blended family that needs help

Alison - posted on 10/06/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Hi Everyone.
I was a single mom for two years. I gave everything up and moved across country to get married to my husband who is in the military and has a daughter. They are both three and both girls. It works out pretty well but i have problems with resentment. I miss being a single mom and having that close relationship with my daughter. I feel like everything has to be fair between both girls and it's hard when one i gave birth too oneand the other i feel like I have to take care of her and be her mom. There are times when my husbands leaves for long periods of time and I get mad that I have to deal with her. She has lots of issues. I know she is just 3 and that I should love her, but I seriously feel repulsed when I have to. I HATE feeling this way and it affects our marriage. Has anyone gone through this? We are doing couseling but she just put me on antidepressants. I took them for maybe 3 months and stopped cause it wasn't helping and I don't want to be on them. Can anyone help me?!!!

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Elmary - posted on 10/11/2009

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I agree there has to be more to it. I just can't fathom feeling this way towards a child. Of course she shouldn't be treated as if she doesn't do anything wrong. I believe that if they are in your care you have a right to punish them the same as you do your own. I have explained to my husband many times that he can not treat his son better then he does our sons ie. given him everything he wants just because he turns on the water works or not punish him for something they are both doing together. She needs to work on her issues first (as in why she feels this way about the little one)and then work on a relationship with her step. I dont really understand the rubbing you wrong way because they do not act the same. they come from completely different backgrounds so that could be one reason. No two kids are the same. My son and my husbands son are as opposites as night and day.

Leslie - posted on 10/11/2009

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Yes I agree they do need to be treated the same way. I know when my step came and lived with us she was smarter and had seen more than your average 4 year old. It would blow your mind. Thats why I said her past could have alot to do with it. I think the problem also is she has been a single mother for years and now she has a husband and another child. Yes a child can read into how you feel, but there has got to be a reason for her to feel the way she feels about this child. You normally dont just meet a child and feel that away. When you have a child the same age as your own and they act totally different, it rubs u the wrong way. It is not the childs fault, but I think there is more to it than what we are reading. I know my step daughter was 4 and so was my son and I used to get so mad b/c she got away with everything and my son would do what she did and get introuble. So maybe its a problem that she and hubby needs to work on

Elmary - posted on 10/11/2009

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Yes, but if your going to punish them the same then you need to treat them the same. So being repulsed by a 3 year old........ someone has issues that need to be worked on. they can read your body language and know when someone doesn't care for them or resents them.

Leslie - posted on 10/11/2009

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Quoting user:

I AM going through this. I got married in June and my husband has a child from his past who has no contact with his mother at all. He is 7 and because of the things his mom put him through, he has LOTS of issues. I am trying so hard to be fair with him, but the kid lies and is very selfish. I feel angry and annoyed when I have to take him places. I feel like he dislikes me and is hateful to my kids. I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell you that you are not alone. I just hope and pray that he and I will learn to get along with time.



I have to say you are prob. right. The child's past can have alot  to do with why she acts the way she does. When my hubby got custody of my step daughter she was 4  she is 14 now. And niether her mom or dad every provided her with a the stable enviroment that a child should have. Don't get me wrong I love my hubby but he was not cut out to be a dad when she was born. I know for a fact that the child has lived in more places with more ppl than all 4 of mine put together. Me and my hubby had only been datin 2 weeks when she taold me " You can be my new mama" my hubby thought "Oh she is really smart" and I was more like no that is very sad. You take my kids who just knew of him by name and nothing more, had never had another man other than thier dad around. So when she first came to live with us it was hard, to me she got a way with everything, my son ( who was the same age, they are a year apart but her bday is in aus. and his is in May) hated her!! He told me that he felt like she got away with everything when he would get introuble. Then his family wanted to act like her a** was made of gold just b/c her mama left her. Well ya know that may be tue but my kids father left them so should i baby my kids and feel sorry for them, No its a mean cruel world and nobody is gonna baby you when life gets you down. So at first I did not say alot, until years went by (esp. now that I ahve been takin care of her for 10 years) then I started speakin up. She would not get treated any different from my kids b/c she is not. She is not made out of gold and everybody needed to stop treating her like she is. It is only normal for you to feel the way you feel sometimes. I love my step daughter dearly and would kil for her just like I would my own, however there are times that I wish she did live with her mom cuz that would be one less kid I have to worry bout. Do not beat yourself up about it and dont go off and divorce your hubby. Its alot to take on.  You need to take your time and warm up to the child, but on the same note if you are goin to be raising her like your own then she needs to understand that the same rules and consquinces that your own child has to fallow she will to. And your hubby needs to reliase that also. There is no need to treat the others different. I only wonder if there is more to the problem than you may be willing to tell at this point. I know when my step daughter first came to live with us she got under my skin so bad b/c whenever we had company over she was right there in thier face, or if my hubby and me would be talkin she would sit back and listen and then chime in like she was grown, she would fallow me around while I was on the phone then go to her Nana's house and tell everything we done. My children did not do that b/c I never allowed them to. I didnt say anything to her at first but then it got to the point that my hubby was not sayin anything to her, my own kids starting doin it and I would ge ton to them about it, so I finally said ya know if he is not willing to correct her then I will. She is living with me I am doin everything like I am her real mom, goin to school meetings, takein her to the dr. everything so I started treatin her like she was my own and it took me a few years but she did get straighten out. Now that she is 14... we are in a real knock out drag out batle everyday!!! I wish I could tell you it gets eaiser but ya know rite now i dnt know. I wish you the best and try talkin with your hubby about all this. I know there is a way to work it all out you just have to find it. Godd luck

