At my wits end!!!

Leslie - posted on 10/11/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Okay this may be long but I am goin to try my best to keep it short. My hubby and I have been together for 9 and half years, We had only been dating for about 2 weeks when his daughter came to live with him, not long after that we moved in together. I had 3 kids of my own, and had been a single happy mother for over a year. I had no problem with her staying with us at all. At first the little things she did didn't bother me, but it got to the point that my hubby wanted to get onto my kids for something but when she did he always seemed not to notice. I was the type of person that she was not mine so I did not have any place to really get onto her the way I do my own. After a few months of this I started treating her the same way no excuses. That was fine. Her mom comes and goes out of her life, and up and moved off to Detriot with no good byes, nothing. We did not hear form her and I took on the role of her full time mama. I did everything for her as I did my own then 3 years later her mama pops back in and the next thing I know my hubby is takin the daughter to go spend the weekend with her "mama" did not even talk to me bout it nothing. I was mad but what ever... So as time has went on I am stuck always cleaning up her mamas messes. She is now 14 and this is where my problems come in.... She is real boy crazy... I understand that she is 14 and that just so happens to come with her age thats fine I have no problem with that. Its the way she carries herself around them. Her clothes have to be so skin tight like her pants are sprayed painted on her she will not wear a t- shirt unless its tight, She has a cute lil figured and does not look 14 she looks more 16 or even 17. I DO NOT but her clothes the way she likes them, I dont buy them baggy and 2 sizes to big either I dont mind her wearing clothes that fit but do they always have to show everything off?! I have tried talking to her but with no luck. I was just like her at 14 and had my first child at 15, I do not want his for her. I let her have a myspace but I moniter everything on it. I do not trust her for anything. She has lied to me so many times that its not even funny. Over the summer I let her spend the night with the girl rite next door, it was 9 at nite but its rite next door, come to find out she went to the movies with the girls bf and his dad!! I did not even know she went and not to mention I did not even Know the bf or his dad!! When I addressed it with her her dad never spoke up and said anything! I will not allow her to wear short shorts, the one that they seem to only make and how she ends up with them is beyond me! Her dad never seems to notice, her nana is buying the tight clothes and I am at the point to where I should just shut up. I am tired of always being the bad guy, and sick of her attitude. We wnt on a cruise this summer and I bought her a new bathing suit, its a one piece and it looks very cute on her. Of course she hates it, she went to her moms and came back with a string bikini!! Her dad did get upset on that one just b/c I pointed it out. We just found out she is type 1 diabetice, and now I am the bad guy cuz I am on her all the time to check her sugar, no you can not have this cuz its 500 and I get her huffin and puffin and rollin her eyes. She has told all my friends that i yell at her all the time and how she wishes she had a relationship with me like my 13 year old son. Yes me and my son have a great realationship, he tells me everything, however... he has never lied to me he has never snuck behind my back he listens to me. I so not always yell at her yes I am on her for her clothes and the way she acts around boys, even my 13 yo son is on her bout the way she acts round boys. She does not listen. She has to check her sugar before every meal and she "forgets" to she forgets to take the right amount of insulin. I am sick of everyone on my hubby side catering to her and fellin sorry for her. Yes seh has had a tuff life but she has been with me for almost 10 years now so she does not have a excuse. Yes she has a dead beat mom but my kids have a dead beat dad but oh well!! I do not know what to do any longer, should I still stay on her about the way she dresses and acts even if I do not get any back up from her dad or should I just be like 4 get it do whatever. If she comes up knocked up sit back and tell everybody told you so..... I am at my wits end!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

