Pot luck baby shower?? Ummmm....Excuse me?

Katherine - posted on 02/01/2012

I never heard of a pot luck baby shower. My baby showers were not like that at all. my family handled the food arrangements and I just showed up along with other friends and family.



to each their own

Deborah - posted on 01/31/2012

I know this is probably late but I just felt like I should Thank you and this mystery person...



I'm on my 3rd kid, my daughter will be 4, and my son will be 2... So a third baby shower almost seems redundant to me, i was going to skip having one AGAIN, mainly because I still have all the stuff I need from my son (Gender neutral stuff mostly).



So Thank you for a great Idea! Since I don't need anything big or major, I Think a pot luck/diaper party combo is actually a very good idea. Not only will it be able to include everyone (rather than just women) but it's a great way for my extended family to get together with little monetary expense (depending on gas prices, of course...)



In your situation, I do think it slightly rude, particularly if she invited a lot of acquaintances....although I'll give her credit for giving 2 weeks notice in a possible change of plans... I always felt baby showers were more or less 'snacky' occasions, offering snacks or sweets rather than a full-blown meal.



So I think a pot luck style baby shower is perfectly acceptable, but it really depends on the situation.

Shawnn - posted on 01/23/2012

I would say that your idea of social norm is different than their idea.



Rather than continuing to feel like you are in a situation where they are just fishing for gifts, or you feel put upon to join them when you're really not comfortable, perhaps you'd best let your DH know that you socially cannot get along with them, so he's either on his own for events, or neither of you will attend.



I'm not saying her methods were correct, but as I pointed out earlier, perhaps this is the way that this particular group interacts, and they are trying to be inclusive of the new folks.



It kind of bothers me just a teeny bit that you are being so judgmental of their financial situation..."Broke or not, you can afford more than a cake" Unless you really know them well, you really don't know that for sure, and to assume so is also a bit rude. And, unless you've walked in those shoes, you'll never understand how hard it is sometimes to admit that you really do need assistance, without it sounding like begging or fishing.



Best to all

Justa - posted on 01/23/2012

Oh just to add to it....in the beginning the woman said that there would be an open bar for those ladies who werent preggo as it was held in a restaurant/bar. ON THE DAY OF THE SHOWER....she posted and said....Oh sorry I better correct myself, earlier I said open bar but what I meant was the bar will be open if you want to buy drinks...?!?!?! Also she was making a cake. Thats it. LMAO! Broke or not, you can afford more than a cake....we have all saved you hundreds of dollars by purchasing half your baby's stuff for you. Rude! I didnt go but she still got a gift from us.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 01/10/2012

Or that she told you from the beginning, not 2 weeks before hand. That sucks!

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 01/10/2012

I'd think that sort of thing would ONLY be okay if everyone was very close friends or she was having a hard time with the pregnancy and had a small kid already or something that would cause her to ask that. Hmmmm. I'm old fashioned too though

Justa - posted on 01/10/2012

I get where you're coming from Hun but when the effort to "include me" in social events only extends to the gift giving events.......lol. Just sayin. I guess I'm a bit old school in the thinking of "giving and receiving". Not just take take take.... ;o) it's hard times for everyone not just the expectant parents. The initial invitation included details of her baby registry for us to buy gifts.

Shawnn - posted on 01/10/2012

Did a search, and here's a partial history of showers: The predecessor to modern-day baby showers began to take shape during the Victorian era. A Victorian woman would keep her pregnancy a secret as long as possible and would not appear in public due to cultural definitions of proper behavior. Even the words “pregnant” or “pregnancy” were nearly taboo. After she gave birth, however, often other women would hold tea parties for the new mother--but only afterthe baby was born. In a move that may hint at modern baby shower games, women would attempt to predict pregnancy with childish games (Gelis 1991). For example, if two teaspoons were accidentally placed together on a saucer, it would be speculated that a woman might be expecting. In the early 1900s, the post-birth tea parties turned into showers. Gifts were typically handmade, except, as in the Middle Ages, the grandmother would give silver. A woman who had a second baby might be thrown a “sprinkling."

