Childhood Abandonment by choice??

Carol - posted on 12/11/2012

My SD BM lives in another state. She went a whole year without calling or sending anything. But from the second she finally called, all was forgiven. It's like nothing had happened. My SD is 13. All she thinks about is how she is going back to her mom when she turns 18. (which BTW, the BM told her & my husband, she would have to wait til then. BM is not even attempting to get her kids back after 7 years.) I don't even think that anyone has mentioned to my SD that her BM tried to put her up for adoption when she was 6. Not that I would come out & tell a child that, but you'd think someone would have put her in therapy. Now I am beginning to think she has some sort of attachment issue. As far as your situation goes, I would seek professional advice for your step-son. My husband plans to do this for his daughter as soon as she comes to live with us.

Mary - posted on 09/18/2012

SO so very true. I have a similar situation where the mother can do wrong. I am new at this and can't understand how their mother recently went to Thailand to be with her boyfriend and left the two kids with us fulltime

Jessica - posted on 04/14/2011

I used to be in the same boat as you until about 4 years ago...I raised my 2 then step daughters from the time they were 3 and 4 until today. My suggestion is to get a notebook and document when and when she doesnt take the kids, how long she goes without contact..although it differs state to state..you can legally adopt the kids under abandonment terms if she fails to take an initiative.
Ours was finaized 4 years ago, and i have to say that we havent been happier about that choice!!

Jennifer - posted on 04/10/2011

This is not a timely response and I didn't read all of them but I hope that someone mentioned counseling for the children. I am very familiar with this type of behavior. This is emotional abuse of the children and needs to be handled. I would strongly encourage you to ge the child into counseling and see about getting the court to order therapy for the mother. This mother is emotionally unable to appropriately parent the children and until her behavior changes she should not have or have only monitored contact with the children. The effects on the children if nothing continues can be very severe and it should be taken seriously by the family court. Get a counselor who is familiar with family court procedures to help you through the process. It is very possible that once a therapist intervenes and works with the mom that her behavior will improve, or she may choose the other direction and have no contact with the children. Whatever happens, counseling with an effective and compassionate therapist is very important for the children.

Amy - posted on 03/24/2011

Jennifer had some great points! Remember children under 9 years (sometimes longer) developmentally do not have logical reasoning skills yet. Since they can't reason logically, they don't think about why they feel hurt. Children internalize the negative feelings and it affects how they feel about themselves and how they think others feel about them. This is where their behavior comes into play and how they act. The purpose here is not to find someone to blame, but to help children realize that the behaviors of others can be difficult and hurtful. Someone has betrayed his trust, therefore he may feel he is not worth loving, even though it is totally untrue! You can help by helping him recognize how he feels, and counteract those negative self thoughts, by reinforcing a positive self image. Now is the best opportunity, because anger and an unhealthy self image becomes programed in our brains. When those teen years come, they act out even worse, still not knowing why they are so angry/hurt! You can help your children to go into those teen years, and adult hood by helping them with logical thinking, ie, how do you feel? Why do you think that person did that? Anger comes from unmet expectations. The hard truth is, if someone shows you they are not trustworthy, we have to stop expecting them to do what they say. Not taking it personally, is the hard part! This builds healthy logical thinking and a healthy self esteem. You will be showing the children you do care how they feel, and see them in a positive way, adding to their value. Everyone wants to feel loved and valued! This will not only help the children feel good about themselves, but how they see you and build a stronger, healthier relationship between you are your children.

Kirsty - posted on 03/21/2011

Oh April, you post is SO something I could have written!! I understand exactly where you are at, and gosh it's hard work!