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I think u should ignore her behaviour, yes i know it sounds bad but maybe she is just doing this to aggrevate u because she knows u will flip out. Plan a day out for urself and ur sons when u know ur husband will be home so that he can see her in the same light u do. Or plan something for her that her dad has to bring her to (concert/show) maybe this is ott, but he might just think to himself when he sees other teens who dress normal, and realise she is wrong. If not, talk to her alone, somewhere out of the home, maybe a hair/nail salon, this neutral territory should give u the opportunity to talk to her, explain that u dont want her inviting the wrong boy/man by wearing skimpy clothing, and ensure that she knows u love her, she is probably acting out because of her birthmothers behavior over the years and she must feel confused. If u become friends, maybe she will tone down the clothing and behavior, ask her what she wants from you, maybe three or four hours shopping time together once evry 1 or2 weeks to keep her sweet on your side, because ive a feeling her bmom will abandon her again and again, i hope this is helpful

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16 Comments

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Danielle - posted on 10/27/2009

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I feel for you sweetie. We just adopted our 14y/o niece last year who has had one hell of a life. She has had 5 different stepdad's one of which sexually abused her, been to 14 schools, and is so boy crazy it is driving me nuts. She is also very immature and I am actually thinking of putting her on birth control once she starts her periods. My hubby is worried that doing that is like giving her perrmission to have sex but I told him she will do it if she wants to weather wee approve or not, i know i did when I was a teen, and i don't wan tto be raising grandbabies anytime soon. Her mom is also in and out of herr life and encourages everything we ban. We are strict about our kids interrnet access and her mom lets her get on whatever sites she wants too bad or not. She also lets her talk to men on the net and text guys. So we put our foot down and now if she wants to see her mom it is at our house or at her grandmas with no internet connections. When her aunt bought her shorty shorts I made her give them back. When her aunt asked why i told her straight out i don't want to raise grandbabies so unless YOU are willing to take herr in when she gets knocked up after dressing like a hooker take the shorts back and don't bye any more like them. We haven't had any problems on clothes selection since then. Good luck honey I know how it feels. i am the evil meanie in our house too. But stand your ground it is worth it in the end.

Leslie - posted on 10/26/2009

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Oh I know I have told all my kids thats fine hate me get mad at me pray to the Good Lord to turn you 18 2mrw, thats fine cuz the more you hate me right now just means I am doin a awesome job. Which also means you will have a bigger thanks for me when you get older and have your own kids.

Gene & Erin - posted on 10/26/2009

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Good for you! You go Mama! One day (not anytime soon) she'll tell you how right you were. Just grin!

Leslie - posted on 10/26/2009

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Yea it has gotten easier. I really think finding out she is a diabetic has really helped her. Oh yes I have told her my stories have cried about all the things I missed out on!! She cheers for the middle school and I express how important it is to keep focused on the things in life she loves, b/c makeing the wrong choice can ruin that!! And I preach this to my son also. And I have told them both I do not regret my son by no means, I regret the timing!! Me and her have been really talking about alot of things and I think we are breaking thru. Just like I told her we can sit down and talk she does not have to sneak around b/c she is scared that I will get upset with what she is going to say I will would much rather her come to me from the get go then sneaking behind my back and then me finding out later. And that sometimes you have to push your fears aside to get on the right track. We have talked bout her "mama" and I think she is seeing what she is worth to her. And I am glad, I am so sick of that so called woman making a bunch of unbroken promises to her. I talked to hubbby, and told him I was putting my foot down!! No longer will I stand back and wait for him to take action or say anything to his family or anyone for that matter!! I am taking full charge and if I piss his family off then so be. He agrees with me and he even sat down and talked to her. I told him I have been her mama for the past 9 years damn what him, her "mama" or his family has to say about it. If they dont like it oh well they can never talk to me again or just get over it and come to see that this is my family not thiers!!!

Gene & Erin - posted on 10/26/2009

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Oh honey! If the kid thinks you are the enemy then you are still doing a good job! Hahaha! I TOTALLY agree with Di Kennedy above - on everything she said. As for counselors, there are a few who "get it", maybe you could find a couple who have been there (maybe through a church) to sit down and be mediators.



I would also say that you need to continue the heart-to-heart talks with this young "lady" - I find that its so much easier to have those talks with my bio-daughter but hard with my step-daughter, but then my step rarely talks (yet).

