children taken from their mothers and would love to see you get the help you need so you can one day have them returned to you and back home.

Jenni - posted on 09/24/2011

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Stephanie, I know you are going through an incredibly tough time right now... I can't imagine what this must be like for you... how horribly painful it is.



And I do not wish to offend at all... so I hope you don't take this wrong way... I'm only trying to help but...

have you been taking your medication regularly? Receiving therapy for this obviously tramatic experience?

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/11/2011

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Damn straight get a lawyer! Get the cop's badge number and have his ass fired for being unprofessional. Because my ex MIL is certifiably crazy and never had her kids taken from her. Hell I'm technically disabled because I have ADD and bi polar and aside from my ex no one's suggested taking my kids from me. There are people in wheelchairs who keep their kids and people on crack who get to keep their kids. Hell a friend of mine lives in Chandler and has the same disabilities that I do and she still has her kid!

Make sure you get a lawyer who specializes in these types of cases and document everything. That really fuckin' sucks. And that should also be reported that they're only conceding because of your friend That is bull shit!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

123 Comments

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Krista - posted on 09/25/2011

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Shannin, I think it's time to lock this thread. This conversation is going nowhere.

Stephanie, I wish you well and wish you luck, and hope that you will have enough of a moment of clarity to realize that the only voices that should be silenced are the ones that are making you afraid. You obviously love your children very much, and I hope that you are someday well enough to have them back in your life. The first step is to go talk to a therapist, who can help you sort out all of the emotions you're feeling. Please reach out for help.

Jessica - posted on 09/25/2011

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For those of you who don't know, I consult with others before I post such things, and I go through a careful process to prove it to me and to these others(who I am not stupid enough to name so please don't ask)... so... I can honestly tell you that drawing attention to it in such a way was the worst thing she could have done.

if the only excuse to me you have is that I have "mental issues" the bugger off. that excuse is weak at best and only bellies your intent to continue doing it to others.

If it was merely "mental issues" and needing help... it would not be ME offering to copy.paste our entire correspondence.... after cunsulting with others.

my rule is to at the very least correspond with 2 others, sometimes I manage more but that is my minimum so... go ahead but more than one of us is quite sure.

For something so serious we even studied past posts and corresponded to post subtle things that while not posted anywhere else would stick out to a worker but be "used" or twisted.

This was done carefully and very meticulously.

Their was never nay question of your status with cps once we were done, but the other thing is my question.

are you the worker that helps them, or are you the killer themselves?

it isn't something that I question but since both home who have abused my children are in fact "good Christian homes" like the one I was left in... so whoever is involved is obviously going to find offense. However because of this we did a more thorough check of many things and already know exactly WHY the worker showed up and why the officer, who by the way is known to be involved in such things.... oh... tut tut... I have been busy with others, and we all know who you are down to the psychoanalysis of why you do what you do.

the only question I ask is the one we have not done research on and since I am leaving this account I aks without fear.

which one do you do dearest? do you kill the fox or lead the hunter to her den?

it is an analogy, if I must explain... do you kill the pagan or point them to those who do?

Jessica - posted on 09/25/2011

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*snorts* you don't want that copy pasted then... and it has been longer than that, however I can add that as an inconsistency if you like.



And I also said if... I am well aware that this world seldom is what it seems so I left room for you to say otherwise.



all I see is the behavior of someone who psychologically, is guilty and avoiding what I said, I never said it was for cps... in fact I specified quite clearly... I have seen pagans killed by Christians, because they were pagan.



The quote can be explained other ways but... someone I know recognized your pic too...so... chances are slim on that.



I don't play with accusations I either make them or I don't... but I always leave room for them to deny it in a manner that can prove innocence.



No, never a spy, a worker maybe but not a spy. Spies are good at what they do.

Angela - posted on 09/25/2011

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I was busy with a neighborhood bake sale for a couple of days and did not see this post from you Stephanie and know I responded as soon as I saw it.

You know I would be offended if it were not obvious you have some big issues and problems to deal with. To be quite honest I was only trying to help and reach out to what I find a very sad situation for you and your children.

I never judged you, just listen even when I did not understand all of what you were trying to convey. I have no idea what you are talking about and I refuse to defend myself over this situation because to do so would be fruitless for your needs and feel most people feel as Jenni, that I am just a Mom.

I want to clarify I had no idea your son would show up on my site or why.

