Am I unfair???

Ashley - posted on 10/01/2012

You do deserve some time to yourself, but no your 3 kids did not become priority just because they live there. His kids should still be his priority. As for his ex cheating on him and treating him bad, thats not for you to judge or even care about and it definatly should not have anything to do with him seeing his child. 30 miles really isnt that far, but maybe he could pick him up when its his time to have him and she can pick him up when its time for him to go home. It sounds like your just coming up with reasons not to take him. You should enjoy a few days to yourself, but also take him for a few days. It would be a perfect time for you to bond with him y the other kids are gone and it would be perfect for him to have o.e on one time with daddy. You married him knowing he had kids, therefore you also married his kids abd him working is no excuse for you not to watch him. Like it or not, hes now one of your children. Suck it up or your family is not goibg to work.

Amanda - posted on 09/21/2010

I have a "blended" family as well. I have two sons of my own and two stepdaughters. They all live with us full time and I wouldnt have it any other way.

When you marry someone with kids you do in fact marry their kids. You cant view it as watching his kid. He is your kid now too. You wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed with your own children.

You spend every night after 7:30 together...Thats alot of time. My spouse and I do the same thing and the weekends are family time. I think its fair to give sometime to the new baby and your relationship...but new babys arent grown yet and dont require the same individualized attention a child does.

Carla - posted on 09/21/2010

I know Jamie's comments sounded a little strong, but I agree with her. These children are totally innocent in this situation. You can't make the ex pull her own weight, either. It's a horrible situation, but one that you two will have to deal with. The time you have with your children goes by very quickly, and you have to cram so much learning and guidance into them in that amount of time. You will long for the times when their voices reverberated off the ceiling, and you will sit in an empty house wondering where the time went.

Motherhood is sometimes rough, and step-motherhood is no exception. But it is our responsibilities to raise them to the best of our abilities.

I hope you can take some comfort in that you will survive this, and if you take your parenting seriously, you will have a bunch of grateful adult children.

God bless, honey

Chesnie - posted on 09/20/2010

I get this way too..I feel so much anger sometimes when I watch his kids during the summer a few weeks. I am so used to our baby girl and girls in general that I know nothing about boys and they tend to be sooo boring. I wish he had daughters instead of 2 sons, we could have so much fun..lol..sometimes I feel I make our daughter a priority over his sons becaue she is with us all the time and they are only here every other weekend. Its not fair and I always end up apologizing to him, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with all three kids. They are good well behaved kiddos. I'm sorry you are going thru this. Its not the kids fault its just that he prolly feels so overwhelmed working and dealing with the ex and finances and trying to make everyone happy. Just try and see things his way and think positively. There is nothing wrong with you, it is overwhelming when they are not your biological kids.

MELISSA - posted on 09/11/2010

not at all are you being unfair you need time for yourselves and the ex needs to grow up for real if she wanted him she should of acted right when she had him and now that he has someone new she wants to be bitter grow up and make it about your child not me and my husband and thats what i would tell her

Jamie - posted on 09/11/2010

First of all this child was in the picture before you were. He has a responsibility to that child as his father. You should not expect him to choose your children, which are not his, and the new baby over his other children. If she wants him to get the child during the week then you should not tell him he can not simply because you don't want to help him watch him. That is unfair to him and the child. This is my opinion and I have a step-son and my own daughter and we are having our own. You are a blended family now and you don't have a choice on whether you are a step-parent or not now. You knew he had children and you agreed to marry him and help him take care of these kids.

Rhea - posted on 08/18/2010

I think it is unfair; and very telling that you said "our family" and that doesn't include your stepkids. You married a man with kids, and they are now part of your family as well. Like it or not you need to make some adjustments to include them. If you really can't handle it (babies are a handful) look for something out of the house that they can do (day camp was always fun for me and gave my stepmom a chance to "rest" with my newborn half-brother).

Kathy - posted on 08/13/2010

You married him knowing he had children, but you should not have to be responsible to babysit them while he is at work. They are to spend time with their dad, that is his responsibility, not yours. You have your own children and you do deserve a break. You are not unfair. What would be unfair is that if you planned a family trip and didn't include them but not because the ex wants him to spend time with his kids. If he is at work during the week then they aren't spending time with him anyway. What's the point in that?