Tell her your story. Tell her what you went through. Tell her why you want her to dress modestly (do you model this?) Tell her how to "catch" a really good guy by being a "good" girl. Then help her find different friends to hang out with - even if it means changing school/church/whatever. Tell her the horrors of doing the wrong thing and that you want her to finish growing up into an amazing young woman.



You also need to have a date with your husband and do a little prioritizing with him. BUT no matter what he (or "mama" or grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) does you are in this girls life for a reason and only for a season before they leave the nest - don't give in and don't give up!



As for the clothes - give them back, trash them, burn them. She is only 14 (of course this will be a battle - but a worthy one). You are still the adult.



Your doing great. Remember her feelings too and let her vent on you - just don't take it so personnally. Then you come vent here or find that mentor mom for yourself.

You can do this (you already are).

Nichole - posted on 10/26/2009

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Hi hun,



Im a young mom, and I can see that you are having some major issues, maybe you are the bad guy, but its only at this point in her life, when she gets older, she will see that you only did and said and stayed on her b/c you care, right now she doesnt see and no one else will either, you keep at in a diplomatic form and you will get threw it. In the end, whether you let it go or stand your ground you will be the bad guy with his family! So, if you care continue, then you can always say you tried! There is no hurt in caring especially when it looks like no one else does! Good luck and keep you chin high! You are doing a great job and teen girls arent easy todaym the Tv and all that crap doesnt help!

Leslie - posted on 10/20/2009

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You both are right, her mom has really messed her up!! I wish I could beat her ass cuz Jas is like my own and I hate what her mother has done to her. I may be wrong, but I do not allow her mother to do what ever. As matter of fact we just got into the other night b/c she has been promising Jasmine all this stuff and never comes through, so I told her from this point on one more broken promise and she will have to take us back to court b/c we will not let her talk or see Jas. I have seen in the past Jas is GREAT when her mom is not around to mess with her head!! She told me I had no right to threaten her, and I told her maybe not but being the one that has been her mama 24/7/365/ for the past 9 years gives me every right to make a promise I know I can keep. Just like I told her mama I run this not her daddy or her bio mama. I know alot of her doin is teenage years and alot I am cool with. Jasmine is a great kid and I love her to death. I am so proud of her b/c she has came a long way. We just talked about that tonight. They had 8th grader night at the football game and I got to escort her and my son onto the field. I wanted to cry... and this is just 8th grader night. I told Jasmine I know deep down that she wishes her mom would have been the one to do it and I am sorry that she could not step up and be what she wants and needs her to be, but till the day I die I will always be here for her. Just like I told Jasmine, like any good coach that sees a good player they will ride that player to make them better. Me I see so much in Jasmine, everything she could be and that is why I am on her. I dont want her to have to give up all her dreams and desires for a mistake she can not take back. I love my son would not trade him for the world, but I would give ANYHTING to take it back and wait. We had a long talk yesterday after her dr appointment, and sometimes I think she sees what I am trying to do. Just like I told her I know what it feels like not to feel loved, and I do not ever want her to think I dont love her. I even told her that if me and her father was to ever split, I am taking ALL the kids and that means her. HANDS DOWN, she is mine not by giving birth to her but taking care of her. I really think that with her now being a diabetic she sees that life is a gift that we need to take care of everyday. I agree that the counslin is usless unless you get someone good. My oldest son had a TON of anger problems and when I talked to someone bout it they wanted to put him on meds. For what?? I just wanted suggestions on how he could handle it... we worked on it and with everything that went on with his dad I think we have worked it out. So I know thats what Jasmine is goin to have to so. Just like I told her, she is never going to be thankfull to me till she is older or even have kids of her own. Thanks everyone for your good advice. I did talk to my hubby the other night and he called his family abd talked to them also. He did tell them that we not just me do not agree with her clothes. It is fine if she wants to wear the latest trend... but over tight is not cutting it and if the want to countie to waste thier money that would be on them cuz she will not be allowed to wear them. I think this also came around when some grown men where staring her down. Lets face it kids do not look they age anymore. I am glad things are turning around, and I know no matter how upset I get I will never give up on any of them. Truth be told they are life and when they are not around running me wild I am lost. I think I just needed to vent and I do think you for letting me do that.