I have no idea what quote you are taking about for CPS!

I never stated I have Autism but that my husband does and many on this site know this.

I told you that I went to an intake and they felt I showed symptoms of PTSD. However I have not had any treatment and I am on a waiting list to get treatment. I told you this with the message that I may or may not know what it is to be autistic but hat I knew what it was like to have a broken heart, and I felt from your words you were broken hearted with out your children. Again I only stated I knew what it was like to have a broken heart.

When I talk about my children with what I feel is private details they may not want me sharing because they are adults (except Claire) I usually do so in a PM so as to respect their privacy because I am so open. I sign in with my FB and I use my full name. I have nothing to hide.

Also to answer your question I am a SAHM that is what I do. I live in The Netherlands, married with 4 kids and 2 cats and I have never worked or spied for any body like CPS or anyone for that matter! All this you could have read on my profile btw.

I did not write back much after that because I was busy with my family and hope you can see from this that you may be not seeing things in the proper light.

I wish for you just as much as I did before that you and and your children will be together and for you to heal and be well. However I am not going to be a part of your problem so I will delete you from my circle. I am not saying I will not talk to you but only in a public format. This way all is open and transparent. I am dong this after you accused me of being some sort of spy and having blood on my hands which to be honest freaks me out a little.

Take care Stephanie.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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My father was a man who wanted to help, to the point he shot them to cause injury and I am proud of having a father who, when he knew no other way to help, went to war to save those his comrades would have killed.

He used to say... he did it because he knew they had families at home too. He wanted to help by letting less hurt fall on them.

I admire that about him. He found his way despite his troubles and... I will find mine too. I have found mine, but over time things change, and I know so with time, will I change.

I will not become what I fear because as long as I fear it, I know , by knowing myself, that I will stay away from what will make me thus... however this may not be the same way for someone else. just as I would never join the armed forces as my father did... I will choose my own way but my way will be to protect what is pure, what is truly innocent, just as he told me so many years ago.

I will protect my children, even if one day, it means using these two hands... because I also know I will never, even with cell memory, steal a life as long as I know the pain of having to watch it, as long as I treasure my children, and as long as I know, as long as I wish to protect them form the things I have seen with my own eyes.

that is why... I detest the obliteration of memories and the silence even more... because if you don't remember then you repeat it... and that is exactly what I wish, with all I am, with all my heart, with all my souls, with every piece of myself, to protect those eyes as long as I possibly can without hurting them... because I have also seen protection be a hurt. when they are much, much older I will tell them my tale so they do not repeat it.

the youngest I will relay the least of it is 12, the rest, the more... well... the more horrible things, will be told near adulthood, probably a little more at 17... and the rest once they reach an age they can handle it better.... but no sooner, and even then, all said before will be just enough so that they do not fall blindly into such things.

I will not be the cause of their suffering as long as I can protect them with my own two hands.

I cannot speak for what might happen, for tings that will go beyond my control but... it is my job as a mother to get them through it. My little ones eyes... may they never hold the shadows that lay within my own.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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no problem. Nobody ever asks, they usually think it is because I am afraid OF being attacked when I know the possibility and it doesn't really scare me... I am just afraid of what I can do to them, with the things taught to me. I know enough to know how to not kill them and take defensive stances, and the knives many times, keep people who would attack you otherwise, away so they do prevent some things just by hanging in the open but... I am not afraid of being attacked or raped. It has happened so much, you could say it lost it's effect to make me fear it.



I fear the effect such things will have on my children certainly, however, I carry knives because I may not fear what they can do to me, but I fear what I can do to them.



It may seem odd.... but I never, in all my life, wanted to do anything but help, and knowing what my hands can do makes me... not wish to hurt even more.



I want to protect but I never want to be the cause of such loss of life... I never want to be the thief of the light of life... a murderer. That is why I carry knives.



sorry... it is something I feel strongly for. I know I was taught many things, and how to use my hands to kill was one of them. It was my father who taught me these things(he also taught me to not kill and the value of life, and told me that killing was wrong, but I suspect being navy and a special forces was not the best thing to teach you activities to do with your child, I once heard his life was not so easy either.), but I have more control over myself with a knife and as such, I know I won't kill them.



I do not want to become what I fear most, a thief of the light in someones eyes, because when you die, your eyes lose the light and become like glass.



