discipline by me the "step mom"

Charlene - posted on 01/26/2009

Hello. I have an issue sort of the same. I have two step children and both of their mother's hate me! Well, because my 10 year old step sons mother had a HUGE blow up the last time I attempted to discipline him (she wouldn't allow him to visit my husband at our house for over a month), my husband no longer wants me to correct him at all. I think this is insane. I've tried to talk to him, but I'm not getting through to him. Any suggestions?

Kristen - posted on 01/26/2009

I was nodding my head in agreement as I was reading what you had written. I have 2 little ones (19mo and 3yr) and 2 teenage step-sons. They came to live with my husband and I about 6mo. ago. What a chore!! My husband works a lot and so I am left with pretty much taking care of everything. They sure do like to challenge me..not in a blatant disrespectful way, but enough that it really workds on your nerves. My husband hadn't seen his children since 2001 (they lived in a different country). So when they got here, it was a free for all for him. I think he felt guilty and was trying to make up for lost time. All that did was help to set the tone for things that eventually became problems in the long run. I agree with another writer, kids do need and want discipline and structure. Good luck!

Laura - posted on 01/25/2009

I don't think it's necessarily so that since you're not custodial you can't have order in your house. We only have my 13-year-old stepdaughter every other weekend and during the summer, but we have rules and expectations/chores that we enforce here. This is also her home, and as such she has to accept the "good" and the "bad" parts about being part of our family. We are more strict with her than her mom and stepdad are, but she respects us just as much as she respects them. As someone said earlier, kids need boundaries.

Good luck to you, and definitely try to get your BF on board! Without him, it will be much harder for you.

Laura - posted on 01/25/2009

Since you are NOT the custodial family, you might just have to 'deal' with it during the Holidays. That is sad to say but true. If you were the 'mom' full time then of course you would have a say-so in their well being. But you aren't married to him and they all know that.

One option: The minute they step in the door of your house. Lay the ground rules down. If they disobey or break something or 'go crazy and wild' call their mother, threaten to send them home early...Bluff them....



I feel so sorry for you! Good luck! Set your rules and stick to them....Make your man stand up and be a man about it!

Deangela-Deanne - posted on 01/23/2009

Children want structure and limits. You must be the one to set them I struggled with this too. My husband was either not available or came down too hard. I was the glue and the structure. The boys did not always like it, but now that they are grown I am the home they come back to. I represent to them gentleness, control, love and peace. I was always patient, but firm. Never lose control and stay calm, bu tbe clear.

Do remember, you chose to live with this man knowing the situation you were moving into. You took on his kids too and they are now yours as well. This is YOUR home not their mother's and YOU are the boss even if they do not view you as such. It is up to you to grow into the position you have chosen.

Nici - posted on 01/12/2009

Before my 2 step-kids came to live with us four years ago, I sat down with my husband and made it perfectly clear what was expected from him in regards to disipline.

As I was the one who chose to stay at home to look after all the children, I was therefore the primary disiplinarian - makes me sound harsh when I put it that way, but you know what I mean - and I needed hubby to back me up on any decision that I made.

We never argue with each other, and if we did, it is something that I refuse to do in front of the children.  If hubby (or I) said or did something that the other did not feel was right, we will still back them up in front of the kids, but then we wait until they are tucked up in bed and discuss it - what I would have done, and what we could do different next time etc.

In this way, we present a united front and have managed to avoid the kids trying to play one parent off against the other. 

Also, make sure you have the same punishment for all the children, regardless of age and parentage.  eg time outs, removing a favourite toy.  It shows that there is no favouritism, and soon  you will be seen as firm but fair.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/11/2009

i have a slew of kids/step kids. you need to have a family meeting with your BF on board. before the meeting you both need to be in agreement to consequences for rules and jobs good and bad.  the family meeting needs to be conducted by your BF as he is the kids parent. why does he only get to see them on the holidays? organization, boundary and consequences and a unified front , hang in there!

Casey - posted on 12/13/2008

I had the same problem with my husband until recently. He wouldn't discipline his children becuase he didn't see them enough, according to him. I just started telling the kids what is and what is not accepted in MY house and have made myself very clear. I have 3 boys who live with us all the time and he has 3 children who are here every other weekend. Good luck. It's not a great situation to be in. I hope it gets better for you before it's too late to establish any rules at your home.