Elmary - posted on 10/11/2009

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I have to say when I read your question I was a little hurt. I have two boys one is 9 the other is 6 1/2 months. My husband to make a long story short made mistakes when we were young and fathered a child who just turned 9 a few days ago. I was the one that told him he needed to have a relationship with him and that we all needed to. We dont see him much now because we moved out of the country but I helped raise him since he was a little over 1 years of age and I can't even picture life without him. My 9 year old son and my husbands son are the best of friends.
Sometimes I resent that his mom does not tell me things that are going on with him and wish that we did not have to deal with her, but that is just wishful thinking. Plus I hate when he talks about his mom because I could give a rats a** about her but obviously he cares for his mom and wants to talk about her so I listen. I must also say that I agree with Melony about treating them the same. It's not the little girls fault. If you are not able to give her love and attention then you should not be in the relationship. Sorry, and i hope things workout for you and your family.

Gia - posted on 10/11/2009

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I think having some resentment is normal for any step parent. I have 2 biological (8 months and 3ys) and 2 step (13 and 14), and while the two steps are wonderful (which makes it easy to do things for them), sometimes I wish I didn't have to go to that PTA meeting alone (again) instead of spending time playing with my babies. My husband is a bartender and their mom only sees them on weekends, so I'm it for the older ones in terms of taking care of school stuff/evening routine. It's very rewarding and draining at the same time!
It sounds like she is being responsible with counseling, and as long as she's seeking help from a professional it should be fine for her to decide not to do the medication. If she were at a point of danger, I'd think the therapist should be able to see the flags in her sessions..

Melony - posted on 10/10/2009

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Alison, to be honest it sounds like you are not ready to be in this relationship, especially if you are feeling all this resentment. This precious child is only 3, and she did not chose to be put into this mess. I can not believe you took yourself off the anitdepressants. Why would you do that? If they are not working then it is not the right prescription and you need to work with your doctor to find the right one. You need to put on you mommy pants and do the right thing for those kids. Get yourself on meds to start off with, and keep at it till you find the one that works. Next you need to focus on mending relationships. You should make one on one time with your daughter and with your step-daughter, this is very important. And yes things do need to be fair between the two girls, why wouldn't they be. Once you married this childs father you became her caretaker and stepped into the mommy role. You should have thought this through before getting married, because it does not sound like you want that role, then again it may be that the situation is causing too much stress for you and causing you to go into a depression, which is why you need to help yourself before you can start mending the family. You are the only one who can do this.

Alison - posted on 10/10/2009

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Yeah we have just started counseling. Well, mostly just me, but we now just started with the whole family. Thank you everyone for replying!

Michelle - posted on 10/10/2009

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it sounds like dads away a far bit and mum isnt in the picture so if she has been shipped around to rellys then she may be expecting you to dissapear to which could explain behavour. have you thought about family couseling because they can teach you differant ways to deal with whats going on

Felicity - posted on 10/08/2009

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I AM going through this. I got married in June and my husband has a child from his past who has no contact with his mother at all. He is 7 and because of the things his mom put him through, he has LOTS of issues. I am trying so hard to be fair with him, but the kid lies and is very selfish. I feel angry and annoyed when I have to take him places. I feel like he dislikes me and is hateful to my kids. I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell you that you are not alone. I just hope and pray that he and I will learn to get along with time.

CHRISTINE - posted on 10/06/2009

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IT'S HARD JUST STARTING A MARRIGE, ON TOP OF WITH KIDS, AND MOVING PLUS HE'S GONE AT TIMES...GIRL GIVE URSELF A BREAK. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HER MOM IS AND THE STORY BUT WHAT I CAN SAY IS THIS: YES THINGS DO NEED TO BE FAIR TO A POINT. BUT AT THE SAME TIME U NEED TO GIVE THEM BOTH ONE ON ONE TIME. SO IF YOU DO A MOMMIE AND DAUGHTER DATE FOR BOTH UR NOT STEPPING ON TOES AND STILL BEING FAIR BUT GETTING ONE ON ONE WITH UR DAUGHTER.... SO GET A SITTER AND AND TAKE A TRIP TO THE ZOO OR WHATEVER AND TAKE UR DAUGHTER FOR THAT DAY A UR TWO SPECIAL DAY...THEN PICK ANOTHER DAY AND SPEND A SPECIAL DAY WITH HIS WHILE UR DAUGHTER IS WITH A SITTER. THIS WILL ALSO HELP U MAYBE BOND BETTER WITH HIS BY HAVING A GIRLY DAY WITH THE 2 OF U AND U ALSO GET THE ONE ON ONE WITH UR DAUGHTER...GOOD LUCK AND I HOPE IT HELPS

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