May my hands hold my children in life and never cause a death, may they never steal that life.



that is why I carry knives.



It is no problem to explain, just no-one really asks.



I have more problems with the way they assume than the question and answering.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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Do you mean the ons I carry? They help me feel secure that my hands will not be deadly. I was taught how to defend and I am better with my hands than with a knife, I fear causing someones light of life to go out... so I carry knives knowing as long as I have them I will be less deadly because I am not as good with them, and I remember them better.

The psychiatrist calls it "cell memory". I cannot remember what was taught exactly but when attacked I know what to do because I do it. Basically my body remembers and I fear it.

So, I carry knives knowing a knife cannot do what my hands can, because I have more control over my knife in a fight.

is that what you meant?

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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I do not suffer delusions, nor do I suffer psychosis, which is, BTW, the same thing.



Although by all rights these things should keep me from such things, I now have friends, those I hold as close as family should be.



I have been looking for work that doesn't get in the way of my physical obstacles and my only barrier with this is that they would rather build a ramp for a wheelchair than agree not to touch even my shoulder from behind and I only place that barrier so it will not impede my work.



My experiences did not give me delusions, but their have been plenty of time I wish they did.



Their have been times I have asked why I was born, why those things happened, why I was made only to suffer such things... but I stopped asking that the day my children were born.



I understood. For them to not.



My memories will never leave me, and I have accepted that, and I have also accepted that as long as the voices of those who go through such things are quieted it will never stop happening. as long as nobody learns... nothing will change.



I have learned so... hopefully the lessons will pass without the pain it takes to experience them.



Your only intention is to quiet my voice.... and threaten me subtly.



My children... the only thing I dare hold so close. You tell me to take medication to get them back, but for 4 years I have proven that I am better off of medication, your only intention is to quiet my voice if that is truly all you can say.



but you see... even that didn't quiet me completely. Even that, only dampened it and made it harder to speak.



10 years. I spent 10 years in agonizing forced silence while suffering the very things I was made to keep quiet. I was only 8 years old when they decided my voice was to be kept quiet.



I agonized under the same quiet without the things happening to me even after that. It took a long time to prove my only crime was being born into a world that made me witness and go through such things.... a long time.



I have already proven I do not have delusions, that my flashbacks are the greatest of my problems, that my memories of the things done are sometimes what haunts my very existence, but I have spent less time proving that I love my children enough to keep it from them just a little longer.



I know someday somehow, the darkness of this world will creep into those innocent eyes, it is a realization that comes from being a mother.



All I can do is love them, care for them, and hope when this world is done with, that they are still in one piece, that something still who they came into this world, so sweet, that they are still strong, still themselves, still alive.



I detest the constant pushing of medication and already spent so much time proving I didn't need it. All I need, is the peace I get from knowing they sleep safe and peaceful, that as long as I live, I can stop some things with my own two hands, that if something happens beyond my control, I can hold them and love them and let them know everything is alright, that I am here.



I did not even have that.

Jenni - posted on 09/24/2011

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Stephanie, it's quite clear you want to talk about the horrible things that have happened to you. I've seen you mention them many times in your posts. Therapy can provide you with an outlet for that.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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Like I stated. Changing my name would not be enough. I would delete my profile and create a new one... and quiet my own voice protecting them quietly away from all this.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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You are correct. That is insulting. My memories do not require medication, in fact... they tried that to shut me up as a child.

Ever been drugged up to make you forget you were being carted off to be raped? To make you forget you had watched someone dear to you die?

tell me... would you quiet my voice simply because you don't want to hear what I have to say?

would you quiet your child or grandchild's voice using such a thing as a tool?

then... when the medication is not enough to make them keep forgetting... would you kill them? because if my grandmother was alive, that is exaclty where I would be.... in fact I got to hear her commission my own death before her own came.

can YOU justify doing that to your own children or do you simply wish to shut me up.

The things I have seen... I have come to as much peace as I can with, however, my purpose in life is to keep that from the eyes of my children.

So... would you quiet my voice because you don't like what it has to say or because you are involved in such things?

would YOU condone these things and medicate them away?

what good does forgetting do if you never learn from he things done?

Jenni - posted on 09/24/2011

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I was referring to changing your real name on COM. Many women do it to remain anonymous on here (usually during custody battles and such...)

