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Dealing with the EX

Traci - posted on 02/02/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

Ok here's the situation. My guy & I have been together for over a year. We have 4 kids between us, his are 6 1/2 & 10, mine are 14 & 16. The kids get along fine and like both of us. We have mine 24/7 and his 3 1/2 days a week. (We live in a different town from the ex.) The problem is an ex who comes across as not trying to be manipulative but is anyway. It seems any suggestions we make to her about the kids gets thrown out the window because she didn't think of it first, but her ideas are always great in her opinion and my guy can't see what she's doing. He will disagree with her on things but they NEVER argue about anything. They are a really bad mismatch but act like best pals when around each other and he expects me to do the same. I won't do that because she's 180 degrees different from me. If it weren't for the kids......I'd have absolutley nothing to do with that. (She has also ran through 3 or 4 guys at least since the divorce 3 1/2 years ago due to her controlling ways.) How can I get her to get a life and leave us alone? My guy and I only want what's best for the kids here.

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Kristen - posted on 08/07/2010

It sucks. Let your man deal with his ex. You may never agree with her, but that doesn't mean anything will change. If there is something you guys want for the kids, do it on your own. I have learned not to depend on my "baby's mama" for anything. This way I/they can't be disappointed. Before we had custody, we tried to get the kids in sports, swimming, etc. She refused to take them to the lessons/events although we paid and they loved going. So we only signed them up for things that met on days they were with us. I'm not sure what you are trying to get her to go along with, but sometimes you just have to play along. If it's in the best interest of the kids, and she won't cooperate, do it without her. Just do right by them!

Sarah - posted on 08/06/2010

155

You don't. You picked him and he picked her (before you of course). You don't get to have her "leave you alone", there are kids involved. I'm sure she is wanting what is best for the kids as well, in her own mind. Just respect her and what she is trying to do for her kids, and they will respect you for doing that. Also I notice your kids are older so you have been through "phases" that kids have. I have that problem too. My son is older than his, and behaviors that seem harmless "now" have led to behaviors in my son. It's a struggle, but keep your chin up.

Michelle - posted on 02/06/2010

259

She is their mother and it is between your "guy" and her to get along for the sake of the kids . Be a good person and treat her with kindness . How would you feel if another woman told you how to raise your kids ? We all tend to get defensive , and we all sometimes don't listen to others .

PLEASE make sure that the kids NEVER hear you talking badly about her . That is wrong . No matter how much you dislike her , your guy's kids do not need to hear bad things about their own mother . It makes a child feel bad about themself , and in the end can make them despise you .

Gene & Erin - posted on 02/04/2010

Sweetheart, she wants what is best for the kids too. Just your brain isn't in her head and she thinks differently (it may seem at time that she thinks differently for anyone else on the planet). As long as she is good to the kids (she is thier mom, so I hope so) then you got a good thing going.

If she has primary custody then you can recommend all you want to - but she has final say. Sucks, huh? Just play friendly - its not about you or her - you stay with this guy and she will be a part of your (very extended) family for the life of the children (or until one of you drops dead - but we don't want to be mean - sometimes - so we won't go there).

I'm an ex and I have my kids and yes I think mine is the only opinion that matters - I'm also dealing with hubbys ex - and no I don't think her crazy opinion matters at all - but I am raising her children 24/7. Would I give this same advice to ex's on either side of my little family - in a heartbeat.

Let Dad deal with her - if they don't argue then it most likely took them a long time (or lots of maturity) to get there. Be thankful that he gets to have this relationship with his kids - let the rest go. Its not worth the mad - it only hurts you in the long run b/c she might not ever see things your way. Just take care of yours and his. We'll hope for a great long lasting relationship for you two!