Melanie - posted on 08/12/2010

No I don't think you are being unfair. If you just got married you should be able to have time, with you and your new baby with your husband.The way I see it they had there time together, so now should be your time.When I got out the hospital from having my two yr old, I could not even ask my fiance, how 2 put the car seat in. He was to busy being bugged by his ex with foolishness. Yes everyone deserve's a break with alone time. It is a hard situation, If your husband is understanding. Just explain how you feel. Enjoy your new hubby!!

Angie - posted on 08/10/2010

touchy touchy touchy!!! this a situation that can quickly cause big drama! Put your self in hisshoes for a moment. Although i agree that you need time alone with your baby and new husband i also believe that you knew what you were getting into b4 u were married. I do not believe it is fair to tell your husband when he can and can not see his child. How would you feel if your husband told you that he only wanted your children there while he was at work because he was not prepared to deal with them. You are now a mother/step mother to 5 children. I honestly believe that any mother would resent her husband if the show were on the other foot.Also i am not sure how you are not prepared to look after him if you have 2 children older than him. I am sorry but i have to ask what are you not prepared for? You obviously know how to raise and take care of a child. I think that it is VERY unfair that you want your children and the baby to take priority. No one child is ever more important than the other! And you should be ashamed to think that just because you gave birth to them they are more important than his children!

MamaTo2 - posted on 08/09/2010

I don't think you are being unfair at all. There's nothing wrong with wanting special time for you and your husband. Yes, the children are very important and should be a top priority...but not the sole top priority. I believe your marriage is every bit as important. From what you've said it doesn't sound like you're trying to work on your relationship at the EXPENSE of the kids...you're not telling him not to see his son at all for a period of time, just to simply switch the days he sees him. Absolutely nothing wrong with that! What you are asking is that he consider ALL aspects of the family in his arrangements, and honestly, it sounds like your suggestion is what's best for your whole family, not just you. The whole point of visitation is for him to spend as much time with his son as possible...what good is it doing either of them if his son comes on days when your husband is working all day?? Switching to weekends sounds like it would be best for their relationship as well as giving you a little break for a while, which will renew you, mind body and soul, leaving you able to be the best wife and mother to all of them that you can be! Plus leaving those week nights for you and your husband to share together would be a great time of rejuvenation for your marriage. Everyone needs that time sometimes! And while I agree with everyone that the children should be a top priority, you should never lose yourself or because then you won't be a strong enough person to guide them through life. You're not pushing his son out of the picture or trying to place yourself in a position of higher importance, you're wanting what's best for everyone. I think your suggestion is not only fair but a great idea all around. If it were me I would just try to really get your husband to see how it benefits the family as a whole.

Judy - posted on 08/04/2010

hey Joanna, just another thing...... just take a hugh breathe.... or two :) it really sounds like you feel like you've jumped into the deep end and you haven't had a chance to start swimming yet. stay focused on your relationship first absolutely one day all those kids will be having kids of their own and your friendship with hub will remain. Just a thought too...... when my 7th was born I was so overwhelm I didn't realize it until later that I hit post-partum really hard. I breezed through all the other and didn't give it a thought. But I was battling severe depression. Go talk to your dr..... nothing wrong with saying you are very overwhelms a simple drug test can tell if your chemically off.

Judy - posted on 08/04/2010

Well...... all of this is not a new situation. You walked into it with your eyes open. Blending a family is a long hard road. blending is blending making it all one. The motto all for one and one for all is helpful. Separating your hub from his son will in the end separate you from him. You are certainly entitle to some time to yourself. Learn to think outside the box. My hub and I have 7 kids. We have spent the last 2 yrs draining our saving to get custody of his son. I have 3 from before and we have 3 together ages 2, 3, &4. Find someone who is willing to swap kids watching to you can set up a date night and hold it sacred. My friends tease that I get u[ a 4 am to see my hub aff to work (can't he get himself off?? hahahah) I do this 6 day s week to have some time just him and me. Remember this is now just the beginning you are setting the foundation for those stepkids teenage years where they might just end up living with you. What do you want your relationship with them to be like? but also get it into the visitation agreement that the ex will either drive part way each time or all the way one time during drop off and pick up.