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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If I have seen so many killed over religion, then why would I be off about cps, cps is only a tool they use.

Some of those they killed were only killed because they COULD become pagans... many were children I played with who were simply burned in their own homes along with their parents.

far fetched... you want me to copy and paste them here?
I certainly have no problem with it.

WHEN I get my kids back I am starting fresh, a name change won't be enough... but I will be quiet and keep to myself.

As I said, when I became a mother I gave up my right to protect anyone but my children... even by speaking out.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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I have seen enough bloodshed to see the same people kill more than once, and kill enough to not even recognize my face... meaning they killed many and got away with it, they stayed free.

My problem is I was in the center, put their because my grandmother was one of those people, and she was at fault.

I t wasn't my dream that killed my mother, it was that my grandmother didn't want me taught it was ok to have those dreams that made HER kill my mother through someone else she paid to do it.

I am a living twin, my mother miscarried my twin but do you know what killed her? My mother was struck by a stranger my grandmother paid to kill me before birth, because my father was a pagan and my mother was as well, and we were not something she wanted born.

Jenni - posted on 09/24/2011

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Stephanie, because I have not been privy to the PM's between you two. I could not possibly know if there are inconsistencies.



But as far as I've seen from Angela, she seems like a normal mom... just like everyone else on here. I don't think CPS sends out headhunters on COM. Sorry but that's a wee bit far fetched.



And if you're that concerned about it. Change your real name and go incognito.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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If she was, and her years spent here as you say, their would be much blood on her hands older than my own.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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I never said she was here necessarily for ME.

Those put out their never are sent out for one person, just to pin point the ones who are to be brought down.

I see you do not reference any other part of my post.. a pity. You must not find a problem in the inconsistency.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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When I became a mother I gave up my right to patrol around recklessly saving anyone BUT my own children.

Still... the things I know and have seen can do just that, and yet I stopped after I had them.

something for the activists to think of. Are you saving the world or your children, and no answer exists saying "the world for my children" because if you choose your children first then you will be saving the world anyway, with better people to send into it.

Jenni - posted on 09/24/2011

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Ummm... can I interject here... Angela has been on COM for quite some time and is active in other communities. She is not sent here to spy on you.

And your son turns up on her profile in a contest because *your* contests show up when you check other people's profiles.
All the contests I've entered show up when I check someone else's profile. It's some sort of COM glitch.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2011

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I understand miss elizabeth.

Miss Angela... after our many pm's you stopped after I asked what you do for a liveing(after you were inconsitent) and as such you credability slackens with me.

Also... it shows a pic of my son in your contest entries.

Angela... why do some of the things you said in PM directly go against what you posted?

I wonder... is it you? The cps lady quoted a pm to YOU after all. Are YOU involved? I mad equite sure to do my research before this.

you should know, being around death from such a young age teaches you things you may not have otherwise learned, and though sometimes that makes me sound paranoid... I am not. I simply had to lose everything many times.

Before they killed him they made him watch. I was thrown because I bit down after they used me, a gun to my head... the only way to save me was to try to save me and ensure I would die.

I am not afraid to post this, but for someone who posts something so perfect in image about them-self and then cannot even understand what they try to post... I must question you now. How can you claim to be ptsd, and autistic too? You do not even have a basic understanding of what it is like beyond what is in books and on papers... and you do not act autistic. Their is a reason why my and a friend never had to ask, we already knew. Our mannerisms gave it away.

so.. what is real and fake to you?

I wipe the bottom of my feet but it is my gift and my curse. I dreamed of it before my mother passed, though I will be damed if I think my dream killed her as My grandmother said it did.

Their was a woman who was kind to me once, and she died... she was tied to the beam of her home as I screamed for her to get free... but she didn't try, and her home was burning... you know why she died? religion.

I am not paranoid, she just wasn't the first or the last for my eyes to see what lies in those dark corners.

I know what waits for those who don't know how to avoid it or have someone to protect them.

Angela... are you what waits for me or are you the hound sent in to befriend me first... I have seen those too.

Angela - posted on 09/23/2011

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Hi Stephani! How are you , I am glad you got to see your kids despite begin dirty at least you got to give them kisses

Elizabeth - posted on 09/23/2011

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Wipe of the bottom of your feet where negativity enters easiest. White light yourself. Ask for help from any of those spirits who are of the light. Send protection and love to your family. Strengthen that golden cord that is the mother child bond. Make sure that you let the energy flow from the universe through you so that you don't deplete what you have.