April - posted on 03/21/2011

I can completely relate to what you are saying. my middle child who will be turning 10 in april has a mom who lives roughly 25 mins from us. When i started dating my husband my middle child was just 18 months old. When they filed for a divorce and then were fighting about who should have custody of my daughter it got pretty nasty. she was bouncing from guy to guy and job to job and never stayed at the same home longer then 3-4 months at a time. My husband did get residental custody of her but only b/c her mother said that he could have residental custody as long as she didn't have to pay child support. Otherwise she would want custody of her and she would also make him pay child support. Of course my husband took her up on her offer immediately. When we started dating, they were still married but not living together and then about 4 months after that they were divoced and I had moved in. She was supposed to get her daughter every other weekend and every wed afternoon till 8pm at night. We kept a constant log of when she came to get her daughter and it wasn't very often. she never did the wed visit claiming that she couldn't afford to drive the 25 mins to our house. At one point when my daughter was 2.5 yrs old she didn't see her for a full 4 months. She claimed that she had cancer but that it was too soon for the dr's to treat it and she didn't want to pick up her daughter for her visit due to not wanting her to get attached and then she die. At the time my husband was working and I was staying home with the my middle child and my oldest child from another relationship. She even requested that he add her to his medical to help her with her medical expenses. Of course my husband refused and that started the whole being nasty to me and also even to her daughter. She would come to pick up her daughter and when she would try to take her out to the car, my daughter would scream bloody murder and only wanted her father. Her mother accused my husband of turning her daughter against her. It didn't matter at all when my husband tried to explain to her that she doesn't see her often enough to really remember her. Not long after that we started getting calls and visits from SRS (social rehabilitation services, otherwise child services). There would be aligations off sexual and physical abuse by not only me but also my husband and his cousin who is his best friend. Of course all alligations were discmissed especially when they realized that the mother didn't have residental custody. The reason i know that it was her filing the complaint is b/c when the lady showed up at our house, she got busy with talking to the girls who were 4 and 5 at the time. She had the paper in her lap and I glanced at it and saw my husbands ex's name on the paper. So i feel really strongly that she was doing it all. But due to the recent divorce and talking with the girls and their teachers and other realitives they dismissed the case. Since then she has called SRS on us every 2 years. Each time it gets dismissed but to me it's embarassing b/c regardless if they think anything is happening, they still have to come out and interview everybody and check on the kids. It's basically a waste of their time when they could be out there helping a child who truely needs it. There was one time that I was getting extremely fustrated with the kids b/c they were either refusing or going extremely slow on cleaning up their mess in the livingroom.. I finally blew a gasket and pushed the kid's craft table across the room and my middle child walked right into it. She of course cried but it was no shock to me since she usually cries about everything. I, of course looked her over to make sure she truly wasn't hurt and she didn't even have a red mark on her thigh where it grazed her. 3 days later her mom came to pick her up for her weekend. me and the ex have never gotten along, probably b/c i get to see my daughter almost every day and I am raising her. My daughter told her about what i did and that started a huge problem that lasted 2 years. she took her out to eat at a restraunt and also bought her some gifts. she told her to let her know anytime that I hurt her whether it was physically or emotional. If i would raise my voice with her she would run and tell her mom on her next weekend and the mom would take her out to eat and also buy her more toys since she felt bad for her. What ended up happening is that she got used to the gifts and would do anything to get them even if it meant lying. She would tell her mom that i was beating her with a belt or that i called her bad names and her mom would take her shopping and then would call up my husband and chew him out about me. It got really bad b/c when she is constantly calling him telling him what their daughter is saying that i'm doing, he didn't know who to believe. He had a struggle believing that I wasn't doing anything to her since he wasn't there when it would happen since he traveled for his work and he couldn't believe that she would lie. If i raised my voice to her or even gave her a hug she would lie just so she could get something. It got to the point where i almost completely stopped talking to my daughter and i had completely stopped touching her physically even to give hugs and kisses at night. It was so bad that one time when she stepped on a board that had a nail in it and the nail went all the way through her shot and foot and stuck out of the top i still didn't touch her to help her b/c i was terrified that she would tell her mom that i stabbed her with the nail. She didn't understand what she was doing and understand that what she was saying to her mom was causing alot of bad problems. It wasn't until last summer that everything came out in the open when my daughter told her mom that I had said that she was a terrible mom since she didn't pick her up from her school like she was supposed to or call the school to let them know so they could put her on the bus. I ended up having to leave work to pick her up from school and lost my job since it was only a temp job with a temp agency. I was extremely upset at her mom and also angry that my daughter would feel abandoned by her mom and she would be extremely sensitive and weepy about it. she noticed that i was angry in the car and asked why and i told her that i lost my job and that i wish that her mom would be more