Here's the link: http://www.randomhistory.com/2008/11/01_...

and, IMO, it's not rude for someone to send out cards saying "i'm having a baby, come help me celebrate". Some moms don't have anyone close enough to put together a shower. Some are new in the area. Some simply don't have the resources.

However, to say "i'm having a baby, bring gifts" is immature. Doesn't sound like that happened, and from the wording, especially on FB, it sounds that most of this group of women are well acquainted, and a potluck would probably be the normal course for a gathering amongst them.

Since you're new to that area, they are trying to include you. However, if you feel uncomfortable, but have already accepted the invite, then forward your regrets and an inexpensive gift.

Justa - posted on 01/10/2012

I'm not sure where it originated from hundreds of years ago, only that I was explaining it to some British friends and my own country and they were all a bit taken back. We tend to visit after the baby is born and take a gift. ;o) I just meant that as of today, it's a very American thing.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/10/2012

I'm only bringing this up because I like sharing info I've learned and you had said that showers were American.

Actually, I believe that showers are Irish in origin although not positive other than that I remember it was European and is from many centuries back. It was to shower the bride to be or mom to be with gifts, and the guests helped prepare the food.

Justa - posted on 01/10/2012

Teresa, I don't throw a party TO get gifts. It's just going to happen though isn't it. I've not been to a wedding or baby shower yet where somebody has chosen not to bring a gift?? That knowledge in hand I'm going to feed my guests. To me it's just gracious but again, that's how I was raised so these things are heard to change. To be fair baby showers are an American thing anyway and the whole concept is considered a bit rude in my country (which is lets face it, other than celebrating your first baby its about about throwing a party to be showered in gifts for your first baby) but after living in the states for years I have come round to the idea and think its a great way to help new parents but I still feel a bit awkward not providing food in return. My neighbor insisted on doing mine & wouldn't hear of anyone else doing it. In the end she let me down and 2 weeks prior, had not even sent an invitation. Being that it was only very close friends that all knew by word of mouth about the shower anyway and were asking what the deal was and the wheres and whens etc,I had to go ahead and do mine all myself. However I can tell you this: 1-it really was only a small affair being very close friends and their partners and kids....no inviting people I don't speak to on a weekly basis-aka "gift grabbing!" lol! And 2- I fed them all well! They were provided with a full BBQ lunch with ribs, burgers etc, a bunch of sides and a casserole, bunch of desserts and chips n dip around the place etc. yes it cost a bit but I'm so glad I did it because the gifts they gave us would have amounted to more than the food and I would have felt terrible had I not provided it all. Ho hum....just all different strokes for different folks I guess!? Hehe!

Kellie - posted on 01/09/2012

Yes THAT is rude Elizabeth! I couldn't bring myself to do a Baby Shower Gift Registry! Actually I don't even think I was aware at that time you could do that, my mind just doesn't work that way.

I'd already either bought or put on layby all the big stuff anyway, his Mother kept telling me off because SHE wanted to get stuff and I was too organised for her. Oh well my baby my responsibility. They did get us the pram though.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/09/2012

Kellie, a party to celebrate is great. I would have come to that if you had thrown it for yourself and I was invited and near, and I would have brought something for your little one. The reason I said throwing a shower for yourself is rude is because the people I know who did that were like, "I'm having a shower and here is my registration" and everything was at least $50.

Kellie - posted on 01/09/2012

That's exactly how I feel Teresa.

Teresa - posted on 01/09/2012

Funny.... I've never once in my life had a party for the gifts. I don't care if anyone gives me a gift or not. I like to celebrate w/ the people I love and that's my entire reason for throwing parties. Bring a gift? Great. Don't bring one? That's great too....