Jessica - posted on 09/23/2011

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exactly!



It's the big giant rolled out hug... and it is like... a big giant rolled out hug that has to be rolled back up and the boiled love has to be put into something else.



they stole my hug(yes, I realize how childish that sound)!



Not one of my most "adult" feeling/acting days...

Elizabeth - posted on 09/23/2011

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I know what you mean, you show your kids everyday by words and actions and physical affection like hugs and cuddles that you love them, and then something comes along and that love just swells inside you and rolls out into a giant hug.

Jessica - posted on 09/23/2011

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uh.... ladies.... while I am waiting for this to upload I should tell you, while I was signing the agreement to the "rules" of visitation... my son got a hold of the camera... and... apparently figured out how to.... use it. this is the first time I have been the least bit not annoyed with me ass looking that big.... his aim wasn't so great but he got a couple pics and a couple vids while he had it... *swooning* My baby found the camera and took his first pics... of me... if you wanna see them, I will post them after the vid, you just gotta say so.

I think... I feel so loved... I wish he was here so I could give him a BIG hug! I wish he was here anyway but... this is one of those moments where you would go great lengths to hug them even if you see them every day... not that I don't but... well someone has to know what I mean.

Jessica - posted on 09/23/2011

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and...hehehe... this IS where I go "off my tree"... I have quickly found it is easier to let her lie her ass off and simply report her unless it is something big and immediate. Love the expression emma.... might want to look up the names Rowan and Rohan.... their is more funny their than you know.



by "big and immediate" I mean the bruises and things that cannot wait. If I got upset about anything else they would blame "mental illness" and as it is... if I DON'T go off my tree(love it, also known as off my rocker, or nutty professor... they say "It doesn't seem like you care" and I am thinking "bullshit, I know what you want"



I learned from my mother mistakes...they made her take six months of anger classes(and that was six more months they kept us BTW) after she went off her tree at them... lol... love that saying once again... *cackles*.. well... it is something to focus on.



For those of you who don't know, today is a big "holiday", Beltane.



Not like the smaller ones are any less respected and important but... this is one of the big 4... think of it as a christian having their kids missing at Christmas.... though the one near Christmas is yule... if you didn't know they are names for the first day of each season, which I know the lady knew was important because she mentioned it when she scheduled the visit.

Jessica - posted on 09/23/2011

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thank you ladies. I am loading a video right now, it is short but... it was more important for me to tape and find out how the boys were doing than... well... tape them.

Elizabeth - posted on 09/23/2011

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Just want you to know that I am still sending protection, support and positive energy for yourself and your children.

Jessica - posted on 09/23/2011

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Now ladies... here you have seen me bitch, sound so evil I hardly recognize myself, and be pissed, and even hurt beyond all reason.



thank you.



today I visited with the boys... you have no idea how much self control it took to keep quiet, good thing I don't have to.



I have the number for the national abuse hotline.



My kids could be smelt in the hall and my youngest was so dirty his sandy BLOND hair was light brown... not color brown... DIRTY! Oily, dirty, ick.



BTW, the smell included, poop, piss, old puke, new puke, and a variety of unidentifiable nastiness.



My oldest... so oily the cps worker tried to feed me some crap about hair gel... hair GEL?!



Hair gel has different texture. I may look like a tomboy who doesn't wear makeup but I know my way around that stuff like the best of em.



Rather than start crap with the lady... in front of my kids... who ate like they were starved... (this also bothers me since rowan and rohan are usually more.... not so desperate eaters unless diner is late, but never THAT desperate, the broccoli).



So... instead of starting crap in front of my kids, or dealing with that lying bitch anymore... I am sitting on hold with the national abuse hotline... this won't be posted till I am done talking to them so... the connections I can only assume(better to assume than to be dead I have learned) they have connections in.



16 kids... single foster mom... working... they allow too much. How is day care better than home with mom? They had me all day! How is foster care so great if my kids are so... neglected... even worse than they tried to claim I did.



yeah... my "mental health" is neglect but they are letting this happen.



I am calling them for neglect.



My lawyer gets out here on Friday. Her travel plans are set... I have great friends. ^.^ Just had to bask in that a moment. Friends are such great things to have and you really learn who are your trues friends when things get their worst.



well. reported.



have a nice, wonderful day... oh and I reported the case manager and demanded a new one, they can be damned with their politics, this case manager makes excuses for abuse.