responsible and act like a better mom. My daughter of course told her and she was very angry. She told my husband to make sure that i wasn't there at the house when she dropped her off otherwise she didn't think she could control herself since for the last 2-3 yrs she was thinking that i was abusing her daughter. I was there when she showed up and I stopped my daughter from going into the house and told her mom that I wanted to ask her daughter a question in front of her so any lies would be heard. She agreed and I asked my daughter if I had told her that I thought her mom was a bad mom. She of course was very fidigety and refused to answer until her mom got angry. She admitted that I hadn't said those words. I also brought up all that my daughter had been telling her about me physically abusing her and also calling her names. She told her mom that I was rightl that i had not done anything to her physically but that I did yell at her, but didn't call her names. Her mom got redder as she talked until she finally exploded and started screaming at her daughter. She asked her why she lied to her another something so serious. Her daughter told her that she didn't want the presents and dinners to stop. Her mom realized that all this time, she was lying just to get something in return. I explained to her mom and also had her daughter confirm that in the last 2 yrs i hadn't even touched her even to give her a hug or a kiss and that i barely talked to her. Her mom couldn't believe that she had lied so much in order to be selffish and that it was to the point where i hardly wanted a relationship with my daughter and that she had been hating me all this time. I would love to tell you that things have improved since then, but it's still touch and go. I do now give her hugs and kisses and show her that I love her completely. Our daughter's have not gotten a spanking since they were 4 yrs old. Things are still strained between her mom and me but that's understandable since we had hated each other for the last 5 yrs. Hard to change that instant thought. I do go out of my way to make sure to include her in everything that our daughter is doing, even when she is having problems in school. Her mother does keep up with her weekends but not the wed night. She has even gotten to the point where she is taking more then she is allowed and my husband usually allows it b/c he gets tired of fighting with her and her being verbally abusive and also very emotional. I get angry about it b/c regardless that she only gets to see her 4 days out of the month, she is the one who made that decision when she gave up residental custody. My husband just wishes that everything about our daughter would be easy and that there wouldn't be any fighting. Lately he's been putting his foot down more then usual b/c when her mom picks her up, she also has her older daughter who is 14 yrs old. Her sister is not a good example to follow for my daughter in my opinion. she is already wearing make up and dating boys and acting out and refusing to listen. When our daughter comes back from a weekend with them, she is very rude and resistant to anything that we try to make her do. She lets them stay up however long they want to and she even got our daughter her own facebook page which she knew we were against it since it's only for people older then 16 and the younger people haveto lie about their age in order to get a facebook page. I do not feel that a 9 almost 10 yr old needs to have a facebook page and it's caused problems b/c my oldest daughter who is 11 yrs old is upset since she isn't allowed to have one but her step-sister has one. me and my husband have been together for 8 yrs and it is a strain on our marriage b/c of the fighting and feelings toward each other. plus his ex wife also even told him that she still loves him and she would do anything she could to get back with him. He's always told me that it wasn't a chance in hell that he would go back with her but I know that she would do anything she could to make that happen and she enjoys when we do happen to get into an arguement over something that she's done or said. It's like she's waiting for the BIG fight so she can step in and be with him. Our daughter still gets alot of presents and gets to go and do things that we can't do with our kids due to me being the only one working since my husband got laid off and i don't have enough left over to take them out to eat or buy them things. Her mom doesn't work either but apparently is on disability b/c she claims that she tripped backwards in a pair of high heels and fell on a car and that she is in too much pain to work now. I still try to teach our daughter how to be a good person and that you have to work for what you want and when you do, you feel better about it since you actually earned it. The only advise that I can give you is to still treat him like he's one of the other kids and to not take what she is doing hard or personal, in the end your step son will soon realize what she is doing and will (hopefully) respect you for not stooping to her level. How is your husband handling it? Does he back you up when he's talking to his ex-wife? When he catches his son saying bad things about you in front of his siblings or other people, does he correct it right away? one area that we struggled with was when our daughter would do something wrong or bad i would set a punishment and some of the times he would call me out in front of his daughter to let me know he didn't agree and that i was being too rough and that she's a kid and you have to give them a break. So it makes disciplining a challenge but after i had a emotional and heartfelt talk to him about it, he's changed. He sometimes slips but when his ex calls complaining about the punishment he backs up the punishment 100% to her regardless if he doesn't agree with it also. He says it's to show her that we are together and it's for good and that he will never get back with her and she needs to move on. She takes it hard and will usually make difficult times for us for a week but eventually she stops acting like a child. I really hope that our daughter doesn't turn out like her and also doesn't start following her example by making up excuses when she doesn't do something that she needs or has to do. But all i can do is just raise her to be a good child and hope for the best. Hope this helps you.