Jurnee - posted on 01/09/2012

The idea seems strange to me also. I know times are hard, but I think at least some cheese and cracker and cake and coffee should be provided by the hosts. I know gifts arent mandatory, but face it, almost everybody brings gifts, and that is a big money saver.

Justa - posted on 01/09/2012

Hmmmm well it's definately interesting hearing everyone's opinions thanks gals. ;o) don't get me wrong I think pot lucks are great fun and a good idea for a gathering. I guess it's just how I was raised but I just feel that if you know it's gift situation which lets face it, baby showers, weddings etc generally are, I just feel that I should put on a little bit of something to say thank you? This to me is just as good as saying, please bring me gifts, oh and bring food too so all I have to do is turn up and get my gifts. Lmao! We are not made if money either but the way I see it, is you would be buying all these baby items anyway if you didn't have a baby shower so can't you at least spend HALF of that money on some food to say thanks?! Sheesh! Lol! I mean a cheeseboard & crackers and a few nibbles isn't going to come NEAR what you would have paid for all the gifts people are kind enough to give. I don't know. Each to their own I guess. Doesn't help that I've met them only 3 times. Lol. And the first time was their wedding....haha! Seems a little gift grabby to me....

Julie - posted on 01/09/2012

I've never been to a "pot luck" baby shower, nor have I actually ever heard of one. Because of that, it sounds strange to me, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Just different, for me anyway.

Kellie - posted on 01/09/2012

I threw myself a baby shower, no other bastard was going to throw one for me so I did it. It was more of a big get together than a traditional shower though.

I did provide food and nibbles and people byo'd their drinks, I'm not made of money.

I like the pot luck idea, in this day and age it helps to ease the burden especially if you aren't doing so well cash flow wise.

I have no and see no issue with throwing yourself a baby shower and I personally don't expect presents or whatever from people, now that I DO find rude.

Teresa - posted on 01/09/2012

I think if it were going to be a potluck then that should've been mentioned w/ the initial invite. Otherwise I have no issue w/ it. LOTS of things are potluck over here though... including my own wedding reception... and several birthday parties that I have attended. My opinion on it is that if you don't like it... don't go.

September - posted on 01/09/2012

I'm mean sure that's how it typically works in most cases however maybe there is a reason she'd like to make it a potluck. Maybe she doesn’t have the energy to cook; maybe she's broke and needs help. I mean there could be a legit reason for this. I'd be happy to bring a dish personally. It's a baby shower, it's all about giving and showering the soon to be Mother. It’s not at all about the person that’s hosting the party and I would never base my opinion or decisions off of that one individual. Of course this is just my opinion.

Justa - posted on 01/09/2012

Well supposedly it's being hosted by the latter mentioned person who is a bit if a "taker" so I was a little surprised she would shell out and throw a shower for someone? Lol! And I guess she's not otherwise it wouldn't be pot luck! Hehe! It was the mother to be who created the Facebook event saying that this other woman was throwing her a baby shower, and the mother to be who keeps posting details of the when and where etc. in fact she appears to be organizing it herself.....I'm assuming the other woman has nothing to do with it and this was just said to make it sound better because we all know you don't throw yourself one. Lol!

Elizabeth - posted on 01/08/2012

Actually a lot of the baby showers I've been to have been pot luck. The hostess normally provides the cake, a few appetizers and drinks as well. Then again, the person who hosts the shower is normally a friend or a family member of the mom to be. Am I to understand that this is being hosted by the parents to be? If so, then asking for pot luck is rude, but to my notion holding a shower for yourself is rude. The one time I was invited to a shower that someone held for themself, I didn't go.

I definatly understand your annoyance at the person who isn't reciprocating your generosity. Honestly, I want to play the devil's advocate because I can see situations where her behavior is not one of being tight, and I SO want EVERYONE in the world to get along and to understand each other. (I'm a dreamer) Instead, I'm just going to leave it with, I understand where you're coming from.