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2011

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Ok... remembered a few news stations existed that I have not called. Probably the lack of sleep due to the nightmares that come from ptsd..... funny how those weren't this bad WITHOUT their interference.

those bastards... may they rot in the place they deserve.

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2011

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this is me in a nervous breakdown, and still not a danger to my kids or myself... still not what you were supposed to prove I was.

GIVE Me my fucking kids BACK!!!

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2011

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2 weeks today. I have been at my wits end... 2 weeks of this hell and these people are not doing what they are supposed to.

I was told I would get a call from the fosters "within 5 days"... that on the 9nth of this month... I have asked more than once and they just throw out excuses.

I have been granted 1 visit and then one upcoming this Friday. the two previous ones(separates and actually I count them as 1 because it was once with each boy and it wasn't even an actual "visit"). I have been caring for my health here, but only so much I can do with all the stress.

I know they want to break me... I know they want me to crack... this case stinks so bad of everything they are NOT supposed to do I have a volunteer lawyer friend flying in from new York, and she knows everything, even the things that could hurt my case.

Gah! I tried for 3 days straight(not counting the other times I tried not in straight days) to reach DES to "notify" them of the changes... and only got through today after talking to the worker.

My nightmares have reached stress level prime... so I am not rested and therefore probably doing that odd talking louder and faster thing that happens when I am exhausted but stressed.

If this doesn't stop I am just gonna post pics of everything I know about the dirty crap that happens "inside" the government... pulease... I have ptsd... complex ptsd... from a military family... and I have the gift of not giving a crap about my "country"... like I could possibly betray something I never swore to and never stopped screwing me over and not bringing justice when my family was ripped apart by it's own corruption.... my parents are dead, and even some friends. I had to watch people die... sometimes closer than I liked.... meaning too close... didn't like any of it but... too close. I have stopped calling myself a wiccan... because I don't think my willingness to do ANYTHING to get them home is very harm none.... seriously... with what I have seen trust me... anything is pretty broad... and isn't confined to the spectrum of harm none.

If it continues I will resort to the things my grandmother was best at... oh the things watching teaches you. I am even not adverse to curses... I think I am going insane over this... no.... more like a mother who is being torn apart and the only reason she is alive is that she has 2 core personalities. Being the only living twin is only a technical term to me... actually only one of us sounds this nutty and crazy and... half insane.

Makes you wonder how that happened doesn't it. We used to be almost one person... almost, and then... this world showed us horrible things and made us do things we never wanted to do. Sound familiar?

We may not want to but... we will.

The fighter and the healer.... nicknames to reference to other ppl... but to us we simply exist. I wonder... one is willing to hurt and one is too hurt to stop her... but nothing physical... no hurting of self or with our hands, because that might hurt our children and our chance to get them safe.... in fact, I am sure the pagans know exactly what I speak of.

to me... this is the "lesser harm"... prepare oh workers. OUR pain is about to become your worst nightmare.

Jessica - posted on 09/21/2011

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You know, I have to say... I do not post every piece of my life on here. My mommy taught me to keep a little to protect myself and my family...



I am going to come at them when and from the direction they least expect it. May their organization rest in pieces.



Their stalking and stealing of children will yield only the evil of another version of my grandmother.



In fact, she did those things because of them, and I will never elaborate on here because doing so could also create another twisted soul... for ultimately her goal and intent was good... but her means were evil and twisted to their core.



I will forgive her because her love was for the children who would come one day, her evil reserved for her daughter and granddaughter. I will forgive her because her intent is helping me free them in a way I could never be... none of us could ever be... at least alive.



I have been examining my memories and I have to say... good luck. she had even this mapped out... everything... even things yet to happen.



Told you she was twisted... but you created her.



I won't let you create another her.



May my children be free as the people who created this country originally intended... instead of this twisted manipulative, bubble of corruption.



May the soul of my grandmother find reason to be pure in her next life... without the twisting. I feel her soul would have been bright if only she had not been torn, twisted, and hurt beyond the strength she possessed. I feel... that without those who mascaraed around with so much power... 3 generations would not have suffered through this fate.



I wonder... if cps knew what I know... would they be so eager?