Samantha - posted on 08/04/2010

When you have children, its not about what you want for yourself anymore, its all about them. I have 2 step children, a child from a previous marriage and we have a child together. The kids go to their mom's every other weekend. I watch all 4 children all the time. When I go somewhere, they go with me. When we plan something, all are including if they are with us. The only time my husband and I have any time is when the kids are sleeping. When you marry someone with children you are also marrying their children. Its not always easy, but you will put a strain on your relationship if you show any ill emotions towards any of the children.

Joanna - posted on 08/04/2010

Thanks for that Annmarie. We do try and cherish our relationship and that's why the kids always go to bed early by 7.30, so that we get the evening to ourselves, lol. Post it notes seems like a good idea too. I'm still on maternity leave, so at least I haven't got the stress from work as yet. I do go back in September and really not looking forward to it all,lol.

Annmarie - posted on 08/04/2010

Date night can happen anywhere. Try this... once you are used to your normal schedule look for a time when you and he could just snuggle and watch a movie, play a game of cards, hell you could play anything. The idea is that you prepare, or buy a favorite yummy to share, light some candles, kids in bed, and just you and he enjoy an hour just being together. Make sure you do not bring up any stressful topics and commit to talking about mutual interests.There is 24hrs in a day and yes it will be challenging to do this, but if you really want it you will find a way. How about love coupons, little post it notes. The smallest spark can make a bonfire! My hubby and I will call or text a sexy or loving msg during the day. Some times I just text him stuff like " I love when you make me laugh even when I don't want to" You need to find any moment that can be stolen just for the two of you, even if it's just seconds long. Good book for you would be " Men are from mars and women are from Venus" I loved it!

Joanna - posted on 08/04/2010

Thanks for you reply. Annmarie you said that 'We all want time for ourselves, but the children come first and the needs of the family unit is priority'. I agree, but also disagree. How do you have a working family unit if you don't have time for your husband??? Children might come first, but so does the relationship. We have no family to help us, my husband has got a useless mother, who doesn't do anything. We even had to go on our honeymoon with the baby (and this was only a weekend away). My mother lives in a different county, but I know that she would do so much more and maybe I wouldn't feel so stressed out. My ex husband hasn't got any family here either so we really don't have anyone to rely on if we want time for ourselves.

Lisa - posted on 08/03/2010

Well one thing is when you married you agreed to take on his baggage (not meant in a bad way) sadly ALL the parents involved should work together for the sake of the children but most times it doesnt work like that, usually 2 of the 4 end up doing the most work. I wouldn't try and guilt him or it just might end up blowing up in your face eventually, most times parents feel they have to fight for the children brought to the marriage to begin with. I know you want time but it looks like you have a pretty good X and he does not, you may just have to suck it up knowing thats just the way it is, may not be fair but if you dont stand up for his kids who will. good luck!

Annmarie - posted on 08/03/2010

Well, you certainly are entitled to time for yourself. You married this man vowing better or worse. You decided to blend your family and now you must do just that. His child is yours and yours are his. If you choose to keep it separate you will only start a chain of constant separation. We all want time for ourselves, but the children come first and the needs of the family unit is priority. You have just begun your blended journey. Make a scheduled time for just the three of you by using your ex- partners, family, friends. We have 6 children. His 3 went to moms, my 2 went to dads and we spent time with ours. Once a month we did it. The past is the past. It doesn't matter how she was while they were together. It is you and him now. This is a chance for you and your step - children to bond. However unfair things are you must always stay focused on your family bond. Believe me they are all so young now, and yes, you will be tired and frustrated, but I promise there is light at the end and all your effort will be worth it. There will be much self sacrifice, but you will grow much stronger as a family as the years go on. It took me a very long time to realize that I was looking in the wrong direction many times, almost gave up too! His ex is not your concern, unless she physically brings harm to your home and family. Stay focused on him and bonding the children together with lots of love and patience. I was overwhelmed too when we blended....Hang on Girl it's worth the ride!