A lie in a new blended family

Gina - posted on 04/16/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My wedding is in a few months and I have 2 children of my own in addition to 2 step children. My fiance found out last year that that his youngest child that he has been raising as his own is not his child. He then told me that when she got pregnant she told him that there was a chance the baby may not be his. Since they had already had a son, he chose to stay and raise the new one as his own. I am very bothered by the fact that he is thinking about not telling the child or his own family about this situation. The biological father does not even know he has a child as well. According to my fiance, he knows him.I feel that this is a secret that could destroy his relationship with both his children. I have alot of anxiety about keeping a secret this major in my new family. My mother in law and father in law dont even know. To top it all off his ex wife is very mean to my fiance and unreasonable. Am I over reacting? Is it even any of my business?

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Lacieann - posted on 05/22/2012

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I think it's important that the child knows that his daddy isn't his biological father. How you go about it really depends on how old the child is. He should know if only for the sake of medical history and that this boy's bio dad should know that he fathered a son.

My mom went through this, and found out at 13 that her dad wasn't her bio dad from a hospital visit.They called for her with a different last name than she was going by, and that's how she figured it out. She says it was one of the most hurtful things that has happened to her.

If your fiance' doesn't tell this boy the truth then there's the risk of him finding out from someone else, or even from his mom telling him just to be hurtful later on. It's selfish to try and hide it, and to keep this boy from his bio dad and that side of his family. Telling this boy the truth doesn't mean that his daddy loves him less, but that he loves him enough not to hide the truth.

You will be helping clean up any emotional fallout, so yes, it is your business.

Sofia - posted on 04/20/2012

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I sympathize with you. It's an awkward position to be, so I can understand where you feel placed in the middle of it. my advice is this: stay out of it. allow your husband, who is the one taking the responsibility of rearing the child as his own, to make the decision. If the truth ever comes out, you say you were respecting his wishes and that is all you have to say.



I think you will get to very distinct point of view on this subject. Some ppl think you should tell the child right away. Others feels you should wait until the child is older and better able to handle the truth. Personally, I dont think there's really a right or wrong. It's a matter of preference. And not every situation being the same.



Good luck!

ps. If the child has anyone to be mad at, it should be his mother who made a mess of his life. This is what happens when ppl sleep around. Not feeling bad for bio mom.

[deleted account]

I think you are right to have concerns, especially if the boy finds out that the man he's grown up to call 'Dad' is not his biological Dad, but it's someone else, known not only to both of you and his biological Mum.



think it's worth sitting down and actually having a good talk about what you actually want to say to him, especially if he finds out that another man is his biological Dad. Also worth finding out what the legal situation is on this. Is your fiance the person named on the birth certificate? My feeling would be that you need to know what rights your fiance has and also the biological father. Get some advice from the solicitor and go from there.



Certainly it's a subject that's got to be taken slowly and carefully taking into account on how all the children will feel when they find out.



Any of your business? Whatever comes of it, you will have to help your fiance and the children deal with the reaction of others and what happens. So for the best interest of all concerned, you need to be aware of what's happening, even if the most you do is give emotional support to your partner and the child that is his biologically, as well as your own.



Good luck.

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Jen - posted on 05/15/2012

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Hmmmm.... tough.. BUT Kay S put it right... These were choices that your fiance and his wife (at the time) made before you were even a thought.. it is THEIR problem to deal with. Not your place (just my opinion)... it's kinda no different than the china they got for their wedding.. maybe not what YOU would have chosen, but really doesn't apply to you... I TOTALLY get where you feel like you should say something.. but if your soon to be hubby has been raising this child as his own for all these years.. what do you really expect him to do? You are going to totally jack up this kid.. let them deal with it.. it's on them...

Kay - posted on 04/20/2012

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And by not had a choice, I think I should probably clarify:

Bio mom had a choice--she chose to sleep around.
Your fiance had a choice--he chose to be a father to this child (which is a great thing).
You had a choice--you have chosen to marry a man with children.

I definitely have respect for you and your DF, mind you, and very little for the biological mother of these children.

Kay - posted on 04/20/2012

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Also, consider the child first. This is the man that he/she has seen as his/her father. Above all else, the child is the only one that has not had a choice in this matter, and I highly recommend taking the time to consider how to best reduce the impact of this on the child first, over everyone else involved.

We had a similar situation with my fiance's youngest daughter. He wonders, but his ex swears that she was only unfaithful with the man she left him for. We decided it wasn't worth pursuing (and to be fair--I think she looks a lot like him) for her sake as much as his.

Good luck.

Ashley - posted on 04/19/2012

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Im sory but i dont think its your position to interfear, yes there may be issues later, but there could be huge ones now its up to your husband and he may change his mind eventully on telling him, but as an adult he may take it a lot better than as a child.

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