dad's wife or step-mom??

Khadija - posted on 06/21/2010 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have 1son and he has 4 sons and 2-step-kids from his previous relationships. Two of his sons teenagers are supposed to live with shortly but my husband told me 2yrs ago that he promised his sons that they will never have or never call another woman step-mom. He likes them to refer to me as dad's wife. His stepdaughter refers to me as my dad's girlfriend and when I corrected her my husband scolded in private stating that he didn't tell them that we were married and if he told them it's not that important for the kids.

My husband (salim)also told me that I can ask the boys to do anything and everything when they live with us because i'm their stepmom. Salim ex-wife still calls my husband for money for her personal use even though my husband takes care of his sons plus the two step-kids teenagers also.
When i asked him why he still giving her money he says that, that's his friend and the mother of his kids. I get angry because the money he is giving her I could be using for legal services to legitimize my status here in the U.S.A. To make things even worse he once told our son that he can call his ex wife aunty sandra. Pissed off!!!
I feel like i'm a third leg in this relationship and angrier even more because the relationship he has with his step-kids is more money oriented than anything. when ever they call it's because they need money just like their mom. The only reason i'm in the states is because I want our son to have access to both his dad and I and now i'm stuck can't work until my papers get processed.

Hate this marriage, I love Salim but he just doesn't see me, he is 48 and i'm 35 and since we've been together we've been through so much together like being homeless twice in the 4yrs of our relationship. But not homeless on the street, we lived with his family, my family is in Canada.

I can't wait to go back to work and stop depending on him or better yet love him from afar. Is anyone out there in a similar place like myself?

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I would sit him down and tell him very openly that you feel he is prioritizing his ex over you and it's not right, considering YOU are the one giving yourself to him in this relationship, NOT the ex. It's a great situation for everyone when you can be on cordial terms with an ex, but it sounds like she is being taken care of more as a wife than you! I have experienced some similar issues with my boyfriend giving in to his ex's ridiculous demands and it's maddening! But in our case he does it reluctantly because basically he's afraid of her--when she doesn't get her way she throws a fit like a 4 year old, and he says it's easier to give in and deal with the inconveniences it causes us than to tell her no and listen to her ranting. I still don't agree with him not having a backbone for the sake of OUR lifestyle over hers, so we have had numerous fights over it, but if I was in your situation where he was catering to her because he genuinely WANTS to, I really don't think I'd have stayed with him. But only you can say if your relationship is worth fighting it through. I think you should definitely tell him exactly how you feel and why though!! Because, as someone else stated, he may not realize how much he's hurting you or even understand that you see it the way you do. Hopefully it's something you can talk through and get on the same page!



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Tonina - posted on 10/08/2010

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Wow u may wanna consider lettin him n his baggage go stay w/his so called ex-wife! I told my husband years ago when we got married (my first marriage, his second) he can not run 2 households take care of ur kids no problem but takin care of other women heck no! sounds 2 me like Salim n his ex still hav dealings w/each othr that r not acceptable if he has a dif wife! and i dont care what Salim told the kids if he didnt want them to hav anothr step mom he shouldnt hav gotten remarried! Dont put up w/bein disrespected by him or his kids/step kids u deserve respect and if he cant giv it u may need 2 get counseling 4 u both if he refuses then u may hav 2 cut ur loses n wlk away! good luck!

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Kelly - posted on 10/07/2010

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i think you really need to talk, not yell, this out with your husband. Tell him how this all makes you feel, and that you want to feel respected in the relationship. With kids, they may call what they are comforttable with kids take time to adjust to you a new parent figure. I am concerned about how you husband is acting, but he may not realize that this is hurting you. Sometimes just articulating how you really feel about things is all you need for you spouse to realize that you were even hurt about it in the first place. Find out why though he wants you to be called dad's wife or dad's gf, it just seem odd.

Joy - posted on 07/01/2010

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There is no one answer to the Dad's wife or step-mom question. As a child of a re-married parent, I can say a lot depends on what is the age gap between the step parent and the child, and if the gap is more than 15 years, was the child younger than 7 years old when you met.

For myself being 14 when my dad re-married to a lovely lady only & years older, got me a new friend, but not a second mother.



Btw, if your hubby ever calls you his 2nd wife, just remember to call him your first husband, lol.

Ginger - posted on 06/29/2010

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It does matter to the kids that you are married... they would hopefully respect you more for that. I have 5 step children and it took a while for all of them to come around, especially since I already had 6 of my own. (We had 3 more together.) It takes time and patience. His only girl was the youngest and her mom and I put our differences aside to benefit the children... When she passed away the daughter came to live with us. We have a wonderful relationship. I am mom and grandma. Your husband sounds like he has no clue how this is affecting you emotionally... try talking to him without brining in the money part. Create your own relationship with the kids... regardless of what they call you. It's not their fault the parents are clueless...

Gene & Erin - posted on 06/26/2010

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Well, I might not be much help to you but I'm going to add my two cents. As a bio-mom who has enjoyed a GREAT relationship with my former husband, I'm going to say that it is SO less stressful for all when mom and dad can get along - even if its just for the kids.
I think its great that he has a relationship with all the kids - at some point (before you) he was "dad" to all the kids - not just his biological ones. It takes a LOT of forgivness and setting aside your own feelings for two parent to be nice after a divorce. But it really is best (and WAY less drama).
I don't know about her asking for money for her personal use - if its for the kids then he should help out if he can. And personal perception is a strange thing, what you perceive as one thing bio-mom may perceive differently. You need to talk to dad about that (calmly) and how you feel. And don't expect him to pick a fight with her (my former hubs new wife does expect him to argue with me over everything - especially money - but she is also of the mind that he shouldn't have to pay child support - but we just don't fight anymore, its not worth it).
All that said, I also know that it is super hard to be the new parent/wife and find yourself in the middle of the end of a relationship you wish never happened.
And I find it REALLY CRAZY that he wouldn't tell the kids that you are married (unless he still needed to tell mom first).
I think you need to refocus. You need some couple time. And don't worry - the kids will be adults all too soon (but they still may ask for money).
Your marriage is what the two of you make it TOGETHER - if you love him, find a way to love your marriage. Everybody goes through hard times and sometimes has to live with family. The money thing just isn't worth getting a divorce over.

Jane - posted on 06/22/2010

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I'm not. My hubby had a daughter in his first marriage, who came to live with us when her mother died, though. She was raised with her mother teaching her to call her step-dad "Daddy", and her father, "Scott".

We started with the compromise of calling me, "Jane", and her father "Scott-dad" and step-dad "Ken-dad". But when she came to live with us, we asked that she call her father "Dad", and me "Mom" because it was less confusing for our children.

I have never seen her as anything but my daughter, and she still calls me Mom to this day. She's 22.

It sounds like your husband needs to be told that this is offensive to you and that you'd like your place in his life to be recognized. Perhaps even to realize that there's a reason his ex is an ex?

Good luck!

Jane

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