Di - posted on 10/19/2009

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Hi Leslie. You sound like any other mother that I have met whose child has hit the teenage years and is going off the rails a bit. How loving of you to treat her no different. Its really hard for you and it sounds like you need someone to pat you on the back and say 'keep going'. You wont ever get any thanks from a teenager for caring enough about them to want to stop them from doing themselves harm. If one of your bio children was doing what she was, no matter how much it hurt to do so you would still ride them, even if you weren't liked.



As to your in-laws, what will you be able to do if they choose to do the same with your bio daughter? How would you stop them? If you talked to them and they still continued to buy her clothes, what then? My only advice is to hand the clothes back to them and say, well when she is with you, she can wear them, but I wont allow this type of clothing in my home. Just be calm about it, and if you cant, then post them back with a note attached saying as much. Its something positive you can do without hubby feeling pulled apart.



A person who is manipulative, especially children, are usually from a neglected background. Your sd is definately from that. It's almost like a bottomless pit of need to fill the emptiness that is inside her. It sounds as if from what you have written that every other person who lives in the house is directly related to you. But she isn't, she is a step relation to you. I don't know how you deal with this, except with good counselling, although I am reluctant to recommend this, as there are very few counsellors who understand the whole concept of blended families really well. That isn't putting down counsellors, it's just my opinion and experience.



Keep up the good work girl. You are a special person who may be the only person who is strong enough to show this girl what real love is. I never appreciated my own mother's tough love until I had kids of my own, but now I thank God that she loved me enough to stand strong, when everyone else didn't.



Good luck, and I am here for you if you need someone.

Leslie - posted on 10/19/2009

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Thsi is bout the only thing we disagree on, alot of times when it somes to the kids if we are not seeing eye to eye we sit down and discuss it not infornt of the kids. We know that if we do that they will then try to work against us. She is very good at manipulating she has been doin it since she was 6 no lie. She had me ready to beat the hell out of her real mom, but then we found out what all she had told her mom bout us... I think the problem really lies with her dad. Dont get me worng we are close I dont always ride her ass. I had my son at the age of 15, even though she is not mine, she is a spitting imangie of me at her age to a point. I was the one looking for love from the guys. I have sat her down and we have had some very heart to heart talks. My husband works 3rd shift ( well 8:45 to 7:00) so he is not really ever around. It just seems that no matter what I say or do it goes in one ear and out the other. I do understand that most of it is her age and I am fine with that. Everytime I say something about his family he just says thats is how they are. Its like she knows how to use them to her advanatage. She told my friend one time that all I ever done was screamed and yelled at her, my friend called he ron it b/c she knows that is not how I am. When she asked me infront of her, my step daughters mouth dropped, cause she knows she was not telling the truth. I treat all 5 kids the same, I tell them that I am proud of them for.... and I give each one a hug and kiss goodnight, tell them I love them every day when they get up, before they get out the car to go to school, when Ipick them up and before I go to bed. I will sneak in hugs and kisses through out the day b/c I believe that is what is worng with alot of kids thier parents dont show them that enough. Even though my 2 teen agers hate it I still do it. But I do get onto them about things that I do not agree with. My boys know if they sagg the will eat thier underwear by the time I get done pulling them back up, lol. So they don't. My middle daughter is on the heavy set side and ties to we my step daughters clothes, no that is to little for you so now she knows I will not let her out the house so she dont even try. So I never point any one child out to be the "bad kid" cause I know that sticks with a child for ever. I had it done to me and for the longest I thought no matter what I done it was never right or good enough. I think she does have a problem on some level but at the same time she has been with me for 10 years and I dont feel she should be treated any different than the others. Truth be told they all have problems, my oldest son never met his father untill he was 10 it only took him 2 months to see him for what he is, my 2 middle children dad could care less. And they know this, they may go see him on Christmas Eve other than that never. So should I feel soory for her when I dont mine own? I dont sorry, I think there are somethings she is going to have to face and one being her mother. Until she sees what her mother is really about then I really dont think she is goin to be any better. As far as my hubbys fam, I feel he needs to say soemthing to them, not just me. SO in the mean time I will still treat her like my own nothing is ever goin to change that. I know this is a problem that me and my hubby needs to work on also. Truth be told the road to the future is always bumpy but its real rough when you blend a family. Thanks for eveyone input. I always tell myself that I am not going to say anything... but the mama in me comes out and I do anyways.

