Are we in the wrong?

Marcella - posted on 05/02/2010 ( 26 moms have responded )

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My fiancee and I need this awnsered, we are getting married in 27 days and when we asked his ex about bringing the baby to the park for the wedding we got you are still f****** bugging me about ya'lls wedding and made it clear that she would "see" if the baby could make it, now none of the kids are in their custody and in actuality the baby is in her mom's care but she takes care of her instead and lives in the home with her. The boys will be there we were told if the foster family still has them if they dont she may have them, are we wrong in going on with our wedding if she refuses to bring them? she stated to me it was crappy if we got married without the kids there and we dont want to but if she wont let us have them it is not our fault. I feel this is her last attempt at stopping us from getting married.

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26 Comments

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Amber - posted on 05/18/2010

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wow, that is horrible! How unhappy she must be with herself and her own life to pull a stunt like that! I would go ahead with the big day. Yea, it's a downer for her to keep them out of such a happy occasion when it's something that affects them too, but if you let her win this round then she'll keep it up and it will escalate (trust me I know :( ) Just never forget to always be the bigger person, and who knows? Maybe you can kill her with kindness! Good luck!

Marcella - posted on 05/13/2010

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To give all an update unfortunately she has won custody of the children and they will be placed with her in July, as far as the wedding goes well she is madder than a wet hen because it has been ORDERED that the baby girl be at the wedding and the foster mom is making sure the boys are there thanks you all for your support and suggestions

Renee - posted on 05/13/2010

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@Emma, that's a great idea to video tape messages!! Too bad we didnt' think of that.

Emma - posted on 05/13/2010

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It sounds like she is being as difficult as she can. I think you should have your wedding try, of course to work it out but do not give in to her demands which is what this sounds like. The kids may not be there which will be painful for you both i can only try to imagen how much, but they know who the bad guy is. Children are not silly. Video tape as much as you can with personal messages through out the day to them. Let them watch it when they are with you next so they know for sure they were on both of your minds all day. They will appreciate it!

[deleted account]

Don't allow the feelings that she is putting out there for you to have take control. You are the boss of you and the wedding, not her. It is, unfortunately, just an invitation as with every other guest that comes.
If the children are under someone else's care other than the mother's, then talk to guardian. That is the most you can do. I agree with having a special party when the children come over. Maybe you can wear your dress again for them (or outfit...) Buy the children a special outfit to wear for the celebration too! Really expand on this after the wedding if this is what has to be.

Marcella - posted on 05/10/2010

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She has been an ex since March of this year but they have been seperated for 15 months now, not until october of 2009 did my fiancee know that the baby was his. I am going to stay on this forum because it seems like the moms who are just moms not stepmom have to bash me on other forums saying I have no ight being there so thank all of you for your input and support.

Renee - posted on 05/09/2010

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Your first instinct is the right one. If she feels it's crappy to go on with YOUR wedding when the kids are not there, yet she's not putting the effort to make sure the kids are there, you're correct in what you're thinking of her intentions. It's your wedding.



My husband and I got married, and we invited his ex and his children, she called the morning of and said her and the kids can't make it because of the cat being sick. We went on with the wedding anyway. It took time for the kids to acknowledge that we are married, but they know. When the kids came to visit us the day after the wedding, we gave them leftovers and cake and showed them the pictures from the wedding.



Obviously your fiance's ex hasn't been an ex for very long if there's a baby involved. So you can pretty much expect bitterness on her end. From what I can tell, the issue with the kids about the wedding is just the beginning. Prepare yourself for more. It's been rough for me and yet, my husband and his ex split up (her decision, she found another man) 2 years before him and I got together, and I'm still dealing with her anonymosity.

Dorothy - posted on 05/09/2010

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Yeah it sounds like she doesn't want anyone to have him. You sound like a good woman go ahead with your plans with your future & everything will work itself out. I can clearly see the love is there from you for the kids. Good luck to you, I've been there.

Robyn - posted on 05/08/2010

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hey you could always renew your vowels later when you are all together.then you can all get married (again)
just a thought

Michele - posted on 05/08/2010

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no it is not wrong. she is being pig headed about it. i say get married then if the children question it just tell them that you decided to go ahead and do it. its not ideal i know and not what you want but if shes being like that then you have to do what you have to do. best of luck to you all

Marcella - posted on 05/07/2010

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Yes there is more but I am not going to indulge on the severity of the house but to let all know my guy helps keep our house clean and is very involved with getting his children back. I do not feel I need to let in on all the details of the case that was not my question.

Cheresa - posted on 05/07/2010

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That house had to be like the ones on Hoarders for them to take those kids away. I have seen many a dirty house and the kids don't get taken. There's more to that story.

Kimberly - posted on 05/07/2010

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I think you should still get married, you can let the kids know they were very much wanted there and you two did all you could to ensure that they would be there.

Deena - posted on 05/06/2010

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Nope babies grow up and they will do what makes them happy. You should do the same. You could wait FOREVER to get them all there. Do your wedding take lots of pictures and show them about the most important day besides their birth.