Tonya - posted on 03/14/2011

I have three step children and two of my own. My step children live with me and my husband. I have experienced the same behavior. The way we handled it was to confirm that we do love him. After years of "family meetings" they finally opened up and admitted if they accept me that is stabbing their mom in the back....so they feel. We just talk to them and keep the communication open. As far as things she says I have learned the hard way you can't control what she says. Maybe some one on one time with that certain child will your relationship. We don't do counseling, but we do have "family meetings" once a week to find out if anything is going on with the kids. This gives them the chance to say anything without gettng in trouble or feeling that they have no say.

Kirsty - posted on 03/10/2011

I can totally relate, however can't help :( Fingers crossed we'll get some answers for things!

Rachael - posted on 02/10/2011

I AM SOOO SORRY that the kids are dealing with that. And that you are dealing with the results. I myself am dealing with the other mother telling the child things that should not be said. It is causes mild issues in my house. And I can tell it is really confusing my SD. She still is not old enough to learn or know when a parent or myself is really doing something insane or wrong... She puts her mother on a pedestal... She can do NO wrong...
Anyways, that is some of my story. I deal with this by, just giving her ALL i have. I am sure you know this but do not ever say anything bad about the mother, because the kids will only blame you for saying it. They obviously need you to lean on. About him not paying her bills, if it comes up again... You can say "it is not daddy's job to pay her bills, he has to pay for our lights or water etc..."
Your the easiest person to push away, your like "the other mother" Do not let this get to you. Just continue to give him all you have, and let him know you are never going anywhere. As they get older they will understand what is going on with her. I believe showing sympathy about the mother not getting them that time would be good. Tell them how sorry you are. My hardest challenge is not getting upset and letting the things she says to SD get to me. You can only control you and your house. When the comments from her come back to you, then you nicely explain them. Do nto make the mother wrong but make yourself correct. "Daddy was stealing my shoes" ... You can say, "Oh NO way! That is just silly! I am so sorry we just forgot to send them. Next time we will all work together to remember to send them with you...etc...
Sorry this is long, i have TONS of advice on this part of life... If you need some more advice please feel free to inbox me or let me know!!!

Deanna - posted on 02/08/2011

I would suggest that you stop letting them know what dear old mom "wants" to do and just wait for the day and if she shows then great, if not no big deal either. :) I would also take phone conversations away from her too as to better help you & DH control the damage she is inflicting.

Jennifer - posted on 02/07/2011

These children unfortunately cannot comprehend why the person they trusted most is the one hurting them the most. Most adults cant deal with this kind of behavior... Becoming the persn these children can rely on is a long difficult road and must be fully embraced while wearing the correct armour. You see, our goodness reminds them of how badly they are disappointed, how badly they are hurting and how angry they are. Now heres the catch 22,.. Since they hav all his negative feelings they not only put up a wall against you so they dont get hurt again, they also test you to the max so you can prove you will really be there when the chips are down. What armour shall we select? the QTIP aromour,.. Quit Taking It Personal! Dont let their negative behavior mak you second guess you as a person or a mother! As soon as they find the chink (your weakness) in the armor they will dig at it until they wear you down. So, bear down and hang on... it is worth it in the end.

Christina - posted on 01/27/2011

Oh yeah, I can relate. He is acting out because he has been hearing trash talk about you and daddy from his egg donor. Now he is being forced to live with y'all. I'd flip out too if I was a kid.
My stepson was doing the same thing. Hearing all this bad talk about his dad, then his mom wouldn't come pick him up on time from his visits with us. My stepson couldn't grasp why mommy was leaving him with a mean bad daddy! We turned the game around on her. Every time she would "punish" my stepson by sending him to our house, we would take him out for candy and ice cream. We now have him 50/50, and his mom still can't manage to pick him up on time. It's very annoying honestly because my little guy doesn't understand why mommy tells him she will be there and isn't.
On the flip side, my ex-husband hasn't seen our children except twice in over 18mnths. He will go months without calling, then call and tell them how much he misses them and that it's his jobs fault he can't talk to them. My kids have been acting up, and my 7yr old daughter has stopped calling my husband daddy. So we have decided to limit phone access. Right now, we are going to just not answer when he calls. We want to see how they behave when he doesn't talk to the kids this weekend. I am expecting them to be very well behaved because the kids never act up until after they talk to him.

Kelly - posted on 01/25/2011

i can sorda relate, i don't have any step children, but i am a single parent who has had my children 'ignored' / given false hopes from their father.....so from that angle i will say that i put them in counseling to have an outlet for their emotions - i haven't had the greatest luck w/ men in my life, and i have tried to never say anything bad about my exes or their gf/wives to the kids, it serves no purpose other than put them in the middle of something they don't need to be in the middle of....so i guess my suggestion is a child counselor who can help him deal with these feelings of 'abandonment' and right now, in his mind he's trying to figure out why his bio mom not around and you are, and its confusing so you get to be the scape goat, cuz some parents in general blame the new gf & wives/bf/husbands, some people are just not cut out to be full time responsible parents she sounds like my ex..Good Luck, i know its not quite the same situation as you, but wish you all well!!!