Jessica - posted on 09/20/2011

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called the news. Apparently it isn't news worthy.

Got a lawyer who if flying out, is a friend of mine on facebook(who knew?), will be here by next week if all goes according to planned.

You are correct, it is a horrible sitchuation. It has had an effect on my health in general too.... and speaking as they keep harping on that(but it is different now.... almost like an excuse... go figure... cps taking kids wrongfully and then making half assed excuses...? no never *sarcasm*).

I plan to fight them and the thing is... I have everything written down and documented.

I don't care if they want to "help" and I will let them... but they are hurting me AND my kids. An unofficial diagnosis has been made on my son as well... I am sure I can find a news station I have not called... but they don't wanna admit they are wrong. I don't thin they realize how far I am willing to take this.

I have been off of any medication for almost 4 years. I have jumped through hoops to prove I didn't need them and was eventually planning on using them to help me with my anxiety... go figure... my rapist lives down the street so that gives my some anxiety going outside... like anyone who has been raped repeatedly by the same person. No wonder I need temp help with that...

Katherine - posted on 09/20/2011

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Forgive me for asking if you already posted this, but have you called an attorney?

Having Aspbergers does not make you an unfit parent. I don't know what else to say but this is a horrible situation and I empathize with you.

Call an attorney for a consultation, hell call the freakin news.

Jessica - posted on 09/20/2011

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hi ladies. I will have you know I know their is someone from the cps faction watching me... ike they think they ar e SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO smart looking on here.

Ladie wasn't surprised in the least when I told her "if you tested me for autism you would probably find mild, high functioning, autism"... no surprise at all... in fact her bod language wasn't that of a woman who didn't know at all... more like one who did and had her hand in the cookie jar.

I have known for awhile, as I have previously stated, and to be blunt... I should have figured their assumtions were based in something else. the emphasis on understanding, the incesant need for me to prove I understand... that has not a lick to do with ptsd.

Ok. I am autistic, asbergers actually. It is people like them who MAKE the cases who cannot function in todays world.

Yeah... my expression ain't always so great in words, but my actions, as I was taught, are mor important.

they want me to fix it and not be autistic. I cannot do that.

They keep on referencing things I have only said on here.

thing is, now that I have the TIME to go out and go to the doc... it would do more harm than good. My health is steadily declining physically since this has happened.

I just found out the reason one of my friends undertsand me is because they share this "prognosis"... however like me, they were taught at some point, how to live with their brain being different.

So I have to think things more comlicated and I have strong opinionis and problems with social skills. I have a logical and thoughough backing for every action I take.

I know every risk, and every precaution is taken.

Some things are beyond my control environmentally and some are... you are hindering us getting the hell outta dodge.

My neighbor abuses her children, and has a cps case... her "mental illness" is an excuse to you... and she is ok with that.

Me... is it a crime to be born different?

If it is... where were you when the laws were made?

So... your reaons for taking my kids were that in order to funtion I have to be logical and emotionally stunted?

Wow... I just described millions of people on this planet... especially the males(no offense)... so... you gonna tell guys they can't be single dads because they are not emo enough?

well... my opinion is that your a bunch of morons who doesn't quite understand what your actions are doing to people... and their kids. I am sure others exist who agree.

Jessica - posted on 09/16/2011

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read and responded... I am going to go lay down for a few now... 6:01 am... i need to lay down for a few and meditate before beginning my day(as if it ever ended but I am sure you all know what I mean...).. this is pure unadulterated torchure at its most painful... but I know I can make it for them.



for the record, I will stand up to the country of which I live and those of which I do not, for the safely and welfare of my children. You ladies ain't seen nothing yet.



I am understanding but also... nobody screws with my kids. this mom has claws. I may not always have all the help I should but I have managed many things despite this... now it is time to request help knowing what needs to be done next and how.



their is nothing I am not willing to do for my children... nothing.

Angela - posted on 09/16/2011

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look again... I just sent it..sorry should have said I am going to send you one....

Jessica - posted on 09/16/2011

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not showing anything in their... but yes, if it helps... but I worry about the times it hasn't when I was little myself, and all the kids who are hurt like rowan... what if trusting her yields such? as of such though... I am out of options.

for my kids, and for this to be done in a timely manner... I need help.

Angela - posted on 09/16/2011

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Maybe but be careful, if you can successfully get help I think this is a good route. I sent you a pm :)

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