Dyanne - posted on 10/19/2009

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Sorry you are having such a hard time. Have you thought of doing family counseling!!! Doesn't sound like you and your husband where ever on the same page about how to blend your family together and how o discipline them..she needed you to be her mom when she was 4 and when it would have been easier. Also have you thought about having a family meeting with her relatives and coming up with a game plan together. When everyone is on the same page she will have to stop manipulating everyone. Start off with her health and move on to clothes and other things. Girls are boy crazy at this age..but she is looking for love, attention, acceptance in all the wrong places and she doesn't get the consequences. Stop thinking about how all of this is effecting you and really think about all the crap this girl is dealing with..she has a broken heart and she wants to be close to you..if you do counseling make it family counseling and not just all about her..sometimes it is easy to pick one kid out to be the 'bad kid' and if that is what she is hearing then that is what she will live up to.

Courtney Faith - posted on 10/18/2009

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I would be at my wits end too. I would say it is just a phase but at that age just a phase can be a bad thing. Let me know if she improves. I commend you for tolerating it so well.

Leslie - posted on 10/17/2009

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I have done that, but his family keeps buying them for her! And what really makes me mad is he will not say anyhting to them!! I feel like I am in a no win sitiuation. I am now at the point whatever, wear what you want, all I know is I have 2 girls that are mine and I will controll what they wear and if his family wants to buy them things that I dont like I will give them back to them!! They baby my step daughter b/c her mama is a no good for nothing piece of dirt... My 3 kids father left them hanging out to dry too but my family dont baby them, and my step feeds into it. She knows how to get them and I am just fed up with it. Atleaset when the daughter we have together gets older I can say whatever I want b/c she is mine hands down. If he wont step up and be the daddy then I will!!! Its just with my step daughter they do not respect me by buying her the things they do. Her aunt bought her a shrit that said " I am not a tease, you are just lookin at what you can't have" WTF!!!!!!! She is 14!!! And when I said something to my sis in law it seemed to fuel the fire and she took her shopping for her birthday and the things she bought her are so skin tight like she did it on purpose. The clothes that I bought her for her b-day she ahs not worn the 1st time, and this was back in August. My mom bought her a ton of new clothes one year and she NEVER wore them. My mom refuses to buy her clothes now. To my mom that is very disrespectfull. My step daughter claimed it was b/c they were "dressy" My mom bought them b/c she was on the basketball team and at school if they played a away game they were suppose to dress causual. But his mom gave her a 3 piece suit ( I am not playing!! It looked like my she was a CEO of a company) and she wears the mess out of it. So my hubby is thinking we should just give the 2 older ones money for Christmas and take them shoppin so they can pick out their own stuff, I told him that was fine with me but I would take my son and he could take his daughter cuz I do not agree with her clothes and he dont seem to have a problem with them. If I was to take her then she would not get nothing cuz I would not let her buy it.

[deleted account]

when i was her age, i did the same thing. i wanted to wear all the right fitting clothes so the boys would notice me. My mom took everything out of my closet and drawers and put back only what she felt was appropriate for a girl my age to wear. she cut up the rest of it and threw them away. after that she struck and agreement with me. if i wanted to wear inappropriate clothing then i had to buy it with my own money that i got from working a realy job. otherwise if she was going to buy the clothes then she had to approve it first. I'm 26 now and going through things like this with my 7 yr old who's mom is about 200+lbs and wears clothes that look like could fit her daughter. her mom only sees her twice a month and each time i have to wrestle out mini skirts and mid-drift shirts. hang in there, i put my mom threw hell till she made that deal with me. once i finally got a job i realized all the great things i could buy other then skimpy clothes! good luck!

Leslie - posted on 10/11/2009

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Ya know I always tell myself I am not going to say anything and always end up do. I do not hate my step daughter I love her to death. It just makes me so mad cuz my hubby will say I let my son get away with everything and I ride her butt. And Just like I told him, no my son has never given me a reason to ride his butt, not sayin that he won't he is a teenager, but she has lied to me over and over, I do not agree with putting yourself out there all the time. Just like I tell him I was the same way and look where it got me a kid at 15. I do not want any of my daughters goin through that but at the same time I need you to be her father and step in. I have 2 other daughters that are mine and I just told my sister today I am so glad they are mine cuz I can do what ever I want to with them and no body can say anything!!! She got mad at me yesterday cuz I would not take her to my daughters game. Nobody went with me but Kiara the one that cheered. Come to find out Jasmine, my step had a boy meeting her there. I know kids are goin to be kids that is fine and I know they are goin to have boyfriends, girlfirends thats fine, but its to the point where I dont believe nothing she tells me!! She was mad at me this summer because I grounded her, she lied to me 4 times in the mater of 2 hours over dumb stuff!! Then come to find out she had been smoke weed at her friends house, the same friend that I caught trying to sneak out. Every time she messes up I wait awahile and then give her the chance to earn it back and everytime she messes up 10 times worse!! So she told my son she wanted to go live with her real mom. She even wrote me a letter using my name. She has called me ma for 10 years now! I sat her down and told her I understood her being upset with me, I am the emeny I know nothing she knows everything, I am cool with that. And that she prob. does want to go live with her real mom, her real mom only has 1 other child, she lets Jas do whatever whenever, she really dont care what JAs does or when. And I know she wants that mother daughter realationship that she does not have. But it did hurt me b/c for the past 10 years I have been the one doing everything for her. Her mom promised her a Ipod 3 Christmases ago and she never got it, she never takes JAsmine on vavactions nothing, and I am the one that makes sure "Santa" never misses this house, her birthday never goes un noticed, she plays whatever sport she wants. I just paid over 400 dollars for her to cheer her mom was suppose to pay half and never did, not to metnion I paid for her to go on a cruise at 14!! Its her mom that has up and left not once not twice, not three times, more than we can count. But that was fine I will be the enemy, and she could hate me tillshe turned 18. Her mama was not taking the role she needs to take to guide her in the right dircetion so somebody needs to and so be it that would be me but here lately I feel like I am fighting a never ending battle. Mainly b/c my husband just stands back and dont say much of anything. We are seeing eye to eye on the clothes but he will not stand up to his family the ones that are buying her the clothes they know I dont like b/c I have told them. Its like now they buy them to piss me off. I guess in all reality I am mad at him for not standing up and taking my side when he knows I am right. Thanks I guess I just needed to vent.

Elmary - posted on 10/11/2009

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I here you about always being the bad guy I am the one to punish my husbands son(just turned 9). I believe that you are doing a fine job of getting after her. teenagers are like this I remember being a teenager and not wanting to listen but she will thank you for it when she is older. Kids need to be put in check and if you give up then you will have wasted almost 10 years. I know that it is hard when everyone is trying to tell you that your the bad guy. I have heard that I am mean to my step son every time I turn around my husband knows that I'm not but it ticks me off when he doesn't put his sons mom in her place when she complains about me. Stick with it, it will pay off in the long run.

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