Marcella - posted on 05/06/2010

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I will give him this he has been on the up and up with me and I have been able to verify everything he has said, either from the caseworker or other people. I do know the situation and thank you for your concern for me and the children. I love those babies as my own.

Pam - posted on 05/06/2010

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Ok. I did not mean to throw stones, it's just that too many times I hear stories like this and in the end the only two people who actuall know what went on in the household are the divorced couple. I admit that this is a very touchy subject for me because of past experiences.

I do believe that your last statment about your husband hiring a maid might be the key here. The reason, I feel, he should have hired a maid, or whatever other measures he could have taken, is so he would not lose his kids. To me that is motivation for just about anything.

I am sorry for upsetting you, I only have yours and those childrens' best intersets at heart. In my field too many times women are taken advantage of and told what the man wants them to know. I just pray your guy is on the up & up.



God Bless

Marcella - posted on 05/06/2010

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Okay I really did not want to post this all over BUT i guess to sum things up. This was a dirty house case, my fiancee worked two jobs and constantly tried to keep the house clean while the ex was always gone. Two of the children were taken out of the home and we are working on getting them returned to us. YES I have children of my own and they are grown now. YES he knows that he messed up and this is one reason him and his ex are divorced is because she would not as you say step up to the plate, and be a wife and mother. I have been involved with the case for 8 months now and very involved with the case to regain custody of the children I really hate people throwing stones before they know the full story. He says he messed up maybe he should of hired a maid but my question is why should he of done that if his ex was suppose to be a stay at home mom sitting on her backside not doing anything.

Pam - posted on 05/06/2010

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AMEN Sara Turner and Angela Weddle!!!!!!
What in the world??!!
First of all, bride, do you currently have or are you planning on having any children of your own? And IF you do or are, have you thought of the ramifications of having a child with someone who has already lost custody of three!!!!!
I work with too many kids who get shoved through foster care and then are placed back with parents who use them as ashtrays, guinea pigs for their meth they make in the basement, or some sort of sick sadistic sexual rituals, to just keep my mouth shut on this one!
Really, you should think about the situation long and hard for you are putting yourself and any children you may EVER have into a world of trouble. Even if this man is a "perfect" angel, he does not have custody of his own children and people will know this and once you are married, you are going to be questioned about this millions of times. If you become pregnant or have children now, people are going to thinkl bad of you for placing a child in the home with a man who does not have custody of his OWN children.

May God Be WIth You,

Pam Black

Angela - posted on 05/05/2010

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Sara Turner, that was my first thought also. No we don't know the whole situation but I became a single parent at the age of 16 and now have 4 beautiful daughters. I lived on my own, recieved no financial help, made my share of mistakes however never did I place myself into the situation of loosing my children.

As for the bride...please think things over and make absolutly sure you are making the right decision by getting married. For them to not have custody means they definantly screwed up big time. So here you have someone who has made some sort of huge mistake that costed him his children, a vengeful ex, and a lot of drama. Wedding bells can ring anytime anyday no need to rush into anything!

Barby - posted on 05/05/2010

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well if she thinks you shouldnt get married without the kids, but refuses to tell you if they'll be there, she's just trying to prevent the wedding.

Sara - posted on 05/05/2010

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Why are you marrying someone who's children are in foster care. Am I the only one who sees serious issues here???

Michelle - posted on 05/04/2010

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Funny thing is ... when it comes to people like this, they will ALWAYS do the opposite of what is best, right and wanted . She stated it would be wrong of you to marry with out them all there, but refusing to allow it ..... she is just trying to ruin your day because she can .
If a child protective agency is involved with the kids , get it arranged by them . They are there to advocate for children taken from a parent[s] and even if the baby is not in their custody, the fact she don't have custody means they can step in and arrange it .

Tanya - posted on 05/04/2010

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For starters you can't force her to allow the children to be there. Accept it for what it is a way to stop the wedding and move on with your plans with or without the children. Second, you mentioned 2 of the children are in foster care which doesn't make sense to me, why aren't they placed with their father in the first place? The bottom line is their mother is trying to cause problems because she is still angry with her ex don't let her ruin what is suppose to be one of the best days of your life.

[deleted account]

It sounds like she is trying to make sure you don't get married...and that she's trying to give you a guilt trip about getting married without the kids there. I would go ahead with the wedding. I know that it would be great to have the kids there...but if someone is keeping them from being there...you can't put your life oh hold. I hope everything works out for you hun & best of luck. Congratulations on getting married.

Anitta - posted on 05/03/2010

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sounds to me like she is doing everything in her power to ruin your special day. go ahead with your marriage. if the kids arent there have a little party for them the next time you have them for a visit. she sounds jealous that you and your husband are makikng a happy start and just wants to be the party pooper. this is the day you and your future husband vow to stay together for the rest of your lives and dont let her get in the way of it.

Chris - posted on 05/03/2010

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No, your happiness is the first thing, All you can do is ask for them to be there, if she won't you could go to court to get visitation and then they would be there, maybe not for the whole time,but at least for the ceremony itself. I don't know where you live, but it could be accomplished by then. If you can't just be happy with the two of you and your other family & friends, but keep the children in your prayers and thoughts during the ceremony. I Pray everything will work out for the best of everyone

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