Blended family CRISIS

April - posted on 08/14/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My fiance, Tom and I have a mixed family of 4 children all together. His sons have the same mother and she had no problem with signing over Isaac (6 yrs) when Ashton (almost 4 yrs) was born, asking Tom to sign an agreement that basically split the boys up... She got to keep her new baby to herself and Tom could "have" Isaac. OBVIOUSLY, my fiance, being of sound mind, would never sign over his child and we've fought so hard to get him every other weekend (while we have Isaac for the school year and she gets HIM every other weekend) She did not argue when it came time to enroll Isaac and it's been so hard for me to watch these little boys constantly be separated...... Now it's time to enroll Ashton in preschool, and Isaac in 1st grade and we have the upper hand. BUT Ashton is so close to his mother, Isaac, Tom and I are just as close... I can't keep them away from each other any longer, court is coming up and we've already been guaranteed 50/50, the judge wants the boys together as well. UGH so my question is..... should we keep the boys with us for the school year and possibly negatively affect Ashton? Or let her have her sons for the school year and negatively affect Isaac and his 2 little sisters??? This just breaks my heart.

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Judy - posted on 08/16/2010

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If you live close why not like sheryl said do an every other week thing. I sounds like you and hubby aren't fighting with the ex...just trying to work it out. Aside from that who stands the largest amount to loose? The girls would if they loose their "full-time" brother and their "half-time" brother too. Ashton would adjust especially if he has a close relationship with your family. It might work better for everyone if it is poosible to shared throughout the school year and summers. So that each family gets to enjoy summer vacation and holidays. Judges love it when parents can sit down together and work out a schedule that fits for both sets of parents. If the judge sets down a schedule you will be back in court to smooth out issues many times before it works the way you want.

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Carla - posted on 09/05/2010

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What a tough spot! This sounds like King Solomon in the Bible when both women were fighting over a child, so the king called for the child to be cut in two and half given to each women. The 'real' mother cried 'no, give him to her', not wanting her baby hurt. The king said 'give the baby to this woman (the mother), she showed the true love, and would rather not see him than to have him hurt.

How do you choose? Whatever you do, someone's gonna get hurt. So, my suggestion is to write down the pros and cons on a sheet of paper and objectively look at the situation. The childrens' needs are top priority now, so which is the best for all the children? Be as objective as you can, then act.

God bless, honey, I pray for wisdom for you in this terrible predicament.

Dawn - posted on 09/03/2010

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I have been a teacher who has witnessed 50/50 splits where the child is with mom Sun am- Wed morn. and dad Wed pm to Sun am. But the children should definitely be together.

Kaci - posted on 08/31/2010

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like most said have the kids visit the other parent ever other week but make it opposite for each of them. dont go all the way to her house make a half way point to meet at

Allyssa - posted on 08/31/2010

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I am going through something similar. I have learned to just stand back but voice what you know will be in the best interest of the children and let them decide. I don't believe in a judge coming into family situations unless the parent is completely unfit to handle a situation.

The problem that we face is that when these kids grow up, will they look at me (step mom) and say she took my dad? that's why i stepped back and told my guy to just deal with them and the situation because on my end there is no one tryig to get my son, his father is just not interested. I am all for keeping moms and kids together, however when you have more than one and mainly 2 the other that isn't with mom or dad starts to ask well why and then that is a can of worms that no one wants to even open. I encourage you to continue to get advice from those that have been through this experience, it's hard to care and step back and look at what's going on, trust that is what I am going through. I hope that you guys figure it out and that the kids stay happy. email me if you need a shoulder

Kim - posted on 08/25/2010

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i know what your going through hon between my husband and i we have 9 children their all grown up now now but when they were younger it was tough cuz my husband has 1 biological daughter who has 4 half sisters that my husband and i helped raise too plus i have 4 of my own so our weekends became very interesting not wanting to separate holly and her 4 sisters but after sitting down and discussing what was best for the children with the other set of parents we agreed on an every other weekend swap they got holly and the following weekend we had her and her sisters and my kids so 9 kids every other weekend lol but we managed to make it through it got tough at times but for the kids we made it work good luck to you hon i`m sure things will work out fine

Martha (Marty) - posted on 08/25/2010

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I've experienced many sides of your situation. My husband and I were both divorced parents with sons when we were married in 1977; my oldest son married a divorcee with a son, and they've since had a daughter together; I'm an elementary school teacher with 27 years of classroom experience, and have seen every possible version of a blended family.

I feel that unless one of the people involved is unfit, neglectful or abusive, your best bet is to let the two parents work it out.

Any family change (good or bad), is tough for young children. They don't have the capacity to understand or process what's happened or why. If a child is secure in his present environment, and especially if he;s positive and/or happy, I wouldn't mess with it. It's normal to him, whether or not it actually is. It's all he knows; it's HIS normal.

My advice would be to spend as much family time together as you can, under the guidelines signed by the parents. Every child could use another loving, caring adult in life, which could be you! Be encouraging and supportive, but stay out of the frey! You will be most appreciated if you don't add to the problem!

Ellen - posted on 08/20/2010

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I think you should stay out of it as much as possible and let the boys father and mother decide.

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I think you should leave the son with his mother, he needs her more than a sibling would need a sibling. He's already lived with her for 4 years now? That would devastate him. Then just ask for every other weekend Isaac goes with her along with Aston to her home and vice versa for your family so that the boys would be together every weekend. If the father wanted more of a say he shouldn't have made the agreement when the baby was born. A very tough one!

Sheryl - posted on 08/16/2010

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if your close enough why dont u do a weekly thing then they can be at both